Thank You

I rather like the idea of Thanksgiving, having an 'official' opportunity to pause and remember the good things in life that can sometimes get swept under the carpet of everyday life. So in the spirit of international holiday-stealing this is what I am thankful for.

1. Still being here - when I'm in my blackest moods the temptation to end it all is ever present, I'm thankful that I am still here,typing this blog.

2. My family - for always sticking by me no matter how difficult I can be to live with and for the unconditional love i've always been shown.

3. Helen - as I've said before she's more than my best friend, she's my sister. She's the person who can pull me out of my blackest moods (usually by insulting me), calm me down when I'm stressing. She's brilliant fun to be around and I love her to bits.

4. My beautiful Estelle & Esme, who knew bunnies had such personality and would completely steal my heart.

5. My friends who make me smile, especially Kay who is a brave and inspirational lady.

6. My Grandma getting the all-clear from cancer earlier this year. We're keeping up our tradition of going to see The Nutcracker in a few weeks time and I'm so so relieved to know she is healthy.

7. Music, especially 30 Seconds To Mars, it inspires me, lifts my mood and encourages me to fight on.

8. My job, it may be "just an admin" job but I really enjoy what I do and the people I work with, also if it hadn't seen the Psychologist through our Occupational Health dept then I wouldn't be getting the Bipolar treatment that I need, rather than being stuck on non-effective antidepressants

9. Simple pleasures like sewing, drawing, making jewellery, sitting in the run with Estelle & Esme on a warm summers' evening, going to airshows and taking photographs wherever I go.

Love Jen
XxxxxX

Up In The O2 - 30 Seconds To Mars take over the O2 Arena!

What to say about Saturday's concert? Well let's try AWESOME!

It was the 16th time I've seen Mars since 2007 , you may think that it would get a little samey but honestly it wasn't! Each show is unique and has different special moments.

Modelling my fascinator pre-show

Me and Helen had Golden Tickets which meant that prior to the show we got to meet the band and have a question and answer session with them, Helen did cause me to have near hysterics during the Q&A when upon Jared describing the funeral pyres at Varanasi in India lit from a single flame that has burned for 5000 years, she whispered "I bet he blew it out" queue lots of sniggering at the back of the room. 

Me with the Mars boys!

Getting the camera warmed up

Helen relaxing pre-show

You Me At Six were the support act, I'd not seen them before and they were really good!

After the support act it was time for us to go up on the side of the stage. Just wow! If you ever get the chance to go side of stage at the O2 arena for any band then grab it with both hands! They view is stunning and you really get a "band's eye" view. 

Just y'know hanging out side of stage, no biggie

The show itself was fantastic. I was so proud that this band I've been a fan of since way back in 2007, have been privileged enough to see in some beautiful venues around the world had sold out the O2 arena. The seats were all filled and the standing area was packed. I won't gush on about how fantastic they were, instead I'll let the pictures speak for themselves

Me & Helen post gig

The next day we went and visited Regent & Oxford Street's Christmas displays and lights. 

Regent Street

Eros in a snowglobe

St Christopher's Place

Oxford Street

Award for the best shop window goes to Selfridges for their Gingerbread City

It was a really fantastic weekend and I was so so lucky to see my favourite band with my best friend in the world, thanks Helen.

Love Jen
XxxxX

What Goes Up.......

I really hate my brain.

It's current aim is to punish me for enjoying myself and having a great weekend where I felt 'normal' again and was really happy. My regular readers will know that this weekend just gone was 30 Seconds To Mars' O2 Arena show that I went to with Helen. We were side of stage and it was amazing!

In response to my 'high' of the weekend and it's preceding days my mood has now come crashing down to absolute rock bottom. This happens every blooming time that I do something fun or exciting that I'm looking forward to. It really does feel like I'm being punished for daring to have fun or feel positive. I'd be ok if there was even some kind of middle ground, feeling a bit low or flat, but no I get to have my mood on the floor and get it trampled on.

I really can't emphasise how much of a contrast there is between the weekend's mood and my mood at the moment. Today I'm choking back tears that keep coming for no reason, have zero appetite, am being plagued by constant anxious thoughts that are skipping across a nice range of subjects from my bunnies to Christmas to life in general, I'm totally drained out and to be honest if I could hit the 'Off' button today I would.

Of course I can hang on to the hope that my mood will switch 'up' again in the next few days to give me a bit of respite from the black mood that's sticking to everything at the moment. When this happens you will of course get a far too overexcited blog about the concert complete with lots of photos of the show and also of our day of Christmas shopping on Oxford & Regent Streets!

Love Jen

XxxxX

More Fun Facts

After playing the fun status game on Facebook I thought you lucky people deserved a full Need To Know list of facts about me!

From my Facebook –

1.      I met my best friend Helen on Facebook when we were both tagged in a photo, the rest as they say is history ………….

2.      My bunnies Estelle & Esme are the centre of my universe

3.      I've seen my favourite band 30 Seconds To Mars 15 times (16 after this weekend) and my dream is to see them in NYC

4.      I love crafting and learning new crafts but if I don't pick something new up straight away then I get really frustrated.

5.      I'm incredibly messy except when it comes to my CD shelves, if you move something I will notice and chase you with a bunny!

Blog exclusives :p

6.      My favourite place in the world is Camden in London, I love the vibe and the market and the Max Orient Chinese restaurant!

7.      I carry my little camera everywhere with me and take at least 2/3 photos a day. One day I really hope to be as good as my brother Chris and his fiancee Vana who ae both amazing!

8.      If I go to a concert or airshow I spend 90% of the time watching through the camera lens, people think I miss what's going on but I just see it from a different perspective.

9.      I would love to be a professional tour photographer and follow a band around the world taking photos at concerts. 

10.     I love walking around cities at night, some of my favourite times with Helen have been us walking around at night in Lille & London.

11.     I once caused Helen & Chris to have hysterics by commenting that ducks don't like rain.

12.     I am still flummoxed by the bus system in Rome

13.     I always film displays at airshows and then edit them and add music to make mini-movies, I have Airbourne, Farnborough & Biggin Hill airshow movies going back to 2008 on my Laptop.

14.     I actually really enjoy meanial tasks like stuffing envelopes

15.     I have 6 tattoos & 13 piercings

16.     The most beautiful place I've ever been is Niagara Falls which was covered in snow and ice.

17.     I love vintage clothing and my favourite era is the 1950s

18.     I believe tea is the cure for most of the world's ills

19.     If you're my friend then I will love to spoil you with little gifts, it's my way of saying thank you for putting up with me

20.     I have a bad habit of falling asleep when I'm supposed to be taking minutes in meetings

21.     Whilst I try to be positive about my Bipolar and anxiety and tell myself it makes me unique I hate it for losing me friendships and causing me to miss out on funexperiences.

Hope you enjoyed!

Love Jen

XxxxxX

I Hate Having Bipolar - It's Awesome!

I have an announcement to make.

I Jenni cried on Saturday. Whilst this may seem a slightly odd thing to be marking on a blog it's actually quite a big thing for me. I have probably only cried properly about twice in the last 4 years, the rest of the time despite sobbing my heart out internally my eyes are totally dry. I guess it's a pressure thing, it's built up inside for so long that as I was merrily sewing away on Saturday, thinking of nothing I suddenly started bawling my eyes out. It's been coming for a few weeks ever since I changed my tablets in fact. I've been welling up at the silliest things – namely the John Lewis Bear & Hare advert because the Hare looks like my Esme. It's almost like having permanent PMT! I assume it's the tablets working their way through all the pent up anger and unhappiness and the quickest way to release it is to make me cry at a Christmas advert!

The other thing jamming up my mind over the last few days was the conversation with my Psychologist onFriday; we were discussing how I felt my new mood stabiliser tablets were working well and taking the edge off my more excitable, buzzy moods. She said that the fact they are working pretty much proves that I've had Bipolar all these years. Then she gently pointed out that Bipolar is for life and had I thought about that? I had briefly thought about it but in my normal, ostrich manner had put it out of my mind. But during that session and since then I've realised that I'm stuck with thisunpredictable mood for life now. Not only am I stuck with it but so are my friends and family. I'll never be able to wake up and think "today's going to be a good day" as I simply don't know what my mood will do. I may spend the day in a good mood, be productive and generally fun to be around. Or my mood will randomly pitch down and I'll be tearful, miserable, snappy and want to hide away and sleep forever.

I've got to manage this for the rest of my life now, which I know sounds incredibly melodramatic but sometimes Mental Illness is as debilitating as a physical problem (in fact one could argue that mental illness is a physical illness since it's driven by brain chemicals). I'm trying to be positive about it and be thankful that I have something specific wrong with me now that I can point to, but my god sometimes it's hard. It's knowing that I'll be on some form of medication or another forever and knowing that I'll never be able to fully wave goodbye to the black, black moods that I have. However I do think that the buzzy, high side of my condition helps me to be creative and gives me the get up and go I need to try new things and when you get that sudden, happy buzz of excitement out of nowhere, where you feel you're surfing on a ray of sunlight and can take on the world,well nothing beats that.

Love Jen

XxxxX

Happy Birthday Estelle & Esme

Today is a very special day, it's my beautiful bunnies Estelle & Esme's 5^th birthday!

They moved in with me when they were 8 weeks old, it's hard for me to imagine how tiny they were back then, they could each sit in the palm of my hand (anyone who has met them now, especially Princess Estelle may have trouble believing that!) and would snuggle up inside of my coat.

It sounds incredibly corny but I honestly never imagined I could immediately love these two little balls of fluff so unconditionally. They made me laugh from the beginning with their opposite personalities, Esme was too scared to go down the ramp for a week after they arrived whereas Estelle was up and down the ramp within half an hour of arriving! Even now we call Esme "brave and mighty" because of her (to put it politely) more hesitant personality. She does however make up for this with the power of her glare! There's nothing to put you in your place quite like Esme and her glare.

Whereas Esme is the definite brains (and tidying expert) of the pair Estelle is, how shall I put it delicately, not quite as intelligent as her sister. This is after all the rabbit who goes herself stuck between the fence and the run after deciding to test whether she was aerodynamic (the answer was no!) and who nearly gave herself a heart attack when she threw the toy she was playing with underneath herself! She is also the vainest rabbit I have ever met and if I have my phone or camera in my hand she will unleash her (many and varied) repertoire of poses.

I have so many wonderful memories of the girls, their first few days with us, the first time they went on the grass, laying in the grass run and being used as a bunny climbing frame, Esme falling asleep in the top of the fort and then sliding down the ramp, Estelle running up and down the top of the run as me and Helen were trying to brush her, having the food bowl thrown at me (not a rare occurrence!) and more recently discovering the girls are apparently rocket powered when put on harnesses!

I could gush all day and over many pages of blog about how wonderful the girls are and how I'd be lost without them however I am conscious that my readers may be reaching for a sick bag by now! So I will simply day Happy Birthday to the most beautiful, silly, messy, greedy and vain rabbit in the world and her equally beautiful, glarey, tidy, brave and mighty and soppy sister.

Love you girls so much.

Xxx Mummy xxX

That Was The Week That Was

Sorry for the blog drought this week, I've been concentrating on trying to get as many Christmas pressure and decorations as possible! I've made some stockings that I'm planning on filling with sweeties and treats.

Cute huh? 

I also made this 30STM headband ready for the O2 show!

I've been really excited this week as both Mind & The Blurt Foundation have been kind enough to publish some of my blogs. The reaction I've had on Twitter and Facebook has been really positive, thank you all so much. It's hard to describe how good it feel knowing I've connected with other people who have been through similar experiences.

This week I saw my GP to discuss how i've been getting on with my medication. The Lamotringe seems to be having a positive effect, it's definitely taken the 'manic' edge off of my mood and is helping my anxiety. I am still struggling with some down days so my GP has upped my dose to 100mg.

I've been seeing my Psychologist again, it's been tough going as we're tackling my anxieties, the fact that I can't eat pasta bake or sit in the 'bad' spot in the garden in case something bad happen to Helen or my family. My Psych also wants me to sign a contract with her that for the duration of our sessions I won't self-harm. That's going to be a tough ask as there are many different reasons why I cut myself, when I'm stressed, angry, punishing myself for something i've said or done wrong, I also self-harm as a way of protecting my loved ones from bad things happening to them, I see it as taking on the harm rather than it catching them.

On a far happier note today I celebrated my beautiful Estelle & Esme's 5th birthday party with the help of their Auntie Helen and Auntie Kay. The girls were of course spoilt rotten with toys and treats (including a mirror for Estelle - the world's vainest bunny!), of course there were hoomin treats too ;)

Here's a few photos -

Love Jen

XxxxxX

My Tattoos: A Spotter`s Guide

Regular readers of my blog will know I`m a big fan of tattoos and always plotting and planning what I want next! Today I added to my collection -

Sore but well worth it!

I got my first tattoo way back in 2007 when I had 3 stars tattooed on my shoulder, it was a good starter tattoo and also means I'm freezable for 3 months :p

My next tattoo came at the start of 2012 - 

My Sugar Skull tattoo affectionally known a Cyril is a Mexican Day Of The Dead celebration skull and reminds me that life is precious. He also features the 30 Seconds To Mars glyphs because their music among other things helped me turn my life around.

Next up is my Triad tattoo- 

This one is pretty simple to explain, it`s a tribute to 30 Seconds To Mars and shows I'm proud to be part of the Echelon.

After 3 small, basic tattoos this year I was ready to go for a more complicated piece and opted for a Kingfisher and a Swallow on my upper arm. 

The kingfisher was a particularly special one as it`s in tribute to my Grandma who got the all clear from cancer earlier this year. Kingfishers are her favourite bird and for as long as I can remember I've associated them with her.

Underneath the Kingfisher is a rockabilly style sallow -

I chose a swallow because they are a summer bird and I have happy memories as a child of laying watching them flying over the garden on many a summers evening. The swallow is carrying cherries which are for Helen as they are her favourite fruit and fitted with the summer theme.

Today's tattoo was to comemmorate a few things, the first was the 5 year anniversary of my friend Nat passing away which falls this month (read about her story here). It was also in celebration of my beautiful Estelle & Esme turning 5 next week. 

I drew the rabbit as a combination of both the girls, Esme`s `up` ears and Estelle`s expression. It also has the Chinese Zodiac sign for rabbit which is conveniently my zodiac sign (see it was meant to be!). And don't worry I've triple checked and the symbol definitely means rabbit and not special fried rice or anything. 

All together!

People often ask me if I worry about what my tattoos will look like when I'm older and to be honest, whilst I know that they won't look this sharp and colourful forever, I think I will be pleased that I had the get up and go to go out there and get them done - rather than spending my life saying "what if?".

My tattoos also give me more confidence and reflect my creative nature, aside from the Triad, I've designed them all and it`s a great feeling having art that you`ve created as a permanent part of you. On a purely superficial level I have pretty bad spots on my arms and the tattoos distract from that and give me the confidence to wear short-sleeved or sleeveless tops.

I definitely want more tattoos, on my other arm i`d like the summer element of Mucha`s Four Seasons and I shall obviously need to put an Alice In Wonderland related piece in there somewhere ...... 

Love Jen

XxxxX

It's Bedlam In Here!

Last night was the second instalment of Channel 4's Bedlam series which gives an insight into the lives of the staff and patientsworking in South London & Maudsley's NHS Trust's Mental Health services. This episodefocused on Lambeth Hospital's Triage unit which assesses patients who are admitted to them and make the crucial decision as towhether the patient is discharged to be cared for in the community or whether they are admitted to one of the longer stay beds.

In my opinion the programme gave a valuableinsight into the workings of an acute mental health ward and the everyday experiences of staff and patients. So much of what goes on'Behind The Scenes' in mental health is woefully unreported and it was incredibly refreshing to see staff & doctors portrayed as professionals with the best interests of the patients at heart. The programme also dealt very sensitively with the problems faced by the patients including Rupert a gentleman suffering from severe bipolar with psychosis. Instead of turning Rupert's story into a dramatic piece and sensationalising his symptoms he was presented in an almost clinical manner which was crucially non-invasive. Sometimes I feel the camera crewpushes the subjects of these films so hard and I wonder what the long-term effect on them is.

I really think more of these programmes are needed to shed further light on how mental health affects not only the sufferer but their family, friends and show the interactions between patient and health worker. Even I, who makes it my business to know about mental health in an admittedly very amateur way, learnt something new from this episode– about how triage works and the different Mental Health Act 'Sections' that can be applied in a patient's best interests.

The programme also highlighted the progress made in mental health care since Bedlam's heyday when Victorian folk would pay to view the poor souls incarcerated and mistreated in there. Whilst there is still much work to be done with regards to mental health, on occasion, being treated as a modern day freak show we can draw comfort from the fantastic advances in medication that have been made in the last few decades. These advances mean that people like me with more mild complaints can function and work in the community and live a life. Coupled with talking therapies I'm hoping that more people will have a better quality of life rather than the cycle of admissions to hospital and secure units.

Love Jen

XxxxX

Just Keep Swimming

Big Brother Voice* "Week 3 on the Lamotrigine"

Well aside from the black mood that washed in halfway through Friday and is only fading away today, I'm pretty happy with the Lamotrigine. Last night I upped the dose to 3 tablets to try and break my mood and anxiety which hopefully will work. I've definitely been feeling a lot calmer and happier as today has gone on. I'm really, really hoping that it has an effect soon, especially as I only have 4 more sessions with the Psychologist through the Occupational Health service.

I have a new Psychologist as my previous one was only temporary. She seems really nice but it's hard re-going over what I've already discussed. I've indicated to her that I want to tackle my anxiety problems in the remaining sessions, I have a sneaking suspicion that it was anxiety hangover from going out twice (Shocker) last week that pushed my mood down. My problem is that when I'm asked "what are you feeling?" or "Why do you feel this way?" my mind goes blank, which I imagine is some kind of defence mechanism that my brain puts in. I really need to learn to open up quick as with only 4 sessions left it's kinda time-critical. I really hope I get something out of it as, melodramatic as it sounds, I really cannot cope with the idea that this is it for the rest of my life. The thought of constant low mood and terror at the idea of going out and seeing people for the next 50 years really doesn't appeal.

In more positive news I contacted the Blurt Foundation (http://blurtitout.org/) a support and awareness network for those suffering Depression & Anxiety (you can also follow them on Twitter@BlurtAlerts) and they are interested in publishing some of my blogs! I also have Mind putting up one of my blogs on Monday (link to follow as soon as I have it). It's pretty exciting, perhaps this is me finding my voice and using it to help people.

Here's hoping!

Love Jen

XxxxX

"Have you tried turning your brain back off and then on again?"

Well sadly the good mood of my last blog couldn't last. Over the last few days i've been back to a depressive cycle with a helpful dollop of extreme anxiety covering "shall I cancel the O2 tickets" to Google imaging False Widow spiders and being on spider watch around the Bunny hutch after reading of a pet rabbit killed by a spider bite. Admittedly I feel the spider may be in more danger if it approached the girls, Esme may glare at it or Estelle may of course sit on it.........

I don't know if the low cycle has been bought on by me making myself be sociable last week at the party, trying not to appear too weird to people I don't know that well. 

The last time I saw the Occ Health Psychologist she said I had to start challenging myself to do things that scare me or cause my anxiety to sky rocket (and no that does not involve holding a snake or eating a banana Helen and Monkey!), but if it has this effect of making me a wreck for the next few days after is it really worth it? 

I have to start with a new psychologist today as the one I was seeing before was only temporary. I'm sure the new Psych will be just as nice as the old one but I really don't want to have to re-go over why i'm in this situation. I'm hoping previous psych will have left decent cover notes to avoid my bullying, recovery, depressed again sob story. 

I have to go into work in a minute with my "Everything's fine" mask on, some of my work colleagues who I'm closer to can partially see through it (in fact we all joke about me being mental, and yes i'm comfortable with that, I'd far rather we approached it with a sense of humour rather than it being a big polka dot elephant t in the room) but I'm worried that one day the mask will accidentally fly off and they'll see how crazy I really am.

I hate to end blogs on a low note as you know but today is one of those days when I'm really struggling to see the happy side of the coin. I know that it's early days for the mood stabilisers and that I can go up another tablet to 75mg a day if I need to, the problem is that they make me so tired (hence why I take them at night) and I honestly can't keep relying on colleagues good nature when they find me asleep in meetings or dozing off at my computer. 

Hopefully this is a blip on the way to recovery and getting my good mood back, cross your fingers for me. 

Love Jen

XxxxxX

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

This week has officially been a good week, I've been making myself go out and generally be a normal, social human being and the results seem to be paying off. 

On Sunday I had a wonderful day in Brighton with Helen & Kay

My two favorite ladies

Yep there was Rainbow Cake

And yes as officially mental I'm allowed to pose with this sign!

On Wednesday I went to Emma's Halloween party. I'd forgotten how much I enjoy getting my full goth on and painting my face

Day Of The Dead Make-Up - yes I kinda went as my tattoo

As always Em's house was decorated brilliantly with loads of Halloween treats and general spooky stuff. I was also really pleased with how my spider fascinator came out (amazing what you can do with some fabric and pipecleaners).

Em managed to turn herself into the Ghost Pope

A better shot of the spider fascinator (and my hair doing odd things)

Last night I went to Gem's and as well as worshipping Ellie her gorgeous cat I learnt to carve pumpkins for the first time *insert self-harmer and knife joke here*.

I went for slightly more gothy make-up last night

Gem carving like a pro

Making a mess!

The back of Gem's pumpkin

Gem's Pumpkin

My Pumpkin

Obviously I snuck a triad on mine!

In all their glowing glory on the front step

Ellie felt we should've been focusing on her and not Nightmare Before Christmas

It sounds silly but I'm actually quite proud of myself for doing loads this week. It's still teeny baby steps but it's giving me hope that this is the start of something.

Love Jen

XxxxX