A is for Anxiety

Yet another night going to bed anxious and wired out of my fucking skull. My efforts to have a nice calm last few weeks of my 20s are well out the window, across the street and narrowly missing smashing windows!

I can't take any more of the permanent panic attack that I'm in. I can't look at the buns without wanting to sob hysterically. I actually dread opening the hutch first thing in the morning in case I find one of them has passed away overnight. I love them so much, they're the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.

I hate that I have to upset Stelly every morning by tipping her upside down and trying to wipe her. It upsets her which makes me feel even worse, but the potential alternatives are horrendous. I worry that Esme feels neglected because of all the focus being on Stelly's health. We're off to the vets again tomorrow to see if they can give any advice on better ways to keep her clean, show us how to give a butt bath etc.

I'm scared that I'm going to lose my job with all the time off I'm having. When I'm at work I have to fill myself up on coffee to make up for the exhaustion from my sleepless night's. The coffee then gives me panic attacks and sicky headaches. I don't want to lose my job, I really enjoy it! If I say so myself I'm the best envelope stuffer in the West!

I honestly don't know how much more stress I can take before I really do have a major meltdown. Meeting this new therapist on Wednesday can't come soon enough!!!!

Love Jen
XxxX

Ps where in God's name is the new 30 Seconds To frigging Mars album? Pull your fingers out lads before I ditch you for 21 Pilots (*shudder*)

Off Down The Mine!

In a more positive blog, today I want to share a website I came across about living with BPD. I initially was trawling the internet to see if I could find any advice about working when you have BPD since my job is seriously on the line at the moment. This website flashed up, it’s an American site but the advice is applicable to anyone - https://www.verywell.com/borderline-personality-disorder-4014754 .

It covers every kind of subtopic you can think of such as coping with stress, avoiding triggers and to more ‘out there’ topics such as “what is splitting?” (something I seem to suffer from – basically ‘all or nothing thinking’ ) https://www.verywell.com/what-is-splitting-425210 and debating whether Mindfullness is a useful tool (didn’t work for me as my brain doesn’t do calm!).

 I was especially interested in what they had to say about the kind of work/jobs that suited people with BPD and they had a theoretical case study which sounded quite familiar to my experiences.

 The New Job—From a Happy Start to an Angry End

Bruce is always very excited when he begins a new job. He tells everyone he sees how fulfilling the work is, and for the first few weeks, he cannot say enough about how much he likes his boss and co-workers. He talks up the company and shares his dreams about moving into more and more responsible roles.

However, after only a short time, Bruce begins to feel that his boss is "out to get him." He perceives every work request or direction as an unfair criticism. He also becomes increasingly frustrated about working with his co-workers. He complains about what he sees as their lacklustre efforts that no one else seems to notice or care about.

By this time, it's clear to Bruce that his supervisors and co-workers don't like him and are picking on him.

Eventually, Bruce comes to believe that the people at the office are trying to find reasons to fire him, and he reacts in a rage. He yells and swears at his boss while complaining about how unfair the situation is and "always has been." His angry outburst and disrespect toward his boss can only end one way: Bruce is let go to search for another new job. There is further detail here https://www.verywell.com/example-of-bpd-at-work-425151

This is scarily similar to my workplace experiences and does lead me to wonder if I’m actually the problem or at fault for a lot of the bad experiences I’ve had? My difficulty concentrating caused loads of problems at my last job and I’m now unsure if I really was being bullied at CMS/Veritek (although I’m still hedging towards it ).

 I’m really glad I found the site though as it seems that it’ll be a mine of useful information and I intend to dig deep!

 

Love Jen

XxxX

"Don't Press The Button"

Another day, another day off work. At the moment I seem to spend more time at home than at work which doesn't take a genius to work out that I'm not getting paid very much at the moment.

Last week I had a conversation with my boss and she (absolutely understandably) said that if I can't commit to regular days working (in this case Thursdays and Fridays when I'm placed in the Diabetes Centre office) then they may have to let me go. I said to her that I understood totally, if you're promising an office help and the help doesn't turn up that day then it makes it doubly hard for them.

So far this year and for most of last year I've not worked a full week (excluding holidays/regular days off etc) because of days off sick. I think I worked out that by the middle of last year that I'd lost put on about 2 months full-time wages 'cos of sickness.

Every week I start off with the promise to myself that "this'll be the week I'm going to be in every single day" but invariably it's an empty promise as there will be at least 2 or more days that I just can't make it in. The past 2 weeks have been particularly bad with me only managing about 18-20 hours out of a potential 60 odd. It's been more of an exception because of Stelly-gate but still it doesn't bode well.

If I lose this job I'm stuffed. There is no employer in the world that would take me on with this sickness record. I don't believe I'd be entitled to any help as I'm currently (through my own choice) working as a zero hours employee and one takes into account when they accept the job that it could all end without warning. This apparently is the equivalent of leaving a job without having another lined up in the eyes of the powers that be.

So I spend the days that I'm off, like today, terrified of being 'let go' and the implications of that. I guess I fall down the cracks as ever, same as with the lack of any kind of health help available. It's a case of pay through the nose or 'just get on with it'. I'm lucky enough that my parents are going to pay for a private counsellor (I meet her this Friday) and I feel sick with guilt about it. I'm 2 weeks off from being 30 and they're still having to pay for my basic health.

I don't know how many others like me there are out there, trying to hold on to zero hours jobs knowing that if they lose them then they're pretty much on the dumpster of life. We'd sure as hell not qualify for any kind of disability help, I think you have to have a leg hanging off to even be considered nowadays. Then if, just for example, someone like me was to qualify then I would be seen as a scrounger, too lazy to leave the house and a drain on society. Trust me I already feel enough of a drain on everyone around me without upsetting society too!

I realised the other day that 2/4 jobs that I've ever had (I'm not counting my part time Asda job when I was at college or working for Powerplay as we all hated it and wanted out from there) half of them have gone to shit and right now this job seems to be doing the same.

Although I spent nearly 4 years at CMS/Veritek, God knows how, I had time that I was signed off and the rest of the time getting screamed at across the office or down the phone by two managers who had it in for me. They literally used to keep a spreadsheet of any mistakes I, or my department (making the assumption that I should get the blame either way) made and submit it to higher management each week. I left in the summer of 2010 as I couldn't take any more.

Then at my last job we had memory stick-gate and we all know how that went, just read any of my blogs from Mid 2014 to the start of 2015. Yet again I screwed a job up royally, the worst of it being that it was a job I really enjoyed with people I loved working with.

I've messed up two 'decent' jobs now, both pretty well paid with the chance for progression and promotion. Whilst I don't exactly have that in this job I do really enjoy what I do! I like playing with the letters, filing notes, having lunch with Helen (she works on one of the wards as the star Ward Clerk!) and so many other little things. But it seems my self-destruct is trying to trigger once again to screw everything up.

What's a girl to do?

Love Jen
XxxX

A Very Important Date

I really must make the effort to write more blogs. I used to be able to churn them out as regular as clockwork and write intelligently about all sorts of subjects, at the moment there doesn’t seem to be much inspiration about. I think 2/3 years ago I still felt a lot more intelligent and so felt I could comment on various subjects. Helen has been on Dementia Awareness courses over the last 5 months (she’s been nominated to be the Dementia champion on her ward, I’m so proud of her!) and they recently covered people having Mild Cognitive Impairment and she realised that I actually ticked a lot of the boxes. It’s obviously nowhere near as serious as dementia but it did confirm my long-running suspicions that my illness has made me stupider and clumsier.

 At the moment I’m trying to distract myself from my downward spiral by putting my energy into organising my 30^th birthday party. Whilst the thought of turning 30 still makes me want to curl up and morn my wasted 20s I feel that if it has to happen I may as well take the opportunity to throw a party. As many of you know I adore party planning, it’s getting into the teeny details that I like. From trawling the internet for the perfect paper plates to sourcing the perfect jar for my memory project (I leave the jar with a stack of pretty notecards for people to write their favourite memories of things we’ve done together, experienced, laughed at etc). I’m enjoying stocking up on bits for the party bags (I love party bags, I just love giving people gifts) and I’ve been able to get creative making thank you cards and bits for the bags.

 In another life I’dve been a great party planner, my speciality is making lists and complicated, colour coded spreadsheets of tasks to be completed and their priority – invitations were a red but the photo board is a yellow – you get the idea! I love details, ideas for decorations, things to make the event different and memorable – I’ve invested in photo props for the all-important selfies!

 In my great tradition of merging themes for parties (my crowning, pun intended, moment was my “Kings & Queens of Bad Romance” party for my 23^rd birthday combining 30 Seconds To Mars and Lady GaGa. I’ve also thrown Pirate, Festival, Cool Britannia and Mad Tea Party – well BBQ themed events as well as my charity bash for Rethink back in 2014) I’m going with Plane Geekery and Alice In Wonderland – catchily titled Flying Through The Looking Glass. It’s given loads of scope for decorations and party favours – Pilot hats for the selfies, giant playing cards for the tables and even an inflatable 747 (go look it up non-geeks).

 I’ve started early this time too, other times I’ve found myself rushing and actually not enjoyed the party at all – especially the Rethink one. So this time I’ve taking it easy and moving at a leisurely pace. And of course all the planning is taking my mind off Stelly which is always good as I think she’s at the point of poking my eye out if I give her one more concerned prod.

Gotta fly

Love Jen

XxxX

"Oh my ears and whiskers"

It's been 2 weeks now since Stelly's accident. I'm sure anyone who's friends with me on Facebook is sick of hearing about it. I've been advised to "move past it" but it's not happening.

The girls are my children, they are my absolute world. I can't have kids because of my BPD (it can be dangerous for Mum and kid with all the hormones) and having Endometriosis would make conceiving very difficult. I've trained myself to look on small humans (aside from a select view) with dislike and be relieved that I don't have them. If your child had made that horrendous screaming noise you'dve had nightmares every night since, I can guarantee that.

I can't look at her without wanting to cry, I worry about the effect it's having on poor Esme too. They went on the grass on Monday for the first time since the accident, Esme was jumping for joy and binkying all over the place at finally being out. All was well until she started chasing Stelly (she's always done that even though they've been 'done' since 2010) which upset Stell meaning I had to put them away.

The vet said that Stell is likely to always be incontinent so I've been wiping her every morning, which I'm more than happy to do to keep her comfortable. Every teeny thing she does has me paranoid. This morning for example I heard a squeak when I went to catch her to give her the wipes. I initially thought it was a bird and went on with washing her without further incident. Then I heard the noise again shortly after when she and Esme were doing their excited spin. I looked it up on the Internet and a lot of websites and forums classed it in with screaming (trust me it wasn't that). That or it being some kind of happy noise. This description kept popping up - 

"If you hear a rabbit make a shrill squeaking sound, there's a good chance that he's feeling happy about something. ... When rabbits squeak and the sound is a little bit deeper, it often signifies that they feel trapped. Perhaps you're petting your bunny and he wants you to stop so he can get back to playing independently."

I can understand the threatened explanation for when I was about to pick her up to be washed, I'd use some choice language if someone tried to do it to me! But she also made it with Esme, that's what worries me. She can't surely feel threatened by Esme all of a sudden? They're always together.

I know I should chill out and stop obsessing about every teeny thing that she does. I still feel responsible for her hurting herself. I can't have been holding her properly. Normally she's the far more docile rabbit when being held or carried rather than The Right Hon Miss Esme Wigglebum. But she managed to leap out and damage herself.

And no I can't just 'get over' this.

Love Jen
XxxX