I had my appointment with the psychiatric nurse last week with Mum. I have to say the nurse was probably the first really helpful psychiatric professional I have ever met. She really listened (unlike the woman who did my PIP assessment last month) and actually made me feel like my feelings were valid so I didn't feel as stupid as I do normally. It was hard going, giving a history of all the crap that I've dealt with (which just reinforces a lot of the feelings associated with the experiences), seeing Mum so upset broke my heart and then dissolving into tears as I mentioned Stelly dying a couple of years ago.
Having to face up to everything in appointments like that is horrible. Seeing the effect that my illness has on my loved ones and carrying that guilt with me. I know how hard supporting someone you care about with a mental illness is because of Nat, it's wearing worrying about them, worrying that you should be doing more. I try so hard to keep a lid on what I say or do in front of my friends and family for that reason, but sometimes it bursts out of me and I feel guilty for it, no-one wants tears or a long, moany WhatsApp conversation when they have their own lives and problems to deal with.
The Nurse, Debbie, has given me information about local services. One of which is a 'recovery college' but none of the courses are applicable to me. There's a centre that I went to for a few sessions that have groups that do things like walking, arts or wood work in the countryside (yeah me and a saw probably wouldn't mix) but it's the group element that's the problem. The thought of mixing with people I don't know is tightening my chest up and clenching my stomach just thinking about it. Another potential issue is that the groups run their own therapy sessions which is great but obviously I already see a counsellor who I'm comfortable with and I really don't want to go through everything, especially the sexual assault, with a stranger. Unfortunately it may have to happen because to have any chance of claiming any kind of help from Adult Social Care or DWP I need to show that I'm engaging with NHS services rather than a private counsellor (paid for by Mum and Dad which i feel awful about), apparently it looks like I can afford private treatment and so don't need financial support....
Apparently I should also be going out every day and not sleeping during the day 🙄. Whilst I get the thinking behind it whether I sleep in the day or not tends to have no bearing on whether I sleep at night. Even when I'm exhausted and haven't slept during the day it takes me at least 30-40 minutes to get off to sleep and that's on a good night. I also use naps during the day as a coping mechanism, if my brain is worked up and I'm having bad thoughts or my anxiety is exploding sometimes the only thing I can do is get under the covers and try and nap it out. It's the same as the days (well most days of the week let's be honest) when I'm really bad and even going down to Esme is almost impossible. Going out the front gate just isn't going to happen.
Debbie also said I need to do things I enjoy etc which would be great if I was getting any enjoyment out of anything at the moment. Due to not having a job and scraping a few pennies from Universal Credit I can't afford to do the things I enjoy, visiting friends, taking myself off somewhere for the day, going to gigs (not that I'm even listening to much music at the moment TBH) just aren't an option, admittedly even if I did have the money just the thought of going out, and having to potentially interact with members of the public, is enough to bring me out in a cold sweat! I've hardly touched my camera as I just haven't had any interest in snapping anything, plus with the weather being so crap there's nothing to photograph. I spend the day doing cross-stitch (not that I can afford fabric so that's limited) and watching rubbish on YouTube/bingeing on ER (thank you All4 for putting those on) or of course napping. I'd love to say I've decided to use the time to do some learning but I just don't have the brain capacity or concentration anymore. Far too many years of Meds frying my brain methinks.
I just feel that all those positive changes I made last year, diet, exercise, even starting this year off with a new job have now just been for nothing. I ended 2018 feeling OK(ish) with myself whereas it's now the tail end of 2019 and I'm fatter again, poor, out of a job, of no help to my family or friends and just wondering exactly what all this is worth?
Love Jen
XxxX
Oh and my urgent psychiatrist appointment is 24th Jan next year 🤣
