Autumn Blues

 September is here and with it brings my annual Autumn and Winter sadness. Not content with being the bane of my life all year round my mental illness likes to pop dark half of the year struggles as a cherry on top.

Obviously my struggles with this time of year go way back, even as a kid I remember feeling sad when the days shortened and the temperature dropped along with the leaves. Most people love Autumn and it's colours and seasonal drinks (pumpkin spiced white hot chocolate if you're offering) and even I 'm not immune to snapping photos of red and orange trees but to me it's a sign of things to come. 

"But Jen" I here you cry "What about Halloween, warm drinks, being cosy?" . Whilst it's true that Halloween is my favourite day of the year and I love decorating for it and, back in more normal times, hosting parties the holiday is about welcoming the dark half of the year and that's what I struggle with.

I think part of the problem is that the UK's Autumns are mostly not the picture postcards of beautiful colours that you see from America but rather battleship grey skies, rain and wind. I can handle the strong winds but I utterly despise rain.

Of course even I can work out where my real psychological problems stem from, nobody needs to be  a genius there, it's the time of skipping off back to school and I don't need to recount everything here but you all know what happened there. Let me explain how big a problem this became. When I was younger we always used to go on holiday to France for the last two weeks of August immediately after the airshow. Whilst I tried so hard to immerse myself in the good times the moment we got on the ferry at Newhaven to go across to Europe my depression would start. 

I used to hate myself for it and think there was something wrong and ungrateful about me for being so unhappy when so many people would have loved to be on holiday with their far. Looking back of course this was my BPD making itself known. In the back of my mind I knew the days were counting down until I'd be returning to my own personal hell. 

Aside from September being 'back to school' it also seems to coincide with other bad times, I don't know if it's all related but two of the times I've been signed off work have been at this time of year.

I think what's making this year a struggle already is my inactivity and losing the energy and confidence to do things over this summer. I feel like I've 'slept through summer' and I know this is no-one's fault but my own but the meds that I'm on plus just sleeping off bad moods have constantly conspired to make staying in bed the only viable option at times. Add to that a second year of a lack of my normal summer activities makes me feel like once again the season has been wasted. Whilst I'm incredibly grateful that I made it to Bournemouth Air show yesterday I've now got 'post fun event' blues to contend with too 🤦.

I'm struggling to cope with the idea of Autumn already and we're only 6 days into September ......

Love Jen

XxxX

A Brief Encounter

I'm currently in a state of not knowing whether to crack up laughing or sob hysterically which is slightly abnormal even for me on a Friday morning.

So Mum and I like to go swimming once a week (yep I get my blubbery form into a swimming costume and hope not to get harpooned) and towards the end of our swim one of the lifeguards came over and asked me if I went to the same school as he did. The answer was of course yes, although I did wittily say "yes for my sins" (more on that later) 

And yes, he was part of the crowd who made my life a living hell and was there when I got groped in front of a class of 28 other 11 year olds and laughed along with them. And here he is now greeting me like an old friend.

He said "awww you don't look any different" which rankles a huge amount as I've spent most of my post-school life trying to change the appearance of who I was then, I've spent a lot of sterling on tattoos, piercings, cool goth clothes to cover up that girl. I also noted the irony of talking to him whilst in a swimsuit in my obese state with marks of my arms and legs being the legacy of those 5 years of hell and the effect its had on my mental health for the best part of 20 years. 

I politely asked if he still saw anyone from school and he mentioned one person who goes to the same church as him 🤦🏻‍♀️. He then asked if I went because of my 'sins' quip 🤣. He finished off our conversation saying that next time we bump into each other he wanted to get my number so we could go for a cup of tea 😱. So many WTFs from that, firstly am I supposed to suddenly be all friendly with someone who was a complete cunt to me. Secondly why the hell would he want to spend time with someone who he hated for 5 years and thirdly and most hilariously I'm a full blown tarot-reading witch with an alter and loads of pretty and interesting books on the history of magic and the occult.

As amusing as it is, I'm feeling horrible and unsettled and sick. A flood of memories have come back, ones that I don't want and emotions that I really don't need right now.....

Love Jen

XxxX

EMDR Diaries - Pushing Pause

Hi everyone hope you're all doing as OK as possible? As my blog readers will know I've been undergoing EMDR therapy to try and help with some of the traumatic experiences that have seriously affected my mental health. 

My counsellor and I started off gradually covering experiences that were lower down my 'trauma scale'. We started off by working on a bad workplace experience (the link for that blog and an explanation of EMDR can be found here). We then moved on to losing my beautiful Stelly. The aim isn't for you to forget the events but to take some of the 'sting' out of them. For example when it comes to Stelly when I think about losing her I no longer blame myself for what happened, nor do I feel such overwhelming emotion. Instead I've been able to focus on my lovely memories of her and all the mischief she and Esme used to get up to (don't worry Esme still gets up to enough mischief on her own) and yes feel sad, mourn her and miss her but without such an intense reaction.

The next plan was to start working on the bullying trauma, which is the really big one that has shaped who I am still to this day. We had one whole session and a half session of trying but I felt nothing. EMDR works on your physical reactions to memories, for example when I was focusing on Stelly I was actually 'sick' (without actually being sick or retching it was the weirdest sensation) or when we were working on the work problems my forearms tingled where I used to cut them to relieve the stress). So to feel absolutely nothing to the point of being numb was really odd. Essentially I think my brain has tried to detach itself so far from school that I can't connect the physical reactions.

After trying for the first half hour of a session with no reaction we decided to try and see if I could work through the sexual assault and some other uncomfortable experiences of that nature I've had. I connected with this and had some quite unpleasant sensations that I won't detail here as they are quite triggering for anyone who happens to be reading who's had similar experiences (🤗🤗🤗 to you if you have).

Unfortunately I've had to pause the sessions temporarily as the memories, thoughts and feelings that it bought up were pretty overwhelming and lead to me self-harming again and feeling 'unsafe' (my code word for suicidal). I was back to feeling disgusted with my body and self as a whole, before my first experience in the first few weeks of secondary school I'd never really thought about my body that much but it was after that my feelings of disgust and general embarrasment around how I look started and never left. Put it this way even when I was thin I felt uncomfortable, imagine how gross I feel now 🤣.

It also dredged up my memories of being 'frigid' and 'unnatural' due to my own sexual dysfunction (one of the large factors as to why I'd never entertain being in a relationship again). My fear about how people see me, benefit of dressing like a goth and being fat is that no-one looks at you as being potentially attractive - a top tip there (you're welcome 🤣).

So due to all of the above the EMDR has been paused until I can become a bit more stable again (lots of other life worries at the moment so it may be some time). I do want to continue as these memories need to be worked though alongside some others such as deaths of friends and family, relationship breakdowns etc.

On a cheerful note to end the blog I've been doing plenty of Halloween 🦇 🎃 decoration shopping (if you follow me on good ole Instagram jenraefrances you'll have been spammed with pictures and videos in my stories) and I was wondering if anyone would like to see blogs about them and my Halloween prepping in the run up to the big day! Let me know.

Love Jen

XxxX

EMDR Diaries - Chapter 1

For those of you who have the, er, pleasure (?) to follow me on social media (Twitter jenraefrances and Instagram jenraefrances very original I know!) you'll have see than I've started a treatment called EMDR (Click here  for more info about EMDR, if that's a bit wordy then a YouTube link is coming up!). 

The aim of EMDR is to help the brain re-process traumatic memories which will, in theory, 
 help stop my extreme reactions to certain stimuli and triggers. My Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) has been worsening since the summer which lead to me attemping suicide back in August (See my blog Cold Hard Facts - ***Trigger warning***). Whilst my bad memories will always be there, this treatment won't magically erase them but it will allow my brain to process the bullying, assault, loss etc correctly and hopefully lessen their impact.

I found a really useful YouTube video that explains it in a less Sci-Fi way. 

This video shows how an EDMR session works -

Before I started the treatment I was warned by my counsellor that the treatment can be tough as I'll be connecting with a lot of memories and emotions that my brain has repressed. I've been warned that I'll feel very unsettled for a number of days after each session There was also the likelihood that I'll have physical symptoms like tingling and twitches as my brain works to re-wire itself. To try and counter-act this my counsellor and I have been working on 'safe places' in my mind that I can access after the sessions to calm me such as airshows and happy memories. I have a long list of bad things to tackle, the usual suspects - bullying, loss etc so this will be a long slog. 

To start me off as gently as possible my counsellor, Helaine, has decided to start with the 'Memory Stick incident' from back in 2014. When you read any of my blogs from the summer of 2014, prior to being signed off in the Autumn, you'll be able to see the state I was left in (my blog Stuck from the time gives an idea, just bear in mind that at the time I was still working on the theory that I had Bi Polar rather than BPD). Now that I'm long gone from that job I can explain more about what went on and what the EMDR will be tackling. 

To cut a long story short whilst working for a local NHS Team I posted a memory stick to a nursing home containing patient information and it was lost in the post. This kicked off a massive incident as of course patient privacy was compromised (something that I never argued against and went out of my way to own up to), during the course of this it was decided to review my recent work and it was found that I had sent an information pack to an incorrect address (I still maintain that I was given the wrong details but that's neither here nor there). After that all of my work was scrutinised and management were constantly digging for mistakes I'd made. When I tried to stand up for myself I was told that I was "playing the mental health card" to avoid getting into trouble. The whole situation lead to my health spiralling out of control, loads of self-harming and my being signed off of work and eventually leaving. 

As we started the session Helaine asked me to bring this time to mind. I then had to watch the light bar that you saw in the video above for a few moments at a time (initially I made the mistake of trying to concentrate too hard on it and not follow the light bar but it turns out that once you've brought the memory to the front of your mind it stays there even when you're concentrating on the bar). The effect was immediate, I started having random tinglings and small pressures across my chest and throat (these are the spots where I normally 'feel stress', some people get knotted stomachs or breathlessness when they're stressed whereas mine sticks 'higher') and twinges in my shoulders.  

After the initial effects of the tinglings and pressures I actually stopped feeling anything for a little while until I suddenly got really tearful when I was struck by how much I'd loved my previous job working in the records library from 2010-2011 (you can read my memories of the time here). One of the things with the EMDR is that sudden insights will appear either during the session or in the days following about the memory you've been working on. Whilst I won't share the 'insights' I gained about my job I lost the memory stick with as they aren't pretty, I did realise that I was an easy target as I'm crap at standing up for myself or pointing out that I was the sole admin dealing with over 2000 cases, I did gain some interesting insights about my 'happy time' in the library; I realised that work was actually my 'safe space' and helped me cope with crap life threw at me at the time (my Grandad passing away, the breakdown of my 6 year relationship among other things) and still carry on smiling. I realised that I was 'mourning' that time so to speak, not just the job itself or that it was a good time in my life for travelling and having fun. But mourning the loss of that safety, positivity and most importantly the friends I left behind when I moved on, colleagues who made me feel welcome from day one and included me and, most importantly, were only ever nice to me. The ironic thing is that the only reason I left was because my hours had been cut to 3 days a week ....

The session ended with 'grounding' me again, accessing my 'happy/safe' space and putting me back into a calm mindset.

In the days following an EMDR session you can be left quite unsettled both mentally and physically (in some cases apparently you can be left twitchy or tingly for a couple of days). Physically I was fine, aside from some shoulder tension, but I've had a lot of work-related bad dreams or general anxiety dreams. The dreams have mostly been around a different job I had prior to the library when I was bullied (another reason I loved the library so much, no-one screamed across the room or down the phone at me!), having to start working there again and seeing the managers who made my life hell. I've also been quite low and tearful feeling as well as a slight stressed feeling bubbling away in the background. 

My next session will be a week Tuesday and we'll continue to work on this memory until my brain has processed it properly and it no longer brings up the emotional response anymore. After that we'll move onto other subjects which I admit to being quite nervous about, if I cried whilst working through this 'not too bad' memory lord knows how I'll be when focusing on losing Stelly or school. I want to try and keep up a blog of my EMDR experiences on the off chance that someone who's curious about the treatment or, like me, is trying it out for the first time will stumble across it in the depths of the interwebs and might find it helpful.

If the EMDR helps even just a bit then it'll be worth it, if I can have just a bit of breathing space then I can start piecing things back together a bit. It's not a cure and it won't remove my BPD, OCD and self-harming tendencies but what it can do is help unblock my brain to give me a better chance at reigning them in a bit.

Love Jen
XxxX

B is for Borderline Personality Disorder

Next up in my Mental Health Week blogs is Borderline Personality Disorder.

BPD is probably the trickiest of my 'conditions' because half the psychiatric world don't believe it exists so explaining something that half the world doesn't accept is a little challenging...

BPD is also known as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, a label that I absolutely detest. I find it almost insulting that a complex disorder is described as being 'emotionally unstable' when there is so much more to it than that.

BPD can take a long time to diagnose, it's commonly misdiagnosed as Bipolar or depression and whilst it comes with depressive elements they are part of a big mix of symptoms.

People often generalise BPD as being the result of abuse or traumatic experiences, and whilst being sexually assaulted and bullied both in school and the workplace certainly didn't help, I realise that I've always had certain traits of it. Things that wouldn't phase a 'normal' kid such as a supply teacher for the day would completely freak me out, being put in different groups to work was hell. As an 8 year old you just figure that everyone feels like that, the same suprise that I had as an adult when I discovered that not everyone's mood can go from sky-high or rock bottom in under a second. I'm still having to work hard to 'forgive' myself for the things that I did and felt in my teen years that I can now attribute to BPD but at the time were excruciatingly embrassing oddities.

Living with BPD can be exhausting. It has control of both my anxiety (see Monday's blog) and OCD (coming later this week), it's the reason that my attempts at CBT to combat my OCD failed as it worked its way around my attempts to 'challenge' my thought processes. Waking up each day and having no idea which direction your thoughts and moods will take throughout the course is pretty unsettling. Without exaggeration I can go from pretty chill to manic to terrified to suicidal all in the space of a morning when I'm going through a bad patch.

It makes interactions with others, in the workplace especially, tricky. You want people to see you as a rational, professional person and you can understand their confusion when the bubbly brightly dressed person they met the day before drags herself into work in her baggy black dress surrounded by a moody silence. I feel bad for putting people through this, more so my family and friends. I have a lot of anger that I carry with me, anger at the people who bullied me and assaulted me, anger at those who screamed at me across the office, worst of all the anger at those who stood by and let it happen when they could have stepped in and finally anger at myself for not 'dealing' and allowing the disorder to inform my life this way.

One of the hardest things I have to ask myself is the catchy "is it me or BPD?". It is hard to see where the BPD ends and Jen begins (and vice versa), your personality is unique and saying that it is 'disordered' raises the question do I think/feel this way/do this because it's me or because of my BPD? Is it Jen that cares lots about her family and panics if she doesn't hear from them or is it the clingy element of the BPD?

I could go on into far more depth about my BPD but I did promise mini-blogs!

In the next blog I'll be delving into the mystical world of my OCD.

Love Jen
XxxxX

World Mental Health Day - Mental Health In The Workplace

Today marks the 10^th Anniversary of Rethink starting the annual World Mental Health Day amongst its’ other campaigns. This year’s special focus is on Mental Health in the workplace which I have quite a lot of experience in the care, or lack thereof offered by companies.

I’ve experienced both the best and the worst treatment of mental health in various places I’ve worked and even a contrast within one job. Many of us who have a mental illness (I don’t like to say suffer anymore as to me it sounds weakening and trust me those who live with a mental illness are some of the strongest people you will ever meet!) are afraid to disclose or speak up about having a mental illness for fear of being mocked or people thinking they aren’t capable of doing their job.

My first experience of mental health in the workplace was as a buyer in a company who repaired photo and x-ray machines. It was an incredibly fast paced and stressful workplace, I was often on the receiving end of a barrage of abuse from managers if orders went wrong or were delayed in their shipping (all beyond my control). I had two periods of being signed off in the 4 years I was there, the first was when I was made supervisor of the department and the added stress of being screamed at by one of the managers day in day out caused my self-harming to escalated to a serious daily habit. At the time I was writing a MySpace (ask your parents kids) detailing the stress I was under (without naming the company or employees involved so absolutely anonymous) and a well-meaning friend in the office spoke to HR as she was concerned for my well-being and had witnessed my treatment for herself.

The lady in HR was fantastic, she understood and signed me off for two weeks to give me an immediate break for the situation. When I came back my return to work was dealt with by my manager and not HR, my line manager (an older gentleman) told me that with immediate effect I was to step aside from the role and he “sincerely hoped I’d learnt the error of my ways”.  Looking back I can’t believe that it was suggested that being ill or struggling with the attitude of managers was some kind of error on my part. But at 20 years old and trying to cope with aggressive management I just accepted it.

My next period of being signed off was for a month 3 years later. A large amount of staff had been made redundant, my team went from 3 of us to just myself. Once again all the responsibility landed on me along with the hassle from management. My stress levels became unbearable once again and my GP signed me off for a month. When I returned to work I had a brief meeting with my manager and a member of HR (The lovely lady from before was long gone after being told she was ‘taking the side of the staff too often’ vs management) and explained the reasons why I had been signed off. No discussion was had about strategies that could help reduce my stress and my problems were just swept under the carpet and my condition ignored. No phased return to work was proposed and I went straight back into a 6 day week. All through my time with the company I was made to feel inadequate for struggling with the stress and daring to be ill and also ashamed to be trying to cope with my depression and anxiety.

You may have read in my blogs from 2014/15 about the troubles I had in my last job in relation to how my illness was received and dealt with. When I first started I was open in both my interview and with my colleagues when I’d gotten to know them about being ill. Initially the reception was great, I was very supported – given time off for counselling sessions arranged by the department and touched base with managers frequently so they could check how I was doing. This all changed one day back in March 2014 when we discovered that a memory stick I’d returned in the post to a nursing home had gone missing. Whilst I took full responsibility for the missing stick as it was sent out ‘on my watch’ the repercussions went further than that. All of my previous work was under scrutiny and any mistakes that I’d made were suddenly dragged into light, a lot of these mistakes were made whilst I was changing across medications from an anti-depressant to a mood stabiliser which was a pretty big shift with a lot of side effects.

The effect of the scrutiny meant that I made mistakes through nervousness and lack of confidence sent my moods into haywire and my anxiety through the roof. I returned to self-harming after nearly a year ‘free’ to cope with the noise created in my brain. I won’t go into all the details again as I’ve been over and over them in the past but basically I was accused of ‘playing the mental health card to make it difficult for them to put me on Performance Management’. I basically went from a promising member of staff who copes fantastically well with her illness to a liability hiding behind her illness purely to make things difficult for them. Thankfully I’m well shot of that job but I am sad at the way it ended as I really enjoyed my work and the people I worked alongside.

I work under the Temporary Staff Bank at my local hospital now doing basic admin, sending out letters and filing etc. Being on a technically zero hours contract means that in theory I can have time off whenever I want which is helpful for appointments etc. However I have struggled with attitudes towards my problems again, I have always been very open in this job as previously but due to various bad patches I went through last year and earlier this year (Particularly around losing both Kay and Stelly within a few months of each other) I had a lot of ‘sick days’. Whilst I am not obliged to work a ‘shift’ and required to let my line manager know at least an hour before I would be due to start (I used to leave a message 2 hours in advance) this still caused a lot of problems. It was suggested that the amount of time off I’d had would be “understandable if you’d broken your leg”. Unfortunately demonstrating that mental vs physical health discrimination is alive and (not so)well still. The flip side is that the girls I work with are amazing, they support me and always cheer me up on a bad day. 

Hopefully this year’s focus on Mental Health in the workplace will not only educate employers about their duties towards the wellbeing of their employees and the importance of supporting and understanding them, but also empower those with mental illness to feel confident in speaking up about their condition and asking for the help that they need.

Love Jen

XxxX

Elevator Music 🎶

This is kind of a stop gap blog as I haven't written in nearly a month, and if by some miracle I was to achieve my dream of being some kind of Author/Blogger (of the music variety would be my ultimate goal) then being lax with posts isn't the way to go.

I've been shying away from blogging the last few weeks as during my counselling sessions we've been digging out some pretty heavy stuff that I'd kinda blocked out, incidents at school that I'd tried to laugh off or ignore at the time but would actually be taken far more seriously nowadays.

And I shall write about it sooner rather than later; once I have it all a bit straighter in my head, not in an attention seeking/airing dirty laundry/sensationalising, or whatever other adjectives are thrown at people who speak about their abuse manner, but at the moment I'm still at the stage where I need to sort it in my own head before telling you about it.

Love to you all

Jen

XxxxX

Ps here is a photo of Esme for you to admire in the meantime!

School's Out?

An utterly laughable thing has happened to me. Whilst in the process of getting to grips with my new phone (basically a larger version of my old one but this is Jen the technophobe) and having a swear at it a Facebook notification popped up that made me swear even more but in disbelief.

 I've been added to a group trying to arrange a 'class of 2003' school reunion, no really. One of the 'in-crowd', who had no interest whatsoever in anyone outside her group is trying to arrange a get together at the end of the year, perhaps a case of 30s related nostalgia? A few people have posted in the group saying how lovely it would be, what makes me laugh is that most of these people had nothing to do with each other back at school and most times didn't even like each other.

 I'm wondering what the psychology is behind school reunions? Is it an opportunity for the popular kids to relieve their glory days? Or if you weren't friends with people why would you suddenly want to meet up with them 15 years later?

 My natural curiosity (read nosiness) got the better of me and I had a look through a lot of the profiles (seriously people need to learn to lock their Facebook's down), what gets me is that most of the people who picked on me have profiles full of photos of their weddings, their kids, their achievements etc. I  know people only post 'the best' on their profile (it's social spin really I guess) but the bitter part of me fumes that they live the lives that their actions have denied me.

Due to my illness - exacerbated, if not caused, by their actions I can't have relationships due to the nature of my personality disorder, the hormones caused by pregnancy & post-pregnancy are incredibly dangerous to me, my body issues (and no before you ask it's not as simple as 'just lose some weight' or 'give up sugar' or the most irritating 'why don't you do more excercise') - they go deep, I've been between a size 8 when I didn't eat and a current size 20 where I over-eat to try and compensate for the misery in my head. I also don't feel it's worth looking after myself, I'm not worthy of care.

So it really grates seeing the people who mocked me for my looks, spread sick rumours about me, thought it was funny to grope me and kick me, felt it was acceptable to shoot at me with BB Gun pellets and shower the back of my head with broken pieces of pencil, coins and anything else to hand (what a waste of stationary!!). The theory of Karma is that your actions come back threefold, so why are they so happy, successful, still think and pretty?

 Now let me consider that invitation ....

 Love Jen

XxxX

Tips For Year 7s

** TRIGGER WARNING** This post contains strong language and explicit references****

#Tipsforyear7s has been trending on Twitter over the weekend to prepare the new intakes to secondary schools around the country for the new world they'll be entering (Admittedly I find it pretty worrying that kids of 11/12 have Twitter accounts!).

Allow me to offer some of my pearls of wisdom.

*General Advice*

Lunch break will be an hour later than you're used to. Prepare to starve.....

You will spend the first couple of weeks paranoid that you've written your lesson schedule down wrong.

You will change as fast as humanly possible after PE due to the teacher of your following lesson failing to understand that 5 minutes between lessons really isn't enough time to change and fight your way along the corridor.

*Advice If You Wish To Become (And retain your membership as) One Of The 'In-Crowd'*

Be prepared to ditch your friends from primary school (see below)

Expect to become a clone of a mean-girls style group, any  spark of individuality will be punishable by social demotion.

Store up a list of snide remarks and insults to keep the geeks in their place.

*If You're Like Me*

Be prepared to be disowned by your primary school friends within hours

Expect aforementioned 'friends' to use any embarrassing confessions you may have made to them in the past as currency to elevate themselves and fit in.

Also beware of said friends suddenly wanting to re-befriend you when they need fresh ammo.

Be prepared for teachers to ignore any reports you make of bullying behaviour despite the giant anti-bullying policy signs in the canteen.

Be prepared to be blamed for your teachers to blame you for your social exclusion

Be careful of liking or disliking any music/films/TV Shows not authorised by the 'in-crowd'

Look foward to accusations of your good self attaching dildos to posters of your favourite bands since you're sooooo lonely (pretty sure that sexual frustration isn't a topic for 12/13 year olds to speculate upon by hey oh)

You will be expected to take slaps on the arse and groping of your books as a compliment

As before don't EVER consider reporting a particularly intimate grope of your backside (performed in front of about 10 people naturally). You will be ostracised forevermore.

Expect to be shot with a BB Gun and the school's response to be to beg your parents not to go to the local press.

Start saving now for the medication and therapy sessions you will need to try and deal with these experiences. It's costly kids!

And remember above all that these are the best days of your life!!!

Love Jen
XxxX

The Truth About Bullying

With the storm currently surrounding the disgusting abuse being hurled at various women in the public eye via Twitter and recent reports of the sickening trolling of teenagers driven to suicide lead me to think about my own experiences of bullying.

Having been picked on at Primary School, bullied all 5 years of Secondary School, suffered bullying in a previous workplace and been the victim of Twitter abuse I like to consider myself fairly well placed to speak on the subject, Perhaps a future Mastermind subject? "Jenni you have 60 seconds to answer questions on your specialist subject Bullying", but I digress.

Sadly bullying blights the life of many people and it's not just kids. In the age of social media "Adult bullying" for want of a better term is on the rise. People are finding it more acceptable to harass and insult each other across all sorts of mediums. Whilst the media focuses on the extreme examples and their tragic consequences I'd like to tell my own story.

I've never been popular, I've always been a self-confessed geek. When I was at primary school although I was picked on, called fat and stupid – the normal stuff, it was bearable. Secondary school was a whole different story. The saddest thing is that I consider my case to be one of the lesser cases of bullying that I witnessed in my year group I was lucky only to have been physically bullied on a small number of occasions including being shot with a BB gun (first person shooter games aren't so fun when you're the target). However the old saying that "Sticks & stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me" is woefully untrue, imagine 5 years of your life where you are being reminded daily that you are ugly, fat, weird and a freak. Add to this regular teenage angst and you have a recipe for a mental health disaster (or of course a really good Emo-rock album). Imagine if you will sitting at the front of a classroom with all manner of items being thrown at you whilst the teacher stands back and watches then pulls you aside at the end of the lesson and tells you "Don't isolate yourself from the tutor group", erm thanks I'll bear that in mind next time I duck the pencil sharpener.

Oddly my depression & anxiety, although directly connected to the bullying, didn't come on until after college. I think that because I had the most amazing time at college with the friends that I did have from school it wiped away the memories and insecurities for two glorious years. It was when this was over that the memories and feelings returned and mutated into serious mental illness. 

The media concentrate on the immediate after effects of bullying but the truth is the effects reach further than you can imagine. I left school 10 years ago, an entire decade. Yet even after 7 years of being on medication and going through various counselling and talking therapies I can still feel like that isolated 13 year old with everyone laughing at her. I'm paranoid that my hair is greasy after comments made over 12 years ago.

I'm not trying to write a "Woe is me" blog as many people I have the pleasure to talk to here and on Twitter (I'm @JenRaeFrances if you're interested) have come through far worse experiences and I have so much respect for their strength and resilience. However I really think there is an argument for exploring the long-term effects of bullying long after school is over, if someone was to explain, frankly and openly how much the actions of others have affected them down the line would that make kids (or even adults) stop and think how they treat people? If even one bully was stopped in their tracks as a result of being shown the damage they are doing then that's one less person suffering now and potentially in the future. Of course if the government were to think about this it could be pointed out to them that if they were to introduce robust legislation against bullying and toughen up on the woeful anti-bullying policies in schools like mine then in the future services such as the NHS could be saved millions in prescriptions for anti-depressants and counselling services.

If you are reading this and are being bullied, then first of all *Massive hugs*, secondly well done on being brave and coping every day. At the risk of sounding like a cliché it will get better, in little ways you will be able to fight back, maybe not whilst you are at school but in the future you will have brief moments when you look back and think "Ha if you could see me now" (yes one of mine was when Jared Leto of 30 Seconds To Mars told me I was cool). One of the ways I fought back was by taking pride in being a "freak", it gave me freedom to be myself and have friends who accepted me for me rather than someone trying to fit in with the in-crowd.

So remember, no matter who you are, whether you're 5, 15, 25 or 105 then you are better than the bullies. It will get better. If I can survive it then so can you. Good luck!

Lots of Love

Jen

Xxxxxx

Ps Remember if you are being bullied there is lots of support out there from charities such as

http://www.bullying.co.uk/

http://nationalbullyinghelpline.co.uk/ (this one also covers bullying in the workplace)

Childline & The NSPCC also have really good resources
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone on O2