Look, I tried really damn hard to make it a positive new year.
I tried not drinking at all over the festive period to see if it lifted my mood at all (people keep telling me that alcohol is bad for my mood especially my favourite tipple Gin) but no effect whatsoever, of course the benefit to that is that I now know I can drink what I like and it won't make me feel any worse, bring on the gin (and also cocktails, I'd forgotten how much I like a cocktail until Sunday night in Wetherspoons) screw you January Dryathlon!
I tried thinking super positively about things that I can look foward to next year - airshows - hmmmm no Vulcan and no Shoreham, Photography - far too wet for anything worth photographing to emerge, crafting - nothing to really craft for, 100s of completed cross-stitches lying around are no use to man nor unicorn.
It's so hard to put oneself in any kind of positive thought bubble when my OCD/Anxiety/Depressive element has turned itself into a nice sharp needle ready for popping. And so bursts the good mood and postivity into teeny little splashes everywhere.
I would be here forever if I tried to list every single thing that crosses my mind to either panic me or affect my mood, or the actions that my OCD either wants me to take or won't let me do (it's rather pathetic having a really pretty Erte calendar, thanks Santa, or unicorn diary that you can't write anything on as your OCD tells you that if you record any plans then they won't happen or will go disastrously wrong - to be fair though this has been proved on multiple occasions).
At the moment I have so many thoughts and worries in my head that I want to cut it open and pull them all out, I have a great mental image of me pulling all the thoughts out and them making a satisfying splat as I throw them against the wall.
In the last month and a half I've had too many days off sick because I simply can't go to work because my head is too full to function. Which would be more bearable if it didn't cost me a day's pay. Usually the bad patches do start to lift but this one hasn't, it's smothering everything and casting a gloom over anything I try to do. Previously my good vs bad days were split about 60/40 which was pretty damn good but now they're 15/85 which is rubbish, for want of a better word. It's been nearly two months now since I had a 'good' or 'high' patch and this low shows no signs of lifting and my tether is rapidly reaching it's end.
My eczema that's spread itself across my face is getting worse, if often looks like I have measles or something! I've never been particularly vain or high maintenence but my god is it driving me mad, and that's before it decides to itch. My insides are still not right since I had the damn coil put in, aside from the fact that it has in fact made everything it was designed to stop 10 times worse and given me a whole host of new problems.
Let's just say rather than trying to ride this patch out, I feel more like I'm being dragged through the mud by my metaphorical horse!
Happy new year .....
Love Jen
XxxX
