Autumn Blues

 September is here and with it brings my annual Autumn and Winter sadness. Not content with being the bane of my life all year round my mental illness likes to pop dark half of the year struggles as a cherry on top.

Obviously my struggles with this time of year go way back, even as a kid I remember feeling sad when the days shortened and the temperature dropped along with the leaves. Most people love Autumn and it's colours and seasonal drinks (pumpkin spiced white hot chocolate if you're offering) and even I 'm not immune to snapping photos of red and orange trees but to me it's a sign of things to come. 

"But Jen" I here you cry "What about Halloween, warm drinks, being cosy?" . Whilst it's true that Halloween is my favourite day of the year and I love decorating for it and, back in more normal times, hosting parties the holiday is about welcoming the dark half of the year and that's what I struggle with.

I think part of the problem is that the UK's Autumns are mostly not the picture postcards of beautiful colours that you see from America but rather battleship grey skies, rain and wind. I can handle the strong winds but I utterly despise rain.

Of course even I can work out where my real psychological problems stem from, nobody needs to be  a genius there, it's the time of skipping off back to school and I don't need to recount everything here but you all know what happened there. Let me explain how big a problem this became. When I was younger we always used to go on holiday to France for the last two weeks of August immediately after the airshow. Whilst I tried so hard to immerse myself in the good times the moment we got on the ferry at Newhaven to go across to Europe my depression would start. 

I used to hate myself for it and think there was something wrong and ungrateful about me for being so unhappy when so many people would have loved to be on holiday with their far. Looking back of course this was my BPD making itself known. In the back of my mind I knew the days were counting down until I'd be returning to my own personal hell. 

Aside from September being 'back to school' it also seems to coincide with other bad times, I don't know if it's all related but two of the times I've been signed off work have been at this time of year.

I think what's making this year a struggle already is my inactivity and losing the energy and confidence to do things over this summer. I feel like I've 'slept through summer' and I know this is no-one's fault but my own but the meds that I'm on plus just sleeping off bad moods have constantly conspired to make staying in bed the only viable option at times. Add to that a second year of a lack of my normal summer activities makes me feel like once again the season has been wasted. Whilst I'm incredibly grateful that I made it to Bournemouth Air show yesterday I've now got 'post fun event' blues to contend with too 🤦.

I'm struggling to cope with the idea of Autumn already and we're only 6 days into September ......

Love Jen

XxxX

What Would Marie Kondo Do?

I don't know if any of you guys have watched the Marie Kondo series that's been on Netflix just over a year? Where she goes into people's houses and helps them declutter and tidy up. Having an exceptionally tidy friend I watched all of them 🤣 and this morning I can't help thinking back to her rule that if something doesn't bring you joy then you should declutter it. 

Which leads me to wonder what I should do when life no longer brings me joy? When everything that you use to try and make life more bearable is either taken away or no longer works.

The big things that help, gigs and airshows have been wiped off the face of the earth. My last hope for an airshow this coming weekend, Duxford, has now been cancelled due to the rise in Covid cases because some titheads can't follow the rules.

The little but regular things that help aren't doing it either. I've no interest in listening to music, can't get into reading. Leaving the house is becoming an anxiety minefield. Meeting up with friends is handicapped by the excruciating embarrassment I feel about my weight gain.

The worst of it are the 'shoulds' and shouldn'ts, I should eat better and lose the weight I'm so embarrassed about, I should go out for walks whilst the weather is still nice before Autumn sets in and sends things depressing, I should tidy my room because it looks like a dust covered pig stye. I shouldn't nap all day as its a waste, I shouldn't bother with pretty clothes because they'll only look awful on my fat self. I shouldn't bother with Halloween shopping and decorations as that's bound to cancel or I won't be bothered nearer the time. 

At night before I go to bed I think about all this and just wonder why I'm hanging on. When I sleep all I have are flashbacks and nightmares about being back at school or the multitude of jobs that have gone shit-shaped over the years. I've had to stop my EMDR sessions because the memories and feelings they brought up were too much to deal with. 

Wonder what Marie Kondo would have to suggest about a life with no joy? 

Love Jen

XxxX

EMDR Diaries - Chapter 1

For those of you who have the, er, pleasure (?) to follow me on social media (Twitter jenraefrances and Instagram jenraefrances very original I know!) you'll have see than I've started a treatment called EMDR (Click here  for more info about EMDR, if that's a bit wordy then a YouTube link is coming up!). 

The aim of EMDR is to help the brain re-process traumatic memories which will, in theory, 
 help stop my extreme reactions to certain stimuli and triggers. My Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) has been worsening since the summer which lead to me attemping suicide back in August (See my blog Cold Hard Facts - ***Trigger warning***). Whilst my bad memories will always be there, this treatment won't magically erase them but it will allow my brain to process the bullying, assault, loss etc correctly and hopefully lessen their impact.

I found a really useful YouTube video that explains it in a less Sci-Fi way. 

This video shows how an EDMR session works -

Before I started the treatment I was warned by my counsellor that the treatment can be tough as I'll be connecting with a lot of memories and emotions that my brain has repressed. I've been warned that I'll feel very unsettled for a number of days after each session There was also the likelihood that I'll have physical symptoms like tingling and twitches as my brain works to re-wire itself. To try and counter-act this my counsellor and I have been working on 'safe places' in my mind that I can access after the sessions to calm me such as airshows and happy memories. I have a long list of bad things to tackle, the usual suspects - bullying, loss etc so this will be a long slog. 

To start me off as gently as possible my counsellor, Helaine, has decided to start with the 'Memory Stick incident' from back in 2014. When you read any of my blogs from the summer of 2014, prior to being signed off in the Autumn, you'll be able to see the state I was left in (my blog Stuck from the time gives an idea, just bear in mind that at the time I was still working on the theory that I had Bi Polar rather than BPD). Now that I'm long gone from that job I can explain more about what went on and what the EMDR will be tackling. 

To cut a long story short whilst working for a local NHS Team I posted a memory stick to a nursing home containing patient information and it was lost in the post. This kicked off a massive incident as of course patient privacy was compromised (something that I never argued against and went out of my way to own up to), during the course of this it was decided to review my recent work and it was found that I had sent an information pack to an incorrect address (I still maintain that I was given the wrong details but that's neither here nor there). After that all of my work was scrutinised and management were constantly digging for mistakes I'd made. When I tried to stand up for myself I was told that I was "playing the mental health card" to avoid getting into trouble. The whole situation lead to my health spiralling out of control, loads of self-harming and my being signed off of work and eventually leaving. 

As we started the session Helaine asked me to bring this time to mind. I then had to watch the light bar that you saw in the video above for a few moments at a time (initially I made the mistake of trying to concentrate too hard on it and not follow the light bar but it turns out that once you've brought the memory to the front of your mind it stays there even when you're concentrating on the bar). The effect was immediate, I started having random tinglings and small pressures across my chest and throat (these are the spots where I normally 'feel stress', some people get knotted stomachs or breathlessness when they're stressed whereas mine sticks 'higher') and twinges in my shoulders.  

After the initial effects of the tinglings and pressures I actually stopped feeling anything for a little while until I suddenly got really tearful when I was struck by how much I'd loved my previous job working in the records library from 2010-2011 (you can read my memories of the time here). One of the things with the EMDR is that sudden insights will appear either during the session or in the days following about the memory you've been working on. Whilst I won't share the 'insights' I gained about my job I lost the memory stick with as they aren't pretty, I did realise that I was an easy target as I'm crap at standing up for myself or pointing out that I was the sole admin dealing with over 2000 cases, I did gain some interesting insights about my 'happy time' in the library; I realised that work was actually my 'safe space' and helped me cope with crap life threw at me at the time (my Grandad passing away, the breakdown of my 6 year relationship among other things) and still carry on smiling. I realised that I was 'mourning' that time so to speak, not just the job itself or that it was a good time in my life for travelling and having fun. But mourning the loss of that safety, positivity and most importantly the friends I left behind when I moved on, colleagues who made me feel welcome from day one and included me and, most importantly, were only ever nice to me. The ironic thing is that the only reason I left was because my hours had been cut to 3 days a week ....

The session ended with 'grounding' me again, accessing my 'happy/safe' space and putting me back into a calm mindset.

In the days following an EMDR session you can be left quite unsettled both mentally and physically (in some cases apparently you can be left twitchy or tingly for a couple of days). Physically I was fine, aside from some shoulder tension, but I've had a lot of work-related bad dreams or general anxiety dreams. The dreams have mostly been around a different job I had prior to the library when I was bullied (another reason I loved the library so much, no-one screamed across the room or down the phone at me!), having to start working there again and seeing the managers who made my life hell. I've also been quite low and tearful feeling as well as a slight stressed feeling bubbling away in the background. 

My next session will be a week Tuesday and we'll continue to work on this memory until my brain has processed it properly and it no longer brings up the emotional response anymore. After that we'll move onto other subjects which I admit to being quite nervous about, if I cried whilst working through this 'not too bad' memory lord knows how I'll be when focusing on losing Stelly or school. I want to try and keep up a blog of my EMDR experiences on the off chance that someone who's curious about the treatment or, like me, is trying it out for the first time will stumble across it in the depths of the interwebs and might find it helpful.

If the EMDR helps even just a bit then it'll be worth it, if I can have just a bit of breathing space then I can start piecing things back together a bit. It's not a cure and it won't remove my BPD, OCD and self-harming tendencies but what it can do is help unblock my brain to give me a better chance at reigning them in a bit.

Love Jen
XxxX

A Guide To One Of Those Days

A simple guide to one of those days.

This day got itself in gear bright and early with a series of panic attacks from 4am, the early attack gets the worm don’t you know?

Who needs breakfast when you’re choking so hard on anxiety it’s hard to even get a cup of tea down.

What better way to spend mid-morning than hiding in a consultant’s office ‘to scan’ because the slightest word or look will send you into a meltdown of ugly crying.

Try not to wince every time sexual assault/abuse is mentioned on the radio (on the hour every hour!), triggers do feel free to play up with no consideration to how I’m feeling.

Always keep a tight bite on your tongue when you’re quizzed as to what you’re having for lunch as the thought of food turns your already plummeting stomach.

Grumble to yourself that for the last month the radio station has decided to play a Jennifer Lopez song at approximately 11am each day, ponder to yourself how she is still relevant.

Prepare to repeat the above until bedtime when you’ll struggle to get off to or stay asleep without the obligatory OCD, anxiety or remembering upsetting things.

And repeat.

You have a nice day now! 

Love Jen

XxxX