RIP Eastbourne Pier

Today my hometown of Eastbourne lost part of it's identity. Our beautiful Victorian-era pier caught fire and has been partly destroyed. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-sussex-28571431

Being a born and bred Eastbourneian I'm absolutely gutted. The pier is the jewel in Eastbourne's crown and is one of the last links to the town we once were. The council has, over the years, made many misguided attempts to 'modernize' the town but the pier was a sedate reminder that these changes were't necessary and we would carry on quite well on our own thank you. 

I have so many memories of the pier, playing the penny machines in the arcade (the part that caught fire today), pumping most of my spending money into the cuddly toy grabbing machines (I only won once back in 1999, a cuddly alien, I called it Mars - spooky I know), watching the fishermen at the end of the pier, under 18s nights at Atlantis the nightclub at the end of the pier, cream teas in the tea room. I've watched the displays at Airbourne from the pier (it's always packed for the Red Arrows), the chips from the pier are hands-down the best in the entire town. 

I really hope that the pier can be restored, a fundraising group has already been set up where people can donate. Below are some of my favourite pictures I've taken of the pier over the years  some of photos of today's fire.

Love Jen

XxxX 

Framed by deckchairs on a summer's evening

All lit up

A sunny day

This is the arcade that caught fire today

I love the detail on the lamposts

On fire

Flames through the smoke

Still smoking this evening

                                      

As you can see the arcade building is just a shell

Basket Case

"Do you have the time? To listen to me whine?" Sings Billie-Joe Armstrong in Green Day's 'Basket Case' and whilst I always like to link stuff to my favorite artists sometimes their music seems more profound and reflective of how I feel.



You may accuse me of being "one of those melodramatic fools, neurotic to the core no doubt about it" and at this moment you'd be right. My anxiety is at crazy levels once again. I took the course of Citalopram my GP prescribed and it did start to balance me out and take my anxiety down a few notches to a far more bearable level.



Now my anxiety is not only making me think and act like a freak, with all my OCD-type thoughts coming back. I'm having panic attacks just walking round Asda at lunchtime, worrying constantly about things that really don't matter that my mind just decides to fix on for no apparent reason. I have horrible visions of bad things happening to Estelle and Esme that leave me close to tears. I feel breathless and dizzy all the time and my moods are cycling round like crazy, from crazy happy to really low in a matter of minute,s once more.



I know what's causing the extra anxiety and therein lies the problem. It's centered on something happening at work that I can't discuss on here for obvious reasons. But basically I feel backed into a corner and have no way out. Stress is one of the worse things you can give a Bipolarbear along with excess alcohol or drugs (and at this point in time both feel incredibly tempting!). It sends us haywire along with our moods and actions.



So at the moment "my mind plays tricks on me" constantly, something needs to give before I go crazy.



Love Jen

XxxX

Mental Health First Aid At Work?

‎I've just read a brilliant report on the BBC News website by Charlotte Walker about a new scheme of Mental Health first aiders being implemented in some workplaces (article is here http://m.bbc.co.uk/news/blogs-ouch-28406211). 

What a brilliant idea! Knowing that your workplace has someone there specifically trained to understand mental illness would make the world of difference to people, like me, trying to juggle the world of work whilst struggling to keep my head above water with a mental illness. 

A Mental Health first aider would also be able to spot early signs of conditions such as stress or anxiety developing either as a result of the job or outside work experiences. Early treatment of anxiety/stress/depression in some cases can lead to it being nipped in the bud early on before it grows and takes over someone's life. 

Whilst my work colleagues are sympathetic to my illness and it's symptoms, having a specific person I could go and vent to when I'm having a bad day, rather than colleagues already struggling with their own workloads, would make the world of difference.

As I've pointed out in many of my previous blogs mental illness is as much a physical illness as a broken leg or being in a wheelchair and it's about time workplaces stood up and took notice. 

Love Jen

XxxX

"I'm Going To Break High & Right ... See If He's Really Alone"

 Today's blog is a bit of a mish mash of different bits and bobs I've been up to. As you all know I've submitted my piece for the Blurt Campaign's Project X. In order for them to be able to publish it, it can't have been posted/published anywhere else - hence why it's not popped up on here. It means ya'll have to purchase the E-book when it comes out later this year!

It's been a pretty fun month so far, I've been getting crafty with my Sketchers http://stitchesbeadsrocknroll.blogspot.co.uk/2014/07/in-those-shoes-i-think-so.html , taking lots of photos and enjoyed some days out in the sunshine!

A belated 4th July party at mine, L-R Lydia, Barry, Jame, Hilary, Me & Luke

I've been making the most of the lovely, hot weather that we're having and going for walks in the evening with my camera. Here's a couple of snaps I've captured. 

Eastbourne Seafront

Eastbourne Seafront

Pevensey Castle

I spent the day with Kay a couple of weeks ago, we were really lucky with a hot, sunny day!

Jen in "on a boat and not looking green" shocker

Snuggles with Button Boo

And Bikki Boo!

A visit to the Solent Spitfire Museum, Kay was lucky enough not to catch geekitis from me!

I spotted HMS Dauntless from the Gosport Ferry, she's the Navy's partly stealth destroyer!

I don't know if any of you guys have been watching Channel 4's This Old Thing ? The basic premise is that Dawn O'Porter trys to convince 2 vintage clothing-phobes into wearing a vintage piece or outfit. It's my favourite programme on TV at the moment, I adore vintage clothing and own a few pieces myself. 

My 70s dress meets some Ancient Greece in the British Museum

It's also a big tea fan!

At work we've been told we have to smarten up so I've used it as an excuse to trawl the internet for lovely vintage pieces. Being a chunky monkey makes finding genuine vintage pieces very difficult as people weren't generally as big as I am back in the day. Whilst I love Collectif & Lindy Bops' gorgeous reproduction vintage, it's not quite the same as owning something you know has some history to it. Which is why I was over the moon to find this 60s dress on Ebay -

Obviously the dazed look on my face is down to the awesomeness of my dress!

On Friday it was FINALLY Farnborough Airshow, I've been super-excited about it since we booked the tickets months and months ago. Each airshow I go to is special in a different way - Airbourne is exciting because it's happening in my back garden, Shoreham is brilliant for 'aaah-ing' at Warbirds. Farnborough is the place to see modern and future aviation at it's best. It was also the first time I'd used my SLR camera with it's zoom lense at an airshow and I'm so so so happy with the photos I got. They look almost *whispers* professional. 

Here's a few of them -

Unfortunately there wasn't a flying example of the F35 Joint Strike Fighter but it was pretty cool to see this mock-up on the ground

Taking a selfie with the A380

And here it is in action

A400M Transport Plane

Eurofighter Typhoon in it's D Day Commemorative Markings

And again

Harrier (I miss these so much!)

The Mighty Red Arrows line up

The beautiful Grace Spitfire

Vulcan XH558

I must also mention the crazy weather on Friday evening, it was practically pitch-black at 8pm and the storm that blew up had more lightening than I've ever seen in my life! Absolutely crazy!

This Saturday I'm off to London with Mum and Helen. We're going to the National Gallery's Making Colour exhibition (I'm secretly hoping we'll get to throw paint at each other but somehow I doubt it!) which should be really interesting as apparently there are a lot of different 'colour-themed' rooms. Lots of pictures will obviously follow!

Love Jen

XxxX

  

In Those Shoes .... I Think So!

I love shoes as much as the next girl and I adore heels but sadly was born without the genetic ability to walk in them. This unfortunate disability has left me to my Dr Martens and trainers (oh and my red 'Dorothy' shoes!) which whilst they're v cool aren't exactly 'pretty'.  I've needed a new pair of trainers for a while for days out or long walks with my camera (I have an assortment of Converse of all colours and patterns but they're a wee bit flat to be walking in all day) and in stepped (sorry .... no pun intended) Sketchers Go Walks. Helen has had a pair for about 3 weeks and I was so taken with hers I ordered a pair for myself.

There are loads of different colours of the shoes available but I went for black since I figure they'll be worn with lots of different outfit combinations. However this didn't mean I couldn't have a little fun and Jenni-ize them! So I drew up some stencils and away I went. 

I drew the patterns on in bronze Sharpie

Every girl needs a unicorn on her shoes!

One the bronze guidelines were on I painted over in silver fabric paint (silver Sharpie would also work well)

The paint drys really quickly and goes on very brightly and only occasionally needs a second coat in a few spots. 

A bright, shiny unicorn!

I think the finished project is pretty cool if I say so myself!

Skulls & Swallows just like my tattoos!

Unicorns!

View from the side

Accessorized with unicorn print leggings!

I love that now no-one else has in the world has shoes like mine. It just shows that with an hour of drawing and painting you can have your own unique and pretty accessories!

Love Jen

XxxX

 

Crazy Dreams

Last night I finally got more than 5 hours sleep (6 to be precise)! Judging by my dreams last night it gave my head time to work through all the stuff bumping around in it. I'm one of those people who can always remember their dreams and I tend to dream very vividly. Apparently remembering your dreams means you're not getting a particularly deep sleep, in which case I don't think I've ever slept that deeply since I can still clearly remember dreams from when I was really young . One of my dreams was of a giant rabbit in the sky ….. saying nothing Estelle & Esme ……

 

I don't know if anyone else has recurring dreams but I have two and I managed to have them both last night! The first is a classic anxiety dream – it's a weekday morning and events and people I know are conspiring to make me late for work. I will be either waiting on family for a lift, be pottering around and it will suddenly dawn on me that I'm late or I won't be able to walk fast enough. It doesn't take Freud to work out that this is just a run of the mill anxiety dream when my brain is stressed (and yes I do have the turning up to work/school naked dream too …. A nice image for you all on this Thursday afternoon).

 

I had the misfortune to have my most horrible recurring dream last night too. It always works the same way, I've been out to feed Estelle & Esme (that's my two beautiful bunnies for any new readers) and once I've finished feeding them either discover or suddenly realise that I've forgotten about multiple other bunnies or guinea pigs that are, normally, in the shed and are starving, filthy or dead in horrible cramped little cages. I normally end up putting the surviving ones in the girls' grass run where they instantly perk up and I hurriedly clean out the cages. But I then have to put them back in the tiny cages and they instantly become ill again.

 

Last night's variation was me lying on my bed and looking up and suddenly noticing that above me a small cage was hanging from the ceiling with 3 guinea pigs inside, again very cramped and ill. In my dream I decided that the first thing they needed was a bigger home and was trying to go on the internet on my tablet to order them one. The touchpad wouldn't work and whenever I tried to type 'guinea pig' it would mis-spell it. It happened when I was trying to call someone to come and take them as I obviously was neglecting them, my phone wouldn't dial the number or pick up signal.

 

The weirdest thing about these dreams is that my bunnies are always fine, healthy and spoilt (of course I have nightmares about their wellbeing too but those are far less frequent) and anyone who knows me and my love of small, furry creatures would know that it would be impossible for me to forget about any others in my vicinity. I'd love to know what the dream means, I assume I feel subconsciously that I'm neglecting something or someone but I just don't know what.

 

Other recurring anxiety dreams include realising that it's opening night of the school play and not having learnt my lines, school ones in general where I realise half-way through "hey I have a job I don't need to be here", going on holiday and not being able to get hold of Helen (v unlikely since I normally go on holiday with her!) and of course anything involving snakes!

 

I assume I'm not the only one with weird n wonderful dreams, do any of yours top mine for weirdness?

 

Love Jen

XxxX  

Questions, Questions, Questions

So I've now been on the Citalopram dose for a week now, and to give the devil their due they have knocked my anxiety on it's head (aside from a few 'break outs') along with the OCD type thoughts. The nausea that I had for the first few days has subsided thank god! Although the tablets seem to have sent me to a bit of a hypomanic state with rushing thoughts and problems sleeping. At the moment I only seem to be able to sleep in short nap bursts, last night was the first night in about 5 days that I've slept for more than about 3 hours so I am a little sleep-deprived and grumpy!

 

The problem I find with being on so many tablets is I wonder, when I've had a few good days together, is it me? Or is it the tablets? Do I need to be throwing all these extra chemicals into my brain? Am I potentially doing more harm than good? I still think that my brain is permanently fried from years of taking the wrong anti-depressants, my concentration is shot as is my memory. Could it be that being on so much medication is frying even more of my brain? If I stopped my medication would I relapse back into the crazy moods or would I be ok?

 

I've finished the first draft of my Blurt Foundation Project X piece and as I told my story I was struck by how many of my life events are because of my illness. I wonder if my mental problems have eaten away at my 'me-ness'? How much of Jen is left? Are my actions ruled by my 'me' or my condition?

 

Love Jen

XxxX