How funny, in the blog I posted earlier today I mentioned how helpful the mental health charity Rethink are with their resources and lo and behold an e-mail has just popped up on my Blackberry informing me that Sunday is world Bipolar awareness day. So I feel with my recent experience that a second blog of the day is in order. Whilst I don't have a "formal" Bipolar diagnosis on my medical history I do believe this, rather than Unipolar Depression, is what I wrestle with on a daily basis. I have been told by a psychologist that I have far too many 'highs' to have depression and I take Lamotringe, a mood stabiliser, that is only prescribed for Bipolar so I figure if the cap fits ….
Ever since I can remember I have struggled to comprehend the sudden changes in thoughts and moods that I have. I can honestly be on top of the world one minute and the next at the bottom of a cliff. I guess I just thought that everyone was the same, with sudden mood changes or freaking out about strange things. It was only later on after researching the condition that I realised that these changes and the high level of anxiety and my irrational anger that I have are in fact symptoms of Bipolar. I've discussed my path to getting the right treatment in previous blogs so I don't want to re-tread old ground today. I want to try and capture what living with Bipolar is like and dispel some common misconceptions. To do this I want to use the e-mail I received from Rethink with some of the statistics they've provided.
Over one in ten (13%) of people think that Bipolar is "another name for mood swings"
I think the way that Bipolar is portrayed in the media can lead to this stereotype, of someone laughing one minute and crying the next. Whilst this is great for dramatic or comedic value the truth is far less amusing. When a 'low' really hits it can leave you feeling like you've been hit by a train. The best way I can describe a depressive episode is being surrounded by a black cloud that smothers everything and chokes you. When I am low all I want to do is sleep to escape from the hideous blackness and horrible, horrible thoughts that spin around my head. By the same token, although I have never experienced a 'manic' high, my 'highs' tend to involve me talking incessantly, having 'amazing' ideas that will change the world running through my head at 100 miles an hour, making declarations and promises that I know I will struggle to keep, I have to watch my spending else I will end up with 15 identical polka dot dresses. Obviously the 'highs' can be brilliant, I feel energetic, I get lots of creative work done, I'm sociable and everything is fun. I think these contrasts are way more than a PMT-style mood swing!
Less than one in four (18%) of people would tell their boss if they had Bipolar disorder
I am incredibly lucky in my workplace that the colleagues I have opened up to about my illness have been fantastic. Because of how tired my medication makes me I am allowed to work through lunch and leave at 4pm to ensure I can have a sleep before dinner so I still get an evening. When I'm having a "low" period/day they know not to push me and to make me plenty of cups of tea! On the flipside on my energetic "up" days they benefit from me working far faster than normal! All joking aside though, unfortunately because of Bipolar's duel- state of mind nature people find it hard to get to grips with someone who can appear upbeat and happy one day and depressed the next. There have also been so many horror stories of "mental" people lurking in dark alleys with knives that people automatically think that someone with Bipolar will "flip" out on them. I think some of the, incredibly untrue, consensus that exists in some work places is that people with Bipolar are somehow less reliable because if someone can't control their mood then how can they be relied upon to deliver the goods at work?
I guess what I'd most like people to know about living with Bipolar is how damn difficult it can be. It's hard to cope with any kind of pressure or stress as it can flip my mood out entirely. I worry that I won't be able to progress in work or life because of this, any little changes can destabilise my mood. I have to work hard to try and keep my head in check, my medication helps with this but I still have to do a lot of the graft. It's hard to explain to someone that you don't know if you can do something on a particular day because if I've hit a low I'm really bad company. However when I'm on a high I get a crazy, wonderful buzz that nothing touches. So as difficult as living with such an unpredictable condition can be, it's those moments I hang onto.
Love Jen
XxxX
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