The Edge Of Glory

*Big Brother voice* week two of the new job and I'm suffering the stress already. It's not even that the job is that hard, it's just impatience with myself as I'm still making mistakes or unable to remember how to do things. Everyone keeps telling me to chill out, and I'd love to but in the words of the goddess GaGa I wasn't Born This Way. I'm so paranoid about making mistakes because of my last job (thanks guys) that I'm on edge all the time, I have neck ache from tensing up for god's sake. My main worry is that because I am a temporary Bank Administrator they are well within their rights to turn round and tell me not to come back if I mess up.

Don't get me wrong, everyone I've met so far has been lovely especially Danielle the supervisor (she also has the best collection of headbands I've ever seen on anyone aside from me!) but I do feel that I must be annoying them all with the amount of questions I ask! The Clinical Admin are a pretty big team and all swap jobs around (I'm hoping that'll be the case for me too as I really want to do notes prepping and that kind of thing) which actually grants me a lot of anonymity as I don't see the same people day after day. Usually when I'm in a new job I go out of my way to make friends and get to know people and latch onto connections immediately (apparently it's some kind of seeking acceptance because of my low self-esteem according to my book) but this time I can't afford to.

If I open up to the wrong person about my history or even a hobby or something that they don't approve of then that could also see me gone. So I have mastered the art of listening to people and asking questions about themselves and if I get asked anything (luckily all I've been asked so far is where I worked before and "Are you Trish Richardson's daughter?") I give the simplest and most non-commital answer possible. I make sure I'm always polite and friendly (my cheeks ache from smiling) but I have to leave it at that.

Of course the problem with having a public facing NHS job is that I have to comply with the uniform policy which today meant having to remove my lip stud (Dad and Grandma I can hear you cheering from here),  I'm a bit pissed off about it as I clearly saw a nurse the other day walking round with double the amount of facial piercings I have! I'm compromising with myself by keeping it in at the weekends and putting it back in when I get home from work but it honestly felt like removing a piece of me when I took it out earlier.

It did make me think about the whole identity thing, well my own anyway. The things that I find most key to my physical identity are all 'additions', I wasn't born with my piercings (10) and tattoos (7 soon to be 8) but they feel more 'me' than say my nose or eyebrows. I guess this goes back to the whole self-esteem thing, because I don't like myself it's my way of attempting to mould myself into the person I want to be. It's ironic really that things that make me stand out from the crowd actually allow me to hide, people focus on my body art or what I'm wearing and don't look any further. I adore my beautiful tattoos, each with it's own meaning, and to be honest they are the only part of myself that I find beautiful or attractive.

I love showing off tattoos, before I got the ones on my arm I would never wear sleeveless tops or dresses as I hated my flabby arms and the spots that cover them (I never grew out of teenage skin or mentality for that matter!) but because I have beautiful drawings on them now I can't bear to cover them. The tattoos give me confidence that I didn't have before, I can't wait for the summer to have even more reason to have my arms out!

People often look down on tattoos or piercings as being tacky or cheap or that the person with them is some kind of lowlife (I like to remind these people that Winston Churchill had a tattoo!) but I don't see it that way. Everyone has tattoos or body alterations for a different reason, for me my piercings look cool and make me appear tougher than I feel and are just generally badass. My tattoos with the exception of my 30 Seconds To Mars triad are all my own designs and an to me are an extension of my creativity but also mark important stages in my life (see my blog My Tattoos A Spotters Guide for their various inspirations and meanings).

And of course there is always room for more ..........

Love Jen
XxxxX

Why do we always sing the blues?

I know I should be feeling really positive and happy right now. I'm out of the horrible work environment and am back at the hospital which is what I wanted. So why do I feel so low and empty?

When the alarm goes off in the morning I feel depressed, if I'm lucky in the past when I've woken up low or anxious once I start moving about, go down to the girls it starts to shift. At the moment the mood doesn't shift.

Everyone at work has been so welcoming, but because of how unless and stupid I was made to feel at my last job I'm just waiting to make a mistake or screw something up and be told not to come back. I'm trying hard to make myself friendly but without telling anyone anything about myself (mostly by asking people questions about themselves or the job). Normally I would be keen to make friends and share common interests with people but now I'm scared to make friends. I got so burned by being upfront about my illness before there is no way I'm doing it again.

When I went to visit the girls I worked with before one of them commented that they missed me because I was always smiling when I was there. I feel like a completely different person nowadays almost that I don't inhabit the same body and certainly not the same mind. My face aches from all the fake smiling I'm doing to the patients I'm booking in.

I know how damn ungrateful I must sound, I've got exactly what I wanted - a fresh start, a group of colleagues who know nothing about my past and a less complicated job.

So why am I so empty and feeling so rubbish?

Love Jen
XxxX

6 Simple Things

After Saturday's blog where I reflected on the coming of spring and the positive feeling it always gives me.

I was thinking about what else perks me up,  whilst there are the obvious things like music, chocolate and a good G&T here I'm going to list things that I technically have no control over. I can always grab a CD or my ipod to put on a favourite song, chocolate is just a shop or vending machine away and Gin lives in the kitchen cupboard. These are the things that aren't immediately obvious but really do make a difference.

1. When I've actually managed to catch Estelle and/or Esme for a cuddle and we're sat on the chair in the garden, snuggling my face into their fur and smelling their bunny smell - I'm sure they love me really.

2. Being in the garden at dawn/dusk when all the birds are starting to sing their morning or evening songs.

3. During the summer watching the Housemartins and Swifts wheeling through the sky. When they start to arrive it means summer will be along soon too.

4. The particular deep blue that the sky goes in the summer, I've not seen it that exact colour any other time of the year.

5. Unexpected post, whether it's a card from Helen to make me laugh or mail from as far away as America, Canada or Gosport!

6. Sunrises and sunsets, whatever the time of year, if there isn't too much cloud cover you're guaranteed a lovely sunset or sunrise. At that moment everything feels ok in the world no matter what else is going on.

Love Jen
XxxX

Springing Into Life

Hi everyone, feeling pretty energized today (shocker) I think it's a combination of a sunny few days, new job and one of my 'high' moods (my mood is still at the "yay everything's awesome" stage that I get before it goes into "aaaagh can't sleep, everything is scary, hyper brain" mode).

I guess I better start with the new job. I started on Thursday and as I mentioned in my previous blog it's kinda like temping work (it's posh official title is Temporary Workforce Services) so for the two days I've been working on the Trauma & Orthopedics (T&O) reception. I don't think I've made any howling mistakes yet (I'm so paranoid now after the old job), it's basically booking people in, making follow up appointments, making sure the lists for the clinics are printed out etc.

I'm rota-d to be on the T&O desk all next week (aside from Weds when I'm on the main reception, which I'm hoping is fairly similar) and being left on my own Friday afternoon. So hopefully I'll pick up everything I need to before then else it could be pretty interesting! I'm hoping that I'll get the opportunity to do some of the other clinic-clerking jobs too, prepping notes for clinics etc as I want to be on my feet as much as possible (got to justify the *work Dr Martens* boots I bought somehow!).

I can't quite get used to having an hour's lunch, it'll be ok on the days I'm on the same lunch slot as Helen as we can witter away on WhatsApp but on days when I'm *on my own* it'll be strange. I'm so used to squeezing in eating of lunch, running to Asda etc into half an hour I was bored after 15 minutes on Friday! On sunny days I plan to walk round Hampden Park which is next to the hospital and hopefully catch a glimpse of the Albino Squirrel that is rumoured to have taken up residence. But on cold or wet days I'll be bored stiff if I don't remember my Kindle.

Spring has sprung here over the last week, on Monday I went to visit their Royal Highnesses Grandma & Grandad and the crocuses and other flowers in their garden looked gorgeous.

I killed time in my lunch hour yesterday by wandering around the hospital grounds admiring the flowers. 

Daffodils next to my 'lunch bench' 

Loads of blossom about too!

There is also a Blackbird that apparently tries to get into the T&O reception window pretty much every morning so I shall try to get a snap of him if I can. I love Blackbirds, I think their song is lovelier than any other birds'. In the summer evenings I love sitting in our garden at sunset listening to the pair that we have singing to each other. 

Spring has also sprung in the bunny kingdom too, Estelle and Esme have been waiting in their run each morning at half 6 when I go out to them. 

Being careful not to acknowledge me until breakfast is served

Today's been beautiful, so lovely in fact that I walked into town which only took about 50 minutes even at my slow waddle! The girls have also had their first play in the grass run. It seemed to go down pretty well if bunny satisfaction is judged in shooting round the run at about 60mph (Esme) or jumping and spinning on the spot (Estelle). I even managed a quick snooze in the sun (obviously) there is something I really love about waking up outside in the fresh air. 

My girls are not spoilt, all bunnies have a fort made for them by their Grandad's right?

As I type I'm looking out of my window, which is propped open to let in the fresh air that I love. 

And do you know what, at this second in time everything feels good. Forget about 5 minutes time or tomorrow or the week after, I'm focused on this second and feeling happy. 

That's what it's all about really isn't it?

Love Jen

XxxX