It never rains.....

Well they say it never rains but pours, apparently I'm ticking off the proverbs as they go.

 

Following on from last week's bloghttp://www.stitchesbeadsrocknroll.blogspot.co.uk/2014/05/let-down-by-my-broken-brain-again.html things have gone from bad to worse. The work issue is now a formal performance management procedure. Apparently the aim is to work out how I can improve but aside from cutting out the faulty part of my brain I don't know what else I can do. Unless of course we sharpen a few pencils and try performing a lobotomy on the desk, I'm open to ideas!

 

After Monday's meeting I pretty much had a mini breakdown, I'm not trying to scaremonger, attention seek or dramatise the situation. Let's just saw the result of said breakdown was 6 months worth of hard work not to self-harm was well undone. Which of course now rules out trying out Luke & Barry's new Jacuzzi hot tub and the wearing of sleeveless tops for the time being.

 

The problem is that I'm not one of these people who can come in and tell their family all about their day, cry and be done with it. Crying in front of other people is one of the things I hate most in the world, the nearest I get to expressing that kind of deep emotion to others is sobbing at the bunnies on occasion (cue glares and the giving of the furry butts). So for me the only way I could release the pressure that was building up in my head on Monday afternoon was to grab a blade and just get on with it. It was that or listen to the voice egging me on to swallow the entire packet of my anti-anxiety pills and I refuse to put anyone through that situation. So a bit of a bleed was definitely the lesser of two evils! It wasn't like I wanted to die, I just wanted to black out and check out of my head and body and everything going on inside.

 

Since Monday I haven't felt the need to cut luckily, I've actually just been incredibly numb with the occasional freak-out and misery moment drifting through. It's almost like my brain literally exploded on Monday and I'm still having the occasional aftershock. It's a bit like my head has been opened up and my brain scooped out. Which is ironic as now I'm having even more trouble concentrating when I'm suddenly threatened with a crying fit out of nowhere. Thank god for my lip-biting abilities! On the plus side this situation and other things I have going on have killed my appetite which is making my new salad diet a lot easier to stomach. I'm not craving sweets and cake post-lunch after I've forced the leaves down.

 

I honestly don't know where to go from here L

 

Love Jen

XxxX

Let down by my broken brain again

No matter how hard I work against or try to ignore my broken, inadequate brain it has yet again let me down. 

I can't say too much because the issue relates to a work issue but basically I've made some big mistakes that have bad implications for the rest of my team.

I try hard to concentrate on my tasks every day but on days when my brain is about 100 miles away from my body and racing at a few thousand miles an hour it's nigh on impossible. On days like this I try to do tasks that are fairly difficult to fuck up such as filing or printing bits out.

‎I don't think I'd be as bothered if I didn't care so much about my job or the people I work with. I feel terrible that I have let down people who have always been incredibly supportive of me and my problems. 

I try to argue with myself that I can live a 'normal' life with my mental health problems, but it's increasingly becoming clear that it may not be the case. If I can cause these many problems in a relatively stress-free position what hope does that hold out for career progression? For any kind of success? 

If I could tear out the useless matter inside my head then I would. It's doing me no good and just compounding the fact that I'm dumbed down from years of the wrong medication and just plain stupid.

Anxiety Aware

This week is the UK Mental Health Awareness Week and this year's foc is on being anxiety aware. Visit their website here.

Anxiety is something I feel well qualified to talk about having found myself at it's mercy for the last 3 years. I'd experienced the odd panic attacks over the years, mostly at school but nothing major. Then around the summer of 2011 something odd happened. I found myself constantly terrified, unable to breathe, churned up stomach, feeling shaky and wanting to curl up in a ball and hide.

I'd experienced depression before, but had been clear and off of antidepressants for over a year. And besides this felt much different. I'd never felt struck down by terror constantly before. Looking back I'm not surprised anxiety had crept up on me, I'd lost my Grandad, ended my 6 and a half year relationship and a friend had become ill.

For the next 2 and a half years I was Anxiety's slave, no i'm not exaggerating. Leaving the house was an ordeal in itself, I would have to march myself out of the door just to go to work. I would be in a calm mood when suddenly my stomach would get that dreadful lurch, my chest would tighten and I'd spiral off into a panic for no reason.

The other anxiety side effect was the constant worrying, weird obsessions and sheer exhaustion from all the fear. I would spend all day and evening worrying about friends and family, deliberately keep myself awake at least an hour after I knew they had gone to bed, should they need me, check my phone constantly throughout the night in case there was a message needing my help.

Going out and socialising became a nightmare. The idea of going to the pub (something I'd always enjoyed even during my first bout of depression) or even meeting people for a cup of tea felt impossible and so I simply stopped doing it.

The problem with anxiety is that for every 'cure' for an anxiety e.g stopping doing it, two new ones pop up in it's place much like the Hydra of Greek mythology. So for example I stop meeting friends at the pub because it's too scary, very soon I stop seeing them full stop because that too is terrifying.

Now you see how quickly anxiety takes over someone's life. The next step mine took was to go into mild OCD territory (I wouldn't dream of describing my anxiety as being OCD as it is an even more debilitating condition on it's own). I would be scared to sit in certain spots in the garden in case something bad happened, there were loads of these strange fears and compulsions.

I tried a lot of CBT techniques to tackle my anxiety and the renewed depression that it had bought on but my brain just dismissed it. The first thing that really started to help was the change of medication to mood stabilisers which treated my condition correctly as Bipolar and it's anxiety element.

I still struggle with anxiety, some days it still creeps up on me and freaks me out and makes me paranoid. I have to be careful not to let myself get excited about anything as it easily spills over into anxiety. I also have to be careful not to take on too much at any one time or to try to do too much in a short period, even back to back fun days out can leave me with, what I like to describe as, an "anxiety hangover".

I'm glad Mental Health Awareness Week has chosen anxiety as it's focus this year, as it can often be one of the less recognised mental illnesses despite it's life-altering effects. Anxiety is crippling and needs to be taken seriously.

Love Jen
XxxX

The Telegraph Saga Progresses

After I posted the link to my communications with The Telegraph on my Twitter and Facebook I had some brilliant feedback from you guys so thank you!

 

After reading all your comments I decided to e-mail them back to convey my dissatisfaction with how my complaint had been dealt with –

 

Dear Ms McAree

 

Thank you for your response to my comments of 24^thApril.

 

I feel that some of the points made in my letter have not been addressed, however I will accept that I am not likely to receive a succinct response to these.

 

I am more concerned by your‎ assertion that having experienced mental illness I am "inevitably sensitive". I would be "inevitably sensitive" to any kind of discriminatory language directed to any group of people. I wonder had I not disclosed my personal experience of mental illness whether this excuse would still have been used?

 

Whilst I appreciate that the title of any article serves to draw the reader in (I in fact studied journalism so am aware of the conventions) I still believe that this could have been achieved without the use of the "happy pills" terminology. Perhaps a little more thought could be given to this in the future and it not be assumed that your readership require taglines such as this to grant their attention.

 

I would also like to draw your attention to the e-mail trail between yourself and Laura Donnelly included at the end of your mail. I resent your introduction of yourself as "it's my job to deal with complaints and take abuse from strangers", this was an unnecessary and incredibly unprofessional comment to make regarding a letter that was not abusive, unless of course pointing out perceived faults in an article now constitutes abuse.

 

Regrettably due to these comments I would like to take the matter further. Please could you provide me with the contact details of your superior/s so that I might make a formal complaint.

 

Yours sincerely

 

Jennifer Richardson

 

 

I then received the below e-mail later on yesterday –

 

Jennifer hi

Many thanks for your response.

As regards the main topics of your complaint, it seems to me that we are unlikely to reach agreement: newspapers are always driven by time and space deadlines, and cannot possibly explore all the angles of any given story that might be important to the various constituencies of experience and opinion. Headlines are, by necessity, unsatisfactory vehicles for careful, balanced exploration of a sensitive topic. 

I'm sorry you see my comments as offensive; I am, as I said, very sympathetic to your points and was anxious not to dismiss your complaint unfairly. And as you so rightly point out, my correspondence 'below the line' should not have been included in my email. I apologise for my light-hearted comment to a colleague, which was clearly not intended for you. My object was to attract the attention of a busy colleague in order to get a comment on a complaint that deserved one. Of course you have been in no way abusive, and I certainly didn't mean to imply you had. My sincere apologies.

As you requested, I am copying this email to Ian Marsden, the Managing Editor.

With best wishes, 

--

Jess McAree | Head of Editorial Compliance

 

 

 

I'm glad that my complaint is now being taken seriously, I did Um and Ah about responding as I didn't want to get into the proverbial slanging match with someone via e-mail. But then I realised that if I didn't say something then this kind of story could be run again and do yet more damage  and influence more anti-mental health views.  I also wanted to let them know how unprofessional I thought they were being by leaving the e-mail trail on the end of the message to me. If I had done that in my job I would be in for disciplinary action before I could even type an apology.

 

I know that I am only one small voice against a newspaper staff but I also believe in standing up for what I think is right and challenging outdated views.

 

I'll let you know how the saga progresses ……

 

 

Love Jen

XxxX

A Response From The Daily Telegraph

As some of you will have seen back at the end of April I blogged about an article in The Daily Telegraph entitled "Record Numbers On Happy Pills" (you can visit that blog herehttp://stitchesbeadsrocknroll.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/why-happy-pills-dont-exist-response-to.html?m=1). I was still so incensed by the article that a couple of days later I wrote to The Telegraph.

 

This is my letter –

 

24/04/2014

 

Official Complaint

 

Dear Sirs,

 

I would like to complain about your article of 20^th April 2014 by your health editor Laura Donnelly "Record numbers on happy pills". As a sufferer of mental illness I found your article both personally offensive and dangerously stigmatising to those with mental health problems.

 

Your article centres around the statistic that prescriptions of anti-depressants have risen 25% in the last 3 years. Unfortunately instead of being a good quality balanced look at the issues around the prescription and use of Anti-depressant medication your reporter has used this as an excuse to ridicule those taking these medications and make some awful generalisations.

 

The title of the article – referring to Anti-Depressants as "Happy pills" is a ridiculous, old-fashioned and frankly insulting terminology to be using. Anti-Depressants are not "happy pills", they are designed to try and take the edge off of the hideous low mood that is depression so that the sufferer can attempt to lead a normal life. Labelling them 'Happy Pills' not only completely misleads the reader but belittles anyone taking the medication.

 

Your article states "Experts warned that many Britons were becoming hooked on the drugs and suggested that increasing numbers were turning to medication in the wake of the credit crunch to treat anxiety disorders." Whilst I agree that economic and sociological factors are a factor in the development of mental illnesses we need to be careful in not lumping Depression & Anxiety into the same category. Depression & anxiety can, at times, go hand in hand but are actually two very different conditions. Anxiety covers a wide range of illnesses such as OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), Social Anxiety etc which are completely different to depression.

 

Suggesting that people may become "hooked" on tablets creates fear and the likelihood that people will refuse to take medication that may be the key to helping cure their condition. If I may use myself as an example, if I didn't take my medication I would have no quality of life or be unable to hold down the full time job that I have. Perhaps your writer would be more comfortable with millions of people out of work due to depression rather than using medication to help them create some semblance of a normal life?

 

Another statement that concerns me is"Some psychiatrists said too many doctors were "medicalising" everyday sadness, or handing out pills because there were long waiting times to see a counsellor."  Any full trained GP can tell the difference between being a little sad and the persistent low mood that is an early indication of a depressive episode. When I was first prescribed anti-depressants I had to fill out an extensive questionnaire and discuss my symptoms before my GP would consider prescribing me any medication. Anti-depressants often come with side-effects such as nausea, sleep disorder, weight loss/gain etc so no GP would prescribe a drug to a patient with these side effects without first being sure that this is what was required. Whilst I agree that the waiting times for talking therapies are appalling beginning a course of medication can begin to take the edge of symptoms. I feel that anyone with any experience of a depressive disorder will agree with me that any small improvement in mood and thoughts is of a large benefit.

 

The article consults Dr Joanna Moncrieff, an author on mental health drugs, and consultant psychiatrist at North East London NHS foundation trust for her views, for the most part I agree with the viewpoint she puts forward apart from her closing statement ""As a society, our dependence on antidepressants makes us less resilient and less resourceful in the face of the everyday challenges of modern living,"

 

Claiming that someone with a mental illness is any less "resourceful" or able to cope with day to day life is a dangerous assertion to make, especially from a professional working for the NHS. In my opinion to continue with your day to day life, whether you work or not, with a mental illness is one of the strongest, most resilient things that a human being can do. I'm sure that Dr Moncrieff wouldn't tell an amputee who is struggling with their life-altering condition that they aren't being resilient enough, what difference is there when someone is affected by the levels of Serotonin in their brain. Both are debilitating physical conditions that affect one's ability to carry out day to day activities.

 

In the effort to give the impression of balanced journalism Sophie Corlett from the charity Mind has been asked for her comments (that interestingly totally contradict the tone and opinion of the article), however these are tucked away at the bottom of the article. She points out that the rise in prescriptions may be due to people feeling that they can come forward and get help for a condition that was previously brushed under the carpet and ridiculed.

 

Unfortunately articles like this serve to strengthen the stigma around mental health conditions and threaten to discredit the fantastic work that charities such as Mind & Rethink do to enlighten people about conditions such as depression, bipolar, schizophrenia and PTSD. If we are to overcome stigma about mental illness we need the media's help by ensuring their articles are well-researched and stick to the facts, rather than using unhelpful labels and scaremongering tactics in order to create a catchy headline.

 

I would be interested to receive your comments on the points I have raised in my letter.

 

Yours faithfully

 

 

 

This morning I have had an e-mail from Jess McAree in response to my letter and also a copy of the e-mail trail between her and Laura Donnelly (the author of the original piece) –

 

From: Jess McAree <jess.mcaree@telegraph.co.uk> Sent: Tuesday, 6 May 2014 10:03 To: jenraefrances@gmail.com Subject: Re: scan

 

Dear Jennifer 

Many thanks for your letter of 24th April about our article of April 20th. My apologies that it has taken us to long to get round to replying.

I was sympathetic to the points you raise; nobody wants to give the impression, intentionally or otherwise, than people with mental illness are any less resourceful or able to cope with life. I understand that being personally affected by these issues, you are inevitably sensitive to any such suggestion.

This, however, was not the point of the piece, which was simply to make clear that many professionals believe that we are, as a society, over-medicated. According to the NHS' own guidance, patients prescribed anti-depressants are supposed to be offered them in conjunction with other treatment - for example, psychological therapies. That this is largely not happening is no more than a statement of fact, and an obvious cause for concern. 
In the interest of balance in what is a complex topic, the writer was careful to quote Sophie Corlett, from Mind.

The reference to 'Happy pills' is of course not medically mandated terminology, and I understand that it can be upsetting for some in the context of a discussion about serious mental illness. In headlines, however, newspapers must inevitably resort to succinct and simple idiom to quickly summarise an article's likely content for the reader.

I'm sorry you disagreed with the article, but I am grateful to you for taking the time to write.

Yours sincerely

Jess McAree

 

 

On 6 May 2014 09:21, Laura Donnelly <laura.donnelly@telegraph.co.uk> wrote:

Hi Jess,

I think only to say that I think it's a balanced piece looking at an
issue of public concern, containing a range of views from different
experts, several of whom expressed concern about current trends in
prescribing.

Headlines are always going to be more succinct than the piece is, to
draw the reader in, and I think it was a fair way to do so. No
intention to belittle or stigmatise anyone - one of the points the
piece makes is that according to NHS guidance, those prescribed
anti-depressants are supposed to be offered them in conjunction with
other treatment, such as psychological therapies. This often isn't
happening, which I felt was an important issue highlighted in the
piece.

Best,
Laura

Laura Donnelly
Health Editor
The Telegraph
0207 931 3562
07890 840996

> On 6 May 2014, at 08:53, Jess McAree <jess.mcaree@telegraph.co.uk> wrote:
>
> Laura hi
>
> You don't know me; I'm the new Head of Editorial Compliance. It's my job to
> deal with complaints and take abuse from strangers.
>
> We got this through the other day (see attachment). It's a fairly standard
> 'this is my opinion and I don't like yours' complaint, but before I reply
> telling her so I wondered if you had any comments?
>
> Many thanks

 

 

 

I have to admit I was initially taken aback by the direct response to me from Ms McAree, that seemed to suggest that being mentally ill makes me over-sensitive. I think the e-mail also misses most of the points I raised, I actually agree with the article in that anti-depressants should be used in conjunction with talking therapies (in fact I state this in my letter). However they have not responded to any of my points regarding the suggestion that people are "hooked on tablets", "everyday sadness being medicalised" or my point that they are mixing up totally different mental illnesses. Their excuse for the use of "Happy Pills" in the title is also pretty weak, having studied journalistic techniques at college during 2 years of Media Studies I am well aware that a snappy title serves to draw the reader in. This still does not excuse the use of an offensive and completely incorrect term. 

 

I was most upset by the e-mail from Jess McAree to Laura Donnelly where Ms McAree introduces herself as "It's my job to deal with complaints and take abuse from strangers". When writing the letter I re-drafted it countless times in order to ensure it was calm, collected and most importantly in no way could be construed as abusive. To suggest that I was sending any kind of abuse is, quite frankly, ridiculous.

 

I'd love to know what you all think? Am I over-reacting due to having a mental health problem? Or do I have a genuine reason to be furious?

 

Love Jen

XxxX

A Big Thank You!

I had my Rethink fundraising party on Saturday and raised £190! I'm so chuffed that we managed to raise so much, I had set myself a target to raise around £50 but I was blown away by how generous guests at the party and people in mine & Mum's workplaces who bought raffle tickets and donated cake and raffle prizes.

 

I'll admit that I did find the sheer amount of people that turned up quite daunting and did spend a large portion of the afternoon hiding in the tea tent under the pretence of taking tea orders. Don't get me wrong, I'm so so glad that lots of people turned up but I do still find crowds of people quite unsettling. My anxiety has only just started to come down today, in fact I've been pretty highly strung all weekend. 

The main thing is that people seemed to enjoy themselves at the party, despite almost running out of cake which involved me running down to the corner shop and purchasing an emergency Chocolate Swiss Roll. The quiz was good fun too, although I did note some cheating going on between teams situated towards the end of the garden ……..

 

The objective of the exercise was not only to raise the money for Rethink but also to prove to myself that I am capable of holding these kind of events without having a total meltdown, and looking back on it now, with the space of a couple of days I think I did pretty well. I was quite panicky at the party but not to the extent that I totally freaked out. And yes I did enjoy it for the most part, aside from panicking that people would starve due to cake depravation.

 

Thank you to everyone who helped me organise the event, came to the event, bought raffle tickets, bought jewellery, donated raffle prizes or donated their time.‎ I hope you all had fun!

 

Raising money and awareness for Rethink tasted pretty good! And of course eating cake for charity halves the calories right???

 

Love Jen

XxxX

 

Ps if anyone would still like to donate then you can do so through my Just Giving page -www.virginmoneygiving.com/team/teaclub

 

week of fabulous friends

Hi everyone, firstly I'd like to say thank you so much for everyone's support following my previous blog post. I wasn't sure whether to write it at the time but I have promised to show all aspects of my mental health and all it's ups and downs on here. 

This week has been far better thank god! It started with a Mexican themed party at my friend's Luke & Barry's last Saturday.

It was a brilliant night, I was introduced to my first ever fishbowl cocktail (well OK saucepan cocktail since the fish bowl had disappeared) and also to refried beans yum! Seeing as a few short months ago I would never have been able to enjoy an evening like that I went home on a big high! 

Some piccies- 

L-r James, Luke, Lydia, Me, Patch, Barry & Hilary

L-r me, James, Luke, Hilary & Lydia

I took the opportunity to make myself a sugar skull headband

Who knew a rakish moustache would suit me so well?

The next day in a shockingly un-hungover state I visited my Grandma and Grandad with Chris and Vana and managed to take this cute bee photo in their garden.

Me and Helen had Monday and Tuesday off and had a brilliant couple of days. Monday saw us with extreme property envy when we visited Gem's new place. It's a converted barn in Wilmington and is overlooked by an old priory, some stables and a church. The back garden looks right out over some of the best Sussex countryside that we have. In a word it's just gorgeous! 

The barn and the priory

We went for a walk down to the church and saw the oldest Yew tree in the country.

Just the view from Gem's back door, nothing special ......

Did I mention the spectacular sunsets?

Helen with Ellie 

Gem, Helen & that countryside I mentioned 

Gem is also working on her first series of young adult fiction and it's brilliant if I saw so myself! Find her on Facebook

https://m.facebook.com/gemmahumphreyauthor?fref=ts&_rdr with links to her Wattpad and website.

On Tuesday I was the victim of a sneaky plot by two of my best friends. I was taken to Brighton by Helen under the pretence of a visit to the Sealife Centre but who should we bump into at the station but Kay! I'all admit I went straight to pieces with the surprise and soaked Kay's jacket shoulder (sorry about that!). We had a wonderful day walking around as well as stopping for the traditional rainbow cake!

In Wagamma with the sneakiest friends in the world!

Ttomorrow is my fundraising event for Rethink and I'm finally ready, the bunting is drawn and final bags and bits of jewellery made! 

 

I'm going to sign off by saying thank you so much to all my friends who've rallied around this week and cheered me up this week. It means the world. 

Love Jen

XxxX