*TRIGGER WARNING for this blog's content about self-harm and suicide*
I can't think of a snappy way to start this blog off so let's go for the cold, hard facts. Last Tuesday I took an overdose.
My mental health has been getting worse and worse since the early months of the year and most bizarrely with no clear trigger. Slowly the things I enjoy have been slipping away, even the recent airshow - normally my 4 favourite days of the year - went past in a fuzz of misery and despair.
Despair seems like a very dramatic word and it's not an emotion I've really felt before (aside from the comical despairing at the dog/bunnies' behaviours) until now. I really wouldn't reccomend trying it at home kids, it's a truly horrid feeling of your emotions and thoughts becoming so desperate you feel like your head will explode with the pressure.
I think what's made the situation harder than other previous low patches (which now seem far more bearable all of a sudden) is that there really has been no trigger or cause. I was really enjoying work, getting stuck in to studying my Wicca, getting plenty of walking in, I'd just lost 4 stone, Esme is still being her grumpy self and Eos has joined the family with her crazy border collie energy. But something just wasn't and isn't right. Until last week I'd barely made it to work for more than 1/2 days a week. Because I was at home all the time the exercise has gone out the window along with the strictness of my diet - I've put around 3 kilos back on since the start of the year. Add to that money worries from the lack of working and it was becoming the perfect storm.
So last Tuesday I'd had a build up of feeling utterly hopeless and miserable. So much so that I'd actually been up the previous night writing a goodbye note to my loved ones 'just in case' it all became too much. The final nail in the coffin was finding out that there was no more work for me meaning that I was now completely financially stuffed.
I left work choking back tears as I made my way to town for my regular counselling appointment. Although rather than my normal pre-session milkshake this time I went for vodka and ibuprofen. I guess I just wanted to black out, to pretend that this wasn't happening, to shut my head up and send my worries packing just for a minute. I didn't manage to knock too much back, my conditioned politeness saved the day as I didn't want to be late for my counselling appointment. The upshot was that I didn't take enough in to need the hospital, in fact the ibuprofen probably saved me an epic neat-vodka induced hangover.
I know that the few people who do read this will have plenty of opinions and that's OK. Suicide is a divisive subject. There are those who will think I am weak and selfish, again that's OK. People will ask why I didn't reach out and the answer is complex; when you're in an extreme moment of pain it's often at inconvenient times - middle of the night or during the working day. Now I've been the recepient of phone calls from a friend in distress so I know how it works from the other side of the coin and frankly I cannot allow myself to hurl that burden of emotion and darkness onto anyone, particularly people I love and care about.
If I'm asked why I didn't say something sooner about how low I'd gotten then the answer to that is equally complex. When you've had a mental illness most of your life like I have it skews your perspective on everything. The thoughts and feelings are part of your everyday meaning a progression can sneak up on you and by then it's too late. I also don't want to be that person constantly moaning with a glass-half-empty outlook. There's only so many times a well-meaning friend can ask you how you are or what's on your mind before you feel like you're treating them as a free counselling service and abusing their kindness. I also still want people to know I'm there for them with their worries and problems, if I'm constantly taking up the time with my issues people aren't going to open up.
If I'm honest right now I feel no better at all, a lot of the time I wish I'd done the job properly and I wouldn't be in this limbo. At the same time I'm having to come to terms with what happened and what might still happen. And it's scary and horrible. Obviously there's a whole lot of guilt too, I've hurt a lot of people around me because of my actions, my parents have cancelled their holiday they were due to go on this weekend to celebrate Mum's retirement. That's a very hard pill to swallow (no pun intended) and it's no-one's fault but my own.
Normally I like to try and end my blogs on a lighter or humorous note but it's not happening today.
Love Jen
XxxX
