The Elephant 🐘 Is Back In The Room

I really shouldn't be surprised, it was an inevitably, my weight I lost has mostly piled back on. 

As you can see I now look like the 'before' in the before/after transformation photo. The photo on the left was taken in March last year and the recent photo on the right was taken last week on my birthday.

If I'm honest I'm not surprised. I've lost weight before and piled it back on. I'd just hoped that this time I'dve sustained it better. At the start of last year I was in a pretty good place, I'd lost about 27 kilos (about 4 stone I think), was eating well and walking a lot but it just all slipped away. Whilst I pointed out in a blog at the time I didn't feel mentally any better for being thinner I didn't feel as disgusted with myself on a day to day basis as I do now.

A lot of the problem is of course comfort eating, and this has ramped right up with the lockdown taking away everything that I'm looking forward to (No concerts, all my airshows are cancelled, the Lammas festival that I was excited to be a part of is also cancelled). Now the only thing I might have to look forward to is the chocolate squirreled away. Even as I eat it I feel ashamed at my lack of willpower.

Part of me says "well you did try and top yourself only a few months ago, cut yourself some slack", another part (my inner addict I would assume) "it's fine, you can stop whenever you want" and the largest (no pun intended) part rails against my lack of willpower shouting at me as I try to get to sleep at night about how weak I am and gross I look.

And my default feeling about myself is disgust at how far I've slipped back. I feel sick looking down at myself, the rolls that have reappeared, the jeans that are getting tighter and tighter. There is also a weary lack of surprise, a part of me that knew even when I'd lost all those kilos that it was only temporary, that I was only a bag of Twirl Bites away from falling off the wagon. And I was right.

There are so many popular sayings about body imagine and diet "nothing looks as good as skinny feels", "only you can control what goes in your mouth" (I wish more people could control what comes out of their mouths!) etc etc but shocker they don't help. I already feel ashamed enough of how I look and for letting the people who were so proud of my weight loss down. Meeting back up with friends who I haven't seen for a good few months is embarrassing because of how much I've ballooned, I am the proverbial elephant in the room.

It's easy to declare that I don't care about how I look, true in a way with my lack of effort with hair and makeup nowadays, or to use my fat as a shield to fade into the background. No-one is going to notice the fat goth next to all the pretty, interesting people!

I'd love for this blog to end on a declaration of intent to change up my life, ditch the chocolate, run 5k every day but we all know that it's bullshit.

Love in fattiness Jen

XxxX

Heavyweight Champion Of The World

In a particularly masochist mood this morning I decided to waddle onto the scales. The result was 106kilos (I'm 5'4 go figure), my reaction probably shouldn't have been "meh" followed by "oooh I'm almost at my heaviest I've ever been (108kilos) that sounds like a challenge!".

And yes before I get lectured I know that the reason I sleep all the time is because I'm carrying so much flab around. Yes I know I can't wear pretty clothes because I'll burst them, but it's amazing how quickly you come to love your M&S elasticated trousers. It's amazing how quickly clothes you used to love get pushed to the back of the wardrobe with a shrug.

I'm exactly the story that would make the weight-loss companies shudder. Both times I have been thin (size 8 because I wasn't eating) and size 12 from being on my feet all day in the library (best job ever!) I wasn't happy. Sure I looked good in a pair of skinny jeans but that didn't make up for the fact I was suffering from severe depression the first time round and crippling anxiety the second. So no I don't really care. It's almost satisfying that I'm as ugly on the outside as I feel on the inside. Self-disgust is nothing that can't be cured by reaching for the nearest packet of Twirl Bites.

And no I don't wish to join a gym or go running (thank you psychiatrist) to make myself feel better, tried exercise and it didn't make me any less miserable whatsoever. So you can stick that theory with your running shoes where the sun don't shine.

And of course I am guilted into the realisation that I am a massive drain on the NHS just by being alive but I don't really use the' service' aside from my meds and not-even-free NHS dentist appointments twice a year. And yes I do avoid the GP so as not to further over-stretch NHS funds.

I could lie and say that I'm being Punk rock by being fat, rejecting society's values that thin = happy and successful but really I just don't give a damn.

Bring on being too fat to leave the house!

Love Jen
XxxX

A Promise To Myself (Inspired By A Fellow Plus Size Hottie)

At this time of year it's traditional for people to promise to punish themselves through the mediums of diet and general body facism, sweating for hours at the gym and drinking odd, green liquids. Whilst that sounds attractive to me ..... er really... I have instead resolved to generally be nicer to myself. I've never shied away from the fact that I'm fat and *shock horror* still like to wear nice clothes and pretty make-up see my previous blogs My Mad Fat (Not So) Teenage Rant & My Big Fat Rant (yes I like to rant). 

This year I've continued to be really inspired by Betty Pamper's tweets and blog http://pamperandcurves.blogspot.co.uk/ I've mentioned before that she champions 'Plus size hotties' and reminds us all that whether you're a size 6 or 36 you are still gorgeous and deserve to be treated as such. Today in her blog she reviews her year in fabulous outfits and lots of glitter! A Year In Pictures. And today I want to try and do the same, I'm sick of beating myself up over how I look. I've had years of bullies in and out of school telling me that because I'm fat I will never look good or attractive and the worst of these bullies is me.

So I am giving myself a kick up the (rather generous) arse and my new year's resolution is to be nicer to myself,  I am well aware that I need to eat more healthily - surprisingly my recent diet of Quality Street is not recommended! However the healthy eating is more about keeping what's inside healthy than outward appearances; and the first step to a healthy inside is to give my mind a health kick about the way I think about myself. So rather than beating myself up about my appearance I resolve to tell myself just occasionally that you know what? I'm not that bad looking and I can always cheat with my, obviously, great sense of style. Us big gals can rock a look just as well as skinnie-minnies and have you not see Miss Piggy's amazing Chanel wardrobe in the Muppet movie?

So as a F-you to all the fat-hating body facists out there who have ever put me down, here is my year in pictures. They all feature moi and do you know what? I love them.

Naturally I always like to accessorize where possible with a cup of tea!
 

 

If you can accessorize your photo with your favorite band then I strongly recommend this

Obviously the best accessory a girl can have whatever size she is are her friends!

 

 
 

My girls will disapprove of me no matter what size I am!

I'm not going to hide behind the camera anymore

It's impossibly not to feel glam on a riverboat

Hiding behind a beard may have been a bit extreme

Wearing my Killer Curves top to London

Queen for the day at my Alice In Wonderland birthday party

Halloween glam with my home-made jewellery and headpiece

Yes I braved a selfie

And remember if you were ever in any doubt that only skinny girls were beautiful then take a look at this ....

Big, squashy love from Jen

XxxxX

My Big Fat Rant

This morning BBC news featured a report of a study that recommended that instead of trying faddy diets people should be encouraged to develop a more positive image of their bodies. This comes conveniently in a week where the (stunning!) actress Jennifer Lawrence called for a ban on the media calling people 'fat' and revealed that she is considered a 'fat' actress as she fails to comply to the Hollywoodwaif ideal (full story herehttp://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-25427990 ) . If Jennifer Lawrence is considered fat then I'd hate for Hollywood to meet me, they would choke on their coconut water or whatever fad they're following that week to keep their weight down!

Going back to this morning's report it's findings were that if you have little or no body confidence then you will find it even harder to lose the weight and get fit. I myself can concur with this, at 5ft 5 (6 on a good day!) and a size 18/20 and probably border on obese and as you can imagine have a body confidence rating of zero. Add to this a sit down office job and myunpredictable moods then I'm reaching for the chocolate by 9am on work days (although I did shock my work colleagues last week by making it 'till exactly 8 minutes past 2 before diving into the Quality Street next to me).

I wholeheartedly agree with Jennifer Lawrence's wish for "fat" to be on the list of unacceptable terms in schools and in the media. People may argue that it's just a word and what harm can it do? I invite them to apply the same reasoning to some of the racist or homophobic terms that have thankfully become socially unacceptable, judging people because they are different to you is wrong however you look at it. I was called fat by bullies at both primary and secondary school, even though then I was a healthy size 12/14 –although the people providing the insults were underdeveloped (physically and mentally in my opinion, but that's a different story) and stick thin. I would have given anything to look like them but it was physically impossible, I just wasn't built that way. As an adult I'm still shocked by how many people feel it's perfectly acceptable to make snide comments about my size or worse make comments then laugh them off as a joke, if someone has a problem with my size I'd much rather they came out and said it. Why should people be allowed to comment on me being big but I can't comment on their large nose, bad skin or awful haircut?

Even when I was thin, a size 8-10, through eating as little as humanly possible I felt fat (put it this way I could get into size 8 super skinny jeans that my big toe wouldn't squeeze in now!). My weight went up over the years from medication and illness (doctors lie when they tell you that Anti-Depressants don't make you put on weight!!!!!!!!), I did manage to lose some after a change in job a few years back, 30 kilos to be exact, but again even though I was a 12/14 I still didn't like'me' so in a way the weight loss was wasted on someone who didn't want to go out and show it off!

There is a campaign to change people's attitudes tolarger people, especially us gals. There are some website that now stock some gorgeous clothes for plus-size ladies, especially goth clothing websites selling corsets etc, I don't care what you say no SkinnyMinnie can compete with a curvy girl in a corset! My love of vintage clothes is also catered for by Collectif and Lindy Bop who make beautiful reproduction vintage clothing up to a size 24. There are bloggers like the fantastic @Bettypamper and her Pamper & Curves blog http://pamperandcurves.blogspot.co.uk/  where she (quite rightly) declares that she is a plus size hottie (the image at the start of this post is taken from her post http://pamperandcurves.blogspot.co.uk/2013/12/dropping-f-bomb.html , I own two of the "Killer Curves" top she produced and wear them with pride.

So what I'm really trying to say is (and this goes for me too) be proud of who you are, whether you're fat, thin, in-between, old, young, stripy or polka dot ………. Actually being polka dot would be pretty damn awesome you know ……..

Love Jen

XxxxX

The Perils Of Being A Non-Sample Size Cover Star

 Happy Birthday Marie Claire

This month Marie Claire magazine celebrates it's 25th birthday and to celebrate has chosen Lena Dunham writer and star of "Girls" as their cover star. I firstly had better just admit that I haven't seen Girls yet, It's on my long, long "To Watch" list but I have heard loads of good things about it. 

So I was interested to read the article and learn more about the woman behind the show, unfortunately the article left me feeling rather disappointed. The disappointment didn't lie with Dunham who comes across as incredibly likeable, intelligent and articulate. The disappointment lay with the Marie Claire writer's insistence on focusing on Dunham not meeting the fashion world's ideals of female beauty. 

  Apparently this lady isn't beautiful!

In a 2 page article Dunham's "Ordinary" looks are mentioned 6 times, the writer even goes as far as to describe her as being the "Most ordinary looking woman on television - belly, smudgy nose, bad posture, chunky little legs" and registers their shock when upon meeting Dunham for their interview she is dressed in "A flowery summer dress and edgy black boots, a fashionable young woman with  chic haircut, warm brown eyes, a welcoming smile and an adorable dog on a leash".

Now please correct me if I'm wrong but upon studying these, frankly stunning, photos from the shoot does this woman look fat or ugly? I see a healthy, well proportioned lady with stunning brown eyes and an amazing complexion.

The knife is further twisted when an anecdote from a recent shoot for an un-named American magazine is included in which the stylist had complained that it was hard to dress someone who wasn't sample size. 

 Beware! Non-sample size woman looks amazing!

We can argue about the effect of sample-sized models until the cows come home but when I read an article I want to read a piece about the subject, their work, their life maybe even their views on current affairs or an insight into some future projects (Or in the case of this article the stories behind her amazing tattoos!). Instead the entire article gives the impression that Dunham has been selected as a 'token' cover star and that we will fawn over Marie Claire and exclaim in shock at their dangerous decision to put a normal sized woman on the cover. 

 I want to know about these amazing tattoos!

I don't intend this article to be a rant against Marie Claire, I have read the magazine for years and for the most part really enjoy it. I just feel that for a magazine that (quite rightly) prides itself on hard-hitting journalism and for supporting feminist causes they have let themselves down with this article. Whilst I am in no way an expert in feminist theory, surely the first step to equality is for 'the sisterhood' to support each other and not spend an entire article pointing out alleged flaws in one of us. Diversity should be celebrated along with beauty in all it's different forms.

Love Jen

XxxxX