When trying to explain to someone my highs and lows it's sometimes really hard to explain the sheer difference in thoughts, feelings, energy etc. However over the last few days I've been going into probably the worst low I've had in quite some time.
Last night, despite going to bed exhausted at 10.30 I was awake until about 2am with my head churning out some pretty horrible thoughts it has to be said. The stupid thing about my brain is that on a good or a 'high' day I can barely remember how my low days or moments feel. Which (pardon the phrase) is completely crazy as I can flip straight from a real low into a high or vice versa at the flick of a switch.
It's in low periods like I've been in the last few days that I'm probably (apologies for sounding dramatic here) the most 'dangerous' to myself. Last night I would have quite honestly done anything to get rid of the misery and horrible, horrible anxiety banging around my brain. I was at the point that I was thinking I didn't want to wake up such was the force of my blackness. Now let me be clear, I'm not suicidal at this moment, but I do worry that I a really low moment like last night I may snap and do something stupid. It's hard to explain to someone not familiar with either depression or the depressive elements of Bipolar, when you are in depression's grip you are so desperate to shut your head up that you are prepared to take extreme action.
Let me also say that whilst I feel 'luckier' to be bipolar, with it's moments\days of being incredibly high and creative, or indeed the 'middle ground' (what I guess to most people would be 'normal') days, waiting for the change in mood really doesn't work when you're terrified that the black won't shift and you'll be stuck in a pit. It's times like this that I'm trying so so so hard not to return to self-harming, I had a ceremonial throwing away of razors hidden under my bed when me and Helen were tidying last weekend, yet I still carry my 'emergency kit' of a couple of razor blades and some plasters in whichever handbag I'm using "just in case". I had to practically pin myself into the mattress and tie myself up in the duvet last night to stop myself reaching for them.
Right now I'm thinking I should see GP and ask about stronger meds etc, but I know by the time I get round to an appointment I will (hopefully) be in a happy mood and my brain will be telling me I made this all up! I'm hoping that this patch of depression and pretty severe anxiety has been bought on by a week of stressful events; an imminent office move (I don't cope well with change), trying to drum up interest in my Rethink fundraising (one week to go eeek), a friend's health, worrying about another friend's home situation and all sorts of little things that've just blown a fuse in my head. I'm supposed to be going to some friends tonight for a Mexican themed party but now I'm just filled with fear even though I've been doing so well with socialising lately.
Love Jen
XxxX
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