In Search Of A Bipolar Fairy Godmother

It's probably not best to ask me to help plan stuff, what seems like an amazing idea one day, that I pursue and obsess over with unbridled energy the next day is a stupid idea that's doomed to failure and quite frankly too much effort. 

I guess this is another, helpful, Bipolar thing (or perhaps just me I don't know, sometimes I wish I had some kind of Bipolar fairy godmother who could answer my questions!). 

At the start of the week I was super excited and energised planning ideas for a tea party and quiz night to raise money for Rethink. I was out 3/5 evenings this week just gone, I saw Captain America with Helen on Tuesday, had the first BBQ Of the year with Luke, Barry, Hilary, Lydia & James on Wednesday and on Thursday went to a Deep Purple/Led Zeppelin tribute band with Mum and Dad (yes I was the youngest person there!). Which I think for me was pretty damn good going, I only had one or two "waaaaa" panics. 

But since yesterday I've been completely drained out and unenthusiastic about planning this party and in fact most things in general. All I've wanted to do is sleep, I cut short meeting a friend for a cup of tea in town yesterday just because I felt so 'meh'. I feel super-guilty having enthused on here and on Facebook and Twitter about my amazing plans to raise money and now having second thoughts before it's even gotten off the ground. I remember a cartoon I saw once of a 'Bi-Polar Bear' in one square inviting all his friends to his amazing Christmas party, the next square has him hiding in bed with a large sign saying "Fuck off" on the front door. It made me chuckle but it is sadly a reality for me. 

I know compared to lows I used to have this is nothing. In a really weird way because I'm not getting the big ups and downs 'cos the medication is working I sometimes wonder if there's actually something wrong with me at all. It's so hard to explain- since I'm acting and feeling 'normal' does that make me un-ill? It's really confusing to be honest. I've read through so many accounts of other people the same as me who've finally been prescribed the correct meds who sing the praises of their life getting back on track. I've yet to find anyone else who feels this uneasy, wondering if their mind is playing a trick on them. Maybe it's because I've been not right for so long that is normal for me. 

I realise I must sound incredibly ungrateful! But I am grateful that my moods are more stable, with far smaller peaks and troughs. I just wish sometimes that I had someone else going through or has gone through the same experiences as me that I can check it out with. ‎I think sometimes what I need is someone to just tell me to get on with it and ignore my pouting and protests. According to a book I'm reading at the moment I should be bringing order to my life, to be honest at this moment in time I'm plotting where the author can stick his order......

Love Jen

XxxX