Next steps in Autism

***Popping some trigger warnings for mental health and all it's associations in before anyone starts reading****

Last month I shared the news that (in the world's smallest surprise) I'd officially received a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) (you can read about it in more detail here). Since then I've been really struggling with my anxiety and mood, I would assume it's related to the diagnosis but who knows with my brain 🤦🏻‍♀️. 

One of the really big things I've noticed is just how angry I've become all the time. We used to joke that Esme was the world's grumpiest being but lately I've been putting her to shame. Every little minor inconvenience, being asked regular questions, adverts interrupting YouTube videos will have me swearing at the TV. I've always been an inwardly angry person as a result of my shitty life experiences but now it's surged to an impossible degree where I'm choosing to spend as much time alone as possible as I'm downright awful to be around, crazily snappy and worry I'm going to blow my lid and scream at some poor unsuspecting friend or family member for no reason. I get like this with PMT but this is like permanent PMT x 1000. 

I guess that some of the anger is tied to not being diagnosed until now and living almost 36 years struggling to understand what's wrong with me and why I feel so different. There's also the anger at professionals who could have picked up on the traits nearly a decade ago rather than just boxing me into diagnoses and sending me on my (not so) merry way. The so-called professionals who I've dealt with over the last few years have been worse than useless and sought to drop me at every possible opportunity despite knowing that I have ongoing mental health needs. 

The other big problem at the moment, one would assume being fed by my anger and frustration, is my dangerously low mood. At the moment I'm back in the head space I was in summer 2019 when I wanted to (to put it delicately) 'unalive' myself and ironically putting my autistic researching skills to good use working out what combinations of meds would send me off the most painlessly. 

The only thing that's stopping me is knowing how much pain it would cause those around me (especially with their own problems at the moment, upcoming surgeries and other health problems) and the thought of not seeing the world's dimmest Border Collie (™) again. So I'm back to my old coping mechanisms of 'hurting' and over eating to try and numb the brain pain.

I've spoken to my GP and been prescribed a new anti-depressant to try (along with my existing mood stabilisers, anti-psychotics and anxiety meds) which is called Mirtazapine. Which takes my grand total anti-depressants varieties I've tried to 6 (the others on the honour roll are Citalopram, Duloxetine, Fluoxetine, Sertraline and Venlafaxine). I'll start on it next week so hopefully it'll help improve things a little.

Love Jen

XxxX

Some fun times.

Hey guys long time no blog. Truth is I've been really struggling lately. The autism assessment hit hard and my anxiety has been out of control meaning I've been missing out on things I normally enjoy. But I wanted to share some of the things that have lifted me up the first few months of the year.

Eos is doing well at agility, she's running quite far ahead of me now which means less running for me - win!

Coming through the tunnel. 

I went to London in January (on one of the rare dry days that we had!) and met my friend Laur. We both love exhibitions so did a mini 'museum crawl' starting at Somerset House in the morning for The Horror Show .

Decor ideas for Halloween

We found my section!

I also managed to have a mini photo shoot on the north bank of The Thames.

Much needed!

The afternoon found us the the British Museum for their Hieroglyphs - Unlocking Ancient Egypt exhibition. It was really nice to see the Rosetta Stone up close for a change rather than having to stand on tip toe to look over the heads of 100s of tourists 😅

I loved this decoration

Isis statue

As the owner of a dog who is the spitting image of Anubis, this made me laugh so much

We've been blessed with some stunning sunsets over the last few weeks, as much as I dislike winter it does produce some lovely sunsets. We also have some starlings that do a daily murmuration over Eastbourne Pier every day and I was able to get some photos and video footage of them.

My friends and I met up and went to The Berwick Inn which is helpfully situated next to a train station - no driving required! Which was lucky really with the selection of beers and the 2 for 1 gin happy hour ....

Espresso Martini

Two of my (many) gins

Mum, Vana and I went over to Brighton during February half term (Vana is a teacher) and took Mum for her first ever Yo Sushi.

Train selfie!

Yum!

We went to the Artbox Cafe which Vana and I love, it's hard not to with all the Hello Kitty! Even my die-hard goth heart is melted by cute kawaii animals! Although the contrast between my outfits and the pink decor always reminds me of these videos.

Perfect excuse to use our instax cameras

Adorable and yummy

Posing is compulsory!

At the end of February I went up to London to see Yungblud at Wembley Arena. I first saw him last year at the Royal Albert Hall and had tickets to see him just before Halloween in Brighton but the show was re-scheduled to the beginning of April. I was really looking forward to a day mooching around London and the show in the evening. So with Corney for company I set off. 

Coffee (well hot chocolate) and a croissant

Since I was on my own I'd decided to take the opportunity to got to some of the 'alternative/pagan' shops in London. 

This is a cool tarot card wall in Mysteries

The Seven Dials

Naturally I went on a bookshop crawl and visited The Atlantis Book Shop and my favourite shop in London Treadwells. I got a couple of books including a more in-depth tarot book but am saving my pennies for a splurge in Glastonbury in May.

💕💕💕

Before I could spend too much money Corney and I hopped on the tube to head up to Wembley.

The stadium is very impressive, I've seen Muse, Metallica and Oasis here

He's such a poser

We stayed at the Wembley Stadium Premier Inn which was super posh! There was loads of room and the bed was so comfy!

This was my outfit for the show -

I do love my spikes (also a rare photo of myself I like)

Off you go, don't let me hold you up!

Wembley Arena was literally 5 minutes around the corner. I've seen quite a few of my favourite bands there - 30 Seconds To Mars being the most important of course, so it was nice to add my new favourite to the list!

In the merch queue

Ready for the show

Yungblud was fantastic as he was last time. He's so energetic and I love how mental health and LGBTQ+ positive he is. Here are a few photos and videos from the show.

Post show smiles

It was nice having a hotel that I had to walk less than a minute to after the show although London is pretty easy to navigate with the tube it was nice not to have to mess about on the tube. Plus with my mental health being as bad as it was that weekend I don't think I'dve coped. 

I'm glad that I have a couple of other shows of his coming up as although he was absolutely fantastic my anxiety was so so so bad it leaked into my enjoyment of the show and the weekend in general which really sucked as gigs are one of my go to 'happy places'. Hopefully things will have settled down a bit by the next time. 

Love Jen

XxxX