The general consensus is that after a loved one’s funeral life goes back to normal, you’re suddenly ‘over it’ and ready to function once more.
Let me assure you that this is pure bollocks. If anything the act of burying Kay makes her seem all that further away. I talk out loud to her all the time (eliciting some odd looks when I’m walking around in public muttering to myself) in the hope that she can hear me. I had to take all my photos down of the two of us together as looking at them is just too painful, my photo wall now resembles a missing man formation, which in my plane geekery seems appropriate.
She’s given some of us signs that she’s still around. I’ve not been lucky enough so far, and I’m worried that the meds I’m on are somehow blocking her out. Stopping them isn’t an option and I feel awful that she might be trying to talk to me but can’t make it through the medication barrier. I’m hoping that instead she’s been visiting the buns and checking that I’m not starving them of treats!
Life just doesn’t seem worth the effort. Why bother going out when I can spend the days asleep escaping from the pain? I had to force make-up onto my face this morning for the first time in almost two weeks, it feels fake and clownish. All my non-PJ clothes just feel uncomfortable. I don’t want to leave the house, it just makes me so anxious, just walking down to the hutch yesterday morning ended with me panicked and in tears – much to the girl’s disgust on their 8th ‘gotcha day’ (the day they came to live with me). I’m not looking forward to anything I have planned, not seeing Green Day next month or even achieving my dream that I’ve had since I was a kid of going to the Royal International Air Tattoo in July. I’d tried to kid myself that I could plan and look forward to stuff buy starting to plan a 30th birthday party but I’m fooling no-one least of all myself.
I’m at work today and to be honest I’d probably have been far better off still being asleep, I’m all over the place forgetting things I’ve been told 2 minutes before, leaving stuff everywhere and forgetting what I was doing, more of a hindrance than a help today.
God I miss her
Love Jen
XxxX
