The Edge Of Glory

*Big Brother voice* week two of the new job and I'm suffering the stress already. It's not even that the job is that hard, it's just impatience with myself as I'm still making mistakes or unable to remember how to do things. Everyone keeps telling me to chill out, and I'd love to but in the words of the goddess GaGa I wasn't Born This Way. I'm so paranoid about making mistakes because of my last job (thanks guys) that I'm on edge all the time, I have neck ache from tensing up for god's sake. My main worry is that because I am a temporary Bank Administrator they are well within their rights to turn round and tell me not to come back if I mess up.

Don't get me wrong, everyone I've met so far has been lovely especially Danielle the supervisor (she also has the best collection of headbands I've ever seen on anyone aside from me!) but I do feel that I must be annoying them all with the amount of questions I ask! The Clinical Admin are a pretty big team and all swap jobs around (I'm hoping that'll be the case for me too as I really want to do notes prepping and that kind of thing) which actually grants me a lot of anonymity as I don't see the same people day after day. Usually when I'm in a new job I go out of my way to make friends and get to know people and latch onto connections immediately (apparently it's some kind of seeking acceptance because of my low self-esteem according to my book) but this time I can't afford to.

If I open up to the wrong person about my history or even a hobby or something that they don't approve of then that could also see me gone. So I have mastered the art of listening to people and asking questions about themselves and if I get asked anything (luckily all I've been asked so far is where I worked before and "Are you Trish Richardson's daughter?") I give the simplest and most non-commital answer possible. I make sure I'm always polite and friendly (my cheeks ache from smiling) but I have to leave it at that.

Of course the problem with having a public facing NHS job is that I have to comply with the uniform policy which today meant having to remove my lip stud (Dad and Grandma I can hear you cheering from here),  I'm a bit pissed off about it as I clearly saw a nurse the other day walking round with double the amount of facial piercings I have! I'm compromising with myself by keeping it in at the weekends and putting it back in when I get home from work but it honestly felt like removing a piece of me when I took it out earlier.

It did make me think about the whole identity thing, well my own anyway. The things that I find most key to my physical identity are all 'additions', I wasn't born with my piercings (10) and tattoos (7 soon to be 8) but they feel more 'me' than say my nose or eyebrows. I guess this goes back to the whole self-esteem thing, because I don't like myself it's my way of attempting to mould myself into the person I want to be. It's ironic really that things that make me stand out from the crowd actually allow me to hide, people focus on my body art or what I'm wearing and don't look any further. I adore my beautiful tattoos, each with it's own meaning, and to be honest they are the only part of myself that I find beautiful or attractive.

I love showing off tattoos, before I got the ones on my arm I would never wear sleeveless tops or dresses as I hated my flabby arms and the spots that cover them (I never grew out of teenage skin or mentality for that matter!) but because I have beautiful drawings on them now I can't bear to cover them. The tattoos give me confidence that I didn't have before, I can't wait for the summer to have even more reason to have my arms out!

People often look down on tattoos or piercings as being tacky or cheap or that the person with them is some kind of lowlife (I like to remind these people that Winston Churchill had a tattoo!) but I don't see it that way. Everyone has tattoos or body alterations for a different reason, for me my piercings look cool and make me appear tougher than I feel and are just generally badass. My tattoos with the exception of my 30 Seconds To Mars triad are all my own designs and an to me are an extension of my creativity but also mark important stages in my life (see my blog My Tattoos A Spotters Guide for their various inspirations and meanings).

And of course there is always room for more ..........

Love Jen
XxxxX