In my nearly 5 months away from work I have had moments when I've interrogated myself about whether I'm pulling a sickie and really need to be off. In these moments I feel fine, like I can go back and run the show, in fact that they should be lucky to have me. I like those times, when I feel all-powerful, witty, intelligent, blaming my medication for slowing down my brain when it has important work to do.
The thing is even when I'm not in one of these self-important moments and haven't taken my meds for a few days either through forgetting, running out or just generally not being bothered I actually feel brighter and less tired. When I first went on my meds they were the best thing for me, they started levelling me out and killed my anxiety stone dead. Whereas now they don't tackle my lows and highs at all. So really I have to wonder what the point in taking them is.
I'm considering all this ahead of my Community Mental Health Team appointment on Tuesday. I'm ready to take on the appointment like a battle actually, after the last time when I was dismissed by a twat of a psychiatrist and told there was nothing wrong with me.
Although I rant and rave on here and to friends and family quite happily I'm actually super crap at confrontation (school knocked that out of me, cheers fuckers) so just sit back and listen to what I'm being told even when I know I've not been listened to and what i'm being told is completely wrong.
I guess in a way I'm almost scared of being told that there is nothing wrong and that I'm making a fuss over nothing. In a weird way I take comfort in my Bipolar-kind-of-diagnosis, it explains a lot and can get blamed for all manner of sins. I need to make sure I get across the sheer black and white differences of my moods and thoughts. The fact that I feel far 'crazier' than I used to.
Before the last few months the only real time I'd felt 'mental' was for a couple of weeks in early 2012 when I had a short-lived course of Prozac that sent me haywire, I was literally bouncing off walls and debating how good the rush would be if I threw myself down the concrete stairwell at work (ironically I have my appointment on Tuesday in the building where I worked until earlier this year when our team moved building so if it all goes wrong I still have the staircase option!).
Nowadays my 'crazy' is going from being furious at the Internet for not telling me how much Lamotringe it will take for me to overdose on and then 5 mins later splurging on make-up, using my blood from when I've been cutting myself to paint a sugar skull (looks damn good though if I say so myself) among other things. I keep a cute empty Disarrono minature bottle to fill with pills should I feel the need to swallow them all, I feel going out in style is a good option plus I'll get green points for recycling the bottle!
I need to get all this across on Tuesday, that this appointment is pretty much my last hope 'cos if they can't do anything I'm fucked. I can't go back to work and cope with their bull whilst I'm this unstable, I'd give it 3 days at the most before I flip and throttle someone, get myself sacked (if the throttling doesn't do it obvs - Good to have a back up plan) or throw myself off the nearest high object (Asda I guess, which would be a weird irony that I use the place when I had my first job to escape from my current job).
Reading back through this certainly doesn't reflect the musings of a sane person, the irony is that I'm typing this in an ok mood. I had a real depressive low that started about 6 o'clock on Christmas Day (I ended up tearing down the tree in my room by 7pm, it was that or have a good old carve up and even I refuse to take a razor to my arms on Christmas day) and carried on t'ill this morning. I was miserable and really, really fuzzy headed, I can hardly remember anything from Christmas Day pre-tree rage. Today I just feel Numb and calm which makes it odder that I'm researching how to OD now, the logical part of my brain figures that it's always good to learn something new, to have a 'break in case of emergency option'.
In the meantime I await my lipstick delivery!!!
Love Jen
XxxxX
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