Just Call Me Halloween Barbie

How to accidentally insult me in two easy steps 1. Comment on my lovely tan & 2. Ask if I've dyed my hair blonde.

 

Probably not the worst insults I've ever received admittedly but my current state of tanned blondishness does go against all I've generally stood for. Although I will admit to a brief flirtation with blondeness at the end of last year/start of this year which I totally put down to all the different meds I was chopping and changing on!

 

I think my anti-blonde and tannedness of course stems from school, all the girls who were considered attractive were skinny, tanned, blondes and I was constantly reminded by them and the boys in my year that I was most certainly not up to this standard! So I've always been uncomfortable with this aspect of 'beauty'. If any of you have seen the film Never Been Kissed you'll remember the prom where the 'in crowd' girls all turn up dressed as different Barbies – that was scarily accurate!

 

Unfortunately for me I tan incredibly easily and my hair is actually naturally mid to light brown, with a penchant for bleaching in the sun. Which really doesn't suit my rock chick make-up, trust me heavy black eyeliner looks very strange with a tan and all the damn freckles on my nose and cheeks! All my beauty icons (aside from Marilyn of course!) have a really cool, edgy look e.g Angelina Jolie, Ami Lee from Evanescence, Taylor Momson from Pretty Reckless and Ksenia Solo's Kenzie in Lost Girl (awesome show – check it out on Netflix). There's no point dying my hair black again whilst it's summer, it will be light brown again within a month, no kidding. Last year I dyed my hair it's normal black at the start of July and by the middle of August it was light brown again!

 

Admittedly I probably should adopt a rock n roll 'sod it' attitude to it all and just do my make-up like normal but I am a little concerned that I may end up looking like Barbie's plus size, Halloween freak older sister! Although thinking about it ….. that wouldn't half make an awesome costume …….

 

Love Jen

XxxX

Doing The Zombie Shuffle

Today's blog is bought to you by a sleepy fog of drug adjustment.

 

Yesterday I went to my GP to see if he could increase the strength of my Propranolol tablets as my anxiety is currently through the roof, I've been having freak outs just walking round Asda and my OCD type thoughts are back with a vengeance and after a minor self-harm incident. The upshot is that I am already on the highest strength I can get for the Propranolol so my GP has added 10mg of Citalopram into the mix to try and combat the anxiety.

 

So my medication roll call currently stands at –

 

Lamotringe 100mg

Propranolol 80mg

Propranolol 10mg top up tablets

Citalopram 10mg

Oh and antihistamines (damn pollen)

 

I am a bit wary of the Citalopram, it was the first antidepressant I was ever prescribed and aside from making me pile on the weight didn't really do much. So far 10mg of the stuff has given me a fuzzy head, nausea, tightened jaw muscles, tired feeling muscles and a complete energy drain. Whether it's psychosomatic or not I've been starving hungry for the last 2 days and I'm really, really worried that I will end up putting the 12 kilos I've lost since the end of last year straight back on. I already feel like a zombie, today I've been suddenly realising that I've been staring blankly at the wall or computer screen with no recollection of when I zoned out. I'm already under scrutiny at work for 'concentration lapses' hence all the extra stress, will the new drug make the situation worse?

 

Is it better to be alert and panicky or zoned out and potentially making mistakes?

 

Love Jen

XxxX

"What's Normal Anyway?" Inspiration from a book

I've just finished reading a really good book called "What's normal anyway?" by Anna Gekoski & Steve Broome. In it they interview 10 celebrities (or public figures as I prefer to call them, celebrity seems to be an increasingly dirty word nowadays) from Politicians to glamour models to footballers to actresses (guaranteed you will have heard of somebody in the book whatever your interests are) who all have one thing in common, struggle with mental illness. The stories are harrowing and in some cases very near the knuckle (particularly Trisha Goddard's description of her suicide attempt) but I must point out that the book does come with a trigger warning in the introduction. Although each of the subjects is very different and their conditions vary from OCD, Bipolar, Depression to Body Dysmorphia etc all of their stories show the sheer devastation that mental illness wrecks on a person, their friends and family. But each of the stories also carries a sense of hope, that not total, but part recovery is possible and that you can get a large part of your life back. The book is available on Amazon (of course) and is well worth a read.

People are often critical of people in the public eye sharing their stories about their own, or loved ones' experiences of mental illness and I'm really not sure where this criticism comes from. Take for example Catherine Zeta-Jones going public about her Bipolar disorder, the general consensus from the tabloid media was to sneer at her being 'soft' during what was a pretty horrendous time in her life - husband with a life-threatening illness, seperation from said husband, raising kids and mental illness - how is the woman still standing??? Contrast this with the outpouring of love from the same titles when Angelina Jolie disclosed her double mastectomy that she underwent last year. Now please don't get me wrong, I ADORE Angelina she is possibly one of the most beautiful creatures ever to walk the earth and I have a massive crush on her. But I have to ask why is it ok to sneer at one woman's illness and not anothers'? 

With the storytelling theme in mind I want to share with you all something I've been working on for the last week. About a month ago The Blurt Foundation http://blurtitout.org/ approached a number of people who have blogged for them over the last year (you can read my posts here, here, here and er here - hey they're super-lovely and publish my work!) and have asked us to be part of Project X. The plan is to publish various accounts of depression and mental illness in an e-book to raise money for the foundation. So far I've written about a 1000 words but weirdly am kind of struggling, it's easy to fire off a blog post here and there but to write an entire story and still keep it snappy and interesting is a far bigger ask. Even though I'm writing the story that I know best, mine, it's still hard to think of what to write or how to explain things that I still don't fully understand myself. Finishing the book has helped though, I figure if public figures with everything to lose have the guts to tell their story then so should I.

Love Jen

XxxX  

 

More Birthday Pics

I just wanted to share some more photos from my birthday celebrations that I managed to stretch to 2 weeks long! I feel some kind of Guinness World Record is in order surely?

I also wanted to say a big thank you to Helen as if it hadn't been for her I would have cancelled doing anything for my birthday because of how rubbish I'd been feeling.

Of course bun snuggling was our top priority!

03/06/14 -

My birthday! Helen & I went to the Vintage Cafe in Eastbourne and I continued my pretty dress theme from the day before (well if a girl can't wear polka dots on her birthday then when can she?). We also had a lovely meal with my parents that evening.

Helen in The Vintage Cafe

Birthday polka dots!

05/06/14 -

Me, Helen & Chris visited my Grandma & Grandad and had tea in the garden!

Helen & Grandma

Me & Grandma

07/06/14 -

Me, Mum, Helen, Chris & Vana went for afternoon tea (are you starting to see a tea-themed birthday trend here?) at The Wishing Well tearooms in Wilmington. It was a beautiful, hot summers day in beautiful surroundings.

Helen & Me

Chris & Vana

Mum, Chris, Vana & Helen

Such pretty gardens

This Wednesday just gone Me and Helen went to visit Gem & Andy and I was greeted with a suprise Mad Hatters' Tea Party! Turns out that it had been secretly planned for weeks! We played Disney Trivial Pursuit which turned into a hilarious farce involving giggling fits over The Swedish Chef from The Muppets and his similarity to Charlton Heston (Don't ask). There was also a stunning sunset that I naturally felt compelled to photograph. 

Suprise party!

Wow!

 

We rounded of the week with a trip to London. On Friday we went to one of London Zoo's "Zoo Lates" evenings. On Fridays in June London Zoo opens until 10pm. It was a beautiful, warm evening and a lot quieter than it is during the day which I much preferred!

Queuing for the zoo

Helen meets the penguins

I loved this guy, he was keeping an eye on everyone

Beautiful butterfly

Helen makes a new friend

The night was still young by the time we'd finished at the zoo so we decided to head into Central London for a wander. We were incredibly rock n roll with our two bottles of water in Starbucks on Leicester Sq!

I love London all lit up at night

The next day we went to watch the Trooping Of The Colour. I've been before and I adore all the pageantry involved and the excuse to remember what makes Britain so great. I love seeing all the horses and carriages and of course the flypast! This year I was super excited as it included 3 Tornados!

Waiting for the procession to start

The Queen!

The Battle Of Britain Memorial Flight

TORNADOS!

The mighty reds!

After the parade we had a wander around Westminster, including a pit stop at our favourite crepe stall on Westminster Bridge.

It's been a really brilliant two weeks, thank you to everyone who's made it so special for me.

Love Jen

XxxX

Happy Father's (And Grandfather's & Brother's) Day!

I want to dedicate today's blog post to the men in my life my Dad, my Grandad, my late Grandad and my brother. 

First thing we need to get out of the way. Yes my Dad does look like Nigel Mansell and really loves to be reminded of this!

My brother met Nigel Mansell in Disneyworld Florida you know

Secondly he is generally awesome. We're very similar (well I'm still working on the mostache) and carry the Richardson obsessive gene, although I have so far resisted playing golf! One of my earliest childhood memories (aside from having my paper bag eaten by a goat at a petting zoo) is us sitting watching a bat feeding at sunset on a campsite in the south of France. I must have been about 4 but I can remember it as if it was yesterday.

Circa 2007

Chris & Dad with Dad's infamous Hawaiian shirt on my 18th birthday. Dad bought the shirt when we were at the market because it was so terrible. It has since been worn to various family functions and also to a posh dinner dance. I like to nag Dad into wearing it at least a couple of times a year!

We both love music and share quite similar tastes, most things with a guitar! When I first got into rock music Dad played me loads of cool stuff and I credit him with my love of Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin & Deep Purple et all. I get my plane geeking obsession from him, he's taken me to airshows since I was really young. In fact I can clearly remember being at Medway Hockey Festival and him pointing out a Tornado flying off in the distance to me (they're still my favorite plane!). We're off to Farnborough Airshow next month and are both really excited as the F35 is flying for the first time! According to Mum it's impossible to watch war films or programmes with Dad or me as we often find something that's inaccurate or wrong and feel compelled to comment on it.

Of course not all airshows are blessed with good weather, here we are at Shoreham 2010 in the rain

We have a very similar sense of humour and Dad introduced me to Monty Python, we quote it pretty frequently! Dad does however have the habit of spoiling my bunnies Estelle & Esme, he can often be found feeding them dandelions or gatecrashing when I have them out for a cuddle! He denys it but he is very much wrapped around their paws!

Stealing Esme

In conversation with Estelle

Christmas 2002, Dad with his normal festive face

Me, Dad & Chris in the South Of France 1996

Grandad Roy is Mum's Dad. He served in the Fleet Air Arm at the end of the war and there is a fantastic story of him firing up the engines of a Sea Fury on deck just as an officer that he disliked was walking past and blowing his hat into the sea!

Grandad being made to pose with mine and Chris' cuddly toys Xmas 95

Grandad used to look after me and Chris on Saturdays when Mum and Dad were playing hockey, taking us for walks along the seafront or to the park (being careful to walk the route that avoided the town hall clock whose bell I was scared of). Every Saturday we would have pizza (Chris) & ploughman's (me) for lunch followed up with a Club biscuit, and yes I still treat myself to one occasionally. 

Mum delights in telling me the story of when I was a toddler at Grandad's when one Saturday afternoon, for no apparent reason, I picked up a plant from a pot that I had ignored until that point and threw it at Grandad! Apparently she, Grandma & Grandad were all laughing too much to tell me off. I'm glad to say I've suffered no more plant rage incidents since! There was also an incident when Grandad made the mistake of asking me what I wanted for my birthday ...... 10 minutes later I was still going. 

Grandad passed away in 2011 and I still really, really miss him. I miss Saturday afternoons watching Final Score on the BBC (Grandad was a massive Arsenal fan) and the hilarious impression he did of the dog from the Churchill insurance advert ("oh no no no no no"). At his funeral the vicar read Mum & Uncle Ken's piece that they had prepared and it said that he was so happy that I was getting better and starting to enjoy life again. Since I've gotten ill again I keep hold of that and try to work through each day because that's what he would want. 

Grandad Frank is Dad's Dad and he also served at the end of the war in the navy. He has loads of really interesting stories about life in the navy and the places he saw and people he met, Grandma tries to tell him not to tell them but I adore hearing them. He used to keep me, Chris and our cousins Nick & Tim amused for hours with stories he'd made up, even inserting 'advert breaks' asking if we'd had our Weetabix.

Grandad & Grandma on a day out in 2005

Grandad is a fantastic painter and drawer. He's had paintings sold all over the world and I have one he painted of a Tornado and of a WW2 airbase to take with me when I move out. He gave me a brilliant piece of advice that I still use when drawing "concentrate on one bit at a time and the rest will draw itself". Like Grandad Roy he is also football mad, following Brighton & Hove Albion and Eastbourne Borough. 

Although Father's day doesn't traditionally cover siblings I wanted to write about my lil bro Chris, better known as Monkey! I'm not sure what started me calling him Monkey but I have done for years now and it's stuck with Mum, Dad and Helen adopting it too. I have to make sure if I'm calling him and his friends are here that I call him Chris and not Monkey, although I do sometimes forget sorry Monk, I mean Chris. 

Showing his disapproval of my Spice Girls top

First day at school!

What a mess!

Chris is 4 years younger than me but we've always been close. I think when I was younger I saw him as some kind of pet :p  but as we've gotten older I can genuinely say that along with Helen he is my best friend. I can't think of many other people who would assist me at 1am with a pair of pliers up my nose after a nose-stud related incident!

We used to have very similar music taste, I took Chris to his first gig Feeder at the Brighton Centre in 2006, he will also deny it but I took him to see My Chemical Romance in 2007, and yes I have photographic evidence! 

Accidental band shirt co-ordination circa 2007

We've also been to see Metallica at Wembley & Iron Maiden at Twickenham. 

Watching Iron Maiden

I also helped him celebrate his 18th with a trip to see Muse at the O2 -

He found the O2 Hip Hop bar

Due to the combined efforts of Chris & Helen I am now also a big Formula 1 fan. I really enjoy the races and even the getting up early for races on the other side of the world (especially when Chris makes me tea!).

I'm lucky that I get on well with Chris's fiancee Vana. She's absolutely lovely and they make a really great couple.

Ahhhhhh

Chris is also an AMAZING photographer, he's given me the photo bug too and I really hope to get as good as him one day. I love it when me, him and Vana take our cameras out for a trip and comparing shots when we get home. Please check out Chris's photos here - https://www.flickr.com/photos/chrisr91/ as they are truely brilliant but he doesn't believe me!

Out taking some photos last summer

Amazing photo by Chris

I love you all

Xx Jen xX

Joining The 27 Club!

I now have 1 hour and 9 minutes left of my 26th year on this fair planet which feels like a bit of a shock to the system seeing as I still feel 17\18 most of the time! To use a cliche (apologies as always) I seriously cannot believe how fast this year has just gone.

If you'd asked me a few years ago I wouldn't have believed that I've made it to 27 in mostly one piece. Looking to the future just wasn't an option since I was mostly under a dark cloud. Although things have been tough lately I have the benefit of knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I got these gorgeous flowers from the ladies at work.

I've been doing fun pre-birthday stuff the last few days. On Saturday I got my carnival on with Luke, Barry, Lydia, Hilary & James. Eastbourne always used to have a carnival but it was cancelled years ago because of 'health & safety' *eye roll*. Thankfully sense was seen and it was restarted again 2years ago. 

Flowers in my hair! 

Post-funfair and carnival we had a midnight BBQ and jacuzzi fun. It's been 6 years since I last wore a swimming cossie and I'm pleased to say I've now jumped that hurdle :-) 

Luke, Lydia, Hilary, Barry and Patch!

I treated myself to a new zoom lens for my camera as a birthday present to myself (not just to capture the F35 at Farnborough Airshow next month you understand) and have been practising with it near my home photographing birds and dragonflies. 

 

Today Helen treated me to a day out in London to celebrate my last day of being 26. We went to the V&A Museum and it's

Glamour Of Italian Fashion exhibition (check it out here). The clothes were stunning and I have fallen in lust with lots of pieces! My favourite exhibit was Elizabeth Taylor's Bvulgari emerald necklace, ring and brooch .... Just wow! 

Here's a couple of pics from our day - 

Yummy ice cream

Getting hands on with an exhibit

Attempting some glamour of my own outside the V&A

Helen in Kensington Creperie

Well I now have 29 minutes of being 26 left so, should I go senile overnight and forget everything then let me say now, thank you to everyone who reads my random musings and gives me such lovely feedback. It is really, really appreciated.

Love Jen

XxxX

PS Happy Birthday to me!