Stressed, Depressed but Well Dressed?

I found this tablet cover when I was in Brighton yesterday initially it made me a little cross that two serious mental health issues were being used as a fashion statement. But then I realised that they are statements that (hopefully) apply to me.

My personal style (if you can call it that) varies from day to day as I've described in a previous blog. I tend to try to still have fun with clothes and make up even when I'm feeling really low as it gives me something to hang on to and it's a small, daily victory against depression. If my depression had it's way I'd be in jeans and a hoodie everyday, which is fine by me but I do like to try and dress up a wee bit for work.

I've always liked to look a bit different to everyone else, it's hang-over from being called a freak at school, I thought "you think I'm a freak now? Watch this ..." Nowadays I also have to tackle the hurdle that a lot of nice clothes aren't made for people over a size 14.

Thank god in this case for www.collectif.com & www.lindybop.com who both make gorgeous vintage inspired pieces that go up to sensible sizes. I would embrace my goth side far more often but disappointingly most gothic clothing manufacturers consider a 14 XXL and refuse to make anything bigger, which is a shame as I adore beautiful, Victorian style gothic clothes.

Today in my F-you to depression I'm wearing a black and white rose print 1950s style skirt, a white lace top, a black & white Chanel-style cardie that I found in Primark last winter (yes I know I'm probably going to hell for shopping there but a girls gotta do ...). I've topped the look off with some silver bracelets I've made and a large fake emerald necklace (still having an Oz moment).

So whilst I am stressed & depressed I still like to think I'm pretty well dressed .......

Love Jen

XxxX
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To CBT or Not CBT

A friend of mine who also has depression has been under the care of our local Health In Mind service and has this week been discharged because "CBT isn't working for you".

CBT or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy in simple terms works on the basis of challenging depressive or anxious thoughts (more info here http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Cognitive-behavioural-therapy/Pages/Introduction.aspx) and seems to be the preferred way of working for most counsellors I've encountered. Whilst I am in no way attempting to discredit it as a therapy for other people (other friends of mine have had their lives turned around by it) I am uncomfortable that the theraputic world seems to be using it as a be all or end all of treatments.

When I was trying to access help from Health In Mind last year I too found that the counsellor assigned to me for a series of telephone sessions was only interested in using CBT and nothing else. Unfortunately I found the whole service incredibly poor and was quickly 'forgotten' with the telephone sessions ceasing for no reason and no follow up offered.

My personal experience (and I stress that this is my experience only and I thoroughly recommend that everyone tries CBT if it is offered to them as it may well work for you) with CBT is that despite many attempts over the years to engage with it, it simply isn't for me. I understand the theory of it, I understand how and why it should work. Unfortunately my depression overrides my attempts to challenge the negative thoughts it produces.

An example is as follows - I have long held the theory that I curse loved ones with ill-fate and bring them bad luck (e.g today a cash machine that a close friend tried to use malfunctioned and didn't dispense the money and now there's the worry that her card details may have been cloned and this all happened because I was there. Another example is 3 weeks after getting together with my now ex boyfriend his father passed away, this was the first time my curse struck). Now CBT would tell me to challenge this thought with logic but unfortunately my depression says "Hang on, I can give you at least 10 examples of you cursing people, it's your fault". This also applies to odd phobias I have about sitting in certain parts of my garden or eating pasta bake (really don't ask!).

I had an appointment with an Occupational Health person through work a few months ago to try and help my depression & anxiety and she tried to sell me CBT. I explained to her my previous experience with CBT and that it really hadn't worked for me, her suggestion was that I was not at a level of recovery where I could challenge my depression and left it at that. I'm lucky enough to have an excellent counsellor now who I pay for privately (No the NHS won't fund my treatment but that's another argument for another blog). But it does lead me to wonder what happens to others like me who can't work with CBT and are just dropped from the system as we don't fit with their treatment plan?

There are so many other therapy and treatment options out there but we aren't being given the opportunity to explore them. You have to search and search for alternatives. Surely something as personal as mental health should be approached on a patient by patient basis not a push into a therapy that doesn't work for them and then dropped like a stone. I'd really like to see other options being explained and discussed at the first consultation before the patient's current problems are explored so the already sensitive and unhappy person knows that they have other options should one not work out.

What do you all think? Have you have certain therapies that have or haven't worked?

Love Jen

XxxX

In Defence Of Twitter

It's fair to say that Twitter & Facebook are getting a bit of a bashing at the moment. Every day there are stories in the media about trolling & abuse and the general evils of social media.

Whilst the media is quite right to report on the problems of social media and to point people in the direction of help and support, I feel that someone should give Twitter et all a bit of backing.

Firstly it's not the sites themselves but the people using them that are the problem. Sadly the internet has made it far easier for the dregs of society to put their energy into hurting others and making them miserable. As a victim of cyber bulling myself I am not in any way dismissing the trolling activities that go on. My 'troll' (for want of a better description) even set up a dedicated account purely to tweet hateful comments at me and me alone. I guess I should have been honoured, not everyone gets their own personal stalking troll! But it is incredibly hard to know that out in cyberspace is someone who's sole aim is to make you miserable.

However on the flip side during that particular experience the support I received from other friends on Twitter and on Facebook where I posted screenshots of the abuse (Bullies rely on your silence …. I'm not a particularly silent person as you may have noticed) was amazing. Even to the extent of people tweeting the troll on my behalf telling him/her/it to leave me alone. I ended up closing the account that I received the abuse on and setting up the one I now waffle at you from as a fresh start.

I have both a Facebook & a Twitter account but I'm definitely more of a Twitter girl. I post photos and the occasional (obviously incredibly witty) status on Facebook but that's about it, I don't really get all the games and apps on there now. However when most of my friends were at Uni Facebook & Myspace were a great way to keep in touch and up to date with what was happening.

I like Twitter as it's instant and (on the whole) fun and I've had accounts since early 2009. Some people take it far too seriously but if you're tweeting with a sense of humour you should be ok. Twitter has proved a fantastic tool for communication around the world, look at the Arab Uprising in 2011 that was nicknamed the 'Twitter Revolution' whether you agree with the views or actions of the protestors you have to admit it was amazing that people were able to share in a way impossible a few short years ago.

For me it's also a brilliant way to keep up to date with bands or musicians I like (or indeed the unintentionally hilarious Zak Bagans from Ghost Adventures – seriously check out @Zak_Bagans for some light entertainment). I feel lucky as my favourite bands take time to chat to their fans on Twitter and it's a massive buzz when you get a reply from your favourite band or they tell you that they like a piece of art you've created inspired by them.

The best experience I've gained from social media though is the friends I've made. If it wasn't for both me and Helen being 'tagged' in the same photo of a 30 Seconds To Mars sticker that a mutual friend spotted on holiday (and subsequently taken over the comments chatting) we'd never have met. I can genuinely say that imagining life without her now terrifies me. She's the big sister I've always wanted and has supported me through so much. But without that photo we'd never have chatted and met up. I've met other wonderful people through Bunny Worship on twitter (yes my girls do have an account @EstelleEsme) there's Kay who is a beautiful, inspirational lady. Tiffany minion to the mighty @GenBunnyparte who is also now mine & Helen's penpal, Maddie with her gorgeous fur (and feather) babies and so many others who make me smile on a daily basis.

Love Jen

XxxxX

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Rain Clouds

When I started this blog I promised myself that it wouldn't be an endless list of posts moaning about my condition and "woe is me". I wanted to acknowledge that yes, I have really crap days but that there can be moments of light and fun.

I debated about whether to blog about how I feel today or not but then I thought that in order to give an honest reflection of living with mental illness I need to document the dark and the light days.

I have a few ideas over what has led me to be having a low day today, I interviewed for a job that I didn't get yesterday and whilst I'm really happy that my colleague got the position as she will do really well it has knocked my confidence and made me doubt my abilities. It's allowed the negative thought processes to seep in and hiss unhelpful comments such as "You're useless at the job you're doing at the moment, who the hell would promote you?". Even though the feedback I got from the interview was really positive unfortunately depression over-rides logic (Sorry Spock).

I'm also on a low because now Airbourne is over I see summer as being over. I really dislike Autumn and I detest winter. All the things I enjoy happen in the summer such as airshows, festivals, evening walks, sitting outside with the bunnies, BBQs, garden parties etc. Whereas all winter serves up is rubbish weather and dull, dark days. I think I struggle at this time of year with Autumn coming as Autumn always signals the start of school. Whilst I thankfully haven't been in that position for 10 years now I still suffer the dreads at this time of year of pretty much returning to hell after 6 weeks of heavenly freedom.

I'm trying very hard to focus on things that I have planned to cheer me up – this weekend I'm off to London with Helen for a few days which'll be great! And of course means you lucky people will get some more 'Jenni's Top Travel Tips' (please try and contain your excitement).

Hopefully like rain clouds my mood'll shift and move along over the day, seeing Helen tonight will certainly help as it always does – she knows how to insult, I mean cheer, me out of a bad mood :p

Love Jen

XxxxX
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What's My Age Again?

Blink 182 asked back in 2000, at the time it was just a catchy song from the pop punk genre I was discovering (with the help of German MTV but that's a whole different story) but now the song has a more profound point.

It all started with an advert on TV yesterday for the new "Teenage Dirtbags" compilation album featuring Wheatus, Sum41, Blink 182 and loads more from the early noughties pop punk explosion. Leading me to exclaim "That's my youth!" ... "Woah there hold up" my brain shouted "You are still young". Sadly logic took over when I realised most of the featured songs were over a decade (some almost 15 years) old.

My brain then went into a meltdown of realisation that I've moved up from the 18-25 age bracket and am steaming towards 30. And to bombard you with cliches it has all happened in a flash. I realised that most of me is, let's face it still a teenager. My body may be doing all sorts of odd things at the moment (yes I have the guts of a 60 year old .... Hope you're all enjoying your tea) but mentally I'm still 17 sometimes.

I think the problem may be that I first got sick a few months after I turned 18 which froze some parts of my brain. I still leap around excitedly if I hear songs I like, my bedroom walls are still plastered with photographs & the odd poster, and yes my wardrobe door is covered in tickets from nearly every gig or festival I've ever been to. I still hang onto childish hopes that everything'll turn out ok in the end and that I'll suddenly become better.

Then there's the fact that my brain will often go into 'scared kid' mode, a hangover from Secondary School that leaves me paranoid about what people are saying about and think of me. Despite now (and then) proclaiming that I don't want to be like everyone else, I'm an individual (que Monty Python-esque crowd scene) etc etc there is still a small part of me that wonders if life would be simpler if I just fitted in.

The benefit of being older comes into play here, for all my lack of self-esteem I am definitely more comfortable with 'me'. To me it's ok that some days I want to dress in a 1940s style tea dress and red lippie and the next day relive the 2007/2008 Emo culture (god I loved the music then) hello eyeliner and MCR (miss you!). Nowadays it's not a mortal sin to love both Metallica and dance around to pop music like Lady GaGa (so excited for the new album!)

The irony is that at work I'm often mistaken for being older than 26. I sometimes think that depression has made other parts of my brain grow old faster, it has made me cynical and suspicious. My anxiety demands that I worry about every little detail and predict worse case scenarios and how to deal with/prevent them. This does lead to a lot of mother-hen-ing of loved ones which I'm trying to work on (yes I'm even trying to dismantle the infamous 'Worry List').

So I'm going to use the few threads of useful optimism I've been left to work on getting better and being happy. Which may not be my college-era dreams of working in the music industry and looking good in skinny jean and cool in Converse but you know what, so long as I get to go to a few gigs a year and leap around like a loon, laugh uncontrollably over stupid things (hello duck conversation with Helen ... Don't ask ... Really don't!) and rock my Doc Martens and feel healthy and content then I'm good ta.

So all that's left really is to ask "Listen to Iron Maiden maybe with me?"

Xx Jen xX
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Airbourne Day 1

The flying was affected by a lot of low cloud today which meant the BBMF only managed one pass -

Looking stunning as ever!

I have GOT to get me one of these!

Beautiful, beautiful Spitfire

The F-16 got my award for "Best Display Music Ever" they played 30 Seconds To Mars "Closer To The Edge" whilst it was flying! Then followed it with the Top Gun theme!

The mighty reds













There are loads more photos on my Flickr account and Facebook and I'll tweet out a few more piccies later.

Love Jen

xxxxx

Drawing Inspiration

I'm teaching myself to draw again as I find it really relaxing and it quiets my mind.

I always like drawing gothic themed pictures but today I tried something a bit steampunk themed for the first time and I'm really pleased with the results.

Xx Jen xX
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I Feel The Need, The Need For Speed

Warning! This blog contains high-levels of plane geekery. Viewer discretion is advised. 

It's at this time of year that I get super-excited as it's Eastbourne's annual 4 day airshow Airbourne.

 yay!

I was raised on the classic 1986 movie Top Gun (still my favourite film)

 Yes I can quote the entire film.

I was taken to my first 'proper' airshow at 10 when we went to the (now sadly defunct) Biggin Hill Air Fair. I fell in love instantly and the rest as they say is history. 

I love anything to do with planes, modern fighter jets, warbirds, I've even been known to hang out of the train door at Gatwick Airport taking photos of planes & frequently squeaked with excitement in London back in May everytime I saw the Airbus A380 (sorry Helen). 

Having a 4 day (or 5 day if you count the day before when aircraft will often do some practice passes along the seafront) airshow in my hometown is obviously super-exciting for me. Airbourne is the highlight of my year every year and looking foward to it has gotten me through some really tough times over the years.

During the last few years I've been able to combine my plane geekery with my interest in photography. Below are some photos I've taken at Airbourne over the years. 

Airbourne 2008 (taken with 6MP camera)

 I always like to try and get Eastbourne's landmarks in my photos like this one of the Eurofighter Typhoon and the pier. 

 The Red Arrows are always incredibly popular

 The Dutch Airforce put on a Search & Rescue display

Airbourne 2009 (Taken with 8MP Camera)

Slightly less than flattering photo of me in action ...........

The Reds always make me proud to be British

The sun glinting off the Battle Of Britain Memorial Flight (BBMF) Avro Lancaster

The Lancaster with her BBMF siblings the Hurricane & Spitfire. I always get choked up during their display thinking of 'The Few'

Airbourne 2010 (Taken with 10MP Camera)

With a better camera I was finally able to get some decent photos of the Red Arrows. 

Airbourne 2011 (Taken with 14MP Camera)

By Airbourne 2011 I'd finally gotten a decent camera with good zoom my Fuji Mini SLR (aka my baby) and the results were great!

The first day of the show was a slight disaster with low cloud and only these Royal Navy Black Cat Lynxes able to fly. 

The weather cleared the next day for loads of great planes such as the Lancaster. 

I always really enjoy The Blades!

The F-86 Sabre is a gorgeous example of early USA jet manufacturing.

Is this not the best paint job you've ever seen? This is Miss Demeanour. 

My all time favorite plane the Tornado GR4

I'm still really chuffed with this photo of an  F-16 2 years later ......

Airbourne 2012 (Taken with 14MP Camera)

 Is there a more beautiful sight than a Spitfire performing a victory roll?

 

 Much to my delight the Tornado was back again!

 The Red Bull Matadors' paintwork looked great in the sunshine

Most importantly for Airbourne 2012 was the first ever appearance of Vulcan XH558, I have to admit to having a tear in my eye as she fly along my home seafront after all the work the supporters & donators (myself included) have done to keep her flying. She was absolutely stunning. 

Oh and in case you were wondering of COURSE I have a list of my favorite ever planes ........

1. Panavia Tornado (F3 & GR4)
2. Avro Vulcan
3. Supermarine Spitfire
4. Hawker Siddley Harrier
5. Avro Lancaster
6. Grumman F-14 Tomcat
7. SR71 Blackbird
8. P51 Mustang
9. Airbus A380
10. De Havilland Sea Vixen

Love Jen
XxX

A Saturday Afternoon In The Park

Today I've spent the afternoon in Hampden Park cheering on a friend Jenny's dog Molly in a dog competition.

 Miss Molly

Obviously this provided me with plenty of squee material of all shapes and sizes -

I also took the opportunity to have a wander around the lake and take a few piccies -

 Here come the girls

 Possibly the world's posiest duck!

I also carried on with my current obsession of photography bees -

 How cute is this baby Moorhen?

Love Jen

XXXX

A Bit Of Saturday Hat Modelling!

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Short Morning Blog

Today is one of the days when my mood has dipped along with my energy levels. This morning I could barely keep my eyes open, let alone move to get up and get the bunnies sorted (trust me late breakfast to Estelle & Esme is a fate worse than death - bunny disapproval).

Whilst I am trying to keep this blog positive as is my intention to show that although depression and anxiety are all-consuming you can fight your way through them.

So today is shaping up to be one of those days where I'm anxious & paranoid. My paranoia is about whether my loved ones are ok, poor Helen bears the brunt of this. I'm having to re-tech my brain that someone telling me "I'm ok" isn't some kind of subliminal message of not being ok, it means just that, they're ok!

Positive things to look foward to today is my regular Saturday meeting Helen on her lunch hour, which will involve copious amounts of tea and possibly some cake. Then me and Mum are off to see a friend's dog compete in a show later on - plenty of squeeing at fluffs opportunities I feel!

Have a good day everyone

XxJenxX
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Blimey I think I'll become a TV critic!

Another evening, another TV programme that's gotten my brain whirring. I caught Channel 4's "Legally High" exploring the manufacture of the so-called Legal Highs popular in the UK at the moment.

As well as showing the stories of the teenagers taking them and highlighting the obvious dangers it also showed how the drugs are designed and the process they go through of manufacturing and distribution. The case that really shocked me was of 21 year old Baxter who kept a tick list of the drugs he'd taken over the years in the same manner I used to tick of birds in the Eye-Spy books as a kid! By the end of the programme Baxter had ingested over 61 different varieties of drug and was addicted to heroin.

Interviewed on the programme was Dr Z a chemist who invented M-Cat popular in the UK a few years ago and implicated in the deaths of teenagers. He is constantly working on new chemical combinations and with his scientific knowledge can pinpoint the exact parts of the brain that his substances will affect and what that effect will be. He was also quick to point out that he doesn't seek to make profits from his work (he only makes "Thousands" whereas his distributor makes "millions") and that his aim is to make recreational drugs more "democratic".

This lead me to wonder why a gentleman as evidently scientifically brilliant as Dr Z can't be persuaded to turn his knowledge and talent to drugs that may improve the brain's wellbeing? Think about it, he can design a drug in a matter of days that affects the brain's chemical processes so why can't he design drugs to combat depression, anxiety, bi-polar, OCD and so many more.

With him (and I'm sure there are other "Drs" out there like him) working purely on the drugs' structure and effects he can, for want of a better phrase, churn them out by the dozen ready for them to be tested by the medical profession. Whilst I know that all medical drugs must, quite rightly, go through extremely stringent safety tests that can take years at least the design element of the process could be sped up.

And it needn't stop there, imagine if employing these chemists could find cures for Cancer, HIV & AIDs. How many lives could be saved? Surely that would be pinnacle of drug democracy?

Xx Jen xX

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"You're A Writer"

Those 3 words that my counselor said yesterday have kickstarted a multitude of ideas and thoughts.

To backtrack a little I showed her my entry for the Elle writing competition (See the post here) about rebelling against my depression & anxiety in order to try and live a normal life. At the time I didn't think too much about the statement but now I'm really excited.

I want to write more and more, trouble is I just don't know what. I would love to write a book like my friend Gemma is in the process of doing (from what I've read so far it's awesome) but despite loving reading I really don't have any original ideas.

Ditto with this blog, I really love posting but sometimes I've just run out of things to say and I really don't want this blog to turn into a depressing "woe is me" series when I can't think of anything new. The whole idea of these pages is to demonstrate that you can live your life even if you have depression/anxiety or other conditions.

So if anyone does have any ideas or wants to challenge me to write on a subject then comment here or tweet me @JenRaeFrances.

XX Jen XX

Inside My Mind - BBC3

Second blog of the day you lucky people!

This evening I tuned into BBC3's "Inside My Mind" which was part of the mental health season they're currently running.

The programme covered mental health disorders such as Schizophrenia, OCD, BiPolar, Social Anxiety & Anorexia and showed what the mind does to the sufferers of these disorders.

Whilst I was a little disappointed that my "common or garden" depression wasn't covered I found the programme fascinating. It showed us what parts of the brain can affect or cause different problems.

What I liked about the programme was that it showed that mental illness is a physical illness and not something that people can *snap out of* or that they can put on or exaggerate.

It also showed research going into the genealogy around mental illness and also treatments. For example there is currently a trial going on at Kings College Hospital in London around firing electromagnetic particles into the brain to help treat Anorexia.

I really hope the season that the BBC is currently running helps to promote mental health and continue to fight the stigma attached to it. I'm also hoping that the pioneering treatments carry on so that we may not have to be reliant on tablets that (in my case) are often side effect heavy and don't always work particularly well.

Fingers crossed!

Xx Jen xX
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The Truth About Bullying

With the storm currently surrounding the disgusting abuse being hurled at various women in the public eye via Twitter and recent reports of the sickening trolling of teenagers driven to suicide lead me to think about my own experiences of bullying.

Having been picked on at Primary School, bullied all 5 years of Secondary School, suffered bullying in a previous workplace and been the victim of Twitter abuse I like to consider myself fairly well placed to speak on the subject, Perhaps a future Mastermind subject? "Jenni you have 60 seconds to answer questions on your specialist subject Bullying", but I digress.

Sadly bullying blights the life of many people and it's not just kids. In the age of social media "Adult bullying" for want of a better term is on the rise. People are finding it more acceptable to harass and insult each other across all sorts of mediums. Whilst the media focuses on the extreme examples and their tragic consequences I'd like to tell my own story.

I've never been popular, I've always been a self-confessed geek. When I was at primary school although I was picked on, called fat and stupid – the normal stuff, it was bearable. Secondary school was a whole different story. The saddest thing is that I consider my case to be one of the lesser cases of bullying that I witnessed in my year group I was lucky only to have been physically bullied on a small number of occasions including being shot with a BB gun (first person shooter games aren't so fun when you're the target). However the old saying that "Sticks & stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me" is woefully untrue, imagine 5 years of your life where you are being reminded daily that you are ugly, fat, weird and a freak. Add to this regular teenage angst and you have a recipe for a mental health disaster (or of course a really good Emo-rock album). Imagine if you will sitting at the front of a classroom with all manner of items being thrown at you whilst the teacher stands back and watches then pulls you aside at the end of the lesson and tells you "Don't isolate yourself from the tutor group", erm thanks I'll bear that in mind next time I duck the pencil sharpener.

Oddly my depression & anxiety, although directly connected to the bullying, didn't come on until after college. I think that because I had the most amazing time at college with the friends that I did have from school it wiped away the memories and insecurities for two glorious years. It was when this was over that the memories and feelings returned and mutated into serious mental illness. 

The media concentrate on the immediate after effects of bullying but the truth is the effects reach further than you can imagine. I left school 10 years ago, an entire decade. Yet even after 7 years of being on medication and going through various counselling and talking therapies I can still feel like that isolated 13 year old with everyone laughing at her. I'm paranoid that my hair is greasy after comments made over 12 years ago.

I'm not trying to write a "Woe is me" blog as many people I have the pleasure to talk to here and on Twitter (I'm @JenRaeFrances if you're interested) have come through far worse experiences and I have so much respect for their strength and resilience. However I really think there is an argument for exploring the long-term effects of bullying long after school is over, if someone was to explain, frankly and openly how much the actions of others have affected them down the line would that make kids (or even adults) stop and think how they treat people? If even one bully was stopped in their tracks as a result of being shown the damage they are doing then that's one less person suffering now and potentially in the future. Of course if the government were to think about this it could be pointed out to them that if they were to introduce robust legislation against bullying and toughen up on the woeful anti-bullying policies in schools like mine then in the future services such as the NHS could be saved millions in prescriptions for anti-depressants and counselling services.

If you are reading this and are being bullied, then first of all *Massive hugs*, secondly well done on being brave and coping every day. At the risk of sounding like a cliché it will get better, in little ways you will be able to fight back, maybe not whilst you are at school but in the future you will have brief moments when you look back and think "Ha if you could see me now" (yes one of mine was when Jared Leto of 30 Seconds To Mars told me I was cool). One of the ways I fought back was by taking pride in being a "freak", it gave me freedom to be myself and have friends who accepted me for me rather than someone trying to fit in with the in-crowd.

So remember, no matter who you are, whether you're 5, 15, 25 or 105 then you are better than the bullies. It will get better. If I can survive it then so can you. Good luck!

Lots of Love

Jen

Xxxxxx

Ps Remember if you are being bullied there is lots of support out there from charities such as

http://www.bullying.co.uk/

http://nationalbullyinghelpline.co.uk/ (this one also covers bullying in the workplace)

Childline & The NSPCC also have really good resources
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In Which I Enter A Competition

I've taken the plunge and entered a writing competition!

Elle magazine is running a competition and has asked people to submit a 500 word piece entitled "My Rebellion".

I thought you guys might like a looksie .......

My Rebellion

By Jenni Richardson

Who doesn't secretly want to be a rebel? To shock, to appal and to live a life without rules?  This Autumn's catwalks are celebrating all things rebellious with Versace's 'Vunk' & YSL's tartan tribute giving a nod (Pogo?) to the punk movement and 90s Gen-X grunge.

When Elle asked readers to submit a piece entitled "My Rebellion" my mind began whirring as to all the possibilities of what I could write, too young to remember grunge and far too early to have partaken in punk I felt left out by my generation's comfort and lack of reasons to rebel. 

Then I realised, I am a rebel, I have rebelled every single day for the last six years. My rebellion is not in your face or shocking, most people would never even notice it. My rebellion is against my twin nemesis' depression & anxiety.

In Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland Alice's remembers her father's advice to "Think of as many as seven impossible things before breakfast", after a small calculation I've worked out that I commit 4 pretty major acts of rebellion before 9am each day.

Challenge #1 is to drag myself out of bed, depression exhausts me and tells me I need to sleep and cannot possibly cope with a full day at work. After crawling out of bed comes Challenge #2 making myself look presentable. A kind side effect of my anti-depressant medication is the huge increase in appetite and ability to put on weight by standing with in 10 foot of food. Thanks to this I have a little more of me to dress than style would dictate which makes sartorial decisions doubly difficult. This coupled with my depression chanting that I shouldn't bother dressing nicely as I'll look like a wilder beast is not the most helpful of combinations.

Challenge #3 is the big one, venturing "out there". Anxiety plays her hand here, Depression is sneaky and sly whereas Anxiety gets her point across loudly and by squeezing my insides and drumming on my brain. She wants me to stay inside and hide. Having hurdled #3 it's a short leap to Challenge #4 interacting with people in the office. On a day when I'm very down the thought of talking to people or answering the phone seems nigh on impossible but I grit my teeth and do it, ignoring depression trying to smother my thoughts and actions. Besides the daily challenges I occasionally really stretch myself, like marching myself alone to London to watch my favourite band play a flash-mob gig (Pretty rock n roll huh?).

So whilst I may not quite be your typical non-conformist I reckon I can rebel with the best of them. Now excuse me, I'm off to play my worn copy of Nevermind ……loudly!
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Meet Bunneh McFluff!

The first cuddly toy I've made and I'm actually really pleased with how he's come out.

Obviously I'm now plotting an entire army of bunnies in different felts & fabrics!

*MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA*
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