The upshot of the appointment is that I seem to cross into a few different diagnoses of different conditions, a mix and match if you will or a cocktail as I prefer to think of it (preferably with a large helping of gin or amaretto). So I've listed my 'conditions' below and highlighted the aspects I feel apply to me.
I've long-suspected (and it's been suggested to me on a number of occasions) that I have some form of OCD due to my weird anxieties.
It's symptoms are -
- obsession – where an unwanted, intrusive and often distressing thought, image or urge repeatedly enters your mind
- anxiety – the obsession provokes a feeling of intense anxiety or distress
- compulsion – repetitive behaviours or mental acts that you feel driven to perform as a result of the anxiety and distress caused by the obsession
- temporary relief – the compulsive behaviour brings temporary relief from anxiety, but the obsession and anxiety soon return, causing the cycle to begin again
Cyclothymia is a form of Bipolar but rather than more extended periods of 'highs' and 'lows' the cycles are much more rapid, from hour to hour even. It is also aggravated by stress (hi work) and can progress into more serious forms of Bipolar - such as proper mania which I have been lucky enough not to have experienced before.
The final 'diagnosis' of Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (more commonly known as Borderline Personality Disorder) came as more of a surprise. I hadn't thought that my personality could be unstable rather than my brain chemicals.
The symptom groups are -
Emotional instability (a psychological term for this is affective dysregulation)
If you have BPD, you may experience a range of often intense negative emotions, such as:
- rage
- sorrow
- shame
- panic
- terror
- long-term feelings of emptiness and loneliness
Disturbed patterns of thinking or perception (psychological terms for these are cognitive or perceptual distortions)
- upsetting thoughts – such as thinking you are a terrible person or feeling you do not exist. You may not be sure of these thoughts and may seek reassurance that they are not true
- brief episodes of strange experiences – such as hearing voices outside your head for minutes at a time. These may often feel like instructions to harm yourself or others. You may or may not be certain whether these are real
- prolonged episodes of abnormal experiences – where you might experience both hallucinations (voices outside your head) or distressing beliefs that no one can talk you out of (such as believing your family are secretly trying to kill you). These types of beliefs may be psychotic (delusions), and a sign you are becoming more unwell; it is important to get help if you are struggling with delusions
Impulsive behaviour
- an impulse to self-harm – such as cutting your arms with razors or burning your skin with cigarettes; in severe cases, especially if you also feel intensely sad and depressed, this impulse can lead to feeling suicidal and you may attempt suicide
- a strong impulse to engage in reckless and irresponsible activities – such as binge drinking, drug abuse, going on a spending or gambling spree, or having unprotected sex with strangers; impulsive behaviours are especially dangerous when people are in brief psychotic states, because they may be more likely to act impulsively if their judgement is impaired.
Intense but unstable relationships with others
If you have BPD, you may feel that other people abandon you when you most need them or get too close and smother you.
When people fear abandonment, it can lead to feelings of intense anxiety and anger. They may make frantic efforts to prevent being left alone, such as:
- constantly texting or phoning a person
- suddenly calling that person in the middle of the night
- physically clinging on to that person and refusing to let go
- making threats to harm or kill themselves if that person ever leaves them
The only time I'd ever heard of BPD (as the cool kids call it) is in Susanna Kaysen's book Girl Interrupted and the film adapted from the book (one of my favorite films in fact). Starring Winona Ryder (apologies for an entirely superficial comment) and I love her cropped hair and striped top combination.
Angelina Jolie is amazing in it.
Admittedly if my condition ends up with me ccommitted like Susanna did I can think of worse people to be locked up with ...
And of course in the film Susanna's boyfriend who tries to break her out of the hospital is played by none other than Jared Leto ...
Being busted out of hospital by the lead singer of my favorite band is somewhat appealing and amusing I must admit.
The film also has one of my favorite quotes -
The current treatment plan is for my Lamotringe to increase to 200mg over the next month which will hopefully pull my ups and downs back into check. I also explained my work issues to the Psych and in his own words he felt that I was being "set up to fail". So when he writes the report letter to myself and my GP he is going to add a paragraph about how negatively work is affecting my condition/s for me to wave at my next Occupational Health appointment and when I go back to the office. I will see him again in around a month for review. It feels really odd having a genuine and official treatment plan!
I'm really hoping that this will get me on the right track and also help with the work situation, they can't argue with a psychiatrist right?
Love Jen
XxxX
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