The Flipside Of The Coin

When trying to explain to someone my highs and lows it's sometimes really hard to explain the sheer difference in thoughts, feelings, energy etc. However over the last few days I've been going into probably the worst low I've had in quite some time.

Last night, despite going to bed exhausted at 10.30 I was awake until about 2am with my head churning out some pretty horrible thoughts it has to be said. The stupid thing about my brain is that on a good or a 'high' day I can barely remember how my low days or moments feel. Which (pardon the phrase) is completely crazy as I can flip straight from a real low into a high or vice versa at the flick of a switch.

It's in low periods like I've been in the last few days that I'm probably (apologies for sounding dramatic here) the most 'dangerous' to myself. Last night I would have quite honestly done anything to get rid of the misery and horrible, horrible anxiety banging around my brain. I was at the point that I was thinking I didn't want to wake up such was the force of my blackness. Now let me be clear, I'm not suicidal at this moment, but I do worry that I a really low moment like last night I may snap and do something stupid. It's hard to explain to someone not familiar with either depression or the depressive elements of Bipolar, when you are in depression's grip you are so desperate to shut your head up that you are prepared to take extreme action.

Let me also say that whilst I feel 'luckier' to be bipolar, with it's moments\days of being incredibly high and creative, or indeed the 'middle ground' (what I guess to most people would be 'normal') days, waiting for the change in mood really doesn't work when you're terrified that the black won't shift and you'll be stuck in a pit. It's times like this that I'm trying so so so hard not to return to self-harming, I had a ceremonial throwing away of razors hidden under my bed when me and Helen were tidying last weekend, yet I still carry my 'emergency kit' of a couple of razor blades and some plasters in whichever handbag I'm using "just in case". I had to practically pin myself into the mattress and tie myself up in the duvet last night to stop myself reaching for them.

Right now I'm thinking I should see GP and ask about stronger meds etc, but I know by the time I get round to an appointment I will (hopefully) be in a happy mood and my brain will be telling me I made this all up! I'm hoping that this patch of depression and pretty severe anxiety has been bought on by a week of stressful events; an imminent office move (I don't cope well with change), trying to drum up interest in my Rethink fundraising (one week to go eeek), a friend's health, worrying about another friend's home situation and all sorts of little things that've just blown a fuse in my head. I'm supposed to be going to some friends tonight for a Mexican themed party but now I'm just filled with fear even though I've been doing so well with socialising lately.

Love Jen
XxxX

Why 'Happy Pills' Don't Exist - A Response To The Daily Telegraph

I have just come across an article published on The Telegraph website on Sunday entitled"Record Numbers on 'happy pills'"http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/nhs/10775085/Record-numbers-on-happy-pills.html

 

The article centres around the statistic that prescriptions of anti-depressants have risen 25% in the last 3 years. Unfortunately instead of being a good quality balanced look at the issues around the prescription and use of Anti-depressant medication The Telegraph's reporter has used this as an excuse to ridicule those taking these medications and make some awful generalisations. I have included a link to the article so that you can make up your own minds about the report but here in a nutshell are my thoughts.

 

1.The title of the article – referring to Anti-Depressants as "Happy pills" is a ridiculous, old-fashioned and frankly insulting terminology to be using. If there was a pill that made you 'happy' I reckon that most of the world's population would be popping them like Tic Tacs. Anti-Depressants are not "happy pills", they are designed to try and take the edge off of the hideous low mood that is depression so that the sufferer can attempt to lead a normal life. Labelling them 'Happy Pills' not only completely misleads the reader but belittles anyone taking the medication.

 

2. "Experts warned that many Britons were becoming hooked on the drugs and suggested that increasing numbers were turning to medication in the wake of the credit crunch to treat anxiety disorders." Whilst I agree that economic and sociological factors are a factor in the development of mental illnesses we need to be careful in not lumping Depression & Anxiety into the same category. Depression & anxiety can, at times, go hand in hand but are actually two very different conditions. Anxiety covers a wide range of illnesses such as OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), Social Anxiety etc which are completely different to depression. Suggesting that people may become "hooked" on tablets creates fear and the likelihood that people will refuse to take medication that may be the key to helping cure their condition. If I may use myself as an example, if I didn't take my tablets I would be a mess. My tablets control my mood and allow me to hold down a full time job, help me cope with socializing with friends and generally give me a better quality of life. Before I started on my tablets I was riddled with anxiety, didn't go out and was nearly crippled by uncontrollable moods.

3. "But some psychiatrists said too many doctors were "medicalising" everyday sadness, or handing out pills because there were long waiting times to see a counsellor." I would like to know exactly who these expert psychiatrists actually are. Any full trained GP can tell the difference between being a little sad and the persistent low mood that is an early indication of a depressive episode. When I was first prescribed anti-depressants I had to fill out an extensive questionnaire and discuss my symptoms before I was allowed anywhere near medication. Also anti-depressants often come with side-effects such as nausea, sleep disorder, weight loss/gain etc so no GP would prescribe a drug to a patient with these side effects without first being sure that this is what was required. I agree that the waiting times, and availability of counselling services on the NHS are appalling, I waited around 4 months to see a counsellor when I had my first depressive episode and was only offered a limited number of sessions, all my counselling after that was paid for privately by my parents, unfortunately most people are not  lucky enough to be able to afford private services at the cost of nearly £40 an hour. However I found that the medication did take the edge off of my symptoms slightly, which may not seem much but to someone with depression every small relief helps.

4. The article consults Dr Joanna Moncrieff, an author on mental health drugs, and consultant psychiatrist at North East London NHS foundation trust for her views, for the most part I agree with the viewpoint she puts forward apart from her closing statement ""As a society, our dependence on antidepressants makes us less resilient and less resourceful in the face of the everyday challenges of modern living,""Claiming that someone with a mental illness is any less "resourceful" or able to cope with day to day life is a dangerous assertion to make, especially from a professional working for the NHS. In my opinion to continue with your day to day life, whether you work or not, with a mental illness is one of the strongest, most resilient things that a human being can do. I'm sure that Dr Moncrieff wouldn't tell an amputee who is struggling with their life-altering condition that they aren't being resilient enough, what difference is there when someone is affected by the levels of Serotonin in their brain. Both are debilitating physical conditions that affect one's ability to carry out day to day activities.

In the effort to give the impression of balanced journalism Sophie Corlett from the charity Mind has been asked for her comments (that interestingly totally contradict the tone and opinion of the article), however these are tucked away at the bottom of the article. She points out that the rise in prescriptions may be due to people feeling that they can come forward and get help for a condition that was previously brushed under the carpet and ridiculed. Unfortunately articles like this serve to strengthen the stigma around mental health conditions and threaten to discredit the fantastic work that charities such as Mind & Rethink do to enlighten people about conditions such as depression, bipolar, schizophrenia and PTSD. If we are to overcome stigma about mental illness we need the media's help by ensuring their articles are well-researched and stick to the facts, rather than using unhelpful labels and scaremongering tactics in order to create a catchy headline.

 

Love Jen

XxxX

 

Cleaning Out My Closet

Happy late Easter to you all, hope your weekend was chocolate filled! I of course was busy giving the girls extra attention on International Bunny Appreciation Sunday, well that's what they told me the occasion was, hence the requirement for extra treats! I've been scanning some old family photographs and have popped a few on here for a giggle, you will note from the face paint picture that I have always been bunny-obsessed!

 

I also seemed to spend most of the break tidying and cleaning my room, mostly under Helen's supervision. I have 're-homed' 3 bags of cuddly toys to the charity shop along with a large bag of books. I've taken down & moved around various posters and photos on the wall and re-arranged my CD collection (265 to be precise). I'm kind of still waiting for the 'inner peace' that's supposed to come with chucking loads of stuff out but, much like with Eastbourne's bus service, I'm still waiting. I thought it was supposed to be some kind of cathartic revelation, I may write to Trading Standards about this as it has clearly been mis-sold!

 

So today instead of inner peace I've got up from a night full of anxiety-triggered nightmares. I'm really low today and struggling to summon any enthusiasm for anything, let alone concentrate at work. All my thoughts about anything are negative or frustrated, I'm incredibly pessimistic about planning for the fundraising party at the moment. I pretty much know that no-one's going to turn up or be interested in any of the bits I've made to sell to raise money.

 

Another gripe for the day is since when has it been acceptable to comment to someone about how much more attractive they'd look or better they'd feel "If you just lost a bit of weight" and it's not just one person I've heard it from, it's been several! Shockingly enough people I am aware that I am fat! I own a mirror and can see what I look like and I am capable of reading the size labels on my clothes. People seem to think that because I dress how I do that I have skin as thick as my waistline and super-confidence. Let me break it to you, the only reason I wear these clothes is because I like them and have gotten to the stage where I know I look unattractive and fat whatever I'm wearing, however I feel I may as well be fat in pretty clothes! Then there is of course the suggestion that I may consider changing my diet, shock! You mean chocolate makes me fat?! How did I get to this age without learning this vital piece of information! Let me put it like this, chocolate is my one vice that helps me cope with the crap that the world sometimes throws at me. If I didn't eat chocolate I would likely still be self-harming or over-relying on Gin so let's just re-evaluate this, what's more healthy Twirl Bites or drunken cutting?

 

I've had years of my unattractiveness being drummed into me and I don't need reminding ta.

 

Love (a rather grumpy) Jen

XxxX

Insert Smiley Face

I've realised that today is almost exactly 6 months since I started taking the Lamotrigine tablets and (apologies for the cliché) wow what a difference. When I compare how I am now to how I was before it seems almost impossible how much has changed.

 

When I was still on the anti-depressents life in general was either black or white, really good or really bad. There was almost no in-between or middle ground. I was being exhausted by moods that flipped from rock bottom to sky high and almost crippled by constant anxiety. I was incredibly low despite the high moods that I had and couldn't honestly ever picture feeling better or really achieving anything in life because whatever I tried to do my head got in the way.

 

Now, only 6 months later, it's an entirely different picture. The new tablets have worked wonders, my mood has impoved unimagineably. The low moments aren't nearly as severe, I still get the highs but not the crazyness where my mind was leaping from one thing to the next, racing at 100 miles an hour and then tipping over into extreme anxiety. I still wake up very low each moring, I don't know if maybe I have to start physically moving for the tablets I've taken the night before to fully take effect. It takes about an hour and a half/2 hours before my mood lifts. My only other complaint about the tablets is that they do leave me absolutely exhausted, I have to take them at night because of their sedative effect but I still need a sleep as soon as I get home from work to have any chance of a productive evening.

 

The tablets have allowed me the headspace to carry on with my creative pursuits with more energy and focus than before. Whether it's making jewellery or sewing or taking myself off for a walk to take photos. They've given me to confidence to make contact with old friends I lost when I was unwell and couldn't entertain the idea of going out and socialising. I also hope they've made me a nicer person to be around, someone who is more enthusiatic and positive and generally better company.

 

I think the biggest thing for me is that I can say that I'm happy. Once the low mood has shifted in the morning I generally am in a good mood for the day. I've been feeling good for a few months now and I was scared to confess that I was in case I somehow jinxed it. But I am happy, I feel positive about life for the first time in a long while and more importantly equipped to deal with challenges and hurdles that life may throw at me without melting down.

 

*Insert smiley face*

 

Love Jen

XxxxX

Exciting Times!

I'm fully into the party planning swing now, which for everyone around me means such exciting conversation as "what fabric should I use to make the prize bag for the raffle?"  sory about that guys! It also means that finding a cork board from which to hang jewellery is the MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD EVER. It always happens when I've planning things like this, It's one of the few things that brings out the perfectionist in me, I want every little detail to be perfect and for the event to be unique and memorable.

 

I actually really love planning parties and events, making party favours (it's true dedication when you've filled your bedroom with 30 odd union jack flags with sweeties stuck to them that you're giving out as favours for your 25^th birthday party), drawing invitations, making decorations I love it. The danger is that I get overwhelmed by all the details and the To Do Lists (you know I love a good list!) and have a minor freak out on the morning of the party. Luckily I have my esteemed work colleague Sophie who is helping me out by organising the quiz questions, if anyone else is able to help by making cakes or little snacks for the tea party that would be brilliant (obviously I won't be looking for donations from you if you've made something).

 

I had an e-mail from Rethink who will be sending me some postcards and information leaftlets for me to put out so that people know where the money we raise is going. I think the important thing will be to strike a balance between guests knowing what we're raising money for but not feeling that they have to sit and discuss mental health at great length as, let's face it, it's still a difficult subject.

 

The party is made more special in that this time last year I could never have entertained the idea of putting myself out there to raise cash or even hold an event with  more than about 4 people in attendance! It's a celebration of how well I'm doing *insert self-congratulatory pat on the back* but also a thank you to the people who have helped me get to this stage when frankly I never thought I'd be able to do this ever again.

 

Of course I am happy to receive all suggestions on where I may source a cork board …….

 

Love Jen

XxxX

Raising Money For Rethink!

The date is set! On Saturday 3rd May I'll be hosting a tea party and hoping that friends and family will be joining me to have a cuppa and cake in aid of Rethink Mental Illness. In the evening I will be hosting a quiz night too.

I'm really hoping that lots of people will support me in this endeavour, Rethink do such a fantastic job in providing information and support to people suffering mental health problems and their families. I've waxed lyrical in previous blogs about how important support for people with mental illness is and I hope that by doing this I can make a small difference to someone who doesn't have the support from family and friends that I do.

Along with the tea party and quiz I'm going to sell raffle tickets at work and also create a jewellery range for my Folksy store with all the money going to Rethink. The shop can be found here-http://folksy.com/shops/jenraefrances . I'll be adding a few more bits over the next week or so, here's a little preview-

I have also created a Just Giving website for anyone who can't come to the party or who lives too far afield http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/fundraiser-web/fundraiser/showFundraiserProfilePage.action?userUrl=teaclub&isTeam=true 

To find out more about Rethink and how any money I raise will help please visit their website http://www.rethink.org/home

Love Jen

XxxX

In Search Of A Bipolar Fairy Godmother

It's probably not best to ask me to help plan stuff, what seems like an amazing idea one day, that I pursue and obsess over with unbridled energy the next day is a stupid idea that's doomed to failure and quite frankly too much effort. 

I guess this is another, helpful, Bipolar thing (or perhaps just me I don't know, sometimes I wish I had some kind of Bipolar fairy godmother who could answer my questions!). 

At the start of the week I was super excited and energised planning ideas for a tea party and quiz night to raise money for Rethink. I was out 3/5 evenings this week just gone, I saw Captain America with Helen on Tuesday, had the first BBQ Of the year with Luke, Barry, Hilary, Lydia & James on Wednesday and on Thursday went to a Deep Purple/Led Zeppelin tribute band with Mum and Dad (yes I was the youngest person there!). Which I think for me was pretty damn good going, I only had one or two "waaaaa" panics. 

But since yesterday I've been completely drained out and unenthusiastic about planning this party and in fact most things in general. All I've wanted to do is sleep, I cut short meeting a friend for a cup of tea in town yesterday just because I felt so 'meh'. I feel super-guilty having enthused on here and on Facebook and Twitter about my amazing plans to raise money and now having second thoughts before it's even gotten off the ground. I remember a cartoon I saw once of a 'Bi-Polar Bear' in one square inviting all his friends to his amazing Christmas party, the next square has him hiding in bed with a large sign saying "Fuck off" on the front door. It made me chuckle but it is sadly a reality for me. 

I know compared to lows I used to have this is nothing. In a really weird way because I'm not getting the big ups and downs 'cos the medication is working I sometimes wonder if there's actually something wrong with me at all. It's so hard to explain- since I'm acting and feeling 'normal' does that make me un-ill? It's really confusing to be honest. I've read through so many accounts of other people the same as me who've finally been prescribed the correct meds who sing the praises of their life getting back on track. I've yet to find anyone else who feels this uneasy, wondering if their mind is playing a trick on them. Maybe it's because I've been not right for so long that is normal for me. 

I realise I must sound incredibly ungrateful! But I am grateful that my moods are more stable, with far smaller peaks and troughs. I just wish sometimes that I had someone else going through or has gone through the same experiences as me that I can check it out with. ‎I think sometimes what I need is someone to just tell me to get on with it and ignore my pouting and protests. According to a book I'm reading at the moment I should be bringing order to my life, to be honest at this moment in time I'm plotting where the author can stick his order......

Love Jen

XxxX