Dreaming Of Spires - A Day Out In Oxford

 

Last week I was finally able to re-visit Oxford for the first time in 18 years. My previous visit had been on a college trip en route to Stratford-Upon-Avon (I was able to re-visit there back in 2018 - you can read my blog here) and we only had a couple of hours to explore. I have a vague memory of one college and the covered market and bicycles, lots of bicycles 😂.

As we have with previous trips Mum and I went with Lynn's Travel (I'm going on a day trip to Glastonbury with them next month) so a 'coach selfie' was in order!

When we arrived in Oxford the first place we visited was the Ashmolean Musem to see some early Italian Renaissance paintings (see I can be cultured!) and Japanese artifacts. We found this amazing Samurai armour. 

There was also an Egyptian section which involved some Eos spotting (explanation in my last blog). 

The Hieroglyphs translate as "Throw my damn ball"

For comparison

After the museum we made our way through the streets passing the beautiful Town Hall.

Our first glimpse of Christ Church College

Our next destination and the part of the trip I looked forward to the most was Christ Church College, not for any intellectual reasons but for it's Alice In Wonderland and Harry Potter links .. sorry about that .....

 

The college is absolutely beautiful with a courtyard designed by Sir Christopher Wren, it reminded me a lot of the Royal Naval College at Greenwich also designed by him. 

Christ Church also has a beautiful cathedral

As I mentioned before the main reason for my visit was for the college's Alice and Harry Potter associations. A number of scenes from Hogwarts were filmed here including the stairs at the front entrance of the castle. 

I made it to Hogwarts!!!!!!

The main attraction is The Hall which was used as the Great Hall in all the Harry Potter films where the students eat and are 'sorted' into their houses (I'm a Ravenclaw with an Otter Patronus since you ask). 

Another feature of the hall that I was eager to see was the Alice In Wonderland Window. Lewis Carrol (aka The Rev Charles Dodgson) lived at Christ Church and it was here that he made up the original stories for the real life Alice Liddell. 

The window

At the bottom of the window you can see The Queen Of Hearts, The Duchess, The White Rabbit & The Mad Hatter

The Mad March Hare & The Mock Turtle

Both Alices'

'Lewis Carroll'

Across the road from the college is Alice's Shop a tiny former sweet shop where the 'real life' Alice would buy sweets.

It's always time for tea!

The Alice theme continued as we walked through the Covered Market

It was impossible to avoid pretty buildings 

My favourite building in Oxford was the Radcliffe Camera which is even more beautiful and impressive in real life. 

This Magnolia tree was stunning

I love the 'little details' on the buildings

We came across the Bridge Of Sighs purely by accident.

Mum's jacket matched the sky!

I'm such a tourist

One of the highlights of the day was Blackwell's Book Shop. From the outside it looks like a tiny shop but my lord once you get inside it's bookworm heaven! This video is just of the basement .....

They had a really good 'witchy' book section and I was able to find a couple of books I've been wanting to read. 

I absolutely loved Oxford and want to go back again as soon as possible as there is so much else I want to do and see such as the Bodleian Library, Botanic Gardens and some of the smaller museums. 

I'll sign off with a quote from the author of the His Dark Materials another of my favourite book series (also set around Oxford, I did enjoy imagining myself as Lyra exploring the back streets around the colleges).

I couldn't have put it better myself. 

Love Jen

XxxX

A Day In The Life - Blog 1

I'm taking part in the A Day In The Life blog project that aims to capture what it's like to live with a mental health condition by asking writers to blog about what they have been doing on specified days throughout the year. There's a 700 word limit on each post so I couldn't ramble as much as I do on here (Hurrah I hear you all cry!). But this was my post -

"At the moment none of my days are 'typical' days. The reason for this is that I am on sick leave from work due to my mental health condition. The truth is that I was getting along pretty well after a life changing change of medication until it was decided that actually I was rubbish at my job and needed to be put onto performance management. This culminated in a competition between colleagues and managers to dig for every little mishap or misfile I have ever made in the three years I have been with the team, I mean I know I wear a lot of black and aren't particularly attractive but is a modern day witch hunt really necessary? 

The culmination is that my poor brain pretty much melted down and one morning after a few weeks of being "on and off" of work I found that I couldn't physically leave my room to walk the short distance to work. So here's where I am. I don't technically have a 'proper' diagnosis of a mental health condition, for years it was just assumed by Drs and GPs that I was depressed and the best option was to fill me up with anti-depressants and hope for the best. I could play bingo with the amount of different meds I've been on - Citalopram, Fluoxetine, Duloxetine, Sertraline to name a few. What I didn't think to mention to anyone until I saw a psychologist last year was the crazy mood swings I've always had since I was a kid, sky high can shoot to rock bottom in under a minute, these go hand in hand with crippling anxiety and the huge amount of anger I carry around inside of me that I have to keep a tight lid on to stop it exploding out.

Back to today, I'm in what I like to call one of my 'crazy sad' states at the moment, I have been for the last few days. I have the energy and creative ideas of being on one of my 'highs' (sadly without the elated mood I often get) and the inability to sleep for more than an hour at a time without waking up thinking I can hear people talking (I checked to make sure my TV was unplugged 3 times last night, not amusing when it's a freezing November night and prior to going to sleep I was struggling to get warm). This is coupled with  what I call my 'low' characteristics which are feeling depressed or numb, paranoid, and suicidal. My first few minutes of being properly awake were spent inspecting the cuts on my arm from last night's self-harming session. I think only I could start an evening off cutting my arm to distract myself from the voice in my head telling me to take all my tablets and be done with everything to an hour later bubbling with creativity drawing Moomins and Rockabilly tattoos on a pair of boots. 

The first person I speak to every morning is my best friend in the world Helen (thank god for WhatsApp), messages from her throughout the day keep me going, I love her so much but I worry a lot that I'm an anchor round her neck preventing her from moving along with her life or meeting someone (who wants to date someone with a dependent, crazy best friend?). The next interactions I had this morning were of the furrier variety in the shape of my two gorgeous lop eared rabbits Estelle and Esme, they are nearly six and are the centre of my world, they are well aware of this and treat me with the necessary amount of disdain required to keep me on my toes. 

The rest of the day has been spent doing odd tasks, a trip to Tesco with Dad and a look at the waves breaking on the beach, walking a friend's dog and tonight a trip to the pub with Helen, I feel a nice G&T coming on!"

I'm hoping the project will help teach others what living with a mental illness involves but also help people realise that these are real people living their lives despite the struggles they face.

What I also didn't have room to mention is that the blog was written whilst I watch a super-epic lightening storm out of my bedroom window!

Love Jen

XxxxX

We Wrote A Book!

I'm incredibly excited to announce that I am officially a published author! I still can't get used to saying that, and keep muttering it to myself in a slightly insane manner as I feel it rolls off the tongue rather well!

Myself and a number of other Blurt Foundation Bloggers and Writers have all contributed to 'Blurt It Out' a E-Book with our stories of living with depression. 

You can pre-order the book on a "Pay what you want" basis until it's official launch on 15th September (after this it'll cost £3.49) at this address ‎http://blurtitout.org/the-book/ . I'm really hoping that it will be popular enough to justify print copies too, I can't imagine how excited I'd be to hold a book in my hand that includes my work! 

On a serious note all the writers have worked so so hard on their stories, often sharing some very personal and heart-rending stuff so please if you can spare a few pennies to download the book then please visit the address above and nag your friends and family to do the same. It would mean the world to all of us who've contributed and help The Blurt Foundation carry on the brilliant work it does. 

Love Jen (aka published author squeeeee)

XxxX

"What's Normal Anyway?" Inspiration from a book

I've just finished reading a really good book called "What's normal anyway?" by Anna Gekoski & Steve Broome. In it they interview 10 celebrities (or public figures as I prefer to call them, celebrity seems to be an increasingly dirty word nowadays) from Politicians to glamour models to footballers to actresses (guaranteed you will have heard of somebody in the book whatever your interests are) who all have one thing in common, struggle with mental illness. The stories are harrowing and in some cases very near the knuckle (particularly Trisha Goddard's description of her suicide attempt) but I must point out that the book does come with a trigger warning in the introduction. Although each of the subjects is very different and their conditions vary from OCD, Bipolar, Depression to Body Dysmorphia etc all of their stories show the sheer devastation that mental illness wrecks on a person, their friends and family. But each of the stories also carries a sense of hope, that not total, but part recovery is possible and that you can get a large part of your life back. The book is available on Amazon (of course) and is well worth a read.

People are often critical of people in the public eye sharing their stories about their own, or loved ones' experiences of mental illness and I'm really not sure where this criticism comes from. Take for example Catherine Zeta-Jones going public about her Bipolar disorder, the general consensus from the tabloid media was to sneer at her being 'soft' during what was a pretty horrendous time in her life - husband with a life-threatening illness, seperation from said husband, raising kids and mental illness - how is the woman still standing??? Contrast this with the outpouring of love from the same titles when Angelina Jolie disclosed her double mastectomy that she underwent last year. Now please don't get me wrong, I ADORE Angelina she is possibly one of the most beautiful creatures ever to walk the earth and I have a massive crush on her. But I have to ask why is it ok to sneer at one woman's illness and not anothers'? 

With the storytelling theme in mind I want to share with you all something I've been working on for the last week. About a month ago The Blurt Foundation http://blurtitout.org/ approached a number of people who have blogged for them over the last year (you can read my posts here, here, here and er here - hey they're super-lovely and publish my work!) and have asked us to be part of Project X. The plan is to publish various accounts of depression and mental illness in an e-book to raise money for the foundation. So far I've written about a 1000 words but weirdly am kind of struggling, it's easy to fire off a blog post here and there but to write an entire story and still keep it snappy and interesting is a far bigger ask. Even though I'm writing the story that I know best, mine, it's still hard to think of what to write or how to explain things that I still don't fully understand myself. Finishing the book has helped though, I figure if public figures with everything to lose have the guts to tell their story then so should I.

Love Jen

XxxX  

 

This Is Not A Self-Help Book!

I have today decided that I'm going to write book. It's been nagging at the corners of my mind for a while now, oddly since I was about 11 people have been telling me that they thought I'd end up writing a book but until now I've laughed it off. I don't know if anything I write would be good enough to get published, but then again if crap like the snippet I heard from of one of the autobiographies from one of the Only Way Is Essex cast can be published then I'm on my way to the Booker Prize just with this blog! Seriously how can "OMFG" be allowed to be published in an actual printed book? Are you having a laugh? I know my grammer and phrases aren't exactly the queen's English but my god ....

Now there is a slight flaw to my genius plan in that I don't actually know what I want to write about. Which may be a small hindrance since one needs to actually be inspired in order to put pen to paper (or in my case fingers to keyboard). I've had a couple of ideas and I think the most (potentially) promising one thus far is a kind of support book for kids being bullied. I don't want to call it a self-help book as I find self-help books largely unhelpful but I want to write something that will tell someone that's being bullied that they're not alone and that someone else has been in a similar situation and survived to tell the tale. Whether there's enough material there to fill a short book I'm not sure but I guess it would be a mix of my personal stories and experiences and general advice and "you are not alone" type support. Maybe it's working title could be "This Is Not A Self-Help Book!".

As always I'd love to hear your feedback and suggestions!

Have a good weekend.

Love Jen
XxxxX

Ps on the subject of book writing, if you have 5 minutes, please check out my lovely friend Gemma Humphrey's Wattpad entries. She's a great writer and I think her books are going to be really popular. If you are a publisher who has somehow stumbled upon this blog whilst wandering the interwebs then sign her dammit! http://www.wattpad.com/story/9434582-revelation-trinity-book-1

Just Keep Swimming

Big Brother Voice* "Week 3 on the Lamotrigine"

Well aside from the black mood that washed in halfway through Friday and is only fading away today, I'm pretty happy with the Lamotrigine. Last night I upped the dose to 3 tablets to try and break my mood and anxiety which hopefully will work. I've definitely been feeling a lot calmer and happier as today has gone on. I'm really, really hoping that it has an effect soon, especially as I only have 4 more sessions with the Psychologist through the Occupational Health service.

I have a new Psychologist as my previous one was only temporary. She seems really nice but it's hard re-going over what I've already discussed. I've indicated to her that I want to tackle my anxiety problems in the remaining sessions, I have a sneaking suspicion that it was anxiety hangover from going out twice (Shocker) last week that pushed my mood down. My problem is that when I'm asked "what are you feeling?" or "Why do you feel this way?" my mind goes blank, which I imagine is some kind of defence mechanism that my brain puts in. I really need to learn to open up quick as with only 4 sessions left it's kinda time-critical. I really hope I get something out of it as, melodramatic as it sounds, I really cannot cope with the idea that this is it for the rest of my life. The thought of constant low mood and terror at the idea of going out and seeing people for the next 50 years really doesn't appeal.

In more positive news I contacted the Blurt Foundation (http://blurtitout.org/) a support and awareness network for those suffering Depression & Anxiety (you can also follow them on Twitter@BlurtAlerts) and they are interested in publishing some of my blogs! I also have Mind putting up one of my blogs on Monday (link to follow as soon as I have it). It's pretty exciting, perhaps this is me finding my voice and using it to help people.

Here's hoping!

Love Jen

XxxxX

Very Excited Blog

I'm incredibly excited to report that Rethink Mental Health have chosen to publish one of my blogs on their Your Voice Extra Tumblr site. Your Voice is Rethink's members magazine and Your Voice Extra is it's digital version.

Here I am!

To say I'm excited would be an understatement, it's an amazing feeling knowing that someone has judged the random words that I type have some merit and more importantly may make a difference to someone else in the same position. You can find the post in all it's glory at http://yourvoiceextra.tumblr.com/post/60755605350/to-cbt-or-not-cbt

I'm done with whining and crying about being stuck with depression & anxiety, it's a fact of my life that my brain has this chemical imbalance. The important thing is for me to try and live my life, do the things I enjoy and look after my family and friends. 

Lately though I have also been thinking that I would like to help other people who may not be as lucky as I am and have friends and family I can turn to. I want them to know that they aren't alone and that there is a slow path out of the dark. So I have joined Rethink and will be applying to be part of their fundraising team, I've also signed up with Time To Change and hopefully they'll find a use for me too! 

Love Jen

XxxX

Ps a few links you may find useful -

Rethink's Website http://www.rethink.org/

Time To Change Website http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/

"You're A Writer"

Those 3 words that my counselor said yesterday have kickstarted a multitude of ideas and thoughts.

To backtrack a little I showed her my entry for the Elle writing competition (See the post here) about rebelling against my depression & anxiety in order to try and live a normal life. At the time I didn't think too much about the statement but now I'm really excited.

I want to write more and more, trouble is I just don't know what. I would love to write a book like my friend Gemma is in the process of doing (from what I've read so far it's awesome) but despite loving reading I really don't have any original ideas.

Ditto with this blog, I really love posting but sometimes I've just run out of things to say and I really don't want this blog to turn into a depressing "woe is me" series when I can't think of anything new. The whole idea of these pages is to demonstrate that you can live your life even if you have depression/anxiety or other conditions.

So if anyone does have any ideas or wants to challenge me to write on a subject then comment here or tweet me @JenRaeFrances.

XX Jen XX

In Which I Enter A Competition

I've taken the plunge and entered a writing competition!

Elle magazine is running a competition and has asked people to submit a 500 word piece entitled "My Rebellion".

I thought you guys might like a looksie .......

My Rebellion

By Jenni Richardson

Who doesn't secretly want to be a rebel? To shock, to appal and to live a life without rules?  This Autumn's catwalks are celebrating all things rebellious with Versace's 'Vunk' & YSL's tartan tribute giving a nod (Pogo?) to the punk movement and 90s Gen-X grunge.

When Elle asked readers to submit a piece entitled "My Rebellion" my mind began whirring as to all the possibilities of what I could write, too young to remember grunge and far too early to have partaken in punk I felt left out by my generation's comfort and lack of reasons to rebel. 

Then I realised, I am a rebel, I have rebelled every single day for the last six years. My rebellion is not in your face or shocking, most people would never even notice it. My rebellion is against my twin nemesis' depression & anxiety.

In Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland Alice's remembers her father's advice to "Think of as many as seven impossible things before breakfast", after a small calculation I've worked out that I commit 4 pretty major acts of rebellion before 9am each day.

Challenge #1 is to drag myself out of bed, depression exhausts me and tells me I need to sleep and cannot possibly cope with a full day at work. After crawling out of bed comes Challenge #2 making myself look presentable. A kind side effect of my anti-depressant medication is the huge increase in appetite and ability to put on weight by standing with in 10 foot of food. Thanks to this I have a little more of me to dress than style would dictate which makes sartorial decisions doubly difficult. This coupled with my depression chanting that I shouldn't bother dressing nicely as I'll look like a wilder beast is not the most helpful of combinations.

Challenge #3 is the big one, venturing "out there". Anxiety plays her hand here, Depression is sneaky and sly whereas Anxiety gets her point across loudly and by squeezing my insides and drumming on my brain. She wants me to stay inside and hide. Having hurdled #3 it's a short leap to Challenge #4 interacting with people in the office. On a day when I'm very down the thought of talking to people or answering the phone seems nigh on impossible but I grit my teeth and do it, ignoring depression trying to smother my thoughts and actions. Besides the daily challenges I occasionally really stretch myself, like marching myself alone to London to watch my favourite band play a flash-mob gig (Pretty rock n roll huh?).

So whilst I may not quite be your typical non-conformist I reckon I can rebel with the best of them. Now excuse me, I'm off to play my worn copy of Nevermind ……loudly!
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