Cold, Hard Facts pt 2

*TRIGGER WARNING FOR SUICIDE AND SELF-HARM*

We're only just into 2020 and already it's gone tits up (and if we're going by my pair it's a very big tits up, not that I like to boast). My mental wellbeing, well the little that I had, has all but gone.

Today I told my counsellor that I was about 8.5/10 on the score of 0 having no plans and 10 being in the process of making an attempt on my life. Plans and notes had been updated. I'm at the stage where my disgust for myself, the way my brain works, the weight I've put back on, my inability to function like a normal human being and the enjoyment from any activities I used to enjoy being non-existent. The only relief I get at the moment from the noise in my head is the moments when I cut myself and the short spike of pain bursts through. Normally sleep is my refuge but when I do manage to get off to sleep it's just nightmares and people in dreams telling me to hurry up and top myself. 

My counsellor quite rightly spoke to Mum and let her know everything. I feel horrible for all the pain my mental health is causing the people I love. Having been on the other side when my friend Nat was suicidal I know exactly how it is. I have my 'urgent' psychiatrist appointment on Thursday (I took my overdose on 20th Aug last year, make of that what you will). I'm hoping that unlike the last psychiatrist I saw I'll get more out of the appointment than "here's your diagnosis, here are your Meds now off you skip to take them like a good little mental" *pat on the head*.

Quite honestly I can't see how I can get out of this cycle. How much change can an appointment make? I'm bound to be brushed off again, as I always am. 

Love Jen

XxxX