The article that really caught my attention in this issue was the story of a girl called Clair who is using her experiences of self-harm and mental illness in her work as a peer support worker.
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| Clair describing her job |
To me, self-harm is still one of the biggest mental health taboos, especially self-harm in adults so I thought that by sharing my story and experiences I may help just chip away a tiny bit at the taboo wall.
When someone says "self-harm" the image that is often conjured up is of attention-seeking teenagers following a fashion trend. Indeed the media often portray it as some kind of adolescent rite of passage along with your first kiss, first pair of Converse (or was that just me and my friends?).
What goes unreported is the amount of adults who self-harm, I think that the general consensus is that as adults we should know better. My own self-harming didn't start until between the ages of 19\20 when I should obviously have grown out of it!
My self-harming started to become a serious habit back in 2007. At first it was small nicks to my arm with a belt buckle or a drawing pin during stressful days at work. At the same time I was also trying to get my head around my depression diagnosis and get used to the medication that, as someone helpfully told me, appeared to be "dumbing down" my ability to function.
Weirdly, although it was happening in tandem with my depression my self-harming was more linked to stress in my job and the anger and frustration that seemed to constantly batter my brain (I now recognise that as a common symptom of my bipolar). I would hide in the toilets at work with my trusty pin and scratch out my anger.
People always assume that if you self-harm then you must be suicidal. In fact I believe that over these years self-harming has actually allowed me (granted in a completely unhealthy way) to blow off the steam that would have eventually lead to me completely crumbling. Far from being a suicide attempt it was actually a survival technique!
When I had my period of wellness in 2010 the self-harming stopped, I was feeling well, was off all medication, had finally left the job that caused me so much misery, was doing all the things I'd missed out on before (including bad dancing in nightclubs - apologies to my fellow clubbers at the TJs establishment in Eastbourne).
Unfortunately it wasn't to last and in the summer of 2011, after several months that included the bereavement of my Grandad, the break-up of my 6 year relationship and other events my depression came back with a vengeance along with anxiety.
This time my self-harm went hand in hand with the anxiety. When I couldn't breathe, my stomach was in knots and I was shaking a quick cut on the arm with a razor blade (I was using serious tools now y'know) bought me back down and released the tension. It also linked in with the part of my anxiety that told me "if you cut yourself then it will protect your family and friends". To a 'sane' person this would of course be ridiculous but to someone who's biggest concern in the world is the welfare of her friends and family it was an essential thing to do. A bit of bleeding and pain was a small price to pay to protect my loved ones.
Around this time was when I had my most 'dangerous' self-harm incident. It happened on a normal morning, I was going into work later as I had a dentist appointment (no before you ask this wasn't a ploy to skip my check up) and had decided to have a wander around the town before my appointment. Today I can't pinpoint the chain of events that led me to be sitting in the Arndale Centre toilets (classy bird aren't I?) Unwrapping my 'kit' I carried around with me, it contained two razorblades and plasters of various sizes.
Looking back I guess whatever had troubled me so that morning must've been completely clouding my mind because I sliced across my arm with more force than normal. I immediately realised that I may have done some damage when it started bleeding straight away, there's normally a few milliseconds pause before the red stuff pops up. And it didn't stop bleeding like my other cuts did normally after a minute or so, this one kept bubbling up again and again.
Now the sensible course of action would have been to summon help, see a first aider etc. But in Jenni logic the best course of action was to bandage it up with loo roll and copious amounts of plasters and go on to my appointment. Which is exactly what I did. Lucky it was chilly so I had the excuse to keep my coat on! When I got to work I found some heavy duty plaster roll (perks of working in a hospital) and simply got on with my day.
When I think about that morning now I still shudder a bit about how stupid I was, not in the act of the self-harm (in fact I was proud of myself at the time for punishing myself so well) but of how easily it could've gotten infected or I could've passed out in a dramatic fashion.
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| I still have the scar, I like to think it looks like a go faster stripe |
I'd like to say that the chilly October morning was a turning point but sadly it wasn't, the cutting continued albeit in a more careful way.
In fact it was only last year after my 'problems' being treated as Bipolar and my medication being changed to mood stabilisers along with the talking therapy and calming techniques that my need to harm started to lessen. My last episode of self harm was around the start of November last year (my legs still have the attractive marks - lucky it's not summer yet!
Whilst I think the temptation to self harm will always be there, it's part of how my brain reacts to my illness, the techniques i've learnt of making myself wait 5, 10, 15 minutes to see if the need is still there really helps.
I'm not going to tell you that's the definitive method to combating the desire to self-harm, everyone has their own way, some people draw red lines on themselves, some people hold a block of ice to their wrist. Quite often it can be hard to find the right information and professional support. I definitely think it's something people need to be educated about and a subject that deserves to be discussed far more openly.
If you are struggling with self-harm then you really aren't alone and it is NOTHING to be ashamed of.
Love Jen
XxxX
Here are some websites you may find useful-
http://www.harmless.org.uk
http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-harm/#.Ux4XXe9FD0wUx4XXe9FD0w
http://www.nshn.co.uk
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