Happy late Easter to you all, hope your weekend was chocolate filled! I of course was busy giving the girls extra attention on International Bunny Appreciation Sunday, well that's what they told me the occasion was, hence the requirement for extra treats! I've been scanning some old family photographs and have popped a few on here for a giggle, you will note from the face paint picture that I have always been bunny-obsessed!
I also seemed to spend most of the break tidying and cleaning my room, mostly under Helen's supervision. I have 're-homed' 3 bags of cuddly toys to the charity shop along with a large bag of books. I've taken down & moved around various posters and photos on the wall and re-arranged my CD collection (265 to be precise). I'm kind of still waiting for the 'inner peace' that's supposed to come with chucking loads of stuff out but, much like with Eastbourne's bus service, I'm still waiting. I thought it was supposed to be some kind of cathartic revelation, I may write to Trading Standards about this as it has clearly been mis-sold!
So today instead of inner peace I've got up from a night full of anxiety-triggered nightmares. I'm really low today and struggling to summon any enthusiasm for anything, let alone concentrate at work. All my thoughts about anything are negative or frustrated, I'm incredibly pessimistic about planning for the fundraising party at the moment. I pretty much know that no-one's going to turn up or be interested in any of the bits I've made to sell to raise money.
Another gripe for the day is since when has it been acceptable to comment to someone about how much more attractive they'd look or better they'd feel "If you just lost a bit of weight" and it's not just one person I've heard it from, it's been several! Shockingly enough people I am aware that I am fat! I own a mirror and can see what I look like and I am capable of reading the size labels on my clothes. People seem to think that because I dress how I do that I have skin as thick as my waistline and super-confidence. Let me break it to you, the only reason I wear these clothes is because I like them and have gotten to the stage where I know I look unattractive and fat whatever I'm wearing, however I feel I may as well be fat in pretty clothes! Then there is of course the suggestion that I may consider changing my diet, shock! You mean chocolate makes me fat?! How did I get to this age without learning this vital piece of information! Let me put it like this, chocolate is my one vice that helps me cope with the crap that the world sometimes throws at me. If I didn't eat chocolate I would likely still be self-harming or over-relying on Gin so let's just re-evaluate this, what's more healthy Twirl Bites or drunken cutting?
I've had years of my unattractiveness being drummed into me and I don't need reminding ta.
Love (a rather grumpy) Jen
XxxX
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