My counsellor and I started off gradually covering experiences that were lower down my 'trauma scale'. We started off by working on a bad workplace experience (the link for that blog and an explanation of EMDR can be found here). We then moved on to losing my beautiful Stelly. The aim isn't for you to forget the events but to take some of the 'sting' out of them. For example when it comes to Stelly when I think about losing her I no longer blame myself for what happened, nor do I feel such overwhelming emotion. Instead I've been able to focus on my lovely memories of her and all the mischief she and Esme used to get up to (don't worry Esme still gets up to enough mischief on her own) and yes feel sad, mourn her and miss her but without such an intense reaction.
The next plan was to start working on the bullying trauma, which is the really big one that has shaped who I am still to this day. We had one whole session and a half session of trying but I felt nothing. EMDR works on your physical reactions to memories, for example when I was focusing on Stelly I was actually 'sick' (without actually being sick or retching it was the weirdest sensation) or when we were working on the work problems my forearms tingled where I used to cut them to relieve the stress). So to feel absolutely nothing to the point of being numb was really odd. Essentially I think my brain has tried to detach itself so far from school that I can't connect the physical reactions.
After trying for the first half hour of a session with no reaction we decided to try and see if I could work through the sexual assault and some other uncomfortable experiences of that nature I've had. I connected with this and had some quite unpleasant sensations that I won't detail here as they are quite triggering for anyone who happens to be reading who's had similar experiences (🤗🤗🤗 to you if you have).
Unfortunately I've had to pause the sessions temporarily as the memories, thoughts and feelings that it bought up were pretty overwhelming and lead to me self-harming again and feeling 'unsafe' (my code word for suicidal). I was back to feeling disgusted with my body and self as a whole, before my first experience in the first few weeks of secondary school I'd never really thought about my body that much but it was after that my feelings of disgust and general embarrasment around how I look started and never left. Put it this way even when I was thin I felt uncomfortable, imagine how gross I feel now 🤣.
It also dredged up my memories of being 'frigid' and 'unnatural' due to my own sexual dysfunction (one of the large factors as to why I'd never entertain being in a relationship again). My fear about how people see me, benefit of dressing like a goth and being fat is that no-one looks at you as being potentially attractive - a top tip there (you're welcome 🤣).
So due to all of the above the EMDR has been paused until I can become a bit more stable again (lots of other life worries at the moment so it may be some time). I do want to continue as these memories need to be worked though alongside some others such as deaths of friends and family, relationship breakdowns etc.
On a cheerful note to end the blog I've been doing plenty of Halloween 🦇 🎃 decoration shopping (if you follow me on good ole Instagram jenraefrances you'll have been spammed with pictures and videos in my stories) and I was wondering if anyone would like to see blogs about them and my Halloween prepping in the run up to the big day! Let me know.
Love Jen
XxxX
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