Nostalgia as they say is a wonderful thing.
Specifically nostalgia for the time I worked in the records library at the hospital. As my readers will know from previous blogs working in the records library was my favourite job ever and whenever I think of that period I get hit by a sense of longing so hard that it actually physically hurts.
The period between Sept 2010 – Nov 2011 was one of the happiest I’ve ever been but also one of the most anxious I’ve ever been too. So why do I look upon that time with such rose-tinted glasses? When I’m typing letters for patients and I see any dates of birth between those times it’s like I’ve been punched in the stomach, it also reminds me of how long ago it actually was. If I have cause to go downstairs to where the library used to be (it’s now offices) it makes me so sad. Even when the library was still there and I could sneak down when I returned to working at the hospital in 2015 it wasn’t the same, I wanted to be back there permanently. The reason/s I left were that my hours had been cut to 3 days a week and I was nagged to “get a proper permanent job with better prospects”. I followed that advice and we all know how that ended!
I think the reason that I look upon that time with such fondness was because life was so much simpler back then, especially when I started there; I was out of my awful job (it was a genuine shock to the system not to be screamed at every day and blamed for problems that were far beyond my control), I was still in a happy relationship with my fiancée (more of that later), my family and friends were all happy and healthy, I had gigs and other events to look forward to and I realised for the first time that it was possible to enjoy my work! Into the start on 2011 it was still all good, Helen and I had been to America and she was encouraging me in doing my own thing and exploring my other interests.
It started to go a little sour when my anxiety started around the spring of 2011. My grandad was unwell as was Helen, I began to realise that my relationship wasn’t what I wanted anymore. Grandad passed away in the March and I split with my fiancée at the end of the April (in fact my freedomversary is this week!) after he got more and more jealous of the time I was spending with Helen. I think it was these that triggered my anxiety and it built and built after that, I had thought that my depressive symptoms had disappeared as I’d felt so well for the previous 6 months (obviously I now know that the nature of my illness is that it’ll never be ‘kicked’ but will go through good and bad patches). I had a delightful run in with a Twitter troll at the end of 2011 sending my daily abuse; I later deduced that a girl called Kate who I had named as one of the reasons I’d left my job was behind it (kisses to you if you still feel the need to Twitter stalk me!).
It sounds like that time should have been hell on earth but it really wasn’t, the good times far outweighed the bad. As I mentioned before Helen and I had been to America to see Mars, which is still my favourite holiday of all time, we still have so many ‘jokes’ from that time and learnt that giving me cappuccino sends me into a deep sleep in hotel lobbies ….. I’d also lost so much weight purely from being on my feet collecting/pulling/delivery notes and actually looked good in my band t-shirts! I lost roughly 30 kilos in that time (you’ll have to translate that into old money!) and most importantly I could still consume vast amounts of Twirl Bites because of how active I was! A lot of the happiness centred on the simple fact that I was getting out and doing stuff! I hadn’t realised how little get up and go my fiancée had, Helen was up for days out to London or Brighton, going for a walk and of course the two other ‘tour’ holidays we had to Rome and Lille. They gave me the travel bug that I’d never had before and the desire to go to explore new places (case in point my recent voyage to Birmingham!). Plus she actually showed genuine interest in the rabbits … unfortunately this meant that they adopted her as their ‘human’ and ignored me completely (Esme still keeps this up today!).
My job was great, I mentioned before what a culture shock it was not being yelled at or having staff members actively looking for things I’d done wrong (or not to their liking) and adding it to a spreadsheet of my sins. Everyone was immediately welcoming and more than happy to show me the ropes, taking me out on multiple notes runs with them until I was entirely confident in doing them alone. We had nights out and a trip to the London Dungeon where we were amused to find a costumed actor who looked exactly like our boss! Aside from Gemma and Amanda at my previous job I’d never had any extra-curricular fun with workmates aside from the odd forced Christmas party. We spent so much time laughing, planning adult-sized play parks or having rubber band fights around the aisles it’s a wonder we got much done. I actually felt valued in my work when my manager commented “you’re a real grafter” when I asked him if he wanted me to pick up any of the dreaded loose filing.
I’m hoping that in a couple of years I look at my current situation in the same way hopefully I won’t jinx it by saying that life is pretty good at the moment. My moods *seem* to be under better control, I’m going out and having fun with my friends and family, I’m losing some weight and upping my activity levels, I’m taking tentative steps to becoming a secretary and I have loads of stuff planned to look forward to – RIAT, Airbourne, Eastbourne Pride, National Trust trips (Helen and I have just got a joint membership), hopefully a trip to the Egyptian museum in London and naturally hoping that Mars keep their promise for some more gigs! At the moment I’m focusing on ‘the moment’ I’m stopping myself worrying about the future or comparing my achievements to my friends as much as possible. I intend to spend the summer having fun, keeping active (hoping to start swimming again in the next few weeks and re-discover my inner mermaid) and as far as possible do the things that I want to do (so long as I don’t end up neglecting my family, friends, Esme etc) – if I want a nap in the garden I’m going to do it, if there’s a gig I want to go to then I’ll go, if I feel like a photography session when I have some time on my hands I’ll do it. I want life to be full of experiences again that will lift me up on my bad days.
I’m looking forward to the ride and hopefully you’ll all join me.
Love Jen
XxxX
