Fighting invisible dragons

It's been 8 months since I first saw the psychiatrist when I was (if you'll forgive me for using a cliche) at my lowest ebb and he gave me the diagnosis of definate OCD and also a mixture of Cycolthymia (a fast moving but more mild version of Bipolar Disorder) and Borderline Personality Disorder (also known as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder). I tried to take a positive slant, naming it Jenrocksitus and dutifully taking my meds and trying to research the best ways to control my problems.

 

There is a multitude of information about OCD and the different types of Bipolar availible and there is a really good understanding and acceptance of these amongst the general public due to the work done by the Time To Change campaign. Whereas the Borderline Personality Disorder (BDP as I'm too lazy to keep writing it's full title - sadly my laziness is not something I can blame on my mental health - Damn!) is a whole different kettle of fish.

 

Firstly it's a horrible title for an illness - the phrases 'Emotionally unstable' and 'personality disorder' just sound terrible like you have some disgusting inherent fault. Your personality is the most important thing about you, what other people react to and interact with and giving it the terms 'unstable' and 'disorder' makes me feel like I'm deficent or underdeveloped in some way. Why can't they call it something like 'Changeable Mood Disorder' (I don't mind the term 'disorder' as that does perfectly describe someone's brain or body being out of order and causing them problems)? Telling someone "I have a personality disorder" is not going to be reassuring for them and gives the impression that you may impale them with a sharp object at a moment's notice.

 

Secondly the description of the symptoms of BDP are so vague, almost like they can't decide what is and what isn't a symptom. In the Borderline Personality Disorder For Dummies book (the 'For Dummies' books are brilliant for covering mental health topics by the way - the OCD & Bipolar ones really simplify everything without talking down to you) it gives different scenarios of people with BDP but none seem to apply to me. I don't go out being promiscuous (a physical impossibility for me for reasons I won't TMI you all with), I don't take health risks with drugs or alcohol, I don't attack people.

 

I can blame by Cyclothymia for my mood cycles - from being really happy and positive 2 weeks ago, looking foward to plans with my friends and upcoming events, to now where (if you hadn't already guessed) I'm feeling low and despondant, not wanting to go out and see people or looking foward to anything. I can blame my cyclothymia for my mood turning in a split second from happy to sad and the underlying anxiety that I carry with me even on a good and happy day.

 

OCD can be blamed for my sudden onsets of panic, my all consuming terrified thoughts. It triggers completely crazy thoughts and fears about activities or things I enjoy,  that I will deliberately hurt my bunnies or that my watching of Aircrash Investigation will be responsible for plane crashes at airshows I go to, it convinces me that favourite bands or artists are on the verge of splitting or retiring (don't worry Luke I'm sure GaGa will go on forever!) It tells me that if I sit in a particular spot in the garden or eat pasta bake that disaster is imminent to my family and friends. I can laugh these off and recognise them for the ridiculous fears that they are but in an OCD spiral they are real fears. The difference between these and 'normal' anxieties and panic attacks are that they can be tied to something specific, being jammed in a crowd, worries that I'll make mistakes at work etc. I can also 'check' on these types of fear - text or call friends or family to make sure they're ok, wander down the garden to prod the bunnies. Which I know is something I'm supposed to avoid doing as it justifies the fears but playing by the rules just doesn't achieve anything sometimes.  

 

The problem with the BPD is that there's not a huge amount I can attribute it to from the descriptions that I've found. I guess it could be behind me being quick to anger over unimportant things such as students squashing onto the bus or my phone running slow but it's internalised anger rather than the violent outbursts I'm supposed to have if it's BPD behaviour. My clingyness could apparently also be a symptom, worrying that people will leave me but then that's common in 'normal' people I would imagine?

 

Another issue with BPD is that it's a 60/40 split between mental health professionals as to whether the condition actually exists! In the same manner that a lot of people believe ADHD is a child who's just badly behaved, a lot of the consensus if that people with BPD are just nasty and to be avoided. There's even a support website on the internet for boyfriends who's ex-girlfriends had BPD but are in fact just 'psycho bitches' which I know is just a silly website for guys to vent on but it does make a valid point that a lot of people simply don't belive the condition exists. This begs the question when we know pretty certainly that I have OCD and Cyclothymia do I have BPD or just a really nasty side to my personality?

 

The argument that BPD should be bought into the public conciousness and have myths around it busted in the same way that Depression, Bipolar and OCD have, there's also brilliant work going on around Schizophrenia at the moment too. But how is it possible to present a disorder to the wider population that nearly half of the experts don't believe exists? To put a silly example on it, it would be like trying to warn people against an imminent alien invasion as we know it's about the same percentage of believers and non-believers (and yes I had to put my love of conspiracy theories in there, stop rolling your eyes!) or trying to flight off a dragon that was invisible to some and not to others or indeed a Hippogryph from Harry Potter who are only visible to some in the magic world (I'm not going into the ins and outs here - read the book or watch the film!). To people who can't see them you look pretty stupid waving a sword around or ducking behind a shield trying to avoid thin air! How can you fight something if you don't know it truely exists?

 

I don't mean for this to be a long 'woe is me' blog. As I've said before I feel far better than I did, I'm no longer suicidal, my mood 'swings' themselves are far more under control and I haven't self-harmed for 3 months now which doesn't sound much I know but it is a major step for me! I just wanted to express my frustration at not knowing whether this condition I supposedly have is real or not, kind of ironic when mental health treatment is all about showing a patient what is real and what isn't.

 

As I normally try to I want to end the blog on some positives. Obviously the major one is that my condition (s?) is/are nowhere near as bad as they were this time last year, in fact not in the same league! As I enjoy making lists I have indulged myself in presenting the others in this manner -

 

Aside from the weather for the last week, we appear to be actually having a summer! With sunshine and everything!

I'm already plotting Helen's Steampunk and The Night Circus themed birthday party (The Night Steampunk Circus???) with loads of crafts and drawings I can do for it.

Kay is coming down to worship the girls next week

I have lots of plans with the 'Ginstitue' (and you too Barry and James) - Airbourne fireworks woo hoo!

It's a matter of weeks 'till Airbourne and Shoreham Airshows when I get to practice my aviation photography and make many geeky videos

I've taken by best bee photos ever!

I work in an office where I can play Radio 2's 'Popmaster' every day and feel smug when I get a particularly high score - I average an 18 with my best score being 24 (for my overseas readers Popmaster is a music quiz and is well known for being super difficult hence my smugness)

I no longer feel trapped in a job

Loads of my favourite artists either have new albums out or are in the process of recording - thank you Muse, Mars, Greenday and GaGa.

I got to make a list!

Love Jen

XxxxX

 

Make That A OCD, Cyclothymia, Borderline Personality Disorder Cocktail Please!

Today I finally had my long awaited appointment with the Community Mental Health team and gained an insight into how the system should work. My previous experience with the team back in 2012 was a disaster as detailed here. What a world of difference today was. I immediately felt at ease with the Psychiatrist I saw. He listened to me, didn't interrupt and took his time gathering all the information I had to give. Mum and Helen came with me for support (thanks guys) and he included them in his questions and actively sought their input. He also had a very prettily patterned tea cup which always scores bonus points from me!

The upshot of the appointment is that I seem to cross into a few different diagnoses of different conditions, a mix and match if you will or a cocktail as I prefer to think of it (preferably with a large helping of gin or amaretto). So I've listed my 'conditions' below and highlighted the aspects I feel apply to me.

I've long-suspected (and it's been suggested to me on a number of occasions) that I have some form of OCD due to my weird anxieties.

It's symptoms are -

• obsession – where an unwanted, intrusive and often distressing thought, image or urge repeatedly enters your mind
• anxiety – the obsession provokes a feeling of intense anxiety or distress
• compulsion – repetitive behaviours or mental acts that you feel driven to perform as a result of the anxiety and distress caused by the obsession
• temporary relief – the compulsive behaviour brings temporary relief from anxiety, but the obsession and anxiety soon return, causing the cycle to begin again

Cyclothymia is a form of Bipolar but rather than more extended periods of 'highs' and 'lows' the cycles are much more rapid, from hour to hour even. It is also aggravated by stress (hi work) and can progress into more serious forms of Bipolar - such as proper mania which I have been lucky enough not to have experienced before. 

The final 'diagnosis' of Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (more commonly known as Borderline Personality Disorder) came as more of a surprise. I hadn't thought that my personality could be unstable rather than my brain chemicals. 

The symptom groups are - 

Emotional instability (a psychological term for this is affective dysregulation)

If you have BPD, you may experience a range of often intense negative emotions, such as:

• rage
• sorrow
• shame
• panic
• terror
• long-term feelings of emptiness and loneliness

Disturbed patterns of thinking or perception (psychological terms for these are cognitive or perceptual distortions)

• upsetting thoughts – such as thinking you are a terrible person or feeling you do not exist. You may not be sure of these thoughts and may seek reassurance that they are not true
• brief episodes of strange experiences – such as hearing voices outside your head for minutes at a time. These may often feel like instructions to harm yourself or others. You may or may not be certain whether these are real
• prolonged episodes of abnormal experiences – where you might experience both hallucinations (voices outside your head) or distressing beliefs that no one can talk you out of (such as believing your family are secretly trying to kill you). These types of beliefs may be psychotic (delusions), and a sign you are becoming more unwell; it is important to get help if you are struggling with delusions

Impulsive behaviour

• an impulse to self-harm – such as cutting your arms with razors or burning your skin with cigarettes; in severe cases, especially if you also feel intensely sad and depressed, this impulse can lead to feeling suicidal and you may attempt suicide
• a strong impulse to engage in reckless and irresponsible activities – such as binge drinking, drug abuse, going on a spending or gambling spree, or having unprotected sex with strangers; impulsive behaviours are especially dangerous when people are in brief psychotic states, because they may be more likely to act impulsively if their judgement is impaired.

Intense but unstable relationships with others

If you have BPD, you may feel that other people abandon you when you most need them or get too close and smother you.

When people fear abandonment, it can lead to feelings of intense anxiety and anger. They may make frantic efforts to prevent being left alone, such as:

• constantly texting or phoning a person
• suddenly calling that person in the middle of the night
• physically clinging on to that person and refusing to let go
• making threats to harm or kill themselves if that person ever leaves them

The only time I'd ever heard of BPD (as the cool kids call it) is in Susanna Kaysen's book Girl Interrupted and the film adapted from the book (one of my favorite films in fact). Starring Winona Ryder (apologies for an entirely superficial comment) and I love her cropped hair and striped top combination.

Angelina Jolie is amazing in it.

Admittedly if my condition ends up with me ccommitted like Susanna did I can think of worse people to be locked up with ...

And of course in the film Susanna's boyfriend who tries to break her out of the hospital is played by none other than Jared Leto ...

Being busted out of hospital by the lead singer of my favorite band is somewhat appealing and amusing I must admit. 

The film also has one of my favorite quotes -

The current treatment plan is for my Lamotringe to increase to 200mg over the next month which will hopefully pull my ups and downs back into check. I also explained my work issues to the Psych and in his own words he felt that I was being "set up to fail". So when he writes the report letter to myself and my GP he is going to add a paragraph about how negatively work is affecting my condition/s for me to wave at my next Occupational Health appointment and when I go back to the office. I will see him again in around a month for review. It feels really odd having a genuine and official treatment plan!

I'm really hoping that this will get me on the right track and also help with the work situation, they can't argue with a psychiatrist right?

Love Jen

XxxX