My friend Ian suggested that I may actually be on the Autistic Spectrum, at first I wasn't sure although as we were walking along I asked if being 'on the spectrum' might account for how clumsy I am...... Just as I walked into a post 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️.
I decided to look into the possibility of having an ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) and it turns out that I fit a lot of the criteria. Historically ASD has been far more likely to be diagnosed in boys and young men than it has in girls and young women. Girls often learn to'mask' their symptoms from an early age and are apparently notoriously hard to diagnose, hence a lot of women not being diagnosed with Autism or other disorders such as ADHD or Dyspraxia until well into adulthood.
I read some articles online and also spoke to a friend who was only diagnosed with ADHD in her 30s who offered me a lot of insight. I didn't want to self-diagnose via Dr Google so I did a deep dive into the subject (a classic 'intense interest'). I started by asking my Counsellor if she thought I could have both BPD & OCD and she said it was most likely that my BPD grew out of the problems and traumas caused by being on the spectrum.
I found an author called Sarah Hendrickx and her book Women And Girls With Autistic Spectrum Disorder which gave me so many 'lightbulb' moments. Another book I found useful was I Think I Might Be Autistic by Cynthia Kim. There was also a wealth of information on YouTube channels such as Yo Samdy Sam, The Aspie Word and Purple Ella. However one video stuck out for me in particular which was Autism & Borderline Personality Disorder by Kate Emily Brinly. Watching it was like watching someone describe my childhood and teenage years and the struggles I had.
So what are the symptoms that have led me to consider ASD as a possibility? First off and the most obvious I would say is my 'weirdness' (or 'individuality' on a good day), since I was a really young kid I've always felt different and strange. I wouldn't react to things in the same way other kids did, I would struggle with anything different to what I expected (I remember a meltdown because we had a supply teacher one day), I was always happier reading or playing alone, at lunchtimes I would rather spend time with the dinner ladies than my friends who I'd invariably been dropped by.Obviously the move to secondary school was hell, looking back now I think this is where a lot of my emotional 'BPD' symptoms grew from. This was where I was badly bullied and sexually assaulted and had to deal with constantly shifting situations, taking people who were pretending to be my friends for their own ulterior motives at face value.
One of my most obvious symptoms that any of my friends and family will recognise is my, er slightly obsessive personality to put it mildly. From micro-obsessions that don't last long (although this has been useful in focusing me on my research) to the all consuming ones about people, music, films (although I think watching Top Gun or The Lion King repeatedly is a talent!), stories or er planes. My family and friends have had to put up with so much waffling and repeating about them over the years (another thing that made me a target at school was talking about them to anyone who would listen) and probably being bored stiff by them 😳.
There are absolutely tons more characteristics that fit me and my life experience - being incredibly sensitive to other's moods & actions or topics that upset me, missing social queues such as when to and not to talk (sorry I interrupt so much), being good at some subjects (English, Languages) and appalling at others (Maths or anything with numbers brings me out in a cold sweat), clinginess to those I trust and escaping to into my own fantasy worlds to avoid the difficulties and hurt of real life. There are others I could list but this would be more like a novel than a blog 😂.
On Friday I plucked up the courage to message my GP and ask for a referral to be assessed for Autism. Not only did he reply almost immediately but also praised me for all the research I'd done. This gave me such a sense of relief that I was believed enough to go through to the 'next stage' of the diagnostic process. The waiting list for an appointment is incredibly long so it may be quite a wait to be seen but I do feel confident that I should get the diagnosis.
I hope that if I do get the diagnosis I can start to forgive myself for the way I acted when I was younger that made me a target. It really wasn't 'my fault' I actually couldn't help it, it's how my brain has developed.
I shall keep you guys updated on the progress of my getting a diagnosis 🤞🏻🤞🏻.
Love Jen
XxxX
Ps A Plane Geek on the spectrum who'dve thought it 😱😂😂😂
