Another day, another day off work. At the moment I seem to spend more time at home than at work which doesn't take a genius to work out that I'm not getting paid very much at the moment.
Last week I had a conversation with my boss and she (absolutely understandably) said that if I can't commit to regular days working (in this case Thursdays and Fridays when I'm placed in the Diabetes Centre office) then they may have to let me go. I said to her that I understood totally, if you're promising an office help and the help doesn't turn up that day then it makes it doubly hard for them.
So far this year and for most of last year I've not worked a full week (excluding holidays/regular days off etc) because of days off sick. I think I worked out that by the middle of last year that I'd lost put on about 2 months full-time wages 'cos of sickness.
Every week I start off with the promise to myself that "this'll be the week I'm going to be in every single day" but invariably it's an empty promise as there will be at least 2 or more days that I just can't make it in. The past 2 weeks have been particularly bad with me only managing about 18-20 hours out of a potential 60 odd. It's been more of an exception because of Stelly-gate but still it doesn't bode well.
If I lose this job I'm stuffed. There is no employer in the world that would take me on with this sickness record. I don't believe I'd be entitled to any help as I'm currently (through my own choice) working as a zero hours employee and one takes into account when they accept the job that it could all end without warning. This apparently is the equivalent of leaving a job without having another lined up in the eyes of the powers that be.
So I spend the days that I'm off, like today, terrified of being 'let go' and the implications of that. I guess I fall down the cracks as ever, same as with the lack of any kind of health help available. It's a case of pay through the nose or 'just get on with it'. I'm lucky enough that my parents are going to pay for a private counsellor (I meet her this Friday) and I feel sick with guilt about it. I'm 2 weeks off from being 30 and they're still having to pay for my basic health.
I don't know how many others like me there are out there, trying to hold on to zero hours jobs knowing that if they lose them then they're pretty much on the dumpster of life. We'd sure as hell not qualify for any kind of disability help, I think you have to have a leg hanging off to even be considered nowadays. Then if, just for example, someone like me was to qualify then I would be seen as a scrounger, too lazy to leave the house and a drain on society. Trust me I already feel enough of a drain on everyone around me without upsetting society too!
I realised the other day that 2/4 jobs that I've ever had (I'm not counting my part time Asda job when I was at college or working for Powerplay as we all hated it and wanted out from there) half of them have gone to shit and right now this job seems to be doing the same.
Although I spent nearly 4 years at CMS/Veritek, God knows how, I had time that I was signed off and the rest of the time getting screamed at across the office or down the phone by two managers who had it in for me. They literally used to keep a spreadsheet of any mistakes I, or my department (making the assumption that I should get the blame either way) made and submit it to higher management each week. I left in the summer of 2010 as I couldn't take any more.
Then at my last job we had memory stick-gate and we all know how that went, just read any of my blogs from Mid 2014 to the start of 2015. Yet again I screwed a job up royally, the worst of it being that it was a job I really enjoyed with people I loved working with.
I've messed up two 'decent' jobs now, both pretty well paid with the chance for progression and promotion. Whilst I don't exactly have that in this job I do really enjoy what I do! I like playing with the letters, filing notes, having lunch with Helen (she works on one of the wards as the star Ward Clerk!) and so many other little things. But it seems my self-destruct is trying to trigger once again to screw everything up.
What's a girl to do?
Love Jen
XxxX
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