Isolation - A Stand Alone Novella

As a lot of writers do when they have a block on a story they go off and work on another story altogether (or so I've been told). So instead of getting the hotly anticipated follow-up to EMDR Chapter 1 we instead go to the Lockdown Diaries.

Here in the UK we went into full lockdown last Monday evening (pretty much a week save a few hours). Meaning that we can only go out of the house to A) work (if we're part of a vital service - HUGE  thanks to the amazing NHS, Retail and public transport workers keeping everything going and the public looked after) B) to shop (although we have to keep a distance of 2 meters apart at all times - my crowd hating person finds this absolute heaven) and C) to excercise such as walking Eos (and photographing her under pretty blossom trees). 

Apparently this lockdown is for a minimum of 3 weeks but is likely to go on far longer. And *spoiler* isolation sucks. Now to be fair I don't go out every day as it is, I'm often to low or anxious to leave the house except to go to my counselling/OT appointments or to see Helen. Because of the lockdown none of these things are happening now.

Not being able to see Helen is probably the hardest thing. She works at the same hospital I did until last summer when everything went tits up. So she's having to take the isolation incredibly seriously as she works on one of the wards. We've been friends for 10 years this summer (poor her!) and this is the longest we've been without physically seeing each other in that time. Thankfully we can still talk due to the wonders of WhatsApp and can parrall watch stuff on our laptops (Baby Yoda here we come). 

But not seeing your best friend when you live in the same town is horrible. I wasn't able to help her move on Wednesday, or help with the shopping at the weekend. A big source of support has been ripped away. Lots of people are getting really creative with online meet ups and quizzes etc but it just makes me feel even more alone.

Another support that has vanished are my counselling and OT sessions that I have every couple of weeks. My counselling particularly is a big hit. It's the only space I have to get the craziness in my head off of my chest, the only place I can really talk without freaking people out. The thoughts in my head have been getting worse and worse, most of my waking hours are spent counting the minutes until its time to go back to sleep wishing I had the courage to open my pill cabinet or deciding what pretty pattern to carve next. 

At times like this I rely on having things to look forward to that I can try and focus on but it's all getting cancelled due to this stupid pandemic. No airshows, no gigs, no anything for me. And being told that everyone is in the same boat really doesn't help, it just reinforces that I'm obviously too mentally weak to cope with something sensible people can. I've given up weighing myself now since my only joy in life is now chocolate, so bye bye to the weight loss I achieved and how proud everyone was of me. Once a fat loser (or gainer in this case) always a fat loser (gainer). 

I'm at breaking point and we're only a week in.

Love Jen

XxxX

EMDR Diaries - Chapter 1

For those of you who have the, er, pleasure (?) to follow me on social media (Twitter jenraefrances and Instagram jenraefrances very original I know!) you'll have see than I've started a treatment called EMDR (Click here  for more info about EMDR, if that's a bit wordy then a YouTube link is coming up!). 

The aim of EMDR is to help the brain re-process traumatic memories which will, in theory, 
 help stop my extreme reactions to certain stimuli and triggers. My Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) has been worsening since the summer which lead to me attemping suicide back in August (See my blog Cold Hard Facts - ***Trigger warning***). Whilst my bad memories will always be there, this treatment won't magically erase them but it will allow my brain to process the bullying, assault, loss etc correctly and hopefully lessen their impact.

I found a really useful YouTube video that explains it in a less Sci-Fi way. 

This video shows how an EDMR session works -

Before I started the treatment I was warned by my counsellor that the treatment can be tough as I'll be connecting with a lot of memories and emotions that my brain has repressed. I've been warned that I'll feel very unsettled for a number of days after each session There was also the likelihood that I'll have physical symptoms like tingling and twitches as my brain works to re-wire itself. To try and counter-act this my counsellor and I have been working on 'safe places' in my mind that I can access after the sessions to calm me such as airshows and happy memories. I have a long list of bad things to tackle, the usual suspects - bullying, loss etc so this will be a long slog. 

To start me off as gently as possible my counsellor, Helaine, has decided to start with the 'Memory Stick incident' from back in 2014. When you read any of my blogs from the summer of 2014, prior to being signed off in the Autumn, you'll be able to see the state I was left in (my blog Stuck from the time gives an idea, just bear in mind that at the time I was still working on the theory that I had Bi Polar rather than BPD). Now that I'm long gone from that job I can explain more about what went on and what the EMDR will be tackling. 

To cut a long story short whilst working for a local NHS Team I posted a memory stick to a nursing home containing patient information and it was lost in the post. This kicked off a massive incident as of course patient privacy was compromised (something that I never argued against and went out of my way to own up to), during the course of this it was decided to review my recent work and it was found that I had sent an information pack to an incorrect address (I still maintain that I was given the wrong details but that's neither here nor there). After that all of my work was scrutinised and management were constantly digging for mistakes I'd made. When I tried to stand up for myself I was told that I was "playing the mental health card" to avoid getting into trouble. The whole situation lead to my health spiralling out of control, loads of self-harming and my being signed off of work and eventually leaving. 

As we started the session Helaine asked me to bring this time to mind. I then had to watch the light bar that you saw in the video above for a few moments at a time (initially I made the mistake of trying to concentrate too hard on it and not follow the light bar but it turns out that once you've brought the memory to the front of your mind it stays there even when you're concentrating on the bar). The effect was immediate, I started having random tinglings and small pressures across my chest and throat (these are the spots where I normally 'feel stress', some people get knotted stomachs or breathlessness when they're stressed whereas mine sticks 'higher') and twinges in my shoulders.  

After the initial effects of the tinglings and pressures I actually stopped feeling anything for a little while until I suddenly got really tearful when I was struck by how much I'd loved my previous job working in the records library from 2010-2011 (you can read my memories of the time here). One of the things with the EMDR is that sudden insights will appear either during the session or in the days following about the memory you've been working on. Whilst I won't share the 'insights' I gained about my job I lost the memory stick with as they aren't pretty, I did realise that I was an easy target as I'm crap at standing up for myself or pointing out that I was the sole admin dealing with over 2000 cases, I did gain some interesting insights about my 'happy time' in the library; I realised that work was actually my 'safe space' and helped me cope with crap life threw at me at the time (my Grandad passing away, the breakdown of my 6 year relationship among other things) and still carry on smiling. I realised that I was 'mourning' that time so to speak, not just the job itself or that it was a good time in my life for travelling and having fun. But mourning the loss of that safety, positivity and most importantly the friends I left behind when I moved on, colleagues who made me feel welcome from day one and included me and, most importantly, were only ever nice to me. The ironic thing is that the only reason I left was because my hours had been cut to 3 days a week ....

The session ended with 'grounding' me again, accessing my 'happy/safe' space and putting me back into a calm mindset.

In the days following an EMDR session you can be left quite unsettled both mentally and physically (in some cases apparently you can be left twitchy or tingly for a couple of days). Physically I was fine, aside from some shoulder tension, but I've had a lot of work-related bad dreams or general anxiety dreams. The dreams have mostly been around a different job I had prior to the library when I was bullied (another reason I loved the library so much, no-one screamed across the room or down the phone at me!), having to start working there again and seeing the managers who made my life hell. I've also been quite low and tearful feeling as well as a slight stressed feeling bubbling away in the background. 

My next session will be a week Tuesday and we'll continue to work on this memory until my brain has processed it properly and it no longer brings up the emotional response anymore. After that we'll move onto other subjects which I admit to being quite nervous about, if I cried whilst working through this 'not too bad' memory lord knows how I'll be when focusing on losing Stelly or school. I want to try and keep up a blog of my EMDR experiences on the off chance that someone who's curious about the treatment or, like me, is trying it out for the first time will stumble across it in the depths of the interwebs and might find it helpful.

If the EMDR helps even just a bit then it'll be worth it, if I can have just a bit of breathing space then I can start piecing things back together a bit. It's not a cure and it won't remove my BPD, OCD and self-harming tendencies but what it can do is help unblock my brain to give me a better chance at reigning them in a bit.

Love Jen
XxxX