HOPING THAT THE PSYCHIATRIST WHO ASSURED ME A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO THAT I'D 'GROW OUT' OF BPD WAS RIGHT. AS I'M GETTING PRETTY SICK OF DEBATING WHETHER THE STUGGLE IS WORTH IT AND WHETHER IT'S BETTER TO JACK IT ALL IN AND SAVE EVEYONE ELSE THE BURDEN

When you see the effect you have on the lives of your loved ones you wonder what the kindest thing for them would be. In a "It's not you, it's me, very very much me" way.

Of course the only 'you's' really are those who helped contribute to this point. Those of you at Willingdon who decided that groping me in front of 20 other 11 year olds and shaming ME for it for the next 5 years. The rest of you who stood back and laughed. You guys who thought it was great sport to mock my looks, mannerisms, clothing, hobbies etc on a daily basis, shoot at me with BB guns, shower the back of my head with projectiles during lessons every day. Congratufuckingwelldone I hope this makes you laugh that one last time.

The other you's at CMS/Veritek who thought it was acceptable to scream in my face or across the office at me. Blame me for everything that went wrong though you knew full well I had no control over what was happening. Keeping spreadsheets of all my 'mistakes' over the 4 years I was there, damn I bet that was a good read.

Shall I list your names both school and work colleagues? Shame you like you gleefully did me? As tempting as it is I know there's no point, you'd either not remember or still feel justified in your actions. Because of course I brought it on myself through my own inadequacies, silly, silly Jen.

They could of course been onto something. Maybe some people are just too inadequate?

Lucky mental health nurse who gets to talk to me later. Hope she gets paid enough. 

2020 In Music

Well, it might have been a god awful year for pretty much everyone around the world but my goodness has it been a fantastic one for music! 

Hi everyone how are you all doing? It's time for my favourite blog of the year the music review and this year it's a corker (in my humble opinion). I always love writing about music (as you may have noticed) and the music reviews are a great way to round off every year no matter how good or bad it's been, you can read previous year's blogs for 2019, 2018, 2017 and 2016 . 

This is a really tricky blog as there has been so much music that I've loved this year. In fact for the first time I'm having to award 'Album Of The Year' to multiple recipients as I simply can't chose between them, possibly the best problem I've ever had! 

Album(s) of the year (click on the song titles to check out the videos on YouTube) -

Lady GaGa - Chromatica

What a return to form! 2016's Joanne was by no means a bad album but it was a real departure from anything GaGa had done before but I feel it was the the album that GaGa needed to make to move onto Chromatica so to speak. Chromatica is GaGa back to her traditional dance pop best but it's by no means a happy,clappy vapid pop record. There are some really raw lyrics about GaGa's experiences with mental illness that particularly hit home to me, however it's not a depressing album. When promoting the album GaGa expressed her desire for us to "dance through our pain" and the album helps us do just that, there is positivity to be found such as Rain On Me's "I'll never be dry but at least I'm alive". I cannot wait to hear the songs live when the Chromatica Ball lands in London. 

Best songs on the album - 

Rain On Me ft Ariana Grande my favourite song on the album!

Stupid Love

Alice

Enigma

Bring Me The Horizon - Post Survival Horror

This is BMTH's second consecutive year as album of the year *round of applause* and I love it even more than last year's Amo. I think what I particularly love about Post Survival are the collaborations with Yungblud, Amy Lee, Babymetal and Nova Twins. In my opinion really good collaborations are hard to come by, you can put artists together but the results aren't always great (for example as much as I love 30 Seconds To Mars the addition of Kanye West on Hurricane or A$AP Rocky on Rescue Me add absolutely nothing to two songs that are perfect on their own) but on here they are awesome. The album is nice and heavy with just the right amount of 'scream'. I got into BMTH way back in 2011 after seeing them at Reading and I'm finally going to be seeing them again at the O2 in September. 

Best songs on the album -

Obey ft Yungblud I can't stress how much I adore this song!

Ludens

1x1

Yungblud - Weird!

I've spent a large amount of 2020 getting into Yungblud and his back catalogue (more of that down below) and feeling pretty down with the cool kids if I saw so myself. Yungblud's music is a real melting pot of different musical influences - you can hear elements of Emo, Rap and Brit Pop but importantly he still sounds completely original. Weird! is a great album with really smart, witty lyrics but with an undercurrent of darker reflections of mental illness and isolation. Those lyrics rather than just being depressing also help his fans feel less alone which is something that Yungblud is keen to express in interviews along with his campaigning for the LGBTQ+ community. Another gig I can't wait for next year!

Best songs on the album -

Cotton Candy

God Save Me, But Don’t Drown Me Out

Strawberry Lipstick

It's Quiet In Beverley Hills

Honourable Mentions -

The Killers - Imploding The Mirage - The most Killers sounding Killers album in years. Best song My Own Soul's Warning

Green Day - Father Of All Motherfuckers - Short, sharp and great. Best song Oh Yeah

Songs of the year -

We've also had some absolute tunes this year-

Billie Eilish - Therefore I Am

Deftones - Error

Royal Blood - Trouble's Coming

The Pretty Reckless - 25

I also want to mention some older music I've only heard for the first time time this year that I've really enjoyed -

Motionless In White - Another Life

Motionless In White - Voices

Yungblud ft Dan Reynolds - Original Me

Yungblud - Hope For The Underrated Youth

I'd really love to know what's soundtracked your guy's 2020 and helped you through the year, comment below or drop me a tweet @jenraefrances  on Twitter. 

Take care and stay safe.

Love Jen

XxxX