Tips For Year 7s

** TRIGGER WARNING** This post contains strong language and explicit references****

#Tipsforyear7s has been trending on Twitter over the weekend to prepare the new intakes to secondary schools around the country for the new world they'll be entering (Admittedly I find it pretty worrying that kids of 11/12 have Twitter accounts!).

Allow me to offer some of my pearls of wisdom.

*General Advice*

Lunch break will be an hour later than you're used to. Prepare to starve.....

You will spend the first couple of weeks paranoid that you've written your lesson schedule down wrong.

You will change as fast as humanly possible after PE due to the teacher of your following lesson failing to understand that 5 minutes between lessons really isn't enough time to change and fight your way along the corridor.

*Advice If You Wish To Become (And retain your membership as) One Of The 'In-Crowd'*

Be prepared to ditch your friends from primary school (see below)

Expect to become a clone of a mean-girls style group, any  spark of individuality will be punishable by social demotion.

Store up a list of snide remarks and insults to keep the geeks in their place.

*If You're Like Me*

Be prepared to be disowned by your primary school friends within hours

Expect aforementioned 'friends' to use any embarrassing confessions you may have made to them in the past as currency to elevate themselves and fit in.

Also beware of said friends suddenly wanting to re-befriend you when they need fresh ammo.

Be prepared for teachers to ignore any reports you make of bullying behaviour despite the giant anti-bullying policy signs in the canteen.

Be prepared to be blamed for your teachers to blame you for your social exclusion

Be careful of liking or disliking any music/films/TV Shows not authorised by the 'in-crowd'

Look foward to accusations of your good self attaching dildos to posters of your favourite bands since you're sooooo lonely (pretty sure that sexual frustration isn't a topic for 12/13 year olds to speculate upon by hey oh)

You will be expected to take slaps on the arse and groping of your books as a compliment

As before don't EVER consider reporting a particularly intimate grope of your backside (performed in front of about 10 people naturally). You will be ostracised forevermore.

Expect to be shot with a BB Gun and the school's response to be to beg your parents not to go to the local press.

Start saving now for the medication and therapy sessions you will need to try and deal with these experiences. It's costly kids!

And remember above all that these are the best days of your life!!!

Love Jen
XxxX