You

You left such a massive hole in our lives.

You never knew how loved you were.

You were suffering so badly which is why I understand what you did and why.

You showed me that there is always that back-up option when things are that bad.

You always let me come round and hug your bunnies and Guinea Pigs, Estelle and Esme still live happily in your hutch.

You're the only person I know who took carrots to the cinema!

You borrowed my prescription sunglasses so you could watch the Wingwalkers more easily at Airbourne, much to my disgust!

You are solely responsible for my Wispa addiction......  Mostly

You made me die laughing when I woke up in the middle of the night to a text from you with the name of the 3rd chipmunk from Alvin & The Chipmunks that we had spent the whole evening trying to remember (It's Simon!!).

You are the reason I worry about and check-up on my friends and family every day.

You would be impressed by Esme's disapproving glare, especially when you could give quite the glare yourself.

Your love of Nesquick milkshake was legendary.

You were so so brave my love and I miss you so much.

Love you lots Nat, I hope you're safe and happy.

Jen
XxxX

A Long Way From Home

This morning it was reported that Newport council, in a effort to ‘deal’ with it’s homeless, are debating bringing in Public Order prosecutions or even £1000 fines for those ‘caught’ sleeping rough in the city. I think this is absolutely sickening. Firstly that human beings desperately in need of help are treated as some kind of vermin that needs to be swept away and second of all that the lack of thought going into these plans.

 

Now I admit that, thank god, neither I or anyone I know has ever had any first hand experience of being homeless but it would seem to me that being homeless is probably not a lifestyle choice.  People end up homeless for 100s of different reasons: poverty, running from abuse, drug or alcohol addiction or mental illness to name but a few. The powers that be in this country are wringing their hands about the refugee crisis that we have seen across Europe this summer whilst ignoring the problem, as they have done for many years, far closer to home. Whilst I agree that the refugee crisis is a humanitarian disaster and these people desperately need help, their stories are reported daily across the media. What about the stories of those living rough on the streets? Are their circumstances not as newsworthy?

 

Perhaps because the general consensus is that these unfortunate souls are ‘to blame’ for their situation it makes it easier to treat them as subhuman and look away from them when we pass them in the street. The most popular blame thrown is that they are drug and alcohol addicts and deserve to be on the streets. Opinion varies but I believe that, along with other disorders of the brain, addiction is a genuine illness. My OCD is a form of compulsion which is exactly what substance, alcohol or gambling addictions are, if I was on the street would it be my fault? Or those that have run away from domestic or sexual abuse, are they to blame too? Just as we are learning about the refugees’ individual traumas should we not also apply this to the homeless? Is one human being’s awful situation more valid than another’s just because fleeing from war or oppression is easier to accept than someone desperately in need of the same shelter and medical attention?

 

A large percentage of homeless are in fact ex-service personnel, often suffering from PTSD leading to addiction or poverty, can we surely not afford them the help they need when they have served and often put their lives on the line for this country? For them the conflict doesn’t end  in Iraq or Afghanistan they are still fighting for their lives every day just in a different theatre of war. Do these men and women not deserve dignity and our sympathy?

 

I know that there are not unlimited funds to help everyone but surely a little more money and attention could be given to not only helping those on the streets but identifying those potentially at risk of ending up homeless? I’m not anti-refugee in any way, shape or form, I just believe that to achieve the equality and humanitarian work that this country prides itself on that whilst we care for those fleeing war we also look after ‘our own’.

 

Love Jen

XxxX

Analyse This

I realised that I haven't reported back from my Psychiatrist appointment the week before last. What with the most important day of the year (Halloween) following in quick succesion my mind was obviously taken up with higher matters!

 

The appointment went as well as an appointment discussing someone's broken mind can go. Helen came with me which was good as she can provide outside insight into behaviours I exhibit or things I saw that seem normal to me but are actually not!

 

We discussed how the OCD element of my problems has been ruling my life over the last few months. Helen pointed out that it all got really bad after the Shoreham disaster, I guess it completely threw me when something so important to me is affected in that way. I also mentioned the retirement of the Vulcan, expecting to be laughed at but as he pointed out it's a passion of mine so the OCD would 'go for' it. Ditto with my music OCDs and also my worrying about the bunnies.

 

My mood is still quite up and down - not helped by the OCD attacks so my mood stabiliser Lamotrigine has been increased to 300MG. I also need to go to my GP to get some Propranolol for the anxiety that then spills into OCD *adds to to do list*. He asked about my general behaviours and it turns out that I'm not very good at picking up or working within social queues and situations. As well as quickly flipping into being angry (shame I don't go giant and green, although I don't think purple shorts would suit me!) Which apparently is classic Borderline behaviour.

 

Me being me I completely forgot to ask about any of the therapies I researched and whether they're availble here, which I highly doubt to be honest. And also what the 'prognosis' is for getting myself under control and if it's at all possible. So I'm going to construct a letter and whizz it off to them in the next few days.

 

Here's hoping that the meds increase starts to have a positive effect, obviously aside from my weird night time hallucinations of a 'prescence' standing over me, it's lucky it's not a real ghost/alien/shadow person as it would seriously not want to face the wrath of Jen when her (already poor) sleep is distrubed!.

 

Love Jen

XxxX