Which leads me to wonder what I should do when life no longer brings me joy? When everything that you use to try and make life more bearable is either taken away or no longer works.
The big things that help, gigs and airshows have been wiped off the face of the earth. My last hope for an airshow this coming weekend, Duxford, has now been cancelled due to the rise in Covid cases because some titheads can't follow the rules.
The little but regular things that help aren't doing it either. I've no interest in listening to music, can't get into reading. Leaving the house is becoming an anxiety minefield. Meeting up with friends is handicapped by the excruciating embarrassment I feel about my weight gain.
The worst of it are the 'shoulds' and shouldn'ts, I should eat better and lose the weight I'm so embarrassed about, I should go out for walks whilst the weather is still nice before Autumn sets in and sends things depressing, I should tidy my room because it looks like a dust covered pig stye. I shouldn't nap all day as its a waste, I shouldn't bother with pretty clothes because they'll only look awful on my fat self. I shouldn't bother with Halloween shopping and decorations as that's bound to cancel or I won't be bothered nearer the time.
At night before I go to bed I think about all this and just wonder why I'm hanging on. When I sleep all I have are flashbacks and nightmares about being back at school or the multitude of jobs that have gone shit-shaped over the years. I've had to stop my EMDR sessions because the memories and feelings they brought up were too much to deal with.
Wonder what Marie Kondo would have to suggest about a life with no joy?
Love Jen
XxxX
