Spreading A Little Thanks

I’m a little late on the bandwagon this morning but in the spirit of Thanksgiving I wanted to spread some thanks of my own.

To my beautiful Esme thank you for making me laugh, occasionally licking me and keeping the hutch impeccably tidy. And to my Stelly at the Rainbow Bridge thank you for making me laugh with your crazy, clumsy antics.

To Helen what can I say? Thank you for always supporting me, insulting me constantly, making me laugh and putting up with my craziness.

To Mum & Dad thank you for your unconditional love and support, taking me to ‘plane camp’ and concerts, offering me satsumas when I want bacon (Mum!) and for letting me have a Halloween party!

To Monkey thank you for your IT support, reaching high things, getting up early to watch F1 races with me and all the little things you do to show you care.

To Vana thank you for all the fun – mocking Casualty with me, joint llama appreciation and for giving me the honour of being your Bridesmaid.

To my Family thank you for your love and support, from cheese on toast, going to Airbourne with me and the best family get-togethers!

To my ‘Shark Eater’ companions Rach & Amanda thank you for gig buddying with me, letting me playing with Gizmo and providing pizza!

To the Ginstitue Luke, Barry, Hilary, Lydia, Jamie & Tone thank you for letting me come round and drink your gin & play with your cats and dogs respectively, going to gigs with me and being dragged round Camden, appreciating the envelope song & the importance of dramatic dance moves and for joint eye-rolling with me when ‘Charlene’ invariably comes on.

To Gem thank you for chatting music with me (including a joint love of Westlife that we’re not ashamed of!), making me tea and pigging out on Chinese with me and most importantly providing me with kitties to play with.

To my work ladies Karen, Char Char, Lizzie, Hayley, Ashleigh, Carole & Clair thank you for all the fun and office banter and for greeting me with tea and hugs first thing in the morning, it makes all the difference.

To Kaylee & Seth thank you for letting me be part of your lives, taking cake as seriously as I do and referring to me as “Corney’s Mum” and comparing me to Hei Hei the boss-eyed chicken from Moana ….

To my ‘bunny mommas’ Tiffany, Patti, Crystal , Laur, Heather, Yvonne, Debbie& Maddie thanks so much for all your support when I lost Stelly, for the bunny advice and constant bunny pictures!

To Kay I know you’re not physically here anymore but I feel you around me all the time, thank you for leaving me white feathers everywhere and for that pat on the back the day I lost Stelly.

To all my favourite music artists thank you for providing inspiration to me, comfort in bad times and awesome shows!

To planes & airshows in general (apart from the Wingwalkers) thank you for instant anti-depressants.

And to anyone who reads my random ramblings thank you.

Love Jen

XxxX

A Guide To One Of Those Days

A simple guide to one of those days.

This day got itself in gear bright and early with a series of panic attacks from 4am, the early attack gets the worm don’t you know?

Who needs breakfast when you’re choking so hard on anxiety it’s hard to even get a cup of tea down.

What better way to spend mid-morning than hiding in a consultant’s office ‘to scan’ because the slightest word or look will send you into a meltdown of ugly crying.

Try not to wince every time sexual assault/abuse is mentioned on the radio (on the hour every hour!), triggers do feel free to play up with no consideration to how I’m feeling.

Always keep a tight bite on your tongue when you’re quizzed as to what you’re having for lunch as the thought of food turns your already plummeting stomach.

Grumble to yourself that for the last month the radio station has decided to play a Jennifer Lopez song at approximately 11am each day, ponder to yourself how she is still relevant.

Prepare to repeat the above until bedtime when you’ll struggle to get off to or stay asleep without the obligatory OCD, anxiety or remembering upsetting things.

And repeat.

You have a nice day now! 

Love Jen

XxxX

The Story Of #MeToo

Today I want to tell you a story, it’s about an 11 year old girl just started Secondary School and nervous and miserable as hell. “Why can’t I just get on and fit in like everyone else?” “Or get some attention from the (rapidly forming) in-crowd and make friends with them, surely there’s room for one more” our heroine asks herself. Well dear readers her wish was granted just not in the way she thought.

It was a normal kind of day for young Jen, she’d walked in the school entrance with dread and was dutifully waiting outside her tutor room trying to make herself as invisible as possible from her now-departed friends, for they had far better things to do and far cooler people to talk to, and the rest of the class. Whilst deliberately looking away from everyone so as not to make eye contact Jen noticed a boy coming over to her, he was one of the cool popular boys, “Does he want to talk to me?” wondered Jen in shock but sadly it was not to be. In front of all his friends he walked up to Jen and roughly grabbed her butt and had a good feel between her legs whilst he had the chance much to the sneers and laughter of his friends.

It’s a story that my brain had buried deep in its recesses, covering it with other memories of bullying and embarrassment. It literally popped out during a counselling session a month or so back and now I’m ready to tell you about it.

Looking back on it a lot changed that day that would affect me from then on. When I told my parents about it in a distressed manner later on that day they were furious and went to the school the next day to see my head of year. Nothing was done, the boy in question got a detention and I lived with the repercussions for 5 more years. After the detention had been served I was mocked for ‘telling’ on him and was made to think that I’d made a fuss out of nothing and caused trouble for him. From then on despite grabs of my boobs, being felt up in a stairwell and so on I stayed silent, I tried to think that in between being told I was ugly that I  surely can’t be that ugly if some of the guys wanted to cop a feel? Plus if your boobs are being grabbed in full view of a teacher at the front of a classroom it’s ok right?

It’s only now after speaking to my counsellor that I can admit to myself that yes I was sexually assaulted and no it wasn’t ok. Admitting is technically the wrong term, it implies that I’m in the wrong for what happened and I damn well wasn’t, I can see that now. I was publically shamed by his actions and further shamed by attempting to gain justice for what happened to me. I’m starting to take ownership of what happened, I can see that it now links to a lot of my other issues. My discomfort and freaking out if people are in my personal space (put it this way I’m stuck with Liam Gallagher-esque eyebrows because last time I had them done  having the woman stand over me to thread them gave me a panic attack). It explains why in a way I hide behind being fat and feel relief that no-one can find me attractive.

It caused my greatest shame and biggest hurt, the inability to have sex without excruciating pain. Despite being in a loving relationship with my fiancée in the nearly 7 years we were together there was never an occasion that I didn’t feel like a knife was being twisted between my legs. It makes sense now, my body’s defence mechanisms were coming up, I was physically remembering what had happened even though my brain was racking itself trying to work out why I was such a frigid freak. I put up with it as I didn't want my partner to 'miss out' on what he was 'entitled' to from our relationship. 

I get told off by my counsellor when I try to say that it could have been far worse, at least I wasn’t raped etc, I’ve learnt that sexual assault is sexual assault whatever degree it is. The incidents were non-consensual sexual contact and I suffered and continue to suffer for it. I was also stuck with my abuser and other boys who felt it was ok to grab my boob etc for 5 long years without seeing any justice and being pretty much hung out to dry by the school.   When I was added to a school reunion group the guy who did it was in there, his profile picture is him with two small boys who I assume are his kids. I wonder if he remembers now what he did, whether he’s gotten over the ‘injustice’ of his detention. Mostly I hope that he brings his kids up to have more respect for women’s and girl’s bodies than he did.

#MeToo

Love JenX

xxX