(Not So) Happy New Year

Ah New Years Eve that night every year where everyone is supposed to be *so happy* and *so positive* about the *amazing* year that's to come. Well I hate to burst anyone's bubble but it's bollocks. Your year will be just as crap as the previous one, and the one before that. Your resolutions won't be kept and you'll just make yourself miserable trying and then failing to keep them.

My new year has started off just splendidly with a letter from work confirming that from 7th Jan I go down to half pay whilst I'm off sick. Whilst I was expecting that it just rankles that I am suggesting ill-effects and a financial hit because they have been unreasonable and handled the situation so badly.

I will be going back, my Occupational Health appointment is 21st Jan so I assume I will be going back after that. I just hate that I'll be going back into a situation where as the psychiatrist said I'm being set up to fail.

So happy new year where I have no chance of the work situation getting any better or really of anything changing for me.

Seriously wondering what the point to anything is.

Love Jen
XxxX

Make That A OCD, Cyclothymia, Borderline Personality Disorder Cocktail Please!

Today I finally had my long awaited appointment with the Community Mental Health team and gained an insight into how the system should work. My previous experience with the team back in 2012 was a disaster as detailed here. What a world of difference today was. I immediately felt at ease with the Psychiatrist I saw. He listened to me, didn't interrupt and took his time gathering all the information I had to give. Mum and Helen came with me for support (thanks guys) and he included them in his questions and actively sought their input. He also had a very prettily patterned tea cup which always scores bonus points from me!

The upshot of the appointment is that I seem to cross into a few different diagnoses of different conditions, a mix and match if you will or a cocktail as I prefer to think of it (preferably with a large helping of gin or amaretto). So I've listed my 'conditions' below and highlighted the aspects I feel apply to me.

I've long-suspected (and it's been suggested to me on a number of occasions) that I have some form of OCD due to my weird anxieties.

It's symptoms are -

• obsession – where an unwanted, intrusive and often distressing thought, image or urge repeatedly enters your mind
• anxiety – the obsession provokes a feeling of intense anxiety or distress
• compulsion – repetitive behaviours or mental acts that you feel driven to perform as a result of the anxiety and distress caused by the obsession
• temporary relief – the compulsive behaviour brings temporary relief from anxiety, but the obsession and anxiety soon return, causing the cycle to begin again

Cyclothymia is a form of Bipolar but rather than more extended periods of 'highs' and 'lows' the cycles are much more rapid, from hour to hour even. It is also aggravated by stress (hi work) and can progress into more serious forms of Bipolar - such as proper mania which I have been lucky enough not to have experienced before. 

The final 'diagnosis' of Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (more commonly known as Borderline Personality Disorder) came as more of a surprise. I hadn't thought that my personality could be unstable rather than my brain chemicals. 

The symptom groups are - 

Emotional instability (a psychological term for this is affective dysregulation)

If you have BPD, you may experience a range of often intense negative emotions, such as:

• rage
• sorrow
• shame
• panic
• terror
• long-term feelings of emptiness and loneliness

Disturbed patterns of thinking or perception (psychological terms for these are cognitive or perceptual distortions)

• upsetting thoughts – such as thinking you are a terrible person or feeling you do not exist. You may not be sure of these thoughts and may seek reassurance that they are not true
• brief episodes of strange experiences – such as hearing voices outside your head for minutes at a time. These may often feel like instructions to harm yourself or others. You may or may not be certain whether these are real
• prolonged episodes of abnormal experiences – where you might experience both hallucinations (voices outside your head) or distressing beliefs that no one can talk you out of (such as believing your family are secretly trying to kill you). These types of beliefs may be psychotic (delusions), and a sign you are becoming more unwell; it is important to get help if you are struggling with delusions

Impulsive behaviour

• an impulse to self-harm – such as cutting your arms with razors or burning your skin with cigarettes; in severe cases, especially if you also feel intensely sad and depressed, this impulse can lead to feeling suicidal and you may attempt suicide
• a strong impulse to engage in reckless and irresponsible activities – such as binge drinking, drug abuse, going on a spending or gambling spree, or having unprotected sex with strangers; impulsive behaviours are especially dangerous when people are in brief psychotic states, because they may be more likely to act impulsively if their judgement is impaired.

Intense but unstable relationships with others

If you have BPD, you may feel that other people abandon you when you most need them or get too close and smother you.

When people fear abandonment, it can lead to feelings of intense anxiety and anger. They may make frantic efforts to prevent being left alone, such as:

• constantly texting or phoning a person
• suddenly calling that person in the middle of the night
• physically clinging on to that person and refusing to let go
• making threats to harm or kill themselves if that person ever leaves them

The only time I'd ever heard of BPD (as the cool kids call it) is in Susanna Kaysen's book Girl Interrupted and the film adapted from the book (one of my favorite films in fact). Starring Winona Ryder (apologies for an entirely superficial comment) and I love her cropped hair and striped top combination.

Angelina Jolie is amazing in it.

Admittedly if my condition ends up with me ccommitted like Susanna did I can think of worse people to be locked up with ...

And of course in the film Susanna's boyfriend who tries to break her out of the hospital is played by none other than Jared Leto ...

Being busted out of hospital by the lead singer of my favorite band is somewhat appealing and amusing I must admit. 

The film also has one of my favorite quotes -

The current treatment plan is for my Lamotringe to increase to 200mg over the next month which will hopefully pull my ups and downs back into check. I also explained my work issues to the Psych and in his own words he felt that I was being "set up to fail". So when he writes the report letter to myself and my GP he is going to add a paragraph about how negatively work is affecting my condition/s for me to wave at my next Occupational Health appointment and when I go back to the office. I will see him again in around a month for review. It feels really odd having a genuine and official treatment plan!

I'm really hoping that this will get me on the right track and also help with the work situation, they can't argue with a psychiatrist right?

Love Jen

XxxX 

RIP Leelah - Why I am so damn lucky to have my parents

Today I read the heartbreaking story of Leelah Alcorn the 17 year old girl who commited suicide yesterday because of her parents ignorance and bigotry in refusing to acknowledge her wish to live as the woman she was supposed to be. Leelah was born as Joshua Alcorn but identified as a woman. As you can read in the link above she was treated horrifically by her parents who refused to support her.

How anyone can treat their child with such narrow-minded prejudice sickens me. To make it worse her mother posted a tribute to Leelah on her Facebook page still referring to her as a "son" and completely neglecting to mention that Leelah's death was suicide due to her and her husband's attitude.

It bought home to be how damn lucky I am to have such fantastic parents who have supported me through all of my troubles with love, patience and understanding - even when I am being erratic and difficult. So I want to thank them over and over again for not being like Leelah's parents and effectively casting me out for being 'wrong' or broken.

If Leelah had parents a fraction as supportive as mine have been then she would still be alive today, hopefully taking steps towards the full transition she dreamed of. 

Whilst reading through the posts on my Tumblr I came across a story the polar opposite of Leelah's, it concerned a Reddit user HeMeYou who found out that his son had been googling "I'm gay what now?". The father wanted to make sure that his son felt supported and loved so reached out to the internet community for their advice on how best to handle the situation. To cut a long story short his son reached out to him and his father responded with the love and support he needed ( read the full story here). A beautiful story of how families should be, full of love and support and encouragement. 

So Mum and Dad thank you, thank you, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for everything you've done and continue to do for me.

Leelah I really hope that you can see that the world is offering you the love and support you so badly deserved. RIP beautiful girl. 

Love Jen

XxxX

Anatomy Of Madness

In my nearly 5 months away from work I have had moments when I've interrogated myself about whether I'm pulling a sickie and really need to be off. In these moments I feel fine, like I can go back and run the show, in fact that they should be lucky to have me. I like those times, when I feel all-powerful, witty, intelligent, blaming my medication for slowing down my brain when it has important work to do.

The thing is even when I'm not in one of these self-important moments and haven't taken my meds for a few days either through forgetting, running out or just generally not being bothered I actually feel brighter and less tired. When I first went on my meds they were the best thing for me, they started levelling me out and killed my anxiety stone dead. Whereas now they don't tackle my lows and highs at all. So really I have to wonder what the point in taking them is.

I'm considering all this ahead of my Community Mental Health Team appointment on Tuesday. I'm ready to take on the appointment like a battle actually, after the last time when I was dismissed by a twat of a psychiatrist and told there was nothing wrong with me.

Although I rant and rave on here and to friends and family quite happily I'm actually super crap at confrontation (school knocked that out of me, cheers fuckers) so just sit back and listen to what I'm being told even when I know I've not been listened to and what i'm being told is completely wrong.

I guess in a way I'm almost scared of being told that there is nothing wrong and that I'm making a fuss over nothing. In a weird way I take comfort in my Bipolar-kind-of-diagnosis, it explains a lot and can get blamed for all manner of sins. I need to make sure I get across the sheer black and white differences of my moods and thoughts. The fact that I feel far 'crazier' than I used to.

Before the last few months the only real time I'd felt 'mental' was for a couple of weeks in early 2012 when I had a short-lived course of Prozac that sent me haywire, I was literally bouncing off walls and debating how good the rush would be if I threw myself down the concrete stairwell at work (ironically I have my appointment on Tuesday in the building where I worked until earlier this year when our team moved building so if it all goes wrong I still have the staircase option!).

Nowadays my 'crazy' is going from being furious at the Internet for not telling me how much Lamotringe it will take for me to overdose on and then 5 mins later splurging on make-up, using my blood from when I've been cutting myself to paint a sugar skull (looks damn good though if I say so myself) among other things. I keep a cute empty Disarrono minature bottle to fill with pills should I feel the need to swallow them all, I feel going out in style is a good option plus I'll get green points for recycling the bottle!

I need to get all this across on Tuesday, that this appointment is pretty much my last hope 'cos if they can't do anything I'm fucked. I can't go back to work and cope with their bull whilst I'm this unstable, I'd give it 3 days at the most before I flip and throttle someone, get myself sacked (if the throttling doesn't do it obvs - Good to have a back up plan) or throw myself off the nearest high object (Asda I guess, which would be a weird irony that I use the place when I had my first job to escape from my current job).

Reading back through this certainly doesn't reflect the musings of a sane person, the irony is that I'm typing this in an ok mood. I had a real depressive low that started about 6 o'clock on Christmas Day (I ended up tearing down the tree in my room by 7pm, it was that or have a good old carve up and even I refuse to take a razor to my arms on Christmas day) and carried on t'ill this morning. I was miserable and really, really fuzzy headed, I can hardly remember anything from Christmas Day pre-tree rage. Today I just feel Numb and calm which makes it odder that I'm researching how to OD now, the logical part of my brain figures that it's always good to learn something new, to have a 'break in case of emergency option'.

In the meantime I await my lipstick delivery!!!

Love Jen
XxxxX

The Tail Of Two Norty Bunnies

T'was the third night before Christmas and all through the hutch, not a creature was stirring ... apart from a grey bunny intent on re-enacting the Christmas TV Schedule staple The Great Escape.

What shock and suprise awaited her mother who was greeted by the sight of a huge hole in their run with a grey bottom poking out!

The damage

I can't believe that since I went to say goodnight to them about midnight they've managed to re-enact the Great Escape so spectacularly! After my initial freak out and calling for Dad (who found the whole situation hilarious) I had to chuckle and admire Esme's diligence in her task (and naturally the neat piling of the dirt from the most OCD of bunnies).

Me and Dad have covered the run with boards and bricks so that they can still go out, this naturally caused great excitement as the run had been completely re-arranged as some kind of building site themed adventure playground!

Estelle

Esme

The culprit trying to look innocent

I'm thinking there may be a living to be made in hiring them out as landscape gardners/treasure hunters .....

Love Jen

XxxX

Gentlemen you can't fight in here, this is the war room!

In the nearly 2 years I've been writing this blog (really must arrange some kind of birthday party for it!) I've (hopefully) articulated on many of the weird and wonderful ways in which my mind works (or doesn't depending on your argument) and the thing I find hardest to get across is why my 'highs' aren't necessarily a good thing.

When í'm on a elevated mood that's obviously a very good thing, I'm happy, positive, creative and fun. This is the best time to approach me with ideas and plans or for me to begin new projects because the surge of positive energy that I suddenly posess can be well-utilised.

The flip side of 'highs' are when í'm in the state that I'm in now. This will be the second night that I've been wide awake all night, last night I managed to read an entire book by 4.30am. I can't even manage to catch up on sleep during the day by napping (anyone who knows me knows how much i love a good nap) or going back to bed post-bunny feeding of a morning. I simply cannot stay asleep. The lack of sleep leaves me fuzzy-headed and sicky during the day and even though at this moment I am exhausted and my eyes feel like lead, I simply cannot drift off.

My brain is agitated, it's like a hyperactive toddler who won't sit still or stop babbling nonsense. It's travelling at 300 miles an hour but it's not a fun ride. It's gone beyond energy that I can harness creatively or tonight even focus on a book, it's like static electricity snapping and popping around my head trying and failing to connect to something useful.

Luckily unlike static electricity it hasn't given me an afro as the "hello it's 2.34am" photo at the top will confirm. Admittedly it seems like an odd moment to take a selfie that I shall in a moment be posting on Instagram. I don't know if this is some mad act of vanity #i'mstillawakelikethis perhaps, or my attempt to articulate my desperation to nod off visually through a decidedly un-glamourous, make-up free, bed-headed, wide-eyed shot. Or maybe I'm making some kind of anti-aspirational "look at my amazing life" post-modern point. And unlike many of my Instagram posts there's no cakes or sewing needles in sight!

I will shortly take a wander downstairs to see what delights Sky can offer me at this un-godly hour. Staring at the ceiling is a pointless exercise when my brain is doing this as one of the few connections that my agitation manages to make is to my anxiety-o-meter. I'm a fairly anxious person on a normal day as you all know but when I get agitated it can become un-managable. Case in point was yesterday when me, Chris & Vana were on our way out i noticed that Estelle was laying in the run (to my mind) looking unwell. I insisted on delaying our departure in order to do the 'treat test' (basically waving a treat to see if she'll eat it) let's just say she moved at lightening speed along with Esme and proved my fears unfounded. But the point is that if I hadn't checked I would have been freaking out the entire time we were out.

It's kinda scary to have one's mind so out of control at times, I worry that there's a chance that I won't be able to reign it in and it'll take me with it. I have an image of me riding it much like the pilot on the nuke in Dr Strangelove "ye ha-ing" my way to mental apocalypse.

Coincidentally Dr Strangelove has the funniest movie line ever "Gentlemen you can't fight in here this is the war room". Which in a way perfectly describes my head as a whole, my ups and downs tussling in front of the control panel that's desperately trying to keep me functioning.

Right there must be some trashy tv on....

Love Jen
XxxX 

The Grinch That Stole Christmas

If I ever meet Pharrell Williams I may just slap him, nothing against him as a person but this summer he unleashed that bloody 'Happy' song on the world. The problem lies with it's title and subject matter "woo hoo I'm happy everyone join in and be happy too" not my favorite thing to hear when I can barely function because I'm so low.

The same applies to the general festive period, songs enthusing the joy of Christmas, movies lecturing upon the magic at this time of year - whatever has gone badly will be fixed because its Christmas. People wandering around hyper on festive cheer. Now I certainly don't begrudge anyone being happy and enjoying the holidays. I just find it exhausting and misery-making trying to keep up the happy mask.

I had been doing really well until the last couple of days, me and Dad had made a pact to be cheerful over Christmas. In fact most of this week I had been on a real high, very bouncy and excited and making loads of Christmas decorations and bits.

But yesterday morning I woke up with the beginnings of a low that I tried to brush off and ignore, but today it's here with a vengeance. It's like the Grinch has popped up in my head and declared that no way am I having a merry Christmas and don't even think about a happy new year.

If Christmas magic was real it would cure my unpredictable and controlling moods and anxiety and un-fry my brain so that I can go back to work and function like a normal human being.

But I won't hold my breath.

Love Jen
XxxX

2014 An Illustrated Guide

So as is tradition at this time of year I'm taking a look back at the year that was 2014. Obviously I better get the elephant in the room out of the way first which is spending the last few months off of work after pretty much having a nervous breakdown with my mood balance completely exploding (cheers work).

However I intend to remember 2014 as a good year nevertheless and, in no particular order, here's why -

Firstly was my new years' resolution to get back in contact with my school friends after I'd cut myself off from them due to my mental illness. It's been brilliant, just like old times and I have a brilliant new friend too in Barry, Luke's fiance. So thank you so much Luke, Lydia, Hilary, James and Alli for forgiving me and letting me back into your lives. We've had some awesome parties and evenings this year, here are a few highlights -

First BBQ of the year! It was a warm(ish) evening in March so BBQ we did.

Luke & Lydia

Barry

Me & Hilary

Mexican party - eh amigos!

Luke's masquerade themed birthday party

When I started this blog my mission was to prove that you can still have a life with mental illness but also to try and give an insight into what living with a mental illness is like on a day to day basis, in my case the highs and lows of Bipolar Disorder, I also wanted to try and help other people who, unlike me, have no friends or family they feel they can turn to for help when they need it. So in May I held a fundraising party for the mental health charity Rethink (see my blog post A Big Thank You ) and with the help of my fantastic family and friend raised nearly £200 - not bad for cake and a quiz!

Lin, Gill, Lupita & Helen 

Barry, Lydia & Hilary

Alli & Lydia

James & Luke

Helen & Me

I was also honored to be asked to take part in The Blurt Foundation's E-book project where a group of bloggers wrote short pieces about our experiences of dealing with mental illness for an e-book (We Wrote A Book). It's still available here with all the proceeds going to help Blurt continue their fantastic work.

Any regular reader of my blog or follower of mine on Twitter/Instagram will know how much I love photography and this year my obsession has grown even further. I bought a digital SLR camera at the end of last year and with it I've been able to take my photos to the next level, quite frankly it was the best £260 I've ever spent! Here are some of my favourite photos I've taken this year - 

 

My friend Gemma has moved to a gorgeous converted barn in Wilmington with her boyfriend Andy and Ellie the kitty princess. Me and Helen have been out to visit a couple of times and it's just perfect, surrounded by Sussex countryside with amazing sunsets. 

How lovely?

See what I mean about the view?

I felt the world's biggest bow was appropriate that day

Helen meets Ellie

Gemma and Andy have also adopted a flock of chickens who are adorable and hilarious!

This year I've been really lucky to get away to London quite a few times and have some fantastic days out. The first was an exceptionally hot March Saturday when me and Helen spent the day walking around the parks and visiting the National Gallery, it was also the first time I'd taken 'the posh camera' to London and I got some lovely shots -

Daffodil in Green Park

Blossom

I love this photo of Helen under the tree, she looks so rock n roll (in MY sunglasses I might add)

A trip to London isn't complete without a cheeky squirrel

The view from the National Gallery 

Outside the gates at Buckingham Palace

In St James' Park

In January we had a trip to The Barbican to see Richard II starring David Tennant, most importantly me, Helen & Rach managed to take our traditional ' London Transport' photo!

In May it was the annual Bunference where all the bunny mum's, aunties and slaves from Twitter and Facebook meet
up at the London Pet Show. Here's me and Kay in Byron having some well-earned dinner!

On a trip to London for my birthday we visited Kensington Creperie, possibly one of the yummiest experiences of my life!

Helen outside the V&A, she took me to see 'The Glamour Of Italian Fashion' for my birthday - she knows me too well!

We like being encouraged to fondle exhibits!

We were back up in London the week after my birthday for a trip to the zoo (Helen's ears are still recovering from my, er, appreciation of some of the cuter animals. Conveniently the next day was the Trooping Of The Colour with the traditional RAF flypast, queue more squeals of excitement from me!

Waiting to get into London Zoo

Helen with the Penguins

How beautiful is this butterfly?

Helen making a new friend (apparently it was quieter than me!)

The RAF Battle Of Britain Memorial Flight - 2 x Spitfires & the Lancaster

3 Tornados!!!!!!!!!!!

The Mighty Reds

We had a trip to Covent Garden for Helen's birthday, here she is outside the Moomin Shop with her alter-ego Little My

And here I am with my alter-ego Sniff

Well it's almost a birthday crown!

Me and Mum had a brilliant evening back in August when we went to see Eddie Izzard at the De La Warr Pavillion in Bexhill. It started hilariously when the Italian restaurant we went into prior to the show had Penne Ala Arribiata on the menu ( this is why it's hilarious). It was an open air show and we were really blessed with the weather, it was a beautiful, warm, sunny evening and so much fun. 

Pre-show enjoying the sunshine

Being a summer girl I adored the long, hot spell that we had. I took the opportunity to soak up as much vitamin D as possible! It meant that I could go out with the camera for a couple of hours after work in the evenings (which was a lifesaver when things got really stressful) and also meant the girls got lots of 'grass time'!

The best way to spend a boiling July lunchtime is at a country pub, right Mum & Helen?

Back in March me, Helen & Sophie went to a quiz evening and despite being the smallest team came joint 2nd! I put this down to my excellent knowledge of fast-food signs in the general knowledge round ........

In July I spent the day with Kay and she suprised me with a trip to the Solent Spitfire Museum in Southampton, it was such a good day and I fell I am one step closer to converting Kay to becoming a plane geek!

Me in 'not being seasick on a boat' shocker!

About to board a Sunderland flying boat

With a Spitfire!

Kay & Corney make a new friend

Tally Ho!

It was a really great year for airshows, I was lucky enough to go to 3 - Farnborough, Airbourne & Shoreham. Farnborough takes the award for being the hottest airshow I've ever been to, topping 30c. It was also the first time I'd taken my SLR with the zoom lense I'd purchased especially to an airshow, and dear god I wasn't disappointed, I took my best ever airshow photos this summer with that lense!

A selfie under the A380

Mum sunbathing pre-flying

I finally got a decent photo of a Eurofighter Typhoon

The Vulcan landed right in front of us

Alas Airbourne wasn't blessed with Farnborough's good weather as you can see from my rain poncho!

However what it lacked in sunshine it made up for with having the last two flying Lancaster bombers in the world gracing the skies over Eastbourne 3/4 days. I'm not ashamed to say I watched them with a lump the size of a rock in my throat every time. Simply stunning,

 

I also managed to get the shot of the Red Arrows I'd been trying to get for years - it's crazy how close they get!

We also had a visit from this Canberra on the final day of the show, I'd forgotten how lovely they sound.

At Shoreham this year I finally carried out my threat to dress vintage style and donned my 1940s tea dress and red lippe!

Me & Helen at Shoreham

Blending in well with this Spitfire don't you think?

I think my absolute aviation highlight of the year was the long-awaited flypast of Vulcan XH558 at Beachy Head. The organizers of Airbourne had been too tight to book her but an incredibly generous Eastbourne resident paid for her to come and do a flypast one Saturday afternoon in late August. The dog-walkers on the downs must have wondered what the hell was going on when they were suddenly besieged by camera-wielding geeks! She flew right along level with the top of the cliff and it was the closest I've ever been to her when she's been in flight, you can see how close she came in here and here .

Just wow!!!!!!

In September I got to combine my love of motor racing and aviation on a visit to Brooklands Museum with Mum and Dad ( Read about it in more detail here) and achieved a lifetime 'bucket list' ambition to go on Concorde!

I'm on Concorde!!!

Mum and Dad under Concorde (who knew it would make such a good shelter from the elements?)

Dad on the Brooklands race track

Lewis Hamilton's 2008 F1 world champion car

Last month I finally got to see a band I've been a fan of for quite some time at Brixton Academy. The band in question is The Pretty Reckless, I've liked them since their debut album in 2010 but never had the opportunity to catch them live so when I found out they were playing I booked myself a ticket. It was the first 'proper' gig I've been to on my own (watching 30 Seconds To Mars from a park bench probably doesn't count) and miraculously my anxiety stayed away and I had a great day. I went to Camden and a museum before the show and then really enjoyed the gig. Here are a couple of photos of the gorgeous Taylor Momsen - 

I'm really pleased with this shot, and yes it's been my most-used phone background of the last month

This weekend just gone Helen and I took our annual trip to inspect London's Christmas lights and shop windows. We voted Fortnum & Mason as the best shop window with Stella McCartney running a close second and Old Bond Street as having the best lights -

I think we deserve shares in the beret industry

Covent Garden's reindeer

Helen in Covent Garden

The Coloseum catching the sunset

Oxford Street

Helen making a new friend

Bond Steet's amazing lights

Of course no photographic review of the year would be complete without my girls. I've chosen these photos of them in their tiaras behaving like the princesses they are -

And now for my brief cultural review of the year in my attempt to be highbrow as a (kind of) writer. Here are my arts highlights of the year. 

Favourite Exhibition -  Whilst I loved the Glamour Of Italian Fashion at the V&A it's been just pipped to the post by The National Gallery's Veronese exhibition. And yes this is mostly due to the psychotic looking goat painting that it featured.

Favourite Films -  There's been a few corkers this year ..

1. The Book Of Life - It tells the story of the Mexican Day Of The Dead festival, it was super colourful, full of sugar skulls and had a cute pig, what more can you ask for from a film? 

2. Dallas Buyers Club - Totally deserved all the awards it and it's cast received. It made me laugh, it made me angry, it made me sad and it made me frustrated at the way people with Aids were treated in the 80s. It also reminded me that Jared Leto isn't just an awesome rockstar he's also a fantastic actor too. 

3. Guardians Of The Galaxy - I love the current crop of Marvel films we've had over the last couple of years, they're comic book films for people who don't do comic book films (e.g me). It was hilarious with a genius soundtrack. 

4. Captain America: The Winter Soldier - See above re comic book films

5. Grand Budapest Hotel - I couldn't believe there were so many Hollywood A-listers queuing up to be in this film, until I saw it and loved it's crazy off the wall humour. I've now watched other Wes Anderson films and am a fully fledged fan!

Favourite Books -   Some of these may not techinically been released this year but I count them as it was this year I discovered them. 

1. Not That Kind Of Girl - Lena Dunham  I worship at the alter of Lena and I read this book in two days flat. I loved it so much I wrote an entire blog about it - http://stitchesbeadsrocknroll.blogspot.co.uk/2014/10/the-book-of-revelation-or-why-lena.html

2. Erin Morgensten - The Night Circus Helen had been nagging me to try this for a couple of years and finally I got round to it. I loved it, the imagery is amazing and I wish that it was a real life circus so that I can visit the ice garden,

3. The Hunger Games Trilogy - I know I'm a few years late with this one but wow! I read these at the start of the year and have re-read them since. I'm officially hooked on the films too. 

And now for my most important countdown, the songs that have rocked my world this year. Again, they may not have been released this year but they were discovered this year- 

In no particular order -

1. House Of A Hill - The Pretty Reckless 

2. Little Monster - Royal Blood

3. Changing - Sigma ft Paloma Faith

4. End Of The World - Deap Valley

5. Rat Race - Brody Dalle

6. Heaven Knows - The Pretty Reckless

7. Come On Over - Royal Blood

8. Heartbeats - The Knife

9. Baba O'Riley  - The Who  (ok this one is technically a re-discovery but it's my list so there!)

10. Louder Than Words - Pink Floyd 

Love Jen

XxxX