I Hate Having Bipolar - It's Awesome!

I have an announcement to make.

I Jenni cried on Saturday. Whilst this may seem a slightly odd thing to be marking on a blog it's actually quite a big thing for me. I have probably only cried properly about twice in the last 4 years, the rest of the time despite sobbing my heart out internally my eyes are totally dry. I guess it's a pressure thing, it's built up inside for so long that as I was merrily sewing away on Saturday, thinking of nothing I suddenly started bawling my eyes out. It's been coming for a few weeks ever since I changed my tablets in fact. I've been welling up at the silliest things – namely the John Lewis Bear & Hare advert because the Hare looks like my Esme. It's almost like having permanent PMT! I assume it's the tablets working their way through all the pent up anger and unhappiness and the quickest way to release it is to make me cry at a Christmas advert!

The other thing jamming up my mind over the last few days was the conversation with my Psychologist onFriday; we were discussing how I felt my new mood stabiliser tablets were working well and taking the edge off my more excitable, buzzy moods. She said that the fact they are working pretty much proves that I've had Bipolar all these years. Then she gently pointed out that Bipolar is for life and had I thought about that? I had briefly thought about it but in my normal, ostrich manner had put it out of my mind. But during that session and since then I've realised that I'm stuck with thisunpredictable mood for life now. Not only am I stuck with it but so are my friends and family. I'll never be able to wake up and think "today's going to be a good day" as I simply don't know what my mood will do. I may spend the day in a good mood, be productive and generally fun to be around. Or my mood will randomly pitch down and I'll be tearful, miserable, snappy and want to hide away and sleep forever.

I've got to manage this for the rest of my life now, which I know sounds incredibly melodramatic but sometimes Mental Illness is as debilitating as a physical problem (in fact one could argue that mental illness is a physical illness since it's driven by brain chemicals). I'm trying to be positive about it and be thankful that I have something specific wrong with me now that I can point to, but my god sometimes it's hard. It's knowing that I'll be on some form of medication or another forever and knowing that I'll never be able to fully wave goodbye to the black, black moods that I have. However I do think that the buzzy, high side of my condition helps me to be creative and gives me the get up and go I need to try new things and when you get that sudden, happy buzz of excitement out of nowhere, where you feel you're surfing on a ray of sunlight and can take on the world,well nothing beats that.

Love Jen

XxxxX