EMDR Diaries - Pushing Pause

Hi everyone hope you're all doing as OK as possible? As my blog readers will know I've been undergoing EMDR therapy to try and help with some of the traumatic experiences that have seriously affected my mental health. 

My counsellor and I started off gradually covering experiences that were lower down my 'trauma scale'. We started off by working on a bad workplace experience (the link for that blog and an explanation of EMDR can be found here). We then moved on to losing my beautiful Stelly. The aim isn't for you to forget the events but to take some of the 'sting' out of them. For example when it comes to Stelly when I think about losing her I no longer blame myself for what happened, nor do I feel such overwhelming emotion. Instead I've been able to focus on my lovely memories of her and all the mischief she and Esme used to get up to (don't worry Esme still gets up to enough mischief on her own) and yes feel sad, mourn her and miss her but without such an intense reaction.

The next plan was to start working on the bullying trauma, which is the really big one that has shaped who I am still to this day. We had one whole session and a half session of trying but I felt nothing. EMDR works on your physical reactions to memories, for example when I was focusing on Stelly I was actually 'sick' (without actually being sick or retching it was the weirdest sensation) or when we were working on the work problems my forearms tingled where I used to cut them to relieve the stress). So to feel absolutely nothing to the point of being numb was really odd. Essentially I think my brain has tried to detach itself so far from school that I can't connect the physical reactions.

After trying for the first half hour of a session with no reaction we decided to try and see if I could work through the sexual assault and some other uncomfortable experiences of that nature I've had. I connected with this and had some quite unpleasant sensations that I won't detail here as they are quite triggering for anyone who happens to be reading who's had similar experiences (🤗🤗🤗 to you if you have).

Unfortunately I've had to pause the sessions temporarily as the memories, thoughts and feelings that it bought up were pretty overwhelming and lead to me self-harming again and feeling 'unsafe' (my code word for suicidal). I was back to feeling disgusted with my body and self as a whole, before my first experience in the first few weeks of secondary school I'd never really thought about my body that much but it was after that my feelings of disgust and general embarrasment around how I look started and never left. Put it this way even when I was thin I felt uncomfortable, imagine how gross I feel now 🤣.

It also dredged up my memories of being 'frigid' and 'unnatural' due to my own sexual dysfunction (one of the large factors as to why I'd never entertain being in a relationship again). My fear about how people see me, benefit of dressing like a goth and being fat is that no-one looks at you as being potentially attractive - a top tip there (you're welcome 🤣).

So due to all of the above the EMDR has been paused until I can become a bit more stable again (lots of other life worries at the moment so it may be some time). I do want to continue as these memories need to be worked though alongside some others such as deaths of friends and family, relationship breakdowns etc.

On a cheerful note to end the blog I've been doing plenty of Halloween 🦇 🎃 decoration shopping (if you follow me on good ole Instagram jenraefrances you'll have been spammed with pictures and videos in my stories) and I was wondering if anyone would like to see blogs about them and my Halloween prepping in the run up to the big day! Let me know.

Love Jen

XxxX

EMDR Diaries - Chapter 1

For those of you who have the, er, pleasure (?) to follow me on social media (Twitter jenraefrances and Instagram jenraefrances very original I know!) you'll have see than I've started a treatment called EMDR (Click here  for more info about EMDR, if that's a bit wordy then a YouTube link is coming up!). 

The aim of EMDR is to help the brain re-process traumatic memories which will, in theory, 
 help stop my extreme reactions to certain stimuli and triggers. My Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) has been worsening since the summer which lead to me attemping suicide back in August (See my blog Cold Hard Facts - ***Trigger warning***). Whilst my bad memories will always be there, this treatment won't magically erase them but it will allow my brain to process the bullying, assault, loss etc correctly and hopefully lessen their impact.

I found a really useful YouTube video that explains it in a less Sci-Fi way. 

This video shows how an EDMR session works -

Before I started the treatment I was warned by my counsellor that the treatment can be tough as I'll be connecting with a lot of memories and emotions that my brain has repressed. I've been warned that I'll feel very unsettled for a number of days after each session There was also the likelihood that I'll have physical symptoms like tingling and twitches as my brain works to re-wire itself. To try and counter-act this my counsellor and I have been working on 'safe places' in my mind that I can access after the sessions to calm me such as airshows and happy memories. I have a long list of bad things to tackle, the usual suspects - bullying, loss etc so this will be a long slog. 

To start me off as gently as possible my counsellor, Helaine, has decided to start with the 'Memory Stick incident' from back in 2014. When you read any of my blogs from the summer of 2014, prior to being signed off in the Autumn, you'll be able to see the state I was left in (my blog Stuck from the time gives an idea, just bear in mind that at the time I was still working on the theory that I had Bi Polar rather than BPD). Now that I'm long gone from that job I can explain more about what went on and what the EMDR will be tackling. 

To cut a long story short whilst working for a local NHS Team I posted a memory stick to a nursing home containing patient information and it was lost in the post. This kicked off a massive incident as of course patient privacy was compromised (something that I never argued against and went out of my way to own up to), during the course of this it was decided to review my recent work and it was found that I had sent an information pack to an incorrect address (I still maintain that I was given the wrong details but that's neither here nor there). After that all of my work was scrutinised and management were constantly digging for mistakes I'd made. When I tried to stand up for myself I was told that I was "playing the mental health card" to avoid getting into trouble. The whole situation lead to my health spiralling out of control, loads of self-harming and my being signed off of work and eventually leaving. 

As we started the session Helaine asked me to bring this time to mind. I then had to watch the light bar that you saw in the video above for a few moments at a time (initially I made the mistake of trying to concentrate too hard on it and not follow the light bar but it turns out that once you've brought the memory to the front of your mind it stays there even when you're concentrating on the bar). The effect was immediate, I started having random tinglings and small pressures across my chest and throat (these are the spots where I normally 'feel stress', some people get knotted stomachs or breathlessness when they're stressed whereas mine sticks 'higher') and twinges in my shoulders.  

After the initial effects of the tinglings and pressures I actually stopped feeling anything for a little while until I suddenly got really tearful when I was struck by how much I'd loved my previous job working in the records library from 2010-2011 (you can read my memories of the time here). One of the things with the EMDR is that sudden insights will appear either during the session or in the days following about the memory you've been working on. Whilst I won't share the 'insights' I gained about my job I lost the memory stick with as they aren't pretty, I did realise that I was an easy target as I'm crap at standing up for myself or pointing out that I was the sole admin dealing with over 2000 cases, I did gain some interesting insights about my 'happy time' in the library; I realised that work was actually my 'safe space' and helped me cope with crap life threw at me at the time (my Grandad passing away, the breakdown of my 6 year relationship among other things) and still carry on smiling. I realised that I was 'mourning' that time so to speak, not just the job itself or that it was a good time in my life for travelling and having fun. But mourning the loss of that safety, positivity and most importantly the friends I left behind when I moved on, colleagues who made me feel welcome from day one and included me and, most importantly, were only ever nice to me. The ironic thing is that the only reason I left was because my hours had been cut to 3 days a week ....

The session ended with 'grounding' me again, accessing my 'happy/safe' space and putting me back into a calm mindset.

In the days following an EMDR session you can be left quite unsettled both mentally and physically (in some cases apparently you can be left twitchy or tingly for a couple of days). Physically I was fine, aside from some shoulder tension, but I've had a lot of work-related bad dreams or general anxiety dreams. The dreams have mostly been around a different job I had prior to the library when I was bullied (another reason I loved the library so much, no-one screamed across the room or down the phone at me!), having to start working there again and seeing the managers who made my life hell. I've also been quite low and tearful feeling as well as a slight stressed feeling bubbling away in the background. 

My next session will be a week Tuesday and we'll continue to work on this memory until my brain has processed it properly and it no longer brings up the emotional response anymore. After that we'll move onto other subjects which I admit to being quite nervous about, if I cried whilst working through this 'not too bad' memory lord knows how I'll be when focusing on losing Stelly or school. I want to try and keep up a blog of my EMDR experiences on the off chance that someone who's curious about the treatment or, like me, is trying it out for the first time will stumble across it in the depths of the interwebs and might find it helpful.

If the EMDR helps even just a bit then it'll be worth it, if I can have just a bit of breathing space then I can start piecing things back together a bit. It's not a cure and it won't remove my BPD, OCD and self-harming tendencies but what it can do is help unblock my brain to give me a better chance at reigning them in a bit.

Love Jen
XxxX

(Not so) Helpful reccomendations

Well for better or worse I'm still here. It's now been 2 months since I took my overdose and nothing has really changed.

I had my appointment with the psychiatric nurse last week with Mum. I have to say the nurse was probably the first really helpful psychiatric professional I have ever met. She really listened (unlike the woman who did my PIP assessment last month) and actually made me feel like my feelings were valid so I didn't feel as stupid as I do normally. It was hard going, giving a history of all the crap that I've dealt with (which just reinforces a lot of the feelings associated with the experiences), seeing Mum so upset broke my heart and then dissolving into tears as I mentioned Stelly dying a couple of years ago.

Having to face up to everything in appointments like that is horrible. Seeing the effect that my illness has on my loved ones and carrying that guilt with me. I know how hard supporting someone you care about with a mental illness is because of Nat, it's wearing worrying about them, worrying that you should be doing more. I try so hard to keep a lid on what I say or do in front of my friends and family for that reason, but sometimes it bursts out of me and I feel guilty for it, no-one wants tears or a long, moany WhatsApp conversation when they have their own lives and problems to deal with. 

The Nurse, Debbie, has given me information about local services. One of which is a 'recovery college' but none of the courses are applicable to me. There's a centre that I went to for a few sessions that have groups that do things like walking, arts or wood work in the countryside (yeah me and a saw probably wouldn't mix) but it's the group element that's the problem. The thought of mixing with people I don't know is tightening my chest up and clenching my stomach just thinking about it. Another potential issue is that the groups run their own therapy sessions which is great but obviously I already see a counsellor who I'm comfortable with and I really don't want to go through everything, especially the sexual assault, with a stranger. Unfortunately it may have to happen because to have any chance of claiming any kind of help from Adult Social Care or DWP I need to show that I'm engaging with NHS services rather than a private counsellor (paid for by Mum and Dad which i feel awful about), apparently it looks like I can afford private treatment and so don't need financial support.... 

Apparently I should also be going out every day and not sleeping during the day 🙄. Whilst I get the thinking behind it whether I sleep in the day or not tends to have no bearing on whether I sleep at night. Even when I'm exhausted and haven't slept during the day it takes me at least 30-40 minutes to get off to sleep and that's on a good night. I also use naps during the day as a coping mechanism, if my brain is worked up and I'm having bad thoughts or my anxiety is exploding sometimes the only thing I can do is get under the covers and try and nap it out. It's the same as the days (well most days of the week let's be honest) when I'm really bad and even going down to Esme is almost impossible. Going out the front gate just isn't going to happen. 

Debbie also said I need to do things I enjoy etc which would be great if I was getting any enjoyment out of anything at the moment. Due to not having a job and scraping a few pennies from Universal Credit I can't afford to do the things I enjoy, visiting friends, taking myself off somewhere for the day, going to gigs (not that I'm even listening to much music at the moment TBH) just aren't an option, admittedly even if I did have the money just the thought of going out, and having to potentially interact with members of the public, is enough to bring me out in a cold sweat!  I've hardly touched my camera as I just haven't had any interest in snapping anything, plus with the weather being so crap there's nothing to photograph. I spend the day doing cross-stitch (not that I can afford fabric so that's limited) and watching rubbish on YouTube/bingeing on ER (thank you All4 for putting those on) or of course napping. I'd love to say I've decided to use the time to do some learning but I just don't have the brain capacity or concentration anymore. Far too many years of Meds frying my brain methinks.

I just feel that all those positive changes I made last year, diet, exercise, even starting this year off with a new job have now just been for nothing. I ended 2018 feeling OK(ish) with myself whereas it's now the tail end of 2019 and I'm fatter again, poor, out of a job, of no help to my family or friends and just wondering exactly what all this is worth? 

Love Jen

XxxX

Oh and my urgent psychiatrist appointment is 24th Jan next year 🤣