A is for Autism?

Hi guys I hope you're all having a good 2022 so far? So as most of you will know I've struggled with mental illness for most of my life; Borderline Personality Disorder and OCD. But it turns out there might be another element to the miswiring of my brain.

My friend Ian suggested that I may actually be on the Autistic Spectrum, at first I wasn't sure although as we were walking along I asked if being 'on the spectrum' might account for how clumsy I am...... Just as I walked into a post 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️.

I decided to look into the possibility of having an ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) and it turns out that I fit a lot of the criteria. Historically ASD has been far more likely to be diagnosed in boys and young men than it has in girls and young women. Girls often learn to'mask' their symptoms from an early age and are apparently notoriously hard to diagnose, hence a lot of women not being diagnosed with Autism or other disorders such as ADHD or Dyspraxia until well into adulthood.

I read some articles online and also spoke to a friend who was only diagnosed with ADHD in her 30s who offered me a lot of insight. I didn't want to self-diagnose via Dr Google so I did a deep dive into the subject (a classic 'intense interest'). I started by asking my Counsellor if she thought I could have both BPD & OCD and she said it was most likely that my BPD grew out of the problems and traumas caused by being on the spectrum. 

I found an author called Sarah Hendrickx and her book Women And Girls With Autistic Spectrum Disorder which gave me so many 'lightbulb' moments. Another book I found useful was I Think I Might Be Autistic  by Cynthia Kim. There was also a wealth of information on YouTube channels such as Yo Samdy Sam, The Aspie Word and Purple Ella. However one video stuck out for me in particular which was Autism & Borderline Personality Disorder by Kate Emily Brinly. Watching it was like watching someone describe my childhood and teenage years and the struggles I had.

So what are the symptoms that have led me to consider ASD as a possibility? First off and the most obvious I would say is my 'weirdness' (or 'individuality' on a good day), since I was a really young kid I've always felt different and strange. I wouldn't react to things in the same way other kids did, I would struggle with anything different to what I expected (I remember a meltdown because we had a supply teacher one day), I was always happier reading or playing alone, at lunchtimes I would rather spend time with the dinner ladies than my friends who I'd invariably been dropped by.Obviously the move to secondary school was hell, looking back now I think this is where a lot of my emotional 'BPD' symptoms grew from. This was where I was badly bullied and sexually assaulted and had to deal with constantly shifting situations, taking people who were pretending to be my friends for their own ulterior motives at face value. 

One of my most obvious symptoms that any of my friends and family will recognise is my, er slightly obsessive personality to put it mildly. From micro-obsessions that don't last long (although this has been useful in focusing me on my research) to the all consuming ones about people, music, films (although I think watching Top Gun or The Lion King repeatedly is a talent!), stories or er planes. My family and friends have had to put up with so much waffling and repeating about them over the years (another thing that made me a target at school was talking about them to anyone who would listen) and probably being bored stiff by them 😳.

There are absolutely tons more characteristics that fit me and my life experience - being incredibly sensitive to other's moods & actions or topics that upset me, missing social queues such as when to and not to talk (sorry I interrupt so much), being good at some subjects (English, Languages) and appalling at others (Maths or anything with numbers brings me out in a cold sweat), clinginess to those I trust and escaping to into my own fantasy worlds to avoid the difficulties and hurt of real life. There are others I could list but this would be more like a novel than a blog 😂.

On Friday I plucked up the courage to message my GP and ask for a referral to be assessed for Autism. Not only did he reply almost immediately but also praised me for all the research I'd done. This gave me such a sense of relief that I was believed enough to go through to the 'next stage' of the diagnostic process. The waiting list for an appointment is incredibly long so it may be quite a wait to be seen but I do feel confident that I should get the diagnosis.

I hope that if I do get the diagnosis I can start to forgive myself for the way I acted when I was younger that made me a target. It really wasn't 'my fault' I actually couldn't help it, it's how my brain has developed.

I shall keep you guys updated on the progress of my getting a diagnosis 🤞🏻🤞🏻.

Love Jen

XxxX

Ps A Plane Geek on the spectrum who'dve thought it 😱😂😂😂

Autumn Blues

 September is here and with it brings my annual Autumn and Winter sadness. Not content with being the bane of my life all year round my mental illness likes to pop dark half of the year struggles as a cherry on top.

Obviously my struggles with this time of year go way back, even as a kid I remember feeling sad when the days shortened and the temperature dropped along with the leaves. Most people love Autumn and it's colours and seasonal drinks (pumpkin spiced white hot chocolate if you're offering) and even I 'm not immune to snapping photos of red and orange trees but to me it's a sign of things to come. 

"But Jen" I here you cry "What about Halloween, warm drinks, being cosy?" . Whilst it's true that Halloween is my favourite day of the year and I love decorating for it and, back in more normal times, hosting parties the holiday is about welcoming the dark half of the year and that's what I struggle with.

I think part of the problem is that the UK's Autumns are mostly not the picture postcards of beautiful colours that you see from America but rather battleship grey skies, rain and wind. I can handle the strong winds but I utterly despise rain.

Of course even I can work out where my real psychological problems stem from, nobody needs to be  a genius there, it's the time of skipping off back to school and I don't need to recount everything here but you all know what happened there. Let me explain how big a problem this became. When I was younger we always used to go on holiday to France for the last two weeks of August immediately after the airshow. Whilst I tried so hard to immerse myself in the good times the moment we got on the ferry at Newhaven to go across to Europe my depression would start. 

I used to hate myself for it and think there was something wrong and ungrateful about me for being so unhappy when so many people would have loved to be on holiday with their far. Looking back of course this was my BPD making itself known. In the back of my mind I knew the days were counting down until I'd be returning to my own personal hell. 

Aside from September being 'back to school' it also seems to coincide with other bad times, I don't know if it's all related but two of the times I've been signed off work have been at this time of year.

I think what's making this year a struggle already is my inactivity and losing the energy and confidence to do things over this summer. I feel like I've 'slept through summer' and I know this is no-one's fault but my own but the meds that I'm on plus just sleeping off bad moods have constantly conspired to make staying in bed the only viable option at times. Add to that a second year of a lack of my normal summer activities makes me feel like once again the season has been wasted. Whilst I'm incredibly grateful that I made it to Bournemouth Air show yesterday I've now got 'post fun event' blues to contend with too 🤦.

I'm struggling to cope with the idea of Autumn already and we're only 6 days into September ......

Love Jen

XxxX

EMDR Diaries - Pushing Pause

Hi everyone hope you're all doing as OK as possible? As my blog readers will know I've been undergoing EMDR therapy to try and help with some of the traumatic experiences that have seriously affected my mental health. 

My counsellor and I started off gradually covering experiences that were lower down my 'trauma scale'. We started off by working on a bad workplace experience (the link for that blog and an explanation of EMDR can be found here). We then moved on to losing my beautiful Stelly. The aim isn't for you to forget the events but to take some of the 'sting' out of them. For example when it comes to Stelly when I think about losing her I no longer blame myself for what happened, nor do I feel such overwhelming emotion. Instead I've been able to focus on my lovely memories of her and all the mischief she and Esme used to get up to (don't worry Esme still gets up to enough mischief on her own) and yes feel sad, mourn her and miss her but without such an intense reaction.

The next plan was to start working on the bullying trauma, which is the really big one that has shaped who I am still to this day. We had one whole session and a half session of trying but I felt nothing. EMDR works on your physical reactions to memories, for example when I was focusing on Stelly I was actually 'sick' (without actually being sick or retching it was the weirdest sensation) or when we were working on the work problems my forearms tingled where I used to cut them to relieve the stress). So to feel absolutely nothing to the point of being numb was really odd. Essentially I think my brain has tried to detach itself so far from school that I can't connect the physical reactions.

After trying for the first half hour of a session with no reaction we decided to try and see if I could work through the sexual assault and some other uncomfortable experiences of that nature I've had. I connected with this and had some quite unpleasant sensations that I won't detail here as they are quite triggering for anyone who happens to be reading who's had similar experiences (🤗🤗🤗 to you if you have).

Unfortunately I've had to pause the sessions temporarily as the memories, thoughts and feelings that it bought up were pretty overwhelming and lead to me self-harming again and feeling 'unsafe' (my code word for suicidal). I was back to feeling disgusted with my body and self as a whole, before my first experience in the first few weeks of secondary school I'd never really thought about my body that much but it was after that my feelings of disgust and general embarrasment around how I look started and never left. Put it this way even when I was thin I felt uncomfortable, imagine how gross I feel now 🤣.

It also dredged up my memories of being 'frigid' and 'unnatural' due to my own sexual dysfunction (one of the large factors as to why I'd never entertain being in a relationship again). My fear about how people see me, benefit of dressing like a goth and being fat is that no-one looks at you as being potentially attractive - a top tip there (you're welcome 🤣).

So due to all of the above the EMDR has been paused until I can become a bit more stable again (lots of other life worries at the moment so it may be some time). I do want to continue as these memories need to be worked though alongside some others such as deaths of friends and family, relationship breakdowns etc.

On a cheerful note to end the blog I've been doing plenty of Halloween 🦇 🎃 decoration shopping (if you follow me on good ole Instagram jenraefrances you'll have been spammed with pictures and videos in my stories) and I was wondering if anyone would like to see blogs about them and my Halloween prepping in the run up to the big day! Let me know.

Love Jen

XxxX

EMDR Diaries - Chapter 2: All about the Stellybear

Hi everyone hope you're all doing OK despite the craziness that 2020 continues to bring us 😐.

As you know from my blog post earlier this year EMDR Diaries - Chapter 1 I've started EMDR treatment to try and help with the bad memories and emotions that contribute to my BPD. Because of the lockdown these sessions have switched to Zoom sessions at home and rather than the pretty flashing lights the treatment itself is me tapping my legs (sounds weird in writing and probably sounds even weirder to my parents and the dog coming from my room!). I've finished the first 'memory' of the treatment which was the circumstances that lead to me leaving my job with the community NHS team. As a result I feel a lot less bitterness about the experience but also have learnt that I shouldn't put the blame solely on myself and that I should have been better supported around workloads, my mental illness etc.

The next subject I'm moving onto is one of the ones that I've been dreading the most. The loss of my beautiful bunny Estelle (aka Stelly, Stellington, Stellybear) back in 2017. Of all my life experiences this is probably the worst thing that has happened to me, I'd take the years of bullying at school and work multiple times over rather than the loss of Stelly.

The girls as babies 

Stelly looking a little 'Special needs' 

I'm going to put a ****TRIGGER WARNING*** here for anyone easily upset by animal unhappiness (I can read all sorts of things about war, COVID-19, generally depressing human subjects but give me the smallest hint of something bad happening to an animal and I'm done 😭).

It all started at the end of April 2017 when I'd picked Stelly up to put her back in the hutch after she and Esme had spent the afternoon in their grass run. To this day I don't know if I lost grip on her or she jumped but suddenly she hit the edge of the hutch, shot down the ramp and let out two screeches that put a scar on my heart and lead me to bursting into immediate tears. 

To cut a long story short she'd hit her 'lady parts' so hard she caused permanent nerve damage that left her unable to walk as well and utterly incontinent. If you picked her up she would just pee, each morning I would clean her up as best I could, give her Metacam to try and solve any pain she might have had. 

Up until that awful day we were at the vets every few weeks, trying to find ways to help her, giving her a bunzillian to try in vain to keep her clean (Esme now has the pleasure of these as she's become a little incontinent with age) 

She is delighted that I shared this with you all. 

But Stelly still seemed happy, she kept her appetite (her greatest pleasure in life was eating) and would join Esme on the grass until Esme's zooming and occasional barrel into her got too much. 

Then on the afternoon of 21st June 2017 things changed. I got home from having a swim after work and could tell something wasn't right. She didn't seem to be moving as well and had soiled herself quite badly. Dad and I cleaned her up and put her back in the hutch and she munched away on the grass I'd pulled up for her with her normal gusto. I wish I'd had a better look, I wish I'd not stopped that extra hour for a post work swim, I wish I'd insisted we called the vet to have her checked over. Instead I covered them up and gave them their dinner and went to bed myself. 

The next morning I came down ready to get Stelly up and washed before giving them their breakfast and cleaning the hutch as best I could to meet Esme's OCD standards. When I saw Stelly laying in the run I could see something wasn't right. When I picked her up I could tell what was wrong immediately. She had the dreaded flystrike (I'm not going to describe it here as the memory makes me sick, you can Google it but I really wouldn't). I knew then that it was all over, that I'd failed my poor bunny. I was on hold trying to get through to the emergency vet but they never answered. All I could do was wait to get hold of our normal vets when they opened at 9am. They told us to come straight in. Around 9.30am on the 22nd June 2017 Stelly passed away and went to join Kay at the Rainbow 🌈 Bridge. 

The only benefit of her nerve damage was that Stelly wouldn't have been able to feel anything that was going on, which is a small blessing. 

The legacy of that day is my utter guilt over what happened to Stelly, the sick feeling from that morning. I'm constantly paranoid about Esme's health, convinced that at every vet visit for jabs or bunzillians (sorry again Esme) they'll find something wrong with her or think that I'm not taking good enough care of her. I'm dreading tomorrow as I have to take her for a check over and potential blood test to check her liver function (it's so that they can continue to prescribe her painkiller that helps keep her moving and hopping around her domain) and I'm terrified they'll find something underlying wrong with her that I haven't noticed despite my scrutinising her several times a day (she loves me....) 

I'm so scared about facing the emotions of that time, the feelings that still keep me up at night and worrying about Esme. I think this one will take a lot more work to get through. 

I'm going to leave you with my favourite photo of the girls together that sits in front of my TV as a constant reminder that bunnies don't approve of me...... 

Love Jen

XxxX

Isolation - A Stand Alone Novella

As a lot of writers do when they have a block on a story they go off and work on another story altogether (or so I've been told). So instead of getting the hotly anticipated follow-up to EMDR Chapter 1 we instead go to the Lockdown Diaries.

Here in the UK we went into full lockdown last Monday evening (pretty much a week save a few hours). Meaning that we can only go out of the house to A) work (if we're part of a vital service - HUGE  thanks to the amazing NHS, Retail and public transport workers keeping everything going and the public looked after) B) to shop (although we have to keep a distance of 2 meters apart at all times - my crowd hating person finds this absolute heaven) and C) to excercise such as walking Eos (and photographing her under pretty blossom trees). 

Apparently this lockdown is for a minimum of 3 weeks but is likely to go on far longer. And *spoiler* isolation sucks. Now to be fair I don't go out every day as it is, I'm often to low or anxious to leave the house except to go to my counselling/OT appointments or to see Helen. Because of the lockdown none of these things are happening now.

Not being able to see Helen is probably the hardest thing. She works at the same hospital I did until last summer when everything went tits up. So she's having to take the isolation incredibly seriously as she works on one of the wards. We've been friends for 10 years this summer (poor her!) and this is the longest we've been without physically seeing each other in that time. Thankfully we can still talk due to the wonders of WhatsApp and can parrall watch stuff on our laptops (Baby Yoda here we come). 

But not seeing your best friend when you live in the same town is horrible. I wasn't able to help her move on Wednesday, or help with the shopping at the weekend. A big source of support has been ripped away. Lots of people are getting really creative with online meet ups and quizzes etc but it just makes me feel even more alone.

Another support that has vanished are my counselling and OT sessions that I have every couple of weeks. My counselling particularly is a big hit. It's the only space I have to get the craziness in my head off of my chest, the only place I can really talk without freaking people out. The thoughts in my head have been getting worse and worse, most of my waking hours are spent counting the minutes until its time to go back to sleep wishing I had the courage to open my pill cabinet or deciding what pretty pattern to carve next. 

At times like this I rely on having things to look forward to that I can try and focus on but it's all getting cancelled due to this stupid pandemic. No airshows, no gigs, no anything for me. And being told that everyone is in the same boat really doesn't help, it just reinforces that I'm obviously too mentally weak to cope with something sensible people can. I've given up weighing myself now since my only joy in life is now chocolate, so bye bye to the weight loss I achieved and how proud everyone was of me. Once a fat loser (or gainer in this case) always a fat loser (gainer). 

I'm at breaking point and we're only a week in.

Love Jen

XxxX

EMDR Diaries - Chapter 1

For those of you who have the, er, pleasure (?) to follow me on social media (Twitter jenraefrances and Instagram jenraefrances very original I know!) you'll have see than I've started a treatment called EMDR (Click here  for more info about EMDR, if that's a bit wordy then a YouTube link is coming up!). 

The aim of EMDR is to help the brain re-process traumatic memories which will, in theory, 
 help stop my extreme reactions to certain stimuli and triggers. My Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) has been worsening since the summer which lead to me attemping suicide back in August (See my blog Cold Hard Facts - ***Trigger warning***). Whilst my bad memories will always be there, this treatment won't magically erase them but it will allow my brain to process the bullying, assault, loss etc correctly and hopefully lessen their impact.

I found a really useful YouTube video that explains it in a less Sci-Fi way. 

This video shows how an EDMR session works -

Before I started the treatment I was warned by my counsellor that the treatment can be tough as I'll be connecting with a lot of memories and emotions that my brain has repressed. I've been warned that I'll feel very unsettled for a number of days after each session There was also the likelihood that I'll have physical symptoms like tingling and twitches as my brain works to re-wire itself. To try and counter-act this my counsellor and I have been working on 'safe places' in my mind that I can access after the sessions to calm me such as airshows and happy memories. I have a long list of bad things to tackle, the usual suspects - bullying, loss etc so this will be a long slog. 

To start me off as gently as possible my counsellor, Helaine, has decided to start with the 'Memory Stick incident' from back in 2014. When you read any of my blogs from the summer of 2014, prior to being signed off in the Autumn, you'll be able to see the state I was left in (my blog Stuck from the time gives an idea, just bear in mind that at the time I was still working on the theory that I had Bi Polar rather than BPD). Now that I'm long gone from that job I can explain more about what went on and what the EMDR will be tackling. 

To cut a long story short whilst working for a local NHS Team I posted a memory stick to a nursing home containing patient information and it was lost in the post. This kicked off a massive incident as of course patient privacy was compromised (something that I never argued against and went out of my way to own up to), during the course of this it was decided to review my recent work and it was found that I had sent an information pack to an incorrect address (I still maintain that I was given the wrong details but that's neither here nor there). After that all of my work was scrutinised and management were constantly digging for mistakes I'd made. When I tried to stand up for myself I was told that I was "playing the mental health card" to avoid getting into trouble. The whole situation lead to my health spiralling out of control, loads of self-harming and my being signed off of work and eventually leaving. 

As we started the session Helaine asked me to bring this time to mind. I then had to watch the light bar that you saw in the video above for a few moments at a time (initially I made the mistake of trying to concentrate too hard on it and not follow the light bar but it turns out that once you've brought the memory to the front of your mind it stays there even when you're concentrating on the bar). The effect was immediate, I started having random tinglings and small pressures across my chest and throat (these are the spots where I normally 'feel stress', some people get knotted stomachs or breathlessness when they're stressed whereas mine sticks 'higher') and twinges in my shoulders.  

After the initial effects of the tinglings and pressures I actually stopped feeling anything for a little while until I suddenly got really tearful when I was struck by how much I'd loved my previous job working in the records library from 2010-2011 (you can read my memories of the time here). One of the things with the EMDR is that sudden insights will appear either during the session or in the days following about the memory you've been working on. Whilst I won't share the 'insights' I gained about my job I lost the memory stick with as they aren't pretty, I did realise that I was an easy target as I'm crap at standing up for myself or pointing out that I was the sole admin dealing with over 2000 cases, I did gain some interesting insights about my 'happy time' in the library; I realised that work was actually my 'safe space' and helped me cope with crap life threw at me at the time (my Grandad passing away, the breakdown of my 6 year relationship among other things) and still carry on smiling. I realised that I was 'mourning' that time so to speak, not just the job itself or that it was a good time in my life for travelling and having fun. But mourning the loss of that safety, positivity and most importantly the friends I left behind when I moved on, colleagues who made me feel welcome from day one and included me and, most importantly, were only ever nice to me. The ironic thing is that the only reason I left was because my hours had been cut to 3 days a week ....

The session ended with 'grounding' me again, accessing my 'happy/safe' space and putting me back into a calm mindset.

In the days following an EMDR session you can be left quite unsettled both mentally and physically (in some cases apparently you can be left twitchy or tingly for a couple of days). Physically I was fine, aside from some shoulder tension, but I've had a lot of work-related bad dreams or general anxiety dreams. The dreams have mostly been around a different job I had prior to the library when I was bullied (another reason I loved the library so much, no-one screamed across the room or down the phone at me!), having to start working there again and seeing the managers who made my life hell. I've also been quite low and tearful feeling as well as a slight stressed feeling bubbling away in the background. 

My next session will be a week Tuesday and we'll continue to work on this memory until my brain has processed it properly and it no longer brings up the emotional response anymore. After that we'll move onto other subjects which I admit to being quite nervous about, if I cried whilst working through this 'not too bad' memory lord knows how I'll be when focusing on losing Stelly or school. I want to try and keep up a blog of my EMDR experiences on the off chance that someone who's curious about the treatment or, like me, is trying it out for the first time will stumble across it in the depths of the interwebs and might find it helpful.

If the EMDR helps even just a bit then it'll be worth it, if I can have just a bit of breathing space then I can start piecing things back together a bit. It's not a cure and it won't remove my BPD, OCD and self-harming tendencies but what it can do is help unblock my brain to give me a better chance at reigning them in a bit.

Love Jen
XxxX

Cold, Hard Facts pt 2

*TRIGGER WARNING FOR SUICIDE AND SELF-HARM*

We're only just into 2020 and already it's gone tits up (and if we're going by my pair it's a very big tits up, not that I like to boast). My mental wellbeing, well the little that I had, has all but gone.

Today I told my counsellor that I was about 8.5/10 on the score of 0 having no plans and 10 being in the process of making an attempt on my life. Plans and notes had been updated. I'm at the stage where my disgust for myself, the way my brain works, the weight I've put back on, my inability to function like a normal human being and the enjoyment from any activities I used to enjoy being non-existent. The only relief I get at the moment from the noise in my head is the moments when I cut myself and the short spike of pain bursts through. Normally sleep is my refuge but when I do manage to get off to sleep it's just nightmares and people in dreams telling me to hurry up and top myself. 

My counsellor quite rightly spoke to Mum and let her know everything. I feel horrible for all the pain my mental health is causing the people I love. Having been on the other side when my friend Nat was suicidal I know exactly how it is. I have my 'urgent' psychiatrist appointment on Thursday (I took my overdose on 20th Aug last year, make of that what you will). I'm hoping that unlike the last psychiatrist I saw I'll get more out of the appointment than "here's your diagnosis, here are your Meds now off you skip to take them like a good little mental" *pat on the head*.

Quite honestly I can't see how I can get out of this cycle. How much change can an appointment make? I'm bound to be brushed off again, as I always am. 

Love Jen

XxxX