Well sadly the good mood of my last blog couldn't last. Over the last few days i've been back to a depressive cycle with a helpful dollop of extreme anxiety covering "shall I cancel the O2 tickets" to Google imaging False Widow spiders and being on spider watch around the Bunny hutch after reading of a pet rabbit killed by a spider bite. Admittedly I feel the spider may be in more danger if it approached the girls, Esme may glare at it or Estelle may of course sit on it.........
I don't know if the low cycle has been bought on by me making myself be sociable last week at the party, trying not to appear too weird to people I don't know that well.
The last time I saw the Occ Health Psychologist she said I had to start challenging myself to do things that scare me or cause my anxiety to sky rocket (and no that does not involve holding a snake or eating a banana Helen and Monkey!), but if it has this effect of making me a wreck for the next few days after is it really worth it?
I have to start with a new psychologist today as the one I was seeing before was only temporary. I'm sure the new Psych will be just as nice as the old one but I really don't want to have to re-go over why i'm in this situation. I'm hoping previous psych will have left decent cover notes to avoid my bullying, recovery, depressed again sob story.
I have to go into work in a minute with my "Everything's fine" mask on, some of my work colleagues who I'm closer to can partially see through it (in fact we all joke about me being mental, and yes i'm comfortable with that, I'd far rather we approached it with a sense of humour rather than it being a big polka dot elephant t in the room) but I'm worried that one day the mask will accidentally fly off and they'll see how crazy I really am.
I hate to end blogs on a low note as you know but today is one of those days when I'm really struggling to see the happy side of the coin. I know that it's early days for the mood stabilisers and that I can go up another tablet to 75mg a day if I need to, the problem is that they make me so tired (hence why I take them at night) and I honestly can't keep relying on colleagues good nature when they find me asleep in meetings or dozing off at my computer.
Hopefully this is a blip on the way to recovery and getting my good mood back, cross your fingers for me.
Love Jen
XxxxxX
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