I know I should be feeling really positive and happy right now. I'm out of the horrible work environment and am back at the hospital which is what I wanted. So why do I feel so low and empty?
When the alarm goes off in the morning I feel depressed, if I'm lucky in the past when I've woken up low or anxious once I start moving about, go down to the girls it starts to shift. At the moment the mood doesn't shift.
Everyone at work has been so welcoming, but because of how unless and stupid I was made to feel at my last job I'm just waiting to make a mistake or screw something up and be told not to come back. I'm trying hard to make myself friendly but without telling anyone anything about myself (mostly by asking people questions about themselves or the job). Normally I would be keen to make friends and share common interests with people but now I'm scared to make friends. I got so burned by being upfront about my illness before there is no way I'm doing it again.
When I went to visit the girls I worked with before one of them commented that they missed me because I was always smiling when I was there. I feel like a completely different person nowadays almost that I don't inhabit the same body and certainly not the same mind. My face aches from all the fake smiling I'm doing to the patients I'm booking in.
I know how damn ungrateful I must sound, I've got exactly what I wanted - a fresh start, a group of colleagues who know nothing about my past and a less complicated job.
So why am I so empty and feeling so rubbish?
Love Jen
XxxX
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