It's Only Rock N Roll (But I Like It)

I had to jump on the band wagon (no pun intended) eventually and give my view on Wednesday night's Brit Awards ceremony. Now let me first of all issue a disclaimer: I am a self-confessed music obsessive (possibly bordering on music snob) and there are few subjects that I'm more passionate about. With that said whilst I am a rock chick at heart and always will be I do have a fairly broad musical taste that covers Pop, Dance and even some classical too, mixed in with the occasional rap tune. I have to admit I didn't have high hopes for my enjoyment of the show when I read through the lists of nominees and didn't recognise half of them! I must also confess that I didn't watch the entire ceremony and came in around 9pm (after a most exciting episode of Waterloo Road but that's an entirely different story) but I use the assumption that nothing spectacular happened during the first hour of the show.

I was going to avoid watching the show on principle as I knew that it would be fixed for One Direction to win at least one award. Now let me make it clear I'm sure they are lovely guys who can sing else they would never have gotten through to be made into a group on the X-Factor. But my god does it wind me up the way in which Simon Cowell has pretty much bought them all their success. Bear in mind this is a group who only came third on a show voted for by the public. However since then the Cowell machine has gone into overdrive, paying the media to give them numerous column inches, magazine covers, declaring them to be the "biggest band in the world" before their first album was even out! At last year's show an award was created especially for them celebrating their "worldwide success", I'm sorry but why wasn't an award like this available before?

The Spice Girls were just as big, if not bigger, with far more of a cultural impact but, conveniently, they weren't managed by Simon Cowell. In fact, fact fans, Mr Cowell tuned down the opportunity to sign the Spice Girls! He tried to create a rival group in the late 90s called Girl Thing who spectacularly bombed. Girl Thing are currently appearing on ITV's Big Reunion and recounted their story of a publicity machine that engineered magazine covers, a series on GMTV showcasing them on their 'tour' signing autographs for their '100s of fans', is this starting to sound familiar? I just feel that bands and artists should have to earn such coverage, maybe it's my rock & indie background, but I think you need to prove you're worth the hype.

But returning to my original point, I remember 90s Brit Awards that were always guaranteed to have bad behaviour, excess and general stupidity but it was so much fun! The first Brit Awards I remember watching was around 95/96 when Jarvis Cocker invaded the stage during Michael Jackson's performance setting the precedent for years to come. Who can forget Chumbawumba throwing the bucket of ice water over John Prescott? Or Robbie Williams inviting the Gallagher brothers to have a fight live on TV. The hilarious appearance of DJ Brandon Block trying to hijack Ronnie Wood presenting an award. Then there is the obvious classic of Geri Halliwell's Union Jack dress, regularly voted one of the most iconic dresses ofall time! Us Brits really used to know how to throw a party! I think the most 'Rock N Roll' part of this years ceremony was James Cordon & Nick Grimshaw's highly staged "snog".

Over the last decade the Brits have gotten, well, boring. The first nail in the coffin was the year that the organisers banned alcohol (early 00's I believe). They wanted to appeal to audiences across the world, namely America and thought that boozed up bands wouldn't be well received. It's been down hill ever since. The thing that frustrates me is that America has plenty of it's own awards shows – The Grammys, The VMAs to name but a couple. If they want formal, well-behaved artists thanking everyone at the record label then they can watch those shows but please let us have our awards back in all their former glory! The UK invented Rock n Roll for gods sake and exported it to America. We've also been behind a large percentage of the most exciting musical innovations over the decades – Hard Rock, Punk, Metal, Dance/Rave. America has an amazing musical heritage, don't get me wrong (my favourite band are American so it would be hypocritical of me to say anything bad about their music scene!) they bought us New Wave, Rap, Thrash/Speed Metal, Motown & Grunge.

But please, please, please let us do music awards in our own, often clumsy, sometimes cringeworthy, occasionally brilliant, but uniquely British way!

Love Jen

XxxX

Attack Of The 50ft Anxiety Monster

Of course the other thing you don't think about when you're "getting better" and been signed off from the Psychologist is what happens when that opportunity to vent and talk to someone is also signed off.

When your anxieties have skyrocketed once again and you just know that something awful is about to happen and no matter how many times you mentally check things or take precautions in your head you have no idea where or from what/whom the threat is coming from. Or when your head is telling you that you've done or said something really bad and you wind people up by questioning them all the time to try and find out what your head has told you you've done and then try and make up for this supposed crime.

I can't spill out that writhing tumble of thoughts to anyone. I can't explain all the thoughts that rush through my head that keep me awake 'till the small hours or wake me up suddenly in a panic in the middle of the night. Or in fact the weird half-asleep hallucinations that I get, giant spiders scuttling across my roof is a favourite one or the random half a chair hanging from my ceiling the other night was quite entertaining, the weirdest thing is that none of these actually frighten me, it's like I know they'll vanish if I roll my eyes at them enough.

I don't want to burden family and friends with that, a mental health professional is different, they're paid to listen to me freak and ramble incoherently. People have waited too long for me to start getting better than for me to start unleashing all my stupid fears on them. How do you explain to someone exactly why Wednesday is a 'scary' day  ‎or that you currently carry around enough mental emergency planning for any and every possible disastrous situation to make COBRA look lazy (actually let's not get into that discussion).

I guess some people are cut out to do the "look at me I'm a noble survivor" thing whereas I guess I just don't have that strength of character, it's been trampled on and is a bit squishy from years of low mood and anxiety attacks.

I'm sure I'll feel better about things after I finally get more than about 3/4 hours sleep of a night time - and you all know how much I love sleeping! So on that note sweet dreams all and cross your fingers that I get to do the same.

Love Jen

XxxxX

Love Actually

At this rather pink and fluffy time of year it would be fitting for me to write one of two blog options - firstly to declare my undying love for that special someone and make you all feel particularly queasy or alternatively I could write a blog declaring love is dead and that I would be better off living up a mountain in the Himalayas with a small troop of mountain goats for company.

Thankfully I'm writing neither. I wanted to write a blog about love but didn't initially know where to start, as it may be apparent I am single and have been for the last few years. Since I've only ever been in one relationship that spanned nearly 7 years, two engagements and the eventual sad realization that two people who were once madly in love had drifted apart. I sometimes think the healing process, for me, would have been easier had it been a dramatic break-up full of thunder and lightening, rather it ended with a whimper than any shouting. That's all I'm going to say about the relationship, my ex is a good guy and doesn't deserve to be talked about on a blog by someone he hasn't spoken to in three years. With all that said I'm probably not the best person to ask about love and relationships, so what to write about?

Whenever people ask me whether "there's anyone" and I say no there's always a hint of sympathy, I'm not sure why. I genuinely, hand-on-heart do not miss being in a relationship. The way I look at it right now I can do what I want, go where I want and don't have to worry about what anyone else thinks. Plus it's not like the offers are rolling in .... shocking I know. But in all seriousness I honestly don't feel that I lack anything for not having a boy or girlfriend, I have amazing family and friends.

So I want to dedicate my blog to the people I love most in the world who make my world a better place, who support me when I need you the most and above all make life fun!

So in no particular order -

Estelle & Esme - My beautiful furbabies
Mum & Dad - Who never judge me but are there for me unconditionally
Helen - I couldn't ask for a better friend or a more awesome big sister
Monkey - For always taking the piss out of me and making me laugh .... oh and for fixing my laptop ;)
Grandma & Grandad - For still spoiling me whenever I come round and for giving me a home away from home
Vana - For making my baby bro happy and for being lovely
Gem - You introduced me to Baileys and hot chocolate and decorated my desk at work and of course introducing me to Ellie!
Hilary & Lydia - I'm so glad you guys are back in my life and I'll never let you guys down again
Kay - You are an inspiration to me and remind me never to give up
Gwenda, Sophie & Juliette - For making work fun and keeping me topped up with chocolate!

Love you all
Xx Jen xX

Brain Training (Without The Help Of A Video Game Professor)

*Warning* I'm about to say something really odd .......... yes odder than the "Ducks don't like the rain theory" and yes even odder than the theory I had in the summer of 2010 that Lady GaGa and Jared Leto were possibly the same person - come on they were both blonde at the time and had you ever seen them photographed in the same place at the same time? I rest my case! (Speaking of GaGa if anyone wants to go see her/supervise me whilst I go see her at the O2 in Oct then let me know 'cos I REALLY want to see her again!)

Anyway I digress, the main point of today's blog is not to solicit someone to accompany me to a concert but in fact to discuss something that no counselling session or self-help book seems to cover. What happens when you start to feel better? (At this point I must interject that I like to refer to myself as being *in recovery* rather than 'better' so that I don't jinx it.) The obvious Hollywood Movie-script answer is that I go skipping off into the sunset having achieved all my life goals, lost 3 stone, figured out the answer to life the universe and everything, oh and gotten beautifully swishy hair. The reality is not quite as straightfoward. 

The thing about feeling less depressed is that I seem to have acquired a whole lot of brain real-estate, whereas before I filled the space with black now it is sadly neglected with a few tumbleweeds blowing through. I find myself having to almost 'fill' it to make sure that anxieties don't sneak in an claim squatters rights! This is a bit easier on days when I'm tired and just want to sleep but on what would have been my more *manic* days, like the last few days in fact, when I need less sleep and am on fast foward with lots of mental energy to spare the brain space is jumping up and down like a 2 year old shouting "look at me". The best thing I can do with these periods is to try and dispel the energy through making things (thank god I broke my no-crafting duck on Saturday night with a pretty headband I made!) or drawing. 

My Pretty Rockabilly Style Headband

 

I'm also devouring books and films again at the moment, I've finally read and watched The Shining (awesome!) and am currently reading a book called "Careless People" which is about the 1920s and the writing of the Great Gatsby (fact fans amongst you will know that if I could be anyone it would be a flapper in the 20s and my joint favourite book is Gatsby). I've also just started reading "My Madder, Fatter Diary" by Rae Earl which is the follow-up to "Mad Fat Diary", I am starting to think that it may be based on my life. Rae the main character is music mad, fat, has a wicked sense of humour oh and mental, we even match right down to the Colon Polyps! .... sorry to anyone reading this over dinner .....

The other brain trick that I'm trying to eliminate is my tendency to have a hissy-fit and declare "EVERYTHING IS RUBBISH" to all and sundry when the tiniest thing goes wrong. Back in the bad days I could blame behaviors like that on being depressed/bipolar and whilst it's true that irritability and anger are one of bipolar's key symptoms now that I'm taking the meds I need to combat these negative patterns. An prime example was today when a theatre booking that me and Helen were planning on making fell through. I immediately decided that it was a disaster and that everything about today sucked, despite the fact that I had a real laugh at work today re-enacting the Cadbury's advert (This is actually me with some cleverly placed facial hair) and consuming their products. 

So whilst my medication has worked wonders on my mood and helped squash my anxiety I still need to work on the way my brain reacts to and processes things. I need to tell myself that eating pasta bake or sitting in the wrong part of the garden will not lead to bad things happening to my family and friends, that plans not quite working out is not a world-ending disaster. I would also like to point out that it's been 2 months and 23 days (ish) since I last cut myself so Dad you owe me that Chinese!

Love Jen

XxxxX

Karma Police

Well firstly you'll be pleased to know that my meds still seem to be working! I've had a few minor 'blips' and dips in mood and some anxiety episodes but on the whole things have been pretty positive. The only drawback I have noticed is that the tablets seem to have killed my creativity somewhat. I haven't made any jewellery or sewn anything (aside from a birthday present) since before Christmas and to be honest I'm feeling spectacularly uninspired at the moment. I haven't even taken a decent photograph in about 2 weeks! I know it's churlish to complain since the tablets are evidently doing their job and controlling my mood and that some things will be sacrificed "for the good of the cause" I just really wish it hadn't been my creative instincts. My craft books and magazines are gathering dust along with my fabric and jewellery bits. I'm really hoping that inspiration will pop back up again soon as I love the buzz of wearing or showing off something that I've made myself – is good for the ego don'tcha know?

My 'Re-introduction into society' is going well, I've been to see Lydia and Hilary a few times now and I may even brave the pub soon :p It was during a visit to Lydia's this week that we ended up looking on Facebook at people we went to school with. Disappointingly most of the people who used to pick on me are doing really well. A lot of them are working in TV, one is a nutritionist and the other is a teacher (bearing in mind that at school this girl did her best to dumb herself down to 'fit in' this strikes me as nothing short of a miracle!). Worse of all they all, aside from one, still look stunning (the odd one out appears to have turned herself into a plastic Barbie doll, I assume with the same level of intelligence).

I know that I really should have moved on by now seeing as I left school over 10 years ago but despite all the therapy and CBT techniques I just can't let go. It hurts even more seeing that karma evidentially hasn't 'got them', they're attractive and successful whereas I in all honesty am a chubby administrator at the bottom rung of the ladder with a broken mind who needs to be drugged up to the eyeballs just to function on a daily basis. I know I should be challenging my attitude and asking myself why, if they have moved on, can't I? I probably should let go of the idea that karma will punish them for their misdeeds because, sadly, life doesn't work out like that. I know also that it takes more energy to be bitter and resentful but I also hold the belief that they don't deserve my forgiveness – why should they get off scot-free for their actions? I do badly want to move on and forget what's happened but I really don't see how to do it. I can't erase my memories or mute my feelings. I don't even want revenge in a super-villain type manner, sadly I don't think I could compete with Moriaty's excellently plucked eyebrows (sorry to the non-Sherlock fans who will have no idea what I'm on about).

I guess the only way forward is to keep trying to get myself 'back to normal' and tell myself that that is the biggest "F you" to them all.

Love Jen

XxxX