Welcome To Halloween Town

Those of you with calenders or with awareness of dates in October will know that tomorrow is my favourite day of the year .... Halloween! Halloween is my Christmas Day, I put more effort into Halloween decoration crafting and drawing than I would dream of for Christmas.

 

Halloween appeals to me because I have a very dark side, it makes me a good goth. I don't do the whole let's dress up slutty and pretty for the evening. In my opinion if you're gonna dress up you gotta look scary or at least original or funny (sexy pirates, naughty nurses et all need not apply).  Last year I went as 'bipolar' (when we all still thought that was what was wrong with me) with half my face done in my vintage stylee red lippie and eyeliner with my arm on that side decorated with one of the vintage-style charm bracelets I'd made. The other side of my face was white foundation and lots of black eyeliner designs. Down that arm I covered myself in studded wrist bands, skull bracelets and my rock n roll red glove. Pretty witty I think.

 

There are many different origins and traditions that Halloween 'costumes' come from. All Hallows Eve (Halloween) is believed to be the time when the veil between the living and the dead is at it's thinnest. One of the earliest costume traditions is believed to have originated here in Britain where people dressed and went round collecting offerings for spirits of the departed (this could possibly be a very early precursor to trick or treating). My favourite tradition is the belief that if you dressed your child as an evil spirit or supernatural being then the spirits that prowled that night would believe that they were one of them and thus not steal them. I love the idea of hiding them in plain sight. Look up some of the costumes that kids were dressed in and I guarantee they'll be scarier than anything you'll see tomorrow night (hence not including them on this post).  

 

Halloween is also a very useful oppourtunity for me to stock up on goth clothes and accessories to keep me going through the year! I still have some lovely spider ear studs that I got in Sainsburys about 5 years ago that I wear regularly. More recently Halloween has been the perfect excuse for me to make goth jewellery to my heart's content, I have so many gorgeous skull, skeleton and spooky charms to play with. I've just finished the bracelet to go with my costume this year, It's a gold and black wrap-around bangle with black skulls.

 

This year I'm combining my love of the 1920s with the Mexican Day Of The Dead celebrations that happen directly after Halloween (the celebrations remember the souls of departed loved ones, there are parades and people will build alters in honour of their spirits and decorate them with things they enjoyed in life - I'd like to request bunnies, unicorns, a Vulcan bomber, a 30 Seconds To Mars CD, gin and chocolate!). I'm going to be attempting Day Of The Dead face make-up (and praying to god that my spots and eczema play nice tomorrow and don't show through the white foundation!) and have bought a 'flapper' dress to wear over my skull print leggings (another buy from about 6 years ago!). It's all being accessorised with some 1920s style earrings I found in Primark of all places 3/4 years ago. Strings of fake pearls, the aforementioned bracelet and skull ear studs.

 

I like the idea that for one night of the year people go out of their way to abandon their normal selves and lightly (in most cases) embrace their darker sides. I obviously take it as a compliment that people wish to impersonate the way I dress throughout the year and dedicate an entire evening to it! I encourage everyone to step out of their comfort zones for one night whether it's watching a scary film,  going on a ghost walk (I promise myself every year that I will actually get round to going on one!) or layering on the black make-up - tip from a pro, if you don't have a primer to go on underneath then pop some concealer over your eyelids/around your eyes (depending on how mad you're going), it'll help the make-up stick all evening.

 

Whatever you're doing have a terrifying Halloween and look out for the dead flapper behind you ..................

 

Love Jen

XxxX

 

Ps for god's sake do not let anyone convince you that doing any kind of seance or ouija board is a good idea, you may have contact from spirits of departed loved ones but you are leaving the door and yourselves open to demons and bad spirits who will wreck holy hell (no pun intended) on you. Don't say I didn't warn you!

To BPD, Or Not To BPD

Next Tuesday I have my 6 month follow-up with 'my' psychiatrist - sounds terribly important to claim to have a medical professional allocated to you no? I've had two previous appointments, one right at the end of last year and another back in April.

 

When I had my first appointment I went in assuming that I had either Bipolar II or Cyclothymia (the more rapid cycling less severe younger sibling to Bipolar if you will) and the associated anxieties with it. Firstly it was nice to have a psychiatrist who actually listened to me this time rather than the one two years previously who'd basically told me I was over-anxious, didn't fit into society and was unsure which medication to prescribe me because I was 'heavy' (I was a size 14 at the time - not sure what he'd make of my 16/18 self now!).

 

At the end of the appointment the Dr told me that he believed that I had a mixture of Obssessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Cyclothymia (as explained above) and Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (otherwise known as Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD). I was a little staggered as I guess I'd gone in with a set idea of what was wrong with me in my mind and had done plenty of reading up on Bipolar and it's symptoms and treatments. To my credit I fully took on board what the Dr had to say which for me is pretty good as I do have a habit of selectively remembering information and accidentally discarding things that don't seem relevant (luckily I did take Mum and Helen - especially when I managed to forget what I was supposed to do with my upped medication!).

 

I immediately mentally (no pun intended) disputed the OCD, I'm the messiest person known to man, rabbit or unicorn (the only thing I'm anal about are my CD shelves which are strictly arranged according to genre, with artists grouped together and a seperate stack of my most listened to albums - the Nirvana, 30STM, Lady GaGa albums along with MCR's greatest hits and the Top Gun soundtrack since you ask). But apparently some of my biggest anxious thoughts come under OCD in the way that I constantly ruminate on them, the thoughts spiral and I try to find ways to 'check' on them. So yes I have accepted the OCD 'thing' and maybe one day it'll even make me tidy and stop Helen wincing every time she comes in my room and sees the mess.

 

With the BPD I didn't want to accept it, I guess because it has nasty words like "emotionally unstable" and "personality" with it, it makes you feel like there's something really badly wrong with you as a person. In a way I've been disagreeing with it and fighting with it so to speak ever since. The books I've read use examples that don't seem to relate to me, the websites I've looked at just seem to paint a picture of horrible out of control people. There was even a website that I found when I was trying to research whether women with BPD should attempt to conceive or have children, just out of curiosity I hasten to add, 'supporting' men with ex-wives/girlfriends with BPD who have 'trapped' them into relationships by being pregnant or who are generally 'evil psychos'. Incidentally it would appear that pregnancy & BPD are not happy bedfellows going by various accounts I've read including one where the mother to be threatened to cut the baby out of her stomach!

 

So I've been almost trying to 'prove' that I don't have BPD so I don't have to face up to it in a way, I'm more than happy to tackle friends and families' problems head on and with great energy but when it comes to me I'm more of a head in the sand kinda gal. So this morning I've been taking advantage of having an office to myself and taking loads of online BPD tests to prove that I don't have it, irritatingly they've all come up that I have a definite BPD type mentality *damn* and that I should seek confirmation from a trained professional *double damn*.

 

This is a 'sample' one that I took on an American site (the Americans really do seem to have a far better handle on psychiatric diagnosis and treatments than we do) - it does seem to have been lifted from a foreign site (the sentence structures make me think it must be German - 6 years of study didn't go to waste!) so I'll keep it worded as it was - especially as some of it is quite comically written!

 

Basically you select from 0-3 to agree or disagree with the statements (0 is strongly disagree and 3 is strongly agree).

 

1. In my family there was substance abuse (alcohol, prescription drugs, narcotics,..) 
AND/OR
I'm a habitual or compulsive user of narcotic drugs / alcohol / prescription drugs /..

My selection - 0

 

2. It doesn't take much for me to fall into anger.

My selecton - 3

 

3. I still have the same goals and priorities for my life as I had 2-3 year ago, and I also have relatively clear objectives for the upcoming 3 years.

My selection - 2 - I've never really had any goal or priorities so this one was a little hard to answer

 

4. Sometimes I am falling into deep emotional holes (with feelings of anxiety or depression).

My selection - 3

 

5. With some people, I have a quite extreme relationship: I deeply love them, but they can also burn me up.

My selection - 1, I figure that 'burn me up' means annoy or upset me but then that's surely normal of any relationship between family or friends? Everyone winds other people up from time to time. Is human nature!

 

6. Sometimes I feel very lost and lonely, and this can be very hard to bear.

My score - 3

 

7. It is difficult for me to maintain stable and lasting friendships.

My score - 0

 

8.
I occasionally hurt myself on purpose 
AND/OR
I am prone for smaller or bigger accidents.

My score - 3 but I'm not sure if I should score myself extra for being clumsy??

 

9. Sometimes, I find myself in feelings of extreme, paralyzing boredom - although there would actually be enough for me to do.

My score - 2

 

10. "I know who I am." - This statement applies to me

My score -1

 

11. Sometimes I'm not sure about my sexual preferences or what direction it really takes me.

My score - 2

 

12. Mostly I find ways and means to achieve my goals. If necessary, I will help for a little.

My score - 1 - also possibly my favourite worded section of the test!

 

13. Due to psychological problems, I already had contacts with psychiatry (hospitalization, psychological or psychiatri assessment(s) etc.), or it has been recommended to me to see a psychiatrist or psychotherapist.

My score - 3

 

14. In my life, I occasionally had the feeling to to lose control over myself, to "lose it" or to "go ballistic".

My score - 2

 

15.
I have memories of sexual abuse or violence (very harsh punishments also count), eg by parents, relatives or other people) 
AND/OR
I was left in the lurch by my parents in early ages (eg, separation, given away for adoption, to child and youth homes, nonparental supervision, ...)

My score - an obvious 0! It does annoy me when people assume you must have been abused!

 

16. I'm often spending much more than I planned.

My score - 1 - I am shockingly well behaved! Especially now that my job pays far less than before.

 

17. I often get in intense anger, which in some cases can lead to brawls or fights.

My score -2 - it is closer to a 3 but I am able to control it and haven't actually punched anyone, even those irritating people that walk SO SLOWLY in a crowd and slow everyone down! I do often see myself decking them!

 

18. If I feel very bad, it can lead to such an extent that I am hurting myself (or at least announce to do it).

My score - 2

 

19. Sometimes I use actions or make decisions without thinking enough about the consequences.

My score -1

 

20. I am a person with severe mood swings.

My score - 3

 

21. I tend to "black and white painting", to statements as "that's so.."/"that isn't.." or "You/they always..."/"You/they never..." with no gray area - without closer considerations.

My score -3

 

22. When I talk to other people, it often happens that they find it difficult to follow my train of thought.

My score 3 - sorry guys! It all seems logical in my head! Perhaps my brain just works too fast for ya'll :P

 

23. I quickly lose my equilibrium when things go awry / different to what I expected.

My score - 2

 

24. I have already taken significantly more on a drug than prescribed.

My score - 0 - I bloody hate taking tablets so the thought of taking more than I need to actually makes me gag!

 

25. If I fall into anger, it takes some time, until I calm (or let someone calm myself).

My score -1

 

26. Some people say/said about me that I was manipulative and sneaky.

My score 0 - well I bloomin hope not!

 

27. Within the last 2 years, I had recurrent thoughts of suicide.

My score - 2

 

28.
When I'm alone, 
AND/OR
When I have nothing to do,
I easily get 'cabin fever' / start climbing the walls - boredom or the feeling of emptiness burden me above average.

My score - 2

 

29. Occasionally, I'm stealing something from stores.

My score - 0

 

30. There are periods when I tend to binge eating.

My score 3 - CHOC.O.LATE but I just thought that was being female!

 

31. I'm scared of being alone.

My score 1 - as it depends what mood I'm in

 

32. When I ought to write a three-page essay on what really matters to me in life, I would not think twice, and could immediately start to write.

My score - 2

 

33. I'm very afraid of being abandoned by the people I love.

My score - 2

 

34. If I am under extreme stress, I sometimes have an ominous feeling that I could 'crack up', to be swept off my feet, or to completely lose control of myself.

My score - 2

 

35.
I have broken many a time trainings, psychotherapy, medical treatment, school, etc., changed or lost my job more than average 
AND/OR
I have more broken relationships behind me than other people my age

My score -1 - purely 'cos I've had to leave 3 jobs due to them aggravating my condition/s

 

36.
Some of my friends, I sometimes wonder whether they really are the right ones for me 
AND/OR I often wonder whether my relationship partner is the right one for me.

My score - 0

 

37. Sometimes I'm extremely bored.

My score - 3

 

38. I find it not easy to empathize with other people.

My score - 0

 

39.
Sometimes I can't avoid the feeling that someone pursues me 
AND/OR Sometimes I have the feeling that certain parts of my body don't belong to me 
AND/OR Sometimes, I perceive things (visually or acoustically) of which I doubt that they are real.

My score - 0

 

40. I have fears (eg. of blushing, public speaking, of certain animals, from storms, fear of heights, from dirt, from spreading) that I just can't get rid of.

My score - 2 - as I figure this covers my OCDs

 

So let's assume that I'll finally take my diagnosis on board, I looked up the various treatments availible to help me cope with my problems and there are actually quite a few according to the Royal College Of Psychiatrists (so no weird quack remedies there).

 

We have -

 

Mentalisation Based Therapy (MBT) - combines group and individual therapy. It aims to help you better understand yourself and others by being more aware of what’s going on in your own head and in the minds of others. It is helpful in borderline personality disorder.

 

Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) – this uses a combination of cognitive and behavioural therapies, with some techniques from Zen Buddhism. It involves individual therapy and group therapy, and is helpful in borderline personality disorder.

 

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) - a way to change unhelpful patterns of thinking. Been there, had about10000 sessions of it and didn't help one jot!

 

Schema Focused Therapy - a cognitive therapy that explores and changes collections of deep unhelpful beliefs. Again, it seems to be effective in borderline personality disorder. (Is that not CBT in disguise?)

 

Transference Focused Therapy - a structured treatment in which the therapist explores and changes unconscious processes. It seems to be effective in borderline personality disorder.

 

Dynamic Psychotherapy - looks at how past experiences affect present behaviour. It is similar to Transference Focused Therapy, but less structured.

 

Treatment in a therapeutic community – this is a place where people with long-standing emotional problems can go to (or sometimes stay) for several weeks or months. Most of the work is done in groups. People learn from getting on – or not getting on - with other people in the treatment group. It differs from 'real life' in that any disagreements or upsets happen in a safe place. People in treatment often have a lot of say over how the community runs. In the UK, it is more common now for this intensive treatment to be offered as a day programme, 5 days a week.

 

I've had a quick flick around google for any of these services in and around Eastbourne, I've found loads of Psychotherapists and Counsellors but none that seem to specialise in anything for BPD. So it's all very well accepting this diagnosis but what am I supposed to do about it when there are no services availible?

 

Did I say dammit?

 

Love Jen

XxxxX

More Musical Lists

As I've mentioned before one of the things I really enjoy about my job (aside from having the frequent excuse to go down and visit my friends in the library and pretend I still work there) is having the radio on in the office. We tend to stick to Radio 2 as it's one we all agree on (if it were just me in there it would be dividing it's time between Radio 2, Kerrang Radio, Planet Rock and XFM), this means that I get to do the Popmaster quiz each day. I should take this opportunity to boast that today I got 24 in BOTH ROUNDS! And yes I am going to be insufferable for the rest of the week about this!

 One of the other program mes I enjoy is the half hour "Non-stop oldies" where a listener writes in with their favourite songs or songs that have featured at prominent times in their lives. Today's picks must have been by someone the exact same age as me as they chose Greenday - Wake Me Up When September Ends, The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army, James Blunt - You're Beautiful and Coldplay - Fix You (not so good as it always reminds me of Nat) which were all massive when I was at college.  I keep threatening to write in with my selection, I'd find it so hard to pick just half an hours' worth though as I have different songs from different eras of my life that all remind me of different people/situations/places i've been.

So naturally I've made 'long-lists' of different eras to be whittled down to short lists!

Primary school 1994-1998

Music wasn't a major factor in my life when I was really young. Luckily I wasn't affected by Robbie or Take That-gate, although I do remember loads of girls in tears in the playground when they split. 

The songs that stick out for me are ones that were on the radio a lot or from films I enjoyed. So we have -

Circle Of Life - The Lion King - Still my joint favourite film with Top Gun, this was the first song I fell in love with and I still love it today. There is a rather embarrassing video of me and Chris singing it on a campsite in Dorset.

Spice Girls - Wannabe - I loved the Spice Girls, Dad in fact bribed me with their first album to learn to ride my bike (and yes I can still be bribed with music related prizes). I listened to it over and over and aside from the Lion King soundtrack was the first album I knew off by heart.

Backstreet Boys - Quit Playing Games - I don't really know why this one stuck in my head as I was never a great BSB fan. From what I remember this was playing constantly through the summer of 96 whilst we were on holiday in France.

A similar song is Sheryl Crow - Change, I think this too must have been a big radio hit as it stuck in my mind.

I have to embarrass myself here and include my favorite band from this period and into secondary school, 911, I could have omitted them to look much cooler but since I am nothing if not honest with you people here is my bad music confession! I did the typical teen thing & had my walls plastered with posters of them and listened to their music incessantly (my parents are saints for putting up with that!). Mum even took me to see them for my 13th birthday (interesting to note that the day after was my first very bad post-event depression, guess I was kooky even back then, well I can't have been all there to like 911 but I digress!). I think my favorite of their songs was probably Bodyshakin' although I can't actually remember any of their other songs, probably a blessing!

Secondary School 1998-2003

My musical interest really developed from starting secondary school. For the first year and a half music was my only companion since no-one else would speak to me expect to deliver a barrage of abuse. Even after making friends, who I'm proud to say are still my friends today, I was still bullied every day until I left. Music was my solace, it shielded me from the reality of the situation, consoled me, cheered me up and so much more. It's funny as since the start of secondary school right up until the present day every memory I have is soundtrack by one song or another, as if my life genuinely does have its own film score! 

So these are my picks for secondary school, not necessarily songs I liked but ones that remind me of the time.

Madonna - Frozen - Madonna's Ray Of Light album came out as I started at Willingdon. And I remember hearing this playing from a radio next to an open window that I was sitting under having my lunch and hiding from my year group (it's called a lunch BREAK for a reason, I felt I shouldn't have to deal with their crap for those 45 minutes).

Craig David - Fill Me In. I HATE THIS SONG! With a PASSION! Unfortunately the radio and people at school didn't so I was hounded by it day and bloomin night. I hated it on the first play and the radio stations kindly put it on rotation Every. Single. Hour. It's still my most hated song of all time.

Christina Aguilera - Genie In A Bottle - I always preferred Christina over Britney, I never thought Britney could actually sing (I still don't!) Christina has a genuine voice. I remember this playing a lot as I was starting the second year of secondary school. 

Atomic Kitten - The Tide Is High - I'm not actually sure why this cover of Blonde's classic sticks out so much. It was a big hit the summer of 2001 and I liked it because of its summery sound - I like anything that reminds me of summer!

The Offspring - Pretty Fly (For A White Guy) - the song that opened my ears to rock! For that I will be eternally grateful (I could still be listening to 911 otherwise....) despite them sucking at Reading 2011 I still love this song and am greatly indebted to them for showing me the alternative to the pop music I was starting to get sick of. 

Eminem - The Way I Am - Eminem's classic Marshall Mathers album came out just when I needed it. It was the darkest music I'd listened to at that pointed and it fitted perfectly with how I felt. Although looking back on it some of the lyrics are shockingly homophobic and misogynistic I still count it as a classic album. Knowing that he had been through hell at high school and was saying a 'fuck you' to the bullies gave me hope and gave me something to pour my anger and frustration into.

Limp Bizkit - Rollin' - for all those times spent with Lydia & Hilary watching the video or listening to the album in my room. Fred Durst I salute you!

Linkin Park - One Step Closer - I got into Linkin Park around the same time as Blink 182 & Limp Bizkit and I preferred them over Limp Bizkit because of their heavier sound and more relatable lyrics. I still listen to Hybrid Theory today - it's an awesome album!

Special mentions also go to -

Bowling For Soup - Girl All The Bad Guys Want

Red Hot Chilli Peppers - Californication 

Westlife - My Love

Will Young - Evergreen

Good Charlotte - Lifestyles Of The Rich And The Famous

Darude - Sandstorm 

Justin Timberlake - Rock Your Body

Sum 41 - Fat Lip

Blink 182 - First Date

Wheatus - Teenage Dirtbag

Vanessa Carlton - 1000 Miles

Michelle Branch - Everywhere

College 2003-2005

I don't need to tell you all how much I loved college! Music played a massive part of those 2 years - it helped me bond with new friends, gained me a fiance, assisted in great nights out and gigs. There are so so many songs I love from this time, these are just a few -

Green Day - Holiday - I was aware of Green Day previously but hadn't listened to them a huge amount but the American Idiot album just blew me away. The energy, the fury I just loved it. It catapulted them into my favorite bands list where they still reside comfortably today.

Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit - an obvious choice for any college rock chick but my god did I love Nirvana and still do. Kurt Cobain encapsulated everything I still felt after my experiences at school into some of the greatest songs, in my humble opinion, ever written.

Oasis - Live Forever - of course another good thing about college was discovering 'classics' of the indie and rock genres. I listened to Oasis' first two albums Definitely Maybe & What's The Story (Morning Glory)? constantly. This particular song steals it as it's about being young and feeling like you have all the possibilities in the world open to you.

Black Sabbath - Paranoid - as mentioned above, I did a great deal of music mind expansion and started listening to what many people refer to as 'Dad Rock' but I prefer to call good music! And what's cooler than walking around in a Black Sabbath shirt?

The Killers - Mr Brightside - the entire Hot Fuss album IS college - enough said.

Special mentions go to -

Kaiser Chiefs - I Predict A Riot 

Razorlight - Golden Touch

Muse - Hysteria

The Coral - Dreaming Of You

The White Stripes - 7 Nation Army

The Streets - Fit But You Know It

My Chemical Romance - I'm Not Ok (I Promise)

The Libertines - Can't Stand Me Now

Keane - Can't Stop Now

James Blunt - You're Beautiful

Stereophonics - Dakota

The Bravery - Honest Mistake

Post college Autumn 2005 - Spring 2010

This is what I refer to as my first 'black spot'. As soon as I left college I was depressed, felt disconnected from my friends, self-harming and struggling to see the point to anything much, add in Nat's suicide and you get the point. There were still some stand out musical moments in that time though, including some blokes called 30 Seconds To Mars or something????

Muse -Supermassive Black Hole - I was already a fan and I just loved the craziness of this song.

Lily Allen - LDN - I love the summer vibe juxtaposed with the sarcastic lyrics of the song.

My Chemical Romance - Welcome To The Black Parade - I was already a massive MCR fan and I loved this on the first listen. The whole imagery of the album is fantastic and I don't believe it's over the top to call it a modern classic.

Razorlight - America - This was a more melancholy sound than Golden Touch & Rip It Up and absolutely reflected how I was feeling.

30 Seconds To Mars - Kings & Queens - I used to feel cynical when people gushed that a song saved their life until it, in part, happened to me. You all know the story of the KoKo gig and how I met them blah blah. But what most people don't know is that prior to the show I'd gotten the tickets but was in such a low place I wasn't sure if I wanted to go and see my favourite band. That was until I heard this song, it was so beautiful and uplifting and I knew I had to hold on even if it was just to hear it live. From then my life changed thanks to that song.

Special mentions -

30 Seconds To Mars - The Kill (Bury Me)

Rihanna - Umbrella 

Nine Inch Nails - Closer

AFI - Love Like Winter

Beyonce - Sweet Dreams

Justin Timberlake - Sexyback

The Fratellis - Chelsea Dagger

Kasabian - Fire

The Prodigy - Omen

Fallout Boy - I'm Like A Lawyer 

Panic At The Disco - I Write Sins Not Tragedies

Taking Back Sunday -MakeDamnSure

The Flaming Lips - Yeah Yeah Yeah Song

The Gossip - Standing In The Way Of Control

Spring 2010 - Winter 2011 -

This was my period of respite! I started to feel really well and came off my medication, there were foreign trips and I met Helen, the rest as they say is history ........

Rihanna - Bad Boy - I spent most Saturday nights clubbing with Luke, Hilary and Lydia and this got played loads. It reminds me of having fun and feeling normal!

Kesha - Tik Tok - See above

30 Seconds To Mars - Closer To The Edge - Helen and I bonded over our love of the band and this song always reminds me of her. "I will never forget, I will never regret, I will live my life"

Lady GaGa - Dance In The Dark - Me and Luke went to see Lady G at the start of 2010 and I've worshipped her ever since. 

Maroon 5 ft Christina Aguilera - Moves Like Jagger - this song caused a moment of hilarity when it came on the radio in the library and as I grumbled "I can't stand this song" Kat shouted "I love this song", it became 'our' song after that!

Special mentions -

30 Seconds To Mars - Hurricane

Jessie J - Price Tag

Marina & The Diamonds - America

Glee Cast - Don't Stop Believing

Journey - Don't Stop Believing

Cristina Perry - Jar Of Hearts

Bruno Mars - Grenade

Biffy Clyro - Many Of Horror

Pink - Fucking Perfect

The Pretty Reckless - Miss Nothing

Brandon Flower - Crossfire

My Chemical Romance - Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na

Winter 2011 - Now

As any reader of this blog will know the last couple of years have been a little up and down to say the least! That doesn't mean it hasn't had a pretty damn good soundtrack!

Indina Menzel - Let It Go - Mum & Helen's least favourite Disney song. I personally enjoy warbling this at the top of my voice!

Pharrell Williams & Robin Thicke - Blurred Lines - Awful lyrics once you actually listen to the song but good luck getting it out of your head!

Sigma ft Paloma Faith - Changing - the soundtrack to last Autumn

30 Seconds To Mars - Do Or Die - "Dream out loud" nuff said

The Who - Baba O'Riley - Obsessive listening to their back catalogue pre-concert!

Lana Del Ray - Born To Die - I love her voice and dark melodies

Taylor Swift - Trouble - I love Taylor and I love this song, a great one for singing along to in a dramatic fashion!

The Runaways - Cherry Bomb - I looked them up after watching the film based on them and this is my favourite of their songs.

Deap Valley - End Of The World - I'm so glad I discovered this band, the lead singer has a fantastic voice. 

The Pretty Reckless - House On A Hill - I went to see them last year and this was my favourite song of the show.

Caro Emerald - Just One Dance - Caro writes beautiful vintage style songs and this one makes me want to run to my nearest dance hall in my best tea dress!

Other standouts are -

Skrillex - Bangarang

Bad Blood - Taylor Swift

Royal Blood - Little Monster

Brody Dalle - Rat Race

My Chemical Romance - Fake Your Death

30 Seconds To Mars - Conquistador

The Ghost Inside - Engine 45

Fallout Boy - The Phoenix

Adele - Skyfall

Pink & Nate Ruess - Just Give Me A Reason

Lorde - Royals

So after much thought I have whittled down my top 10 songs to the following (I have also limited it to one song per band for reasons of fairness), here are my non-stop oldies - 

1. 30 Seconds To Mars - Kings & Queens

2. Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit

3. Lady GaGa - Bad Romance

4. Green Day - Jesus Of Suburbia

5. Jimi Hendrix - Purple Haze

6. Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb

7. The Who - Baba O'Riley

8. The Sex Pistols - Anarchy In The UK

9. The Killers - Mr Brightside

10. My Chemical Romance - I'm Not Ok (I Promise)

I also felt it prudent to include my 5 'Desert Island Discs', the 5 albums that I would want to be stranded on a desert island with. Again I have limited myself to 1 per band.

30 Seconds To Mars - This Is War - Naturally I love all their records but this is the one that changed my life

Nirvana - Nevermind - I would have loved to have taken In Utero or Unplugged In New York too, but Nevermind with Smells Like Teen Spirit & Something In The Way just pips them to the list

Greenday - American Idiot - this album is a masterpiece from start to finish

Lady GaGa - The Fame Monster - I love all the songs on this album and it brings back great memories

Top Gun OST - So I can still mentally geek on the off chance the island doesn't come equipped with planes for me to watch!

Love Jen

XxxX

The Gigs Of My Years

As my regular readers will know *waves to you all* music is one of the biggest passions of my life, we have a newbie in the office this week and I was most restrained in waiting until today to grill her about her musical taste (she er started yesterday). We were comparing festivals that we've been to (V in her case and Reading & Download in mine!), favorite artists we've seen live and acts we've been really disappointed with, although we have different taste in artist the themes are the same. No matter what music you like you'll always be excited to see your favorites live, you'll discover new favorites after seeing them and unfortunately be disappointed if a band you really like absolutely suck live! Or of course the stress of watching the page slowly load as you try and book tickets to a band you've been dying to see.

I'm really lucky to have had the opportunities to experience the live music I have and although I have yet to achieve the dizzy heights of "Of course I have been to over 1000 live shows" like the idiot queing behind me at Church Of Mars earlier this year was boasting (Actually how do you see over 1000 live shows? The guy was probably in his 40s, let's say 45 for arguments sake that would make him approx 16,380 days old so let's assume he's been going to shows since he was 17 like me that's 28 years of gig worthy days, 10.192 days, I still fail to see how that's physically possible! but I digress) I do feel that I am in a position to share the highs and lows of my gig-going career thus far.

You see it's not just about the band/artist you see, it's about the things that go on during or around the show, hearing a new song for the first time, something funny that happens on the way to or from a show so many memories and emotions can be attached to a gig. These then become your own personal legends that you can bore people with at a later date (or through a blog :P).

Festivals are the best place for seeing a great variety of bands and in my opinion are a rite of passage for anyone even vaguely interested in music! Plus you get even more memories attached to them - mostly stumbling around in the dark and trying to get into the wrong tent but you know - happens to the best of us!

So these are the shows I've been to, the bands I've loved and stood through horrendous support acts for (I'm looking at you LostAlone, We Fell To Earth and Alphabeat), the bands I've discovered and the memories I have.

2004 -

Blur - The first 'grown up' gig I'd been to started off my college life well! Me and Alli pogoed so hard we nearly fell down the seated section of The Brighton Centre .. awkward ... It also introduced me to how cool you feel walking around in a souvenir t-shirt from the show. Being able to smugly say "Oh yes I've seen them live" is still one of my greatest pleasures when I'm asked about a band shirt I'm wearing.

Deep Purple - Dad rock rules!

Travis

Ash - My first proper 'all nighter' we missed the last train back to Eastbourne and had to be rescued from Brighton station at 3am by Alli's parents ... rock and erm roll ....

Keane

Manic Street Preachers

My Blur top

2005 -

The Hives - damn good fun!

REM - This was mine, Lydia & Hilary's first ever 'big' show. They played on a beautiful July evening in Hyde Park, whenever I hear Nightswimming it takes me right back to that beautiful sunset and Michael Stipe sat on the piano singing. It was also a noteable evening as Lydia & Hilary turned 18 on the way home - in Gatwick Airport car park in fact, it's amazing how well a raucous rendition of happy birthday echoes in an empty car park late at night!

Alice Cooper - Got to the front and then had to hide when he decided to bring a snake onstage #rockchickproblems

Feeder

Reading 05 - I LOVE festivals! This was my first and will always be my favourite, all the bands we loved through college were gathered in one place. It introduced us to mobile raves and I may possibly still be married to my ex after 'the messiah' officiated a brief ceremony for us. We saw -

The Pixies - Seeing Kurt Cobain's contemporaries blew my fangirl mind!

Razorlight

The Killers  - I will always associate leaning against an ice cream van and singing along at the top of my voice with the Hot Fuss album

Goldie lookin chain - Genius! And I say that with no irony!

The Coral

Queens Of The Stone Age

Kasabian

Fightstar - My first experience of dodging bottles of piss in an enclosed space ...

My Chemical Romance - "I'm not ooookaaayyy"

Biffy Clyro

Foo Fighters - My fangirl head exploded once more when Dave Grohl announced "I'm jumping on the drums here for the first time since 1992"

Iron Maiden

Marilyn Manson

In Hyde Park with Lydia & Hilary

Keeping my strength up with highly nutritious Chinese!

2006 -

James Blunt - Don't judge! I genuinely love the Back To Bedlam album!

Feeder

2007 -

My Chemical Romance - The Black Parade tour was amazing!

Deep Purple

Muse - My first ever stadium gig was at the 'new' Wembley Stadium, what a show! I've never seen so many pyrotechnics in one place! We also had Dirty Pretty Things & The Streets as support acts.

Metallica - Another Wembley show just awesome!

30 Seconds To Mars - The first time I ever saw them live at Brixton Academy (altogether now ahhhhh). I loved them from the first time I heard Attack & The Kill and seeing them live sealed it for me. I'd never seen so much love between a band and audience and I haven't since. A really special band.

Alice Cooper - We had Motorhead and Joan Jett as the support acts, Joan Jett is officially my first ever girl crush.

Reading 07 - My second Reading outing with Alli and Lydia. Naturally I hadn't planned for the weather being warm and spent the whole weekend complaining that I was too hot. I blame this entirely for me falling in a comatose sleep during Funeral For A Friend! The acts I saw were -

Smashing Pumpkins

Razorlight

The Gossip

Red Hot Chilli Peppers - I have never, ever been so disappointed in a band. They spent 60% of the set noodling around jamming and when they did deign to play a song they were out of tune and just terrible! I still struggle to listen to them now.

Audio Bullys

Me & Chris off to see My Chemical Romance

Lunch in Camden with Gem pre-Metallica

Chris at Metallica

Me at Metallica

Guarding the luggage on the way to Reading

Alli & Lydia - Happy campers!

At Alice Cooper

2008 -

30 Seconds To Mars - There was no way I'd ever not see my now favorite band again! This was at the Hammersmith Apollo and I managed to amuse the group of people I was with by falling backwards off of a bollard outside the entrance (long story)

Iron Maiden - I took Chris to see them at Twickenham (Avenged Sevenfold were the support) home of the world's most expensive cups of tea! Immense show though!

Give It A Name 08- It's bizarre going to an indoor festival, the benefit being that there was a Ben & Jerry's stall (what better mix than ice cream & music?). It's a shame Earls Court has closed now as it was a great venue.  I saw -

The Blackout

Plain White Tees

Billy Talent

30 Seconds To Mars

Me & Chris at Iron Maiden (my expression is one of disbelief at the aforementioned tea prices!)

2009 -

Fallout Boy - The good thing about going to gigs at the Brighton Centre is that you can spend the day in The Lanes drinking milkshakes as me and Kayleigh did prior to the show!

The Prodigy - One of the best live bands I've ever seen

Oasis - We had Kasabian as the support act, I will one day see them at one of their own shows! We were lucky to go to this Wembley show as they split the following week (not sure if I'm inadvertently responsible?)

Muse - Chris's 18th birthday present was a ticket to their O2 show and the pleasure of spending the evening with me - I'm such a good sister no?

Greenday - I FINALLY got to see the band I'd loved since I was at college and it was well worth the wait!

30 Seconds To Mars - I was so pleased that they announced a show at KoKo as Camden is my favorite place in the world. This was a small show prior to the release of the This Is War album (still my favorite of their releases) and I'd had to pay a ridiculous amount on a tout site for the ticket (touts are scum of the earth!). The price was worth it, this show fights with the more recent 'Church Of Mars' show for the title of my favorite show ever. I heard my favorite ever song Kings & Queens live for the first time and at the end of the show they announced that they'd do a signing. They were as good as their word when they promised not to leave until everyone who wanted something signed had their signature. I believe they were there until 3 the following morning, that's why I love this band. And yes I do still giggle like a girl every time anyone says "nice shirt".

Marilyn Manson - Tip don't go to rock shows when you have a migraine

Alice Cooper

Kayleigh & Me at Fallout Boy

Pete Wentz of Fallout Boy

Me & Chris at Muse

Muse at the O2

Glyphed Up with my KoKo ticket

Jared chatting to us pre-signing

Waiting to meet Mars!

2010-

30 Seconds To Mars - Wembley Arena

Lady GaGa - Just wow! Me and Luke went and it was absolutely amazing, it was a visual feast with all the costumes, props and dancing. Oh and by the way she sings LIVE! One of the best nights of my life.

30 Seconds To Mars - They played a tiny venue at Lincoln University's Engine Shed as part of Radio 1's university tour. There were only about 500 people and my then boyfriend was delighted that Tomo popped up outside to say hello to us! 

30 Seconds To Mars - They very kindly came and played Brighton which is only half an hour away from me, most importantly it was the first show that me and Helen went to together. She also refers to it as the 'memory full' show due to the small incident when I failed to capture a photo of Jared right in front of us as my SD card was chock a block *doh*

30 Seconds To Mars - The second time they played Brighton in a week. They came out and signed for us after the show, although I'm not sure that it wasn't standing in the snow that gave me epic man-flu a week later! Most people get festival flu, I get Mars flu!

30 Seconds To Mars - They sold out the O2 Flippin Arena! I was so proud!

This was actually supposed to be a photo of Shannon but Jared lept in front of the drums as I hit the shutter!

At Wembley Arena

Me and Luke at the O2 waiting for Lady GaGa!

I love you GaGa!

Outside the venue at Lincoln

Shannon & Jared talking to Zane Lowe

Tomo outside the Engine Shed

Me and Helen outside our first show together

The moment prior to the 'Memory Full' incident

Getting ready for the second Brighton show!

Shannon signing for us

Jared at about the moment I caught man flu!

My signed ticket

2011 -

So 2011 was the year that me & Helen literally traveled round the world going to 30 Seconds To Mars shows. Combining holidays around tour dates for your favorite band is definitely the way to go! You can read about our trip to America to see them in Niagara Falls here, we also saw them in Rome (v hot) and Lille (very pretty!)

Reading 11 - Me, Lydia & Hilary took advantage of our favourite bands playing on the same day (30 Seconds To Mars & My Chemical Romance respectively) at Reading and also inducted their brother Richard into the festival tradition. There was classic festival weather and lots of mud (trust me you do not want to try jumping in wellies!). We saw -

The Blackout

Rise Against - I'm sure they were great, unfortunately I managed to fall asleep standing up whilst they were on .......... What can I say? I was in standby energy conservation mode .............

Deftones

Bring Me The Horizon - I never liked them until I saw them live, they were fantastic and I became a convert who now owns most of their albums!

The Offspring - I was so disappointed, they were one of the first rock bands I got into and they frankly looked bored as if they had better things to do. Another band I now struggle to listen to. 

New Found Glory

30 Seconds To Mars - I'd steeled myself to watch them being pelted with mud but they totally won the crowd over!

My Chemical Romance - I love MCR and they were really fantastic. I can't believe they're not around any more. 

At the front in Niagara Falls

Still the best photo I've ever taken!

Me & Mars in Niagara Falls

In Rome

And in Lille

Me & Helen at the front in Lille!

Shannon in Lille

Jared in Lille

Richard, Lydia, Hilary and me heading to Reading

It's raining ................

It's not a festival if there's not a stupid hat involved (RIP Mrs Nesbit hat)

Disheveled post gig chic

2013 -

30 Seconds To Mars - They got it into their heads to play a free 'flash show' in Soho Square London ... Did I mention I love this band?

Download 13 - Gem kindly guided me through my first Download experience,  such a good day and a first for me in getting sunburnt at a festival of all places! We saw -

Sacred Mother Tongue

Hellyeah - Best hair of the entire festival!

The Ghost Inside

Five Finger Death Punch 

30 Seconds To Mars

30 Seconds To Mars - They sold out the O2 again! Me and Helen went wild and bought side of stage tickets, I'd totally recommend them, you get a really cool view and get some super cool camera angles!

Soho Sq flash show (I scaled a bench for this shot)

Me & Gem at Download

Best hair of the festival!

Gem backstage

Mars at Download

Me and Mars (and my cool shorts)

At the O2

Tomo at the O2

Shannon at the O2

Jared at the O2

2014 -

The Pretty Reckless - I was pleased to finally see these guys as I loved Light Me Up & Going To Hell. Taylor is a fantastic singer. 

2015 -

The Who - Sometimes the oldies just show the young 'uns how to do it, any singer who does their encore with a cup of tea in their hand is a legend - Roger Daltrey I salute you sir!

30 Seconds To Mars - I woke up one April morning to a tweet announcing an intimate London show and genuinely thought I was still dreaming! What a show! It was at St John At Hackney church so was really tiny. It was such a special show and I genuinely felt privileged to be there. I love the more relaxed, tiny shows where the band can interact with the audience more, chatting and joking with us between songs. A perfect evening .......... well up until my sprint across Victoria station for the 5 past midnight train (I couldn't breathe for about 15 minutes!)

The Who - Mum and I enjoyed the O2 show so much that the following morning we booked to see them in Hyde Park! It was a beautiful summers day and we had some great support acts in Johnny Marr (my 18 year old Smiths-loving self was over the moon) and the Kaiser Chiefs, I'd been wanting to see them for 10 years and my were they worth the wait! Paul Weller was the other support act and he started really well with some Jam songs and his own stuff but completely lost the audience halfway through, even the finale of A Town Called Malice didn't particularly help. The Who of course were fantastic, if I get the chance to see them again before they retire I shall be a very happy Jenni!

Dad, Mum and Me at the O2 for The Who

Church Of Mars

Mum in Hyde Park

Hyde Park

Still to come -

I'm going to see The Prodigy with Luke & Barry in December (Seriously hoping they're as good as they were last time) and Muse with Mum and Dad next year. I'm obviously also tapping my foot (not so) patiently for Mars to finish their album and get their butts back on tour!

Love Jen

XxxX