Yet another night going to bed anxious and wired out of my fucking skull. My efforts to have a nice calm last few weeks of my 20s are well out the window, across the street and narrowly missing smashing windows!
I can't take any more of the permanent panic attack that I'm in. I can't look at the buns without wanting to sob hysterically. I actually dread opening the hutch first thing in the morning in case I find one of them has passed away overnight. I love them so much, they're the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.
I hate that I have to upset Stelly every morning by tipping her upside down and trying to wipe her. It upsets her which makes me feel even worse, but the potential alternatives are horrendous. I worry that Esme feels neglected because of all the focus being on Stelly's health. We're off to the vets again tomorrow to see if they can give any advice on better ways to keep her clean, show us how to give a butt bath etc.
I'm scared that I'm going to lose my job with all the time off I'm having. When I'm at work I have to fill myself up on coffee to make up for the exhaustion from my sleepless night's. The coffee then gives me panic attacks and sicky headaches. I don't want to lose my job, I really enjoy it! If I say so myself I'm the best envelope stuffer in the West!
I honestly don't know how much more stress I can take before I really do have a major meltdown. Meeting this new therapist on Wednesday can't come soon enough!!!!
Love Jen
XxxX
Ps where in God's name is the new 30 Seconds To frigging Mars album? Pull your fingers out lads before I ditch you for 21 Pilots (*shudder*)
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