It's generally the accepted thing in society nowadays to put a brave face or positive spin on whatever malady or unfortunate event befalls you, perhaps it's the remains of the British 'Stiff Upper Lip' culture. Today we read or hear constant stories of people who've lost limbs or have chronic illnesses who go on to run marathons or compete at a top level in their chosen field. And that's fantastic, that they have the strength of mind to get through the adversity, possibly in the manner of the Black Knight from Monty Python who was undefeated despite losing all his limbs! That's a comic example but there are people who through amazing, almost bloody mindedness refuse to be beaten and fight on.
I don't know whether it's just me, or whether other people find that this kind of attitude is now the expected thing of everyone with any kind of problem. There's often a culture of "and?" in relation to people's disabilities or problems. A case point being that I felt I had to be back at work 48 hours after a friend's suicide and just carry on as normal. People look down on you if you just say "I can't!" People tutt when they're walking behind someone with a walking stick or in a wheelchair, as if the person should be moving at the speed of the rest of the crowd (admittedly when out with Kay if she gets tutted out I can deploy the 'accidental' elbow to the offender).
If you admit defeat and don't achieve anything 'despite your problems' you feel like a failure and weak-minded. I particularly feel this with my mental problems. Because it's an invisible condition, I don't have a stick, second head, rash of any kind (although I seem to have grown eczema all over in the last year, most irritatingly on my face (thank heavens for wearing my hair over it!) you're just expected to move at the same pace as everyone else, have the same abilities and life goals. Or alternatively any mistake you make or something people don't like about you then it's perfectly acceptable to blame the illness. People, I don't wear black, enjoy the company of bunnies and unicorns because I'm ill - I like them because it's me!
The last few days it has really hit home how limiting my illness is. Moving into my own place is not an option, I can barely cope with living in my own room on bad days, if I was in my own place I just wouldn't bother to move when I'm on a low. No-one would force me out of bed and into the shower and out the house. When I'm having an OCD breakdown I wouldn't be able to distract myself by talking to someone, it would be 4 walls and my own thoughts. Even sharing with a friend wouldn't work as they'd soon tire of my ups and downs and constant needs for re-assurance and foul moods.
Being in a relationship isn't an option either. There's no way I can open my true self up to someone with all my faults and flaws and since good relationships are based upon trust it would be onto a loser straight away! Who wants to be stuck with a clingy person who borders on paranoia? Someone who can be flipped into despair by a percieved slight or cross word or by the same token can flip myself into fury or misery at a moments notice, often without reason. I'd immediately be in the territory of 'psycho-bitch from hell'. Heaven forbid I meet someone with kids on the agenda, I can't have kids, it's too dangerous. Imagine the physical or emtional damage a mother like me could do to a baby or child? If I can't be employed in the most menial, stress-limited environment lest I flip out how the hell could I cope with the trials and tribulations of looking after a kid? Especially with the high likelyhood of the hormones during pregnancy and birth sending me completely over the edge.
So how does one achieve what's expected of my by society when I can't -
Be trusted to live on my own or look after myself
Be in a relationship
Have a 'good' job
Have kids
I'm pretty sure that running a marathon isn't going to help that!
Love (weak mindedly) Jen
XxxX
