A Case Of The Grokes

In the traditional British manner tonight I choose to blog about the weather. Yesterday's traditional bank holiday weather confirmed my fears that Autumn is well on it's way.

Unlike many people I don't relish the changing of the seasons or celebrate their variety. I'm a summer girl through and through. I love the blazing hot sun, warm breeze caressing my skin and lifting my hair, long and light evenings, the sun coming up long before my alarm goes off. I don't even mind the humid nights because I know that all too soon summer will be gone again.

 I associate summer with freedom, that long holiday from school where I wouldn't ‎face hell every day, being able to go out after work for a walk knowing that I won't have to worry about the sun setting early or getting home and putting the buns straight onto the grass for a run around in the evening sunshine. Barbecues, sitting in the garden listening to music until late, festivals, airshows, being able to plan days out and it hopefully not raining. 

I tend to think of the Sunday of Airbourne being the last day of summer, every year the weather changes either that day or immediately after for the worst. A little Autumn gloom creeps in. 

Lots of people I know love Autumn, I enjoy it's spectacular colours for a day or so and the September issues of magazines but all it does is serve to remind me of what's to come. It's back to school or work after the summer holiday (or in my case the Airbourne holiday). Back to the bullying then and the problems now. Gradually the weather worsens, the temperature drops and the days get darker.

Then we have winter. You'll notice I've included pictures of The Groke from The Moomins at the start of this blog, in Tove Jansson's books she represents winter and it's darkness. When I was a kid watching the more modern Moomin cartoons she frightened the life out of me and gave me nightmares. It also turns out that she represents winter depression which probably explains why she still scares me! 

Winter is just dark to me, I find little joy in any of it's aspects.‎ The weather is cold and wet, there is little light to be found anywhere. Not a good recipe for anyone with a depressive side to their nature. I like Halloween obviously, which celebrates the darkness, it's like my Christmas. I struggle with Christmas and New Year, I find it hard to be celebratory when it's so dark and dull. 

I really hope the weather will prove me wrong and give us a few more scorching days before the 'summer' is out, especially as me and Helen are supposed to be going to Shoreham Airshow this weekend (although as we know when I look foward to something it doesn't happen or goes wrong ala the Airbourne weather!). Keep your fingers crossed please!

I guess it's time to start preparing for hibernation......

Love Jen

XxxX

Masquerade

Tonight I'm attending my first ever Masquerade in honour of my friend Luke's birthday. I'm going for a 1920s look (I blame my F Scott Fitzgerald and more importantly my Zelda Fitzgerald obsession). I've been putting the outfit together since first thing this morning and have even dusted off my Grandma's pearls for the occasion. The only part of the costume missing is the all important mask.

Tonight's soiree has led me to think about the concept of Masquerade balls, everyone is disguised until midnight when they remove their masks. Almost like a real-life Cinderella when the magic wears off. When guests are under their masks they are free to behave as they like, free to cast off their normal social constraints because until the clock strikes midnight they are mysterious and more importantly anonymous. 

I love the idea of mystery and creating your own character for a few short hours. A wallflower can be a wild party girl, a shy guy can be a dashing prince. There are no normal rules. No-one knows who's behind the mask or what they're thinking. 

Sometimes I think we as a society could do with a little more Masquerade in our lives. People quite literally air their dirty laundry on shows like Jeremy Kyle or put themselves under 24 hours surveillance on Big Brother in the hope of winning fame and fortune. 

The same goes on amongst us normal folk too, nowadays  people's everyday lives ‎fill our social media feeds - it's become the norm to post photos of what you're having for dinner, selfies, your kids in stupid hats etc. I must be clear here, I'm not having a pop at social media, I think it's a wonderful tool of communication (and where else would I get my cute animal photo fix than from Twitter?) but I can remember a time before social oversharing. 

When I was at school and college I had no idea what people outside my immediate friendship group were doing outside in their own time. If someone trusted you to tell you something about their personal lives such as an engagement, maybe a pregnancy or passed exams it was special, nowadays it's there on Facebook for all to read. You can read about Z-list celebrities' latest love trials in an instant be it through their own accounts or through Hello or Ok magazine 'exclusives'. Have you ever noticed though that these starlets are not the ones we look up to and wish to emulate? Big stars like Angelina toe the line between mystery and revelation expertly. They choose a few titbits to reveal to the world but keep everything else to themselves, make them more mysterious and alluring in the process.

I am forced to wear a mask of my own much of the time. Sadly it's not a fancy glitter and lace number! I have to wear the plain mask of a regular girl to fit in at work especially and hide that I'm not altogether there. The workplace at the moment is becoming more like a shark pool by the day, with extra chum being thrown in all the time, and I can't afford to let my mask slip.

So tonight I shall be playing the part of a normal, 27 year old girl out for a good time and a dance or two, trying to swim away from the circling teeth.

Love Jen

XxxX

Reflections From An Insomniac

When you can't sleep it gives you lots of pondering time. You think about things you've done, things you're doing, things you wish you'd done, things you should have done, things people think you should be doing. 

The end of Airbourne tends to signal the end of the summer for me and the onset of Autumn and Winter. I only really like Summer, spring is ok but still too cold, I can enjoy one or two days of Autumn colours before I mourn the passing of summer. Winter is just dark and depressing. 

It also alerts me to how fast the year passes, it seems like only a few weeks ago that it was the start of the year and I was beginning to feel well again for the first time in so long, sadly that didn't last (cheers work). 

Which leads inevitably to the "should be doing" train of thought. If you asked me 10 years ago what I thought I'd be doing age 27 I'd probably have declared that I didn't know, didn't really care but I was sure that it was something cool, that I'd have life figured out. I've learnt that actually the older you get the more questions life raises and the less you actually feel or are in control of the path you walk. I actually had life figured out far better at 17 than I do now.

When I look at what other people I knew from that time are up to now they seem to have it figured out nicely. In my group of friends from college we have 4 marriages, 3 kids (with one due soon to make it 4), one engagement and lots of jobs with career prospects between us (and no none of them apply to me). When did everyone suddenly grow up?  And how did they manage to figure everything out?

I certainly don't want to settle down into marriage and babies. For a start there is the strong possibility that I can't actually have kids 'cos having Adenomyosis carries a high miscarriage rate. The other factor is the extra hormones whizzing around would tip my fragile Bipolar balance completely off the charts and endanger me and my baby. ‎Which is why I refuse to take an interest in kids, I can't let myself connect with something that isn't a possibility for me as it would just hurt all the more should I get broody like I used to be. So I politely nod when people at work gush over their grand children or wave photos at me. I gracefully decline to hold babies that visit the office. I'm genuinely happy for my friends with kids or who are soon due but I have to leave it at that for my own sanity.

When I was younger all I wanted was to be married and have kids. If me and Adi could have afforded it when I left college we would have taken the plunge there and then, we were engaged after only 9 months of being together but we were crazy in love. Looking back now it would have been stupid to bring a baby into that situation with his family and my already deteriorating mental health.

I wouldn't say I was burned by the ending of our relationship but I have no desire whatsoever to ever be in a relationship again. People always think it's odd when I tell them this, but I put so much of myself and my love into that relationship for someone who in the end evidently didn't love me like I loved him and always had priorities other than our relationship and supporting me. The thought of having someone that close to me physically again makes me feel sick. 

When I say that I've been single for 3 years now people react with an odd expression of pity, even when I tell them that I am much happier on my own I get polite "she can't really mean that" looks. But truth be told I am honestly happier. I have an amazing best friend, Helen who is more like a sister to me who has given me more support and cared for me more in the time that I have known her than my ex did for the nearly 7 years we were together.

I have my friends from school and college who I am overjoyed to have back in my life. ‎I've travelled to America and Europe, had far more interesting experiences and seen some fantastic things. I would never have connected with my crafty side if I was bringing up a kid, let alone be able to go out with my camera on a whim. 

I also know that a sparkling, fantastic career isn't on the cards for me (unless of course Planes TV call!). As you know stress tips my mood cycle on it's head and sets off all my anxieties, insomnia (although we can thank that for tonight's, well actually this morning since it's nearly 1am's, blog), self-harm and other friendly habits. 

Admittedly I've never been particularly career orientated, I just want a job that isn't too taxing on my fried brain, no weekends, sensible hours with time off for Airshows, holidays and gigs with nice people to work with. Until recently my job was just that, but with everything that's going on it's become a real struggle to force myself to turn up each day. 

I shouldn't really be stressing about my lot in life, I'm so so lucky in most of the things I've just mentioned, to have friends, a family, two gorgeous bunnies, a roof over my head. But sometimes you just have to wonder.

Love Jen

XxxxX

More Airbourne Fun!

It's 3 down and only 1 day left to go of this year's airshow (small sob). 

On Friday I watched the flying from my window, making the trip to the end of the road for the Red Arrows & the Typhoon. Me and Helen also watched the Lancasters from a field near me and were lucky enough to have our own private flypast from them!

Helen waiting for Lancasters

Good enough view?

I got buzzed by The Reds

Today I returned to 'my' spot on the beach to geek away. We finally had a day where the sun stayed out, making everything seem extra sparkly and the colour schemes on the various planes flying really pop.

Here's a few piccies -

*insert witty "it's raining men" comment here*

Tutor

P51 Mustang

This is how close the reds get!

The Lancasters over the pier

The Battle Of Britain Memorial Flight's Spitfire

Dakota over the pier

Vampire

The Blades crazy flying again

2 seat Spitfire

The Mighty Typhoon!

A big thanks to everyone who's favourited, like or left comments on my photos on Twitter and Facebook, if you like these then there are a whole lot more over on my Flickr account.

Love Jen

XxxX

On Cloud 9 with Airbourne

As you all know I'm a self-certified plane geek and sometimes think that if I could attend an airshow a week then it would cure a lot of my problems! I tend to feel awkward in most situations 'cos I simply don't fit into them but airshows are a whole new ball game, I feel comfortable around fellow geeks snapping away at the sky. 

Don't mess with the geek in the polka dot poncho!

I always feel proud of Eastbourne every year at the effort we make with the Airshow, this year they've added a stage with various acts performing throughout the day - I'll admit I was initially suspicious of this but then I realised that if the stage attracts people who wouldn't normally bother with the airshow who then chuck a few pennies in the collection buckets or spends money at the stalls then it helps support the airshow for the next year.

Some hardcore geeks can be a little disparaging about seafront airshows like Airbourne and I will always leap to my hometown's show defence pointing out that for 4 free days we get a show that you'd pay £15/20 to get into elsewhere. Even during the disastrous 2008 airshow when they decided to experiment with charging each day I went, I maintained that £5 a day was still a bargain!

The organisers have learnt from that experience and it has remained free ever since whilst still maintaining a pretty damn good line-up. I hear moans and groans that the line-up isn't what it used to be and I badly miss the Tornados, Harriers and Jaguars of yesteryear but these aren't available anymore, currently the only display teams the RAF offers (due to cutbacks imposed by the government - but that's another rant for another day) are The Red Arrows, The Typhoon, The Chinook, The Tucano, The Tutor and The Falcons parachute team. All of these aside from The Falcons are featuring this weekend with the Red Arrows all 4 days which is a pretty damn big deal! This year's major coup is of course the Canadian Lancaster 'Vera' the only other flying Lancaster in the world who is doing a short tour with the RAF's Battle Of Britain Memorial Flight this summer and we had the honour of being the first show she appeared at (more of that later).

Airbourne is a very firmly  family-centered show and plays to the crowd by booking lots of areobatics teams such as The Blades and the RV8TORS and whilst I can't say I'm particularly enamored with the wingwalkers (my stance is that I would love to give it a go but wouldn't make a whole beach full of people watach me!) I also figure that if some kid falls in love with flying or aviation whilst looking skywards this weekend and goes on to become an RAF or commercial pliot/ground crew or makes technological advances in the future then I'm all for putting up with girls stood on Boeing Stearmans!

Today we were incredibly lucky with the weather, aside from one torrential downpour before the show started it was all dry, despite some very threatening looking clouds! My highlights were the BBMF with the Canadian Lancaster and the Red Arrows. Here's a few highlights -

The show opened with the Tigers Parachute Team and yes I would try this at home!

The RAF displayed both their trainer types the Tutor & the Tucano -

Tutor

Tucano

Wingwalkers

No introduction needed for the Spitfire

Helicopters aren't supposed to backflip right? Well no unless you are a Lynx!

I love the P51 Mustang

 and I love the whistle she makes too (this is caused by the wind rushing over the machine gun placements on her - geek fact of the day)

The Blades doing some of that 'Crazy Flying'

Look how close they get!

I won't lie, I shed a few tears watching the two Lancasters together -

Coming in over the pier

The Canadian's 'Vera'

Our lady 'Thumper'

Here come the girls

The sun came out for the Jet Provost

The Mighty Reds

Just one more request for the Airbourne organisers ..... please, please, please, please book the Vulcan again then I can make videos like this ...

Love Jen

XxxX

Stuck

I try to put a positive spin on my Bipolar Disorder, claiming that it's great 'cos it helps my creativity and the good moods, when they come are awesome. But sometimes it comes and smacks you in the face that it is a limiting, problem causing, thoroughly unpleasant condition. It's caused me so many problems in my job which has the knock on effect of me being under review and studied under a critical microscope. I've asked for help and support from work and pretty much been told to put up and shut up, accused of playing the 'disability card' (I know I probably shouldn't be writing about this on here but I just don't give a flying f**k anymore) when trying to stand up for myself.

 

I keep trying to access help for my moods that are rapidly spinning out of control, work HR won't help, all my GP can do is give me more tablets, Occ Health attached to work won't entertain signing me off. It just feels like every professional is washing their hands of me and, as ever, my family and friends are being left to pick up the pieces. I wonder how off the wall do I have to be to be taken seriously? Do I literally have to turn up at A&E threatening to harm myself just to get some help and advice?  

 

Then I have to consider what work should I be doing? Am I not cut out for anything other than stacking shelves or filing records? Sadly there's not a Bipolar job agency I can wander to, although I have to laugh at the thought that it would probably run super-fast half the time and reaaaaallllyyyy sloooowwwwllly the rest of the time. But you get the idea!

 

I have to face the fact that I'm never going to achieve anything in my lifetime with this stupid, stupid illness.

 

Love Jen

XxxX

Sad But True

I've been playing on Pinterest a lot over the last 24 hours, I blame Helen for this entirely! I'd had my account for nearly 2 years without doing much on it aside from putting a few jewellery pictures up!  Should you feel the burning desire to look at my boards you can find them through my Twitter @JenRaeFrances I'll warn in advance though that there are a lot of plane pictures!

Anyway I digress. Whilst wasting time on there when I couldn't sleep last night I came across this pin which I think describes the way my brain works and the problems it's caused me perfectly. I still have to bind myself to silence about the work situation, the last thing I want to do is give them any excuse to make the situation any worse than it is already.

It's hard to try and explain my brain state to anyone not 'in the club'. How can anyone understand the impossibility of focusing on just one thing at a time? For example right now as I type this blog my brain is processing the following; the words for this blog, the return of Boris Johnson as an MP, trying to work out who sings the song that is going round my head (all I can tell you is it has lots of tuneful "ohs" in it), wondering what the hell is going to happen next at work and last but not least that I'm actually rather peckish. And that's my head in a 'calm' moment!

Imagine that on one of my bad days when my anxiety has skyrocketed, the situation is untenable. It's no wonder that I've made, and keep making no matter how hard I try not to, all the fuck-ups. There's a reason that something stupid like 80% on Bipolar sufferers are in low paid, basic jobs. If we can't control our brains then how the hell can we progress in the workplace? How many times will people accept the explanation "I'm sorry I can't help it, it's an illness" before you get accused of playing on your condition?

I really wish I could spill everything that is going on to you guys, but it's just not worth the potential hassle it may cause.

I guess at the moment I'm feeling held back and frustrated by everything. For some reason when I was at school and college I had teachers and lecturers queuing up to try and convince me I'd be capable of some kind of high flying career. Even though i took the proclamations with a very large hand full of salt I do still feel like a failure knowing that I will forever be held back by my stupid brain wiring.

Love Jen
XxxX