It all started with an advert on TV yesterday for the new "Teenage Dirtbags" compilation album featuring Wheatus, Sum41, Blink 182 and loads more from the early noughties pop punk explosion. Leading me to exclaim "That's my youth!" ... "Woah there hold up" my brain shouted "You are still young". Sadly logic took over when I realised most of the featured songs were over a decade (some almost 15 years) old.
My brain then went into a meltdown of realisation that I've moved up from the 18-25 age bracket and am steaming towards 30. And to bombard you with cliches it has all happened in a flash. I realised that most of me is, let's face it still a teenager. My body may be doing all sorts of odd things at the moment (yes I have the guts of a 60 year old .... Hope you're all enjoying your tea) but mentally I'm still 17 sometimes.
I think the problem may be that I first got sick a few months after I turned 18 which froze some parts of my brain. I still leap around excitedly if I hear songs I like, my bedroom walls are still plastered with photographs & the odd poster, and yes my wardrobe door is covered in tickets from nearly every gig or festival I've ever been to. I still hang onto childish hopes that everything'll turn out ok in the end and that I'll suddenly become better.
Then there's the fact that my brain will often go into 'scared kid' mode, a hangover from Secondary School that leaves me paranoid about what people are saying about and think of me. Despite now (and then) proclaiming that I don't want to be like everyone else, I'm an individual (que Monty Python-esque crowd scene) etc etc there is still a small part of me that wonders if life would be simpler if I just fitted in.
The benefit of being older comes into play here, for all my lack of self-esteem I am definitely more comfortable with 'me'. To me it's ok that some days I want to dress in a 1940s style tea dress and red lippie and the next day relive the 2007/2008 Emo culture (god I loved the music then) hello eyeliner and MCR (miss you!). Nowadays it's not a mortal sin to love both Metallica and dance around to pop music like Lady GaGa (so excited for the new album!)
The irony is that at work I'm often mistaken for being older than 26. I sometimes think that depression has made other parts of my brain grow old faster, it has made me cynical and suspicious. My anxiety demands that I worry about every little detail and predict worse case scenarios and how to deal with/prevent them. This does lead to a lot of mother-hen-ing of loved ones which I'm trying to work on (yes I'm even trying to dismantle the infamous 'Worry List').
So I'm going to use the few threads of useful optimism I've been left to work on getting better and being happy. Which may not be my college-era dreams of working in the music industry and looking good in skinny jean and cool in Converse but you know what, so long as I get to go to a few gigs a year and leap around like a loon, laugh uncontrollably over stupid things (hello duck conversation with Helen ... Don't ask ... Really don't!) and rock my Doc Martens and feel healthy and content then I'm good ta.
So all that's left really is to ask "Listen to Iron Maiden maybe with me?"
Xx Jen xX
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone on O2
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