Birds Flying High You Know How I Feel

Happy New Year (again). Sorry for the lack of blogs the last few weeks but life has kind of gotten in the way. Normally that would be a bad thing but in this case it's actually good!

Things seem to be going really well at the moment (seriously hoping I've not just tempted fate by typing that!). My mood has improved drastically, even lifted!The mood stabilisers seem to be really doing their job, I'm happy 80% of the time and even today on a slightly lower day it's a walk in the park compared to what I used to call my 'low' days! The tablets also seem to have stamped on a lot of my anxiety symptoms, I'm not having nearly so many crazy and weird worries and even my anxiety-type nightmares have lessened.

So with the help of the tablets I'm on a mission to make 2014 a Happy New Year. As well as taking part in the 100 Happy Days photo challenge (which works wonders by making me think of something every day that's made me smile – so far it's been pretty wide-ranging from a cup of tea with Helen, to a home-made bin in the office and a Chinook flypast – check out my Twitter@JenRaeFrances to see all the pics). I'm still taking lots of photos and absolutely loving my new camera –there's a mix of recent pics at the top of the page.

I'm also reconnecting with my old friends from school and college which I'm really happy about! So far I've met up with Lydia, Hilary and Luke who I've known since school and once we got past the polite "how have you beens?" it was just like old times. I'm going to work really hard to see them regularly and not let myself lose contact again! I'm trying to challenge myself to have a gathering for my birthday in June, whether it's a BBQ or a night out at the pub to prove to myself how much better I am – not that I'm already planning stuff you understand 0J. I've managed to lose just over half a stone since the start of December too, and no I have no idea how I've done it as I stuffed myself silly over Christmas (damn you Quality Street!). I'm putting it down to the change of tablets or a tapeworm, in which case tapeworm I love you dearly!

I guess I really want to make this year a positive one where I celebrate all the people and things that I love and hold dear. I want to go places and see people, have fun day trips and breaks, go to concerts – maybe a festival (this means that Mars, GaGa, Greenday et all need to get their collective butts in gear and organise some tour dates!), take advantage of new experiences. In the wise words of  30STM song Do Or Die it's "Time To Be Alive"

A New Chapter

I've had a bit of an about-turn to the book idea I detailed a couple of days ago http://stitchesbeadsrocknroll.blogspot.co.uk/2014/01/this-is-not-self-help-book.html I think that to write a factual book to help kids being bullied would actually be beyond me, in that I don't have the training or expertise to deal with child-psychology and could potentially do more harm than good. I don't feel qualified to give advice that may backfire on some poor kid and make the whole situation even worse.

But fear not those of you in anticipation of meeting me at future book-signings!

This afternoon I remembered back to those funny little short stories that I used to write for exams that were always so sad but that also seemed cathartic at the time. Then I wondered if I could expand on these and help exorcise some of my own demons at the same time. When writing the advice is always to write about what you know and I know no-one and nothing better than I know myself so the idea dawned on me to write a loosely autobiographical piece about similar experiences to my own.

I managed to write the first chapter straight off which surprised me, I didn't realise it would roll off the pen so quickly. Maybe it's something that's been trying to get out for a long time? I've set myself up with a Wattpad account so you can follow the progress of the book - http://www.wattpad.com/34742618-a-new-chapter?d=ud

So without further ado ..........

Chaper 1 -

"So what brings you to counselling?" 

The million dollar question, at this point one has a variety of choices. In the past I've tended to veer between an over-enthusiastic exhortation of the wonders of getting life's worries of my chest to a non-sensical mutter of "seemed like a good idea". I've worked this scene more times than I care to admit and can watch it almost like a film, playing different doctors off against the different versions of me that I can conjure up.  

The Psychologist has already gotten under my skin, she appears only a few years older than me, a world away from most of the other professionals I've encountered with their years of experience dealing with screw-ups like me. She's softly spoken, with an almost fragile attractiveness that immediately puts the defensive half of my brain into direct conflict with it's counterpart which is leaping foward to accept her voice's friendly embrace. 

I want to dislike her, she sharply defines my physical flaws. I push back into the chair in a vague attempt to hide my flabby form, concious of the nagging voice in my ear berating me for not wearing a longer top that wouldn't necessitate the constant watch to be sure my tummy wasn't making a bid for freedom. 

I want her to be the ideal excuse for why yet more counselling hasn't worked. The rational part of my brain chides me and tells me that "She made me feel uglier" is not a valid reason for sabotaging the session. Grumbling to itself the thought settles back down and my brain focuses back to the subject in hand, "Why am I here?" 

I have to yank back the answer on the tip of my tongue that my anger is trying to spit forth. "I hate myself so much that on sleepless nights I fantasise about slicing my own face off so that I don't have to be me any more". But she doesn't deserve that level of detail yet, she's here to help I reprimand myself "you never know this could be the one who cracks it" the hope in my brain twitters. So after a deep breath with a subconscious hand on the hem of my t-shirt to keep my tummy at bay I outline my story. 

To amuse myself I inwardly recite my story in the manner of Hollywood-style reporter "Famed for her abrupt mood swings ...... enjoyed a simple, loving childhood with her family. She began to encounter difficulties upon moving up to secondary school when, inexplicably, her entire year group decided they hated her" the crown awwwww's and the reporter continues "Since this trying period ..... has struggled with issues such as depression, anxiety, self-harm (Isn't that SO last season at her age?) and ladies and gentlemen that old chestnut self-esteem!" in my head-movie the scene would cut to a photo of me with artfully tousled hair and far-away teary eyes. I note to myself that I must learn to cry in an attractive manner such as displayed by actresses accepting oscars.  

The session continued in the normal well-trodden manner, my solemn promise not to neck a bottle of pills on the way home "really?" I thought "I'm more concerned with the availability of a decent sandwich". The end of the session came with her conclusion, events in my past were preventing me from moving foward, no suprises there!

She pointed out that to have any hope of healing I had to face these memories and experiences once and for all. I left the session with an anonymous, lined exercise book with the instruction to write everything down as if I was experiencing it there and then with the most important instuction BE HONEST.

The Day That Urban Outfitters Declared Me Fashionable!

So according to the bods at Urban Outfitters the top trends for 2014 are Anorexia and Depression! Well for the first time in my life it appears I'll be semi-trendy, admittedly I have some work to do on the anorexia side of things but all in good time...

Whilst I will try and take a lighthearted view of my own depression problems, I simply cannot make a joke of the latest mocking of mental health problems by a large (and until now) reputable shop chain. In their wisdom Urban Outfitters have decided to stock the two items in the photo below -

On the right we have a grey t-shirt bearing the caption "Eat Less" on an already gaunt and generally ill looking model. I could go into an entire rant about how terrifyingly thin she looks but that is another post for another day. What disturbs me the most about this shirt is firstly the mass-marketing dictation that skinny is the ideal shape for all women. There will be impressionable 12-13 year olds looking at this top whilst their bodies are changing due to puberty who will now be feeling fat and ugly because they don't conform to this ideal. Urban Outfitters may well use the excuse that girls this age aren't their target demographic but that is not the point, sending this message to women of any age is a disgusting and poisonous thing to do. 

As if the body facism wasn't enough, ladies and gentleman of the court I now direct you to the top on the left. Here we have an example of the trend of the last two years of the cropped slogan t-shirt bearing the term "Depression". Where to start with this one? Firstly the use of a serious medical condition to sell t-shirts makes me feel frankly sick. Would having a t-shirt emblazoned with "Heart Disease", "Brain Hemorrhage" or "Cancer" have passed the taste watershed? I think not. 

Sadly we have yet another case of the powers that be seeing mental health as an easy target to joke or to be (to quote hipster's favourite terms) 'ironic' about. You may argue that Urban Outfitters are merely a clothing chain of little influence but in the eyes of teens, young people and more middle-aged to older people than would like to admit to it they, like many other such chains, hold up an idealised life-style and all the values that come with it. 

In the most basic terms Urban Outfitters are telling us that eating disorders and mental illness are trivial, fashionable conditions that can be thrown out at the end of this season and forgotten about. Unfortunately it doesn't work like that. Whilst the fashionistas and trend-setters of this world will be in search of the next big "thing" people like me with mental health problems or with eating disorders or with terrible conditions like Body Dysmorphic Disorder will still be struggling to cope and heal. 

Conveniently the offending items are no longer listed on Urban Outfitters' website and I imagine that they will be concocting a watery PR statement as I type stating how sorry they are to have "caused offence" (might I suggest a donation to a charity such as Mind to show how truely sorry they are?). In reality the statement will be made and this will have all been forgotten in a couple of days by the media and 90% of the social media world. It will only be us who are directly affected by the problems that the chain deemed to be "cool" who remember and wonder to ourselves that in a supposedly modern, tolerant world why is it still ok to trivialise mental health problems?

Love Jen

XxxxX

100 Happy Days

I stumbled across this on Twitter this evening (actually technically this morning as it's now 12.49 am) during my read of my time line to try and tire myself out so that I actually sleep but will typically have crazy anxiety dreams as that's all my brain seems capable of conjuring up at the moment, anyways I digress.

The 100 Happy Days is a challenge to post a photo of something that makes you happy every day for 100 days (this is the website http://100happydays.com/ ). I think it's a blooming fantastic idea! Having the challenge to find one thing a day that's made me happy is definitely an uplifting task and will remind me that life isn't so bad after all and as Dory would say in "Finding Nemo" to "Just Keep Swimming".

 You can follow my progress on my Twitter account @JenRaeFrances, today's photo is obviously a photo of Estelle and Esme. I think this'll also encourage me to take a nice variety of interesting photos. Plus the website suggests posting photos of cake........

Love Jen 

XxxxX

This Is Not A Self-Help Book!

I have today decided that I'm going to write book. It's been nagging at the corners of my mind for a while now, oddly since I was about 11 people have been telling me that they thought I'd end up writing a book but until now I've laughed it off. I don't know if anything I write would be good enough to get published, but then again if crap like the snippet I heard from of one of the autobiographies from one of the Only Way Is Essex cast can be published then I'm on my way to the Booker Prize just with this blog! Seriously how can "OMFG" be allowed to be published in an actual printed book? Are you having a laugh? I know my grammer and phrases aren't exactly the queen's English but my god ....

Now there is a slight flaw to my genius plan in that I don't actually know what I want to write about. Which may be a small hindrance since one needs to actually be inspired in order to put pen to paper (or in my case fingers to keyboard). I've had a couple of ideas and I think the most (potentially) promising one thus far is a kind of support book for kids being bullied. I don't want to call it a self-help book as I find self-help books largely unhelpful but I want to write something that will tell someone that's being bullied that they're not alone and that someone else has been in a similar situation and survived to tell the tale. Whether there's enough material there to fill a short book I'm not sure but I guess it would be a mix of my personal stories and experiences and general advice and "you are not alone" type support. Maybe it's working title could be "This Is Not A Self-Help Book!".

As always I'd love to hear your feedback and suggestions!

Have a good weekend.

Love Jen
XxxxX

Ps on the subject of book writing, if you have 5 minutes, please check out my lovely friend Gemma Humphrey's Wattpad entries. She's a great writer and I think her books are going to be really popular. If you are a publisher who has somehow stumbled upon this blog whilst wandering the interwebs then sign her dammit! http://www.wattpad.com/story/9434582-revelation-trinity-book-1

Fave Things Of 2013 - Yes It's An Excuse For Me To Make Lists.....

Anyone who knows me will know I love making lists! There's something oddly satisfying about them. So without further ado here are my lists of 2013! 

*insert appropriate fanfare music*

First of all my favourite subject best music of the year -

1. 30 Seconds To Mars - Do Or Die ( I love this song, it's got great positive lyrics, a fun "wooooah" sing along chorus, who doesn't love a good "woah"? And I love the video especially as there's footage from two of the shows I went to it.....you can all stop rolling your eyes now!)

2. Robin Thicke & Co - Blurred Lines (I hated it the first time I heard it but then it became ridiculously catchy and now I love it, even if the video does scare me a bit)

3. 30 Seconds To Mars - Up In The Air ( I can't sit still to this song, it's totally different to anything they've done before but it works, plus the video features Dita Von Teese and a giant wall of polka dots - what's not to like?)

4. Fallout Boy - The Phoenix (I've always been a big Fallout Boy fan and this song further proves that Patrick Stump has one of the best voices in modern rock)

5. The Ghost Inside - Engine 45 ( I discovered these guys at Download and they were awesome live, fantastic energy and brilliant crowd interaction) 

6. Taylor Swift - I Knew You Were Trouble (guilty pleasure 'nuff said)

7. 30 Seconds To Mars - Conquistador (There's nothing like bouncing through a crowd of 30,000 odd people to this song

Favourite Films -

1. Rush - I was excited about this when I first heard it was being made and it didn't disappoint!

2. The Great Gatsby - where to start? The clothes! The make-up! The glamour! One of my favourite books bought to life by one of my favourite directors.

3. Despicable Me 2 - a really good sequel, altogether now "lipstick taserrrrrrr"

4. Now You See Me - I really enjoyed this, clever plot and a great twist at the end.

5. Thor 2 - Loki is a legend!

Books-

Ok before any of you cry foul these are just my favourite books I've discovered this year and due to being a scatter brain I can't remember half the authors..... I blame the tablets......

1. The number one spot of favourite books I've read in any year will obviously  always be occupied by Gatsby and Alice's Adventures In Wonderland

2. Z - A Novel Of Zelda Fitzgerald - continuing with my 1920s obsession this book told Zelda's story as a novel and worked really well.

3. The Help - Based on a true story of a middle class white girl in the 1950s segregated south who interviewed black servants who "weren't good enough to use the same toilet as white folks but were good enough to bring up their children" 

4. The Shambling Guide To New York City - really funny book about the supernatural subculture of NYC, I can't wait for the follow-up set in New Orleans. 

Whilst I could go on indulging my love of lists all night I will spare you all! I'd love to hear your own favourite music/books/films of the year. Leave a comment below or tweet me @JenRaeFrances

Love Jen

XxxxX

Start As You're Likely To Go On

I guess we'll call it starting as I'm likely to go on. First of all I better 'come out' as saying I don't really 'do' new year. I've had too many horrendous ones consoling Nat or listening to my Ex's family argue. The whole 'forced happiness' thing that lots of people struggle with at Christmas is my bug bear over new year. Of course the last 3 NYE's have been infinitely better as I've stayed in with Helen and my parents and spent it in a far more civilised manner (even if last night Mum did forget the bacon-wrapped sausages *sacriledge*) . 

So along with celebrations the other thing I struggle with is resolutions, I really don't see how you're magically supposed to change just because at midnight it's a new year. It's the same as saying "right today is Monday 23rd March I will magically be able to quit smoking". In the words of Spok it's just not logical! 

I know the theory around resolutions is "in with the new" and self-improvement etc but why not chose any day of the year? If you're gagging to get in touch with your spiritual self then why wait? Get on it as soon as you have the desire and get a head start!

Naturally the award for best set of new years resolutions goes to Bridget Jones with her resolutions to "obviously lose weight", "maintain inner goddess" and "not become involved with commitment phobics, perverts, cheaters or emotional fuckwits". I could sit here now and resolve to lose the 30 odd kilos I've piled back on, give up chocolate and go zen in my bedroom (that'd be a hell of a clear out! Anyone interested in 300 odd CDS, a ton of cuddly toys and a lot of band t-shirts then apply here). 

Every other new year I've promised myself "this is the year I'll get better" and yet now that's not on the cards. I always resolve to give up my cutting habit, I get good patches like I'm in at the moment where it's been just over a month but I know that there will most likely be a situation where a small cut will be far better than an utter meltdown especially if I'm at work or something. 

You know me I hate writing an entirely negative blog, and the truth is that, for me, I'm feeling fairly stable at the moment. Kind of a 60/40 split on happy v depressed. There were aspects of the year that sucked like losing a good friend recently 'cos of my fear of social situations. But obviously 2013 had awesome memories like being side of stage at the O2, bloody arena with Helen or having a fantastic weekend at Download with Gem or my favourite few days of the year my girlie weekend away with Helen and Rach.

I know that 2014 will bring good things just like 2013 did. For example I'm hoping to meet up with Lydia and Hilary, two of my oldest friends from school who I haven't seen for a year due to my social anxieties. Hopefully with baby steps I'll reconnect with more people who I don't see but miss dearly. Admittedly I probably don't have the right to miss them since it was me who broke off contact due to my anxiety problems. 

Plus did I mention I have a new camera to play with? :p

Love Jen

XxxxX